Nevermind

I can't understand why this has sooooo many views!

Hey Brenda. I'm still here and reading your thread. Not sure what kind of response you're looking for (no snark), but you're not alone in obsessive & restless thinking.

Maybe call that friend anyway and see how he's doing. It might do some good to get out of your head and focus on someone else's problems.

BC,
you've wondered why views and not replies.....for me, i feel useless when i post here, so i often don't.
not because it IS useless to post here (though when dealing with obsession, posts from others aren't useful if the thought is that reasoning will have an effect) but because it seems nothing i've posted to you has been of any use.

the two things that consistently help me when i get drawn into drama or find myself sliding into something obsessive are trite-sounding: shift to gratitude, and focus on being there for someone else.

This thread has many replies as well.

I think that being obsessed with someone the way you seem to be takes a while to dissipate. In my experience, it's pretty much like cravings for alcohol.

Brenda, have you heard of limerence? Not sure it fits, but just in case you're interested..

I've had dealings with it, and used to go to these forums for support.

limerence.net - Index page

I know but it has LOADS of views. It makes me wonder how anonymous I actually am.

I know people mean well somehow when they say "I don't know what to say because nothing I say seems to be of use to you" but that makes me feel terrible because it seems to suggest I reject the help that is offered to me.. but saying "I don't know what to say" is the same reason I won't go to therapy, because it's incredibly isolating to have a trained professional say they don't know how to respond to the issues you've explained to them.

Finally, yes.. And I'm glad someone points that out.. I have said it before, he became the object of the love I was seeking, I projected all my unmet emotional needs on to him for over a year and became almost physically dependent on him.. Seeing him was all I cared about and he was all I thought about for a year. I was awake at 3:30 in the morning looking at photos of him that were public on fb.. they were about 8 years old and he looked soooo happy in them.. And I have said before, I knew his entire family, his kids and grandkids, nieces and nephews, aunt and uncle, cousins, mother, siblings, and inlaws... I miss all of them so much and I feel like I can't contact anyone in the family because his wife has told me to stay away.. nobody likes her.

I gotta snap out of this.. can't move, can't do anything depression.. Later maybe I'll take something to get some sleep and get up early enough to go work..

PS yes I said grandkids, they're 18 months, yes I said it was a Daddy Issues type of deal.

In my limited experience with therapy I had some similar frustrations. I wanted my therapist to give me a solution to my problems. A list of techniques, methods, a drug -whatever - I wanted him to FIX my problem.

What I found was that I am the one that needs to fix the problems - no one else can do it for me. My second therapist was a much better fit - and perhaps trying a different one might be better for you.

But I do know that by flat out refusing therapy by saying you "wont" do it is hindering, not helping you.

They were also like the big close-knit family I always wanted.. they treated me that way on Sundays anyway.. I miss his spaghetti sauce.. Christmas music reminds me of him.. I had to change the radio station just now.. I see his car everywhere.. I drive his wife's damn car.. I somehow have reminders of them everywhere.. My neighbor's empty beer cases, when I see them out on the curb, they're HIS brand lol I compulsively look for him everywhere

I also felt like the sessions just flew by.. I am worried about getting frustrated by the expense of copays with very little to walk away from the session with

Therapy may or many not be for you, so I'm not suggesting that you HAVE to do it by any means.

But think of it this way - is the frustration of dealing with copays any worse than the frustration dealing with the issues you currently deal with? AKA - you are finding a lot of reasons that certain things won't work. Perhaps if you focus that time and energy on trying things and taking some action it will get you unstuck out of this loop you are in.

The thread probably gets many views because it has a catchy title that easily piques curiosity and there are quite a few interesting things discussed in the posts. You also seem like an interesting person from your posts. At least this is what makes me come back to this thread :)

I was going to say that obsessions like this are quite often driven by projection. I had a long chain of those as well when I was younger, my thing was getting attracted to teachers, mentors, people much older than me, typically with remarkable intelligence who taught me interesting things and had a lot of what I perceived as valuable life experience. Many of them also had personality traits and interests quite similar to mine. My father pretty much fit this description as well and I had my most significant relationships with these kinds of people. But my feelings toward them were not unique and the people were replaceable - it was the characteristics I was drawn to and looking for, that I "loved", not so much the specific people... I kept moving from one to the next, for a long time... never quite satisfied. For me it took many repetitions in this pattern for it to dissolve to a state where I am not chasing this fantasy over and over, although I am still driven by the projections to some extent.

You might actually have an interesting (and potentially helpful) experience with your own pattern in therapy if you get someone that reminds you of it and if they are interested (and skilled) working with this type of material. I certainly did. It helped my obsessions in many ways, we'll see how long it lasts but as Scott said, it's up to me to continue working on it. As for the expense, I was never too comfortable spending $$ on therapy (I see out-of-network people so insurance only reimburses part of it). But I told myself that I never hesitated spending all the money on booze and it certainly had no benefits for me.

Yeah.. now that I am not drinking, money does kinda sit on the dock of the bay wasting time.. but I feel like that's what you're supposed to do, save and have it in case something comes up like your car breaks down.. I have had so many ugly experiences with having to ask my mother for money, her giving it freely but then laying on the shame.. I don't want to ever do it again.

Thank God for four months of sobriety and the common sense to know I don't want to destroy that..

But I just feel so physically ill and don't know what to do to feel better...

I'm gonna head out to Aldi and buy ginger ale and snacks my tummy can handle :P
And more cold medicine.

I felt similarly after moving on from some of my exes and it took a while for it to dissipate... and sometimes I "resolved" it by finding a new object for my projections. What finally really helped was the understanding and acceptance that I actually have all those things that I am chasing, in me, within. That my relationship pattern and the people I was drawn to were pretty much a reflection of my own value system (that was heavily influenced by my father, no surprise I had such a hard time letting him go when he was declining and then died). That it's something I have always had internally and certainly developed more as I got older, but was not aware of it so much, why I was chasing it in the external world. Looking into the same mirror over and over. It was a process to develop this awareness and understanding, and I know it's often said that knowledge is not necessarily power, but in this case, for me, it made a big difference. Understanding it was how that hole on my soul or call it void or whatever with the restlessness it caused, started to dissolve. But simply just knowing that I have all those qualities is not enough, what brings true satisfaction is doing constructive things with it, things that go beyond just myself and understanding myself. Without that, all the energy just stagnates like a spring-fed lake that becomes so full that its own weight dams up the springs that feed it.

Why am I saying these things? Because, like I said before, I feel that you have this tremendous mental energy, Brenda, that probably you tried to numb with alcohol and now that that option is out of the picture, you might need to learn new and constructive ways of channeling and using it instead of turning it against yourself. Project it into satisfying, worthwhile sober goals.

Hope you feel better soon, with the cold and otherwise :)

I feel what you're saying... I watched this youtube vlog by Paige Bartholemew, dark energies and their powers.. she says that the world is a hologram, meaning every part of it exists within every other part of it.. so if something did not exist inside of me, I wouldn't be able to perceive it outside of me.. learning this helped me to become very aware of my ability to manifest things.. I became conscious of how much of my life was actually created by my thoughts.. that realization allowed me to put my faith in a higher power.. but since it coincided with my learning about codependency, I began to realize that I had attracted my relationship to L.. I've said it before, it was extremely rare for my energy to connect with anyone else's since it was so low, it repelled that of most people, or I would not connect with theirs because it was so much higher.. L and I had a very similar energy, being both alcoholics who carried around a lot of pain and depression, so the chemistry was instant and very strong.. over the summer I had bouts of sobriety, short ones, and we didn't get along at those times..in times of relapse however, we would flirt.. then in August when I turned to God and got sober, we began to clash a lot more.. The week of Halloween I had tried to quit my job and my boss wanted to know if he was the reason and I said he was and so he was told to stay away from me.. the first day he came over anyway, even though he'd been told not to.. the second day I locked the door and he demanded in.. the third day he finally stayed away.. a week later I told him that he shouldn't have to stay away from his aunt on account of me and he came over and went in to the liquor cabinet and took a bottle of vodka, and lied to his aunt right in front of me, that he needed it for a sore throat.. Having about ten weeks, I think, of sobriety, I was repulsed by it.. I quit a few days later.. I think the family believes that he was making me uncomfortable with his drinking and his behavior.. and I feel bad that they may blame him (for their aunt losing her favorite caregiver) when in actuality, I created the dynamic that caused me to have to run.. I'm rambling.. point it, I created it all.. and I know that but I'm having a really hard time letting it go.. For a little while I was studying the Law of Attraction (power of intention) and trying to manifest a new reality but I lost interest for some reason..

Thing is BC, as long as you want to sit there obsessing about the Problem rather than make the effort to work on the Solution, nothing anyone says is going to make the blindest bit of difference.

You are making the choice to follow these obsessive thoughts. To indulge in a bit of self pity. To foster a bit of resentment against a woman who (regardless of whether people do or don't like her) to be fair, you probably owe a bit of amends to. This obsession, just like any addictive obsession is unhealthy, and indulging it will only cause you pain. But you're the boss here. This is an inside job, and if you choose to jump on that train of thought when it floats past, then that is up to you and there's not a thing any of us can do to help you or stop you pursuing this destructive wishful thinking.

Just out of interest, do you write a response to every post you read? And if not, why not. Anyway. I responded. As honestly and helpfully as I can, but I wouldn't be putting and big stakes on it being much use to you, much as I'd like it to be.

But please BC, remember that when we indulge in wishful thinking and 'what if ...'s and 'if only...'s then our egos tend to start running riot, because we're putting our desires centre stage ahead of reality. And that causes us pain every time, because we're none of us the main picture on the tapestry of life. Most of the time we're not even a side picture or detail. We're just a fibre in a fibre of one thread of that tapestry. And while that thought can be a little distressing initially, actually it does take a lot of pressure off as well.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

Um... No, I don't respond to every post I read, especially if several follow along a similar idea, or sometimes I guess I am just not sure what to say?



I don't know how to make amends to someone I hurt, with full awareness of what I was doing at the time, when her husband and his entire family believed that she was crazy and convinced her that she was crazy.. because it wasn't all in her head after all, and making amends to her would make that apparent.

And that's probably pretty much the same reasons people follow your thread but don't respond. It's not any personal slight or judgement or people who know you from your local vicinity. While we're in that vortex our thoughts are fear and ego led. That makes us hyper sensitive to the point of paranoia if we don't watch ourselves.

I think living amends would be fairly straightforward. Honour her wishes and stay away from her husband and do your utmost best effort to stop obsessing over him.

Could you re-read some of your codependecy books ? Reinforce that understanding of where this comes from that you'd started to get a grasp of?

I think that is the best advice i've read on this thread BC, or any of the other ones on this issue that you've started. Especially the 2nd part. You might need help to get there but any contact with anyone in that family would be a huge mistake for you now.