My oh my, I’m a procrastinator extrodinaire! Plus, a self-sabotager. I’ve actively worked on processes to defeat both. I previously ignored bills, hid bills from myself (really, how does that work) even when I had sufficient money to pay......

So I’d create chaos for myself. All my sisters and bro-sters here in O land, I’ll speak my truth to you....once I stopped drinking (yeh I know, I get a little repetitive, ‘for good’) I reflected on my huge ‘stop drinking self-help’ library. A small book stood out, not particularly about drinking, but about becoming ‘unstuck’. Essence was that I needed to repeat “I love myself”, which is excruciating, when I hated and despised myself, the drinker. But I repeated it, and the magic of never drinking, also supported the, I suppose, affirmation. Truly, I can now look in the mirror (after avoiding it for years) and reflect on my own eyes, reflection and say those words ‘I love myself’ and it’s no longer forced, nor false. Well, honestly, it’s probably more ‘I like myself’ but it’s progress!

She accepted, and said she wasn't angry but when will I realize that drinking isn't good for me? Good point. I know it isn't. I think the question might be, "When will I have the backbone to stand up to the whining toddler within?"

Obladi,

how we define "the problem" to great extent determines what "way out" we follow.
if your daughter thinks that the problem is that you don't realize drinking isn't good for you, it will lead to her to see one direction of ways "out".
if you see a lack of backbone as the issue, your solution will likely be revolving around strengthening the backbone.

if you think "the problem" is past trauma, you will focus on finding resolution for that.

after you/we've gone down those roads and found they have not solved our problem, seems useful to consider possibly we have not understood what the problem really is.

Your toddler is whining only because you let her, and give in to her. Startlingly like how actual children learn to whine in order to get what they want! Refuse to give in enough times over a long enough period, she stops whining. Your alcohol problem is not unique, in fact your problem follows all the rules of alcoholism: recent drinking = current cravings.

I’d probably still be drinking if my bottom were a bit higher. Throw in a super low bottom, one that can’t be ignored, you’ll quit no probs without Antabuse. Unfortunately, then you have to actually experience the bottom, which sucks to no end, and sometimes is quite disastrous. There’s no win here. Sobriety is, but the win of sobriety can’t be visualized with recent drinking.

Take care of yourself, O!

Tasty -- what was the book??

I feel like we are starting to sound a little preachy here, which I know is not the intent.

SS is of course right that if one stops for a long enough time, the toddler does stop whining or at least slows it down.

And Fini is also right that the issue really just is that we have to stop and quite worrying about the why. Although for me seeing the why as I now do as a need to recreate shame really helped me, but that was only after I stopped for a long time.

Bottom line is that we all loves you O and we want you to be free of this demon that we all share. We all have ideas about how to get there, but we just want you to get there.

XXX

Naturally

Quite right

Thanks for that; I want to get there too.

I realize how frustrating this must be, watching me flail around. Imagine how hard it is to be me. :)

I think I'm long past the point of thinking my alcohol problem is unique. If I seem to say otherwise, I don't mean to do so.

I am unique, just like everybody else. I am a person who is muddling through the struggle to just give up alcohol at the same time as I am working through other issues. The addiction is real. The traumas and abuse are real. The latter have been with me longer than the former as has my struggle with reconciling or healing or neutralizing them or whatever the case may be.

I think that in this thread there is an evolution. Perhaps it's not visible from the outside, but from the inside it certainly feels that way. Today, I am sober. As I was yesterday and the day before. This sobriety is not contingent on whether past hurts and wrongs are healed, but it is in part contingent on correcting my maladaptive behaviors, one of which is drinking.

Alright then...

Good Morning!

I woke today at 415 and thought, "snap! I wanted to wake at 3." Hehehe, seriously. Extreme, much? Anyhow I'm up and amazed that three of my coworkers also seem to be awake at this ungodly hour. They are three of the healthiest people I know, so that's a good sign. :)

Did get to a meeting yesterday morning and was going to repeat that today until I remembered I have a conference call to attend smack in the middle of it. Have therapy at the end of the day, so I've scoped out a meeting that should be doable afterwards. Can't do any of the "regular" ones because they're not until after my new bedtime. This could be a good thing - getting out to other unfamiliar places tests my resiliency.

Yesterday was pretty much just a day. Uneventful, full of many meetings and emails. Walked to the parking garage with my coworker who has become distant and that was alright. I do miss her friendship but I don't miss her negativity, so I think this is all working out as it should. I did guess right with what my director was asking me to do, but still had to fess up that I wasn't sure what he was asking at first. The contrast is striking to me - the addictive side of me has no trouble lying and deceiving; the sober side feels compelled to be honest (even if I don't make it there all the time).

So dwtbd, are you my bro-ster?

Physically: Feeling well, hungy, the static electricity is driving me mad
Mentally: More balanced, wary of myself
Spiritually: Again saying "thank you" to whatever every morning and night. (This is why I call it the Aum - it's just the everything...)

Haven't looked for those bills so haven't found them. Maybe they're all paid? That's possible.

Love it.

You sound great.

I hope they are paid, mine never are.. someone's has to be...

Oh yes indeed, O, the internal evolutionary process signs, are visible from outside.

You’re sounding more upbeat and focused, there’s a determined forward vibe in your thread, which is great to witness.

O ,yep :) fair warning I don't really do the call on the birthday thing, but I'd be up for matching tats :)

And Fini is also right that the issue really just is that we have to stop and quite worrying about the why

mmmm....i didn't say anything like that.
though i have said it in other places, my point here was something quite different.

Sorry Fini, did not mean to put words in your mouth especially as I love your input.

What did you mean by "after you/we've gone down those roads and found they have not solved our problem, seems useful to consider possibly we have not understood what the problem really is?"

Not to put your on the spot, just interested.

I think they are? Trying to make a purchase yesterday my card was declined. I thought, "Uh oh, I must be overdrawn again." Checked my balance later and nope, I'm ok.

fini,

I always have to read you several times because you say so much in a few words. I like this about you very much. So let me read again and try to puzzle this out.

She would think perhaps I need more education/understanding. I've been there.

I would think perhaps I need to find a way to muscle up; perhaps therapy and/or some form of exercise with other less "formidable" temptations.

Again, therapy in some form.

True. The problem really is that I have become addicted by whatever means to being drunk. Whether this is through ignorance or weakness or trauma, the fact remains that I now have this condition.

Is that what you meant? I'm going to go with it for now until you tell me otherwise, fini. And I want you to do so if I missed the point.

Told my therapist yesterday I've been frustrated at times with well-meaning people who continue to tell me the "what" (just don't drink) because I know that part. And perhaps what I don't know and need to figure out is the "how." Like maybe some people drank a 12-pack of ginger ale every day, others started working out like crazy, and still more got religion.

All of those are mechanisms and I'm on that path with the crazy early morning thing. Perhaps that's enough for now. But he thinks that's not sustainable and it doesn't really do anything to move me toward long-term happiness/wellness. Not sure that I agree, but anyway.

We talked about motivation and that I don't have a goal. Well, I do have one goal, but I've not lost out on that (yet, I know) because of drinking. That goal is my dream job that doesn't exist yet. I'm continuing on the path of achieving that objective with the support of my manager, director and others. Remarkably, drinking hasn't interfered with this. But as far as a life goal goes, don't have one. I mean, I can tell you what the ideal future life looks like for me but I simply don't believe I can have it.

This is not an expression of wallowing in self-pity (I've done plenty of that and would just as soon be done with it, thanks); it's more an acknowledgement. So then, all that's left is to do Some Thing toward that lie I can envision. Or do nothing. I think it's just that binary?

after reading your latest post, obladi, i went back to your very first post in this thread:
I choose sobriety.
I choose to live with integrity.
I choose to be willing, open and honest.
In short, I choose to do my level best to become the best version of myself

what i have read is the problem:
complicating the crap out of something that started very simply put.

it reads like its all about the choices being made.

Physically: Feeling well. Have to figure out a healthy way to deal with the digestive side effects of the Campral. This is not so bothersome at home, but it sure is a problem at work.
Mentally: A little scattered.
Spiritually: Forgetful. Didn't think about this aspect until I just typed it. I have gotten away from meditation since returning to work; I think this needs to be resurrected.

Nicely done job of book-ending as Dee is likely to be along shortly to wrap up this thread. :)

Glad I've read you around the forum for awhile, tomsteve, or this would have felt rather cutting. But yes. True that. Like they say, "AA is a simple program for complicated people."

I realize the only answer to not drinking is simply not drinking.

hi O and Dropsie,
i mean that if we don't grasp what the real problem is, we cannot really apply a 'solution' which is likely to remedy or what's 'wrong'.

if i have knee pain and keep going for help with that to physio, put ointment on, massage...and it gets a bit better but not really....if i and nobody else understands that the real issue is a problem in my foot, then a solution focusing on my knee will not address the real issue.

does that clarify?

I can take care of the wrapping up too ;-) If you are interested in continuing a second thread i can link to it from here as well after you've started the new one.