It makes me want to drink!
 

I know drinking won't help the situation but my son is being bullied and this has been going on by the same kid for a while. The school does nothing. I am at the point where I just want to scream at this kid but don't want to make it worse for my son. What should I or can I do?

Seeing my son being bullied makes me feel so helpless and as F-d up as it is... Makes me want a drink because I feel so angry!

Maybe approach the local school board if the school itself is not responsive?

D

Make a police report. The kid and his parents can't shrug that off so easily.

Your drinking would more than likely be the LEAST helpful thing you could do in this situation. Your son needs a sober parent to deal with this, and complaints from a drunk parent are rarely taken seriously.

If the school is not responsive, I'd suggest contacting a lawyer. Not that you have to file an expensive lawsuit--not yet--but schools have legal liability in these situations and they are obligated by law to address it. I'd suggest finding a lawyer who specializes in education and/or civil rights law (your bar association can recommend someone) and have that attorney write a letter demanding that the school address the situation. Usually an initial consultation and a letter would not be very expensive, and it might light a fire under them. A threat of legal action is usually sufficient. Have you brought the matter to the attention of the Superintendent and/or the School Board?

I'd suggest that you SOBERLY write out a very detailed account of the incidents that have occurred and whom you have talked to in an effort to have the matter addressed. This will be important for the lawyer and/or any letters you send, yourself, to the school officials. I'd suggest putting EVERYTHING in writing from now on, and keeping a diary/log of incidents and contacts.

I'm not a violent man, but sometimes the old ways are the best ways, and I've dealt with my share of bullies (hint: most are cowards when confronted).

Anyway, IMO there's usually only one way to stop bullies, and that's to confront them head on. In my day, I would have walked up to the kid in the school hallway or somewhere public and punched the kid right in the face. And after punching him, I would have said "every time you screw with me, that's what will happen". That stops the bully in his tracks.

Unfortunately, while this type of action was acceptable and preferred in my day, it is now socially unacceptable (and would probably result in charges being brought against your son). Sometimes I do yearn for the old days.

I'm sure I'll be criticized for this comment, and that's OK. But I do loath bullies, and sometimes violence is the answer (or at least not backing down from the perpetrator of violence).

Anyway Serenidad, I hope this gets sorted out, no kid should be bullied, but the reality is that bullying doesn't stop at childhood, so your son will have to learn how to handle these types of individuals sooner or later, so it may as well be now. So stay strong, you and you son will get through this.

I agree with Lexie. In lieu of your son punching the bully in the nose, you should keep a detailed record of the incidents. And of course, if the creep does something physical to your kid, you should then consider calling law enforcement.

You've asked this same question a few times recently and gotten a lot of good responses with some good suggestions of what to do for help with the situation. Have you tried any of them? Below is a link to the most recent thread which might be worth a re-read

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-own-way.html

Thanks Feenix! That is exactly what I think my son should do! Punch him in the face and see if he screws with him again! Would they really being charges against at 12 year old boy who stands up to his bully? If so that's pathetic because the school has left him no choice! :-(

Scott! I appreciate your help but you always posting my PAST posts and recommending therapy to me and everyone else on this site doesn't always help. If I had the advice I needed the first time I posted answered, I wouldn't have posted again. The link to my last post you just added wasn't directly related to the bullying of my son.

No offense, but sometimes I find you responses quite condescending. If I had the solution...I wouldn't post a new thread and YES! I alway read ALL the responses to my threads.

Be well.

It's hard to say these days. In the late 60's through the late 70's, when I was in school, fights were usually handled by the school, and usually with parents involved, but not law enforcement. Personally, I wouldn't recommend that your son do anything physical unless he is defending himself.

I was a little small before I hit my teen years, and I was a bit introverted, so I was often a target for bullies. Sometimes telling a bully to STFU or there's going to be a problem was enough to stop the bully. Like I said earlier, in my experience, most bullies back down when confronted, as these types of individuals feed off of people who usually aren't confrontational and quiet/peaceful types by nature. Once the bully knows that their target will push back, the bully tends to loose interest and move on.

I agree completely!

I'm not sure what the best approach to helping your son out of the situation he finds himself is, though I'm leaning toward the old school, but then again given the current litigious environment and such..definitely a tough one.
Regardless wanting to drink is wanting to drink, the idea that anger mitigates making the choice to drink is only justification/excuse, pure AV.

It does seem like bullying often goes unchallenged. My daughter had some friends that were being bullied and she said the same thing about the school doing nothing even after being told about it. She wanted to use her fists on these bullies (she can hold her own). I asked her not to because I didn't want to pay for new teeth or a nose job.
People who bully are not happy. Sometimes it is helpful to remember that well adjusted kids don't act out in this way. Keep pressing the issue but also try to help him understand what the dynamic is.
You getting drunk is going to cause him more pain then the bully. Stay focused and give him a safe place at home.

OK. I'm in the strong camp. Try to bully me or mine and there's going to be stoppage. Learned that from my Mom. She's a s tough as they come. As loving as they come, too. But, she can be a terror when family is threatened. She's stood down men twice her size. Booze is not necessary.

I'll just +1 telling your son to punch this bully in the teeth the next time it happens.
And, of course, you shouldn't drink :)

Seriously, boys need to do things like fight. It's extremely important towards confidence and growth with boys, because whether it's reasonable or not, there are still extremely situated gender-norms with children (and the world at large, of course).
Girls tend to get bullied by secrets and gossip because the way girls open to others is by honesty and familiarity. With boys, they're bullied by violence and antagonism because the ways that boys open up with one another is by physical activity, which on the positive spectrum is sports and bicycle riding and all of that, and on the negative is fighting.

When a boy doesn't respond to a bully's violence with violence, this frequently amounts in an extremely dangerous angle to the boy's development psychologically, often making him unable to handle antagonistic persons throughout their school years, and generating an eventually warped view of what antagonism actually is. This results in a form of hyper-sensitivity, and intensive anxiety. If not worse.

Now if the bullying were to be actually stopped when the school was told, then that is fine. But as you've said, and as is so often the case, this just doesn't happen.

So seriously; tell him the next time the kid messes with him, to punch him as hard as he can in the face. They'll get in a scrap and probably be suspended, but I'd definitely throw my bet in that this proves to be not only the solution to the problem, but also greatly beneficial to your son's confidence as well.

Sorry but fighting bullying with violence is a terrible idea.
It perpetuates the culture of might is right.

I tried that on my dad's advice.
I got a sound beating and the bullying got worse.

D

My kids have been doing Zen Do Kai Karate over 6 years now since preschool and are first Dan black belt. It's taught them confidence, self discipline and assertiveness as well as self defense. It inspired me to also take it up as part of my recovery. A big part of the curriculum is dealing with bullies who for most part are victims themselves and often cowards seeking easy targets. Martial arts teaches violence as a last resort. There are strategies to defuse and disarm a bully before needing to whip his butt. Karate teaches kids those strategies. I strongly urge you if you can to research some local options for martial arts for your child. Consider also taking it up. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Hi Serenidad,

I wrote a novella response and then my phone froze. In brief, or not so brief:

You have power. It just needs to be channeled properly. Do not drink! Action usually takes care of my anxiety, perhaps that would work for you?.

If you have talked to principal and guidance counselor then call and arrange to talk with school superintendent. Ask what you can do together to address this situation so your son can go to school in peace. Make yourself known and make sure the right people know what is going on/lack of policy and response is unacceptable.

Ask to meet with each teacher individually and make each aware of situation and consider what can be done to decrease exposure to bully.

Initial consult and letter from lawyer is a nice idea.

Call or email your local news station, newspaper and let it be known that School X does not have a policy or response for bullying. They might do a little investigative blurb.

True story: One of my little brothers punched a bully in the nose, on behalf of a smaller in size team mate, after warning that it would happen if the taunting continued. All parents were notified of assault. Per school policy, the bully was sent to the ER by ambulance and my bro, age 12, was handcuffed and taken to the police station by squad car. No charges were pressed by bully's parents because according to them it was about time that someone did it. My brother and mom had to appear in court where my bro was told he had to maintain a clean record or there would be consequences. Obviously the single punch to the nose had consequences for everyone involved.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak! Do what you have to do with the time you have.

Hey, what would Soberlicious suggest? Let's channel her.

I am FIRMLY in the anti-violence camp.

As a word of caution, I work in school management, and we were recently appointing a new teacher straight from college. Our first choice...a lovely keen intelligent young woman...we had to turn down because she had been convicted of assault when she was 15. Standing up to a bully means she has a criminal conviction and is thereby unable to work with children under 8 years old.

But this isn't really about bullying is it? That is a smoke screen. It's about managing stress without drinking. I've had a stressful 24 hours, living with an active alcoholic is proving to be really tough and I've had such an anxious time of it. But I know I've got to walk through this sober...if I dont I will be lost in my alcoholism, for each time I allow it to win, the harder it gets to get up again.

Be strong and do the right thing. I've got faith in you.

Good for your little brother, Verte. Sure, consequences happen. That doesn't change the fact that bullies need to be stopped.

My sister is a retired school principle. She said she spent 99% of her time fending off law suites.

If you expect the school to actually "do something"? File a law suite.

I really do hate violence; although, my original post may not convey that I do. I've only been in a handful of fights in my entire life, and all of them with the exception of one was in adolescence. But I hate bullying even more. I wish I knew of a better way to stop bullying but in my experience, standing up to the bully is the only effective measure I know of (standing up does not always have to be physical, but probably involves the implied threat of getting physical).

But, it's all moot anyway because the victims of bullying can't really stand up for themselves in today's culture, or at least they can't do so in a physical manner. And it's not only politically incorrect to physically confront a bully, today's bullies may well respond back with a gun or a knife (at least in the US).

I'm sure people more clever and smarter than I am know of non-violent ways to deal with bullying, and I hope those methods work because unfortunately, bullies will always exist.

I found that as long as my kids were
involved in school activities, programs,
like drama clubs, band, or scouts, they
learn how to grow and mature with confidence
and a whole bunch of friends that they can
relate to.

As long as they stayed busy, little idle
time to get into trouble then they were
in a good safe place all of the time.

However, in my time back in the day,
and because I was verbally, physically,
emotionally abused by a sick mom, I
grew up with fear which paralyzed me
all thru out shool days till I graduated.

I put up with bullies, harassment, cruelty,
emotional abuse and tried to stand tall
to them and did confront one on a parking
lot . Sure all the kids clapped for me on
the school bus when they witnessed me
slapping her and standing up to her, BUT....
her bullying never stopped.

I loath bullies and all I can say is I pray
that your son will find the strength within
to stay strong thru these childhood challenges.

Be supportive of him and help him
find ways to grow strong in Faith
and find confidence within himself
to ward off those bully demons.

Forgive them, many kids as well
as adults, because they know not
what they do. :)

Take him out of school.
Inform the school he will not be returning until the bully is dealt with or removed instead.
Inform the agencies as to why he is not at school.
Go speak to the child's parents and threaten to go to the press if no action is taken.

Don't use violence.
In my eyes that makes you no better than the bully.

If you drink over it and your child realises that you drank because of what he told you, then he will be really reluctant to tell you his troubles and worries again.

Bullying is often about humiliation.
Bullies are often not very clever.
People in general despise bullies and will not tolerate their behaviour.

I'm sure that with all the modern technology (school websites, Facebook, parents email, the child's email, newspapers on line, leaving a review about a school etc) we have today and by being sensible, there is a way to ensure he never does it again.

Be clever about it.

I wish you the best xx

My childhood took place before The Enlightenment. and in an overwhelmingly working/middle class neighborhood. I was a small child, and though I was quite shy, I didn't want for friends or attention from girls. I just didn't know what to do with it. In retrospect, I also suffered from anxiety and low-grade but near-constant depression. Sports was my outlet. And then alcohol.

I was bullied twice at around the same time, maybe twelve or thirteen years old. One was at school from a noted bully. He was "different" from most other kids in the Catholic school I attended. He smoked and had older friends, and dressed like what we then referred to as a "greaser." He started taunting me when I refused to do the stupid things he would have me do. He'd make fun of my name, adding the word "pisss" to it. The bullying only escalated over time, and my attempts to avoid him only seemed to make things worse.

He cornered me one day in the playground, after lunch. A couple of his henchmen also surrounded me, just like in the movies. As he got closer to me, he raised his fists, and I punched him in the mouth. He went reeling backwards as blood streamed from his face. I, of course, got in trouble, but a couple of the nuns confided in me that they were glad I did what I did. There was little pressure to work such things out in a nonviolent way back then.

Another guy, also a smoker and drinker in Eight Grade, and in public school, was pissed that I had a girlfriend in his school. (It's always about a girl, isn't it?) He lived a block from my paper route, and would tip over my bike every day, papers flying everywhere, when I was delivering my papers. I'd just avoid him, pick up my papers, and go about my business. But then the bullying escalated, he became more threatening, and also enlisted his henchmen to taunt me. The older boys in the neighborhood were pushing me to take him up and fight him but, even with my prior knockout, it's not at all what I wanted to do. They even gave me boxing lessons. Anyway, he came after me hard one time. I needed more than one punch to put him away but, again, he never bothered me after that. I was not at all physically imposing as a child, and I wasn't schooled in the pugilistic arts. Both of them were bigger than I, and I'd seen them fight other boys before, so I was more than a little scared. And fighting was not what I wanted to do.

In both cases, I felt great at the moment of "victory," and then later relieved that they stopped screwing with me. But in the long-run, it bothered me that I needed to defend myself in that way. It made me feel crazy.

I grew up learning how to settle or avoid such conflicts in ways that were more in line with my temperament. I later went on to train in martial arts for over twenty years, and currently do so, in which, when things go well, you learn that if you're not fighting for your life -- or someone else's life, when necessary -- then you shouldn't be fighting.

BULLY UPDATE:

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice to help my almost 12 year old son who is being bullied.

-The first thing I agree with is me drinking over this will never make it better...only worse. It's like me drinking POISON and waiting for the bully to die.

-As much as I am old school and would like to tell my son to punch his bully in the face he won't do it. He's too scared. This kid is twice his size and is scary! My son is not a fighter. I think the bully can see that.

-I could go to the school again about this but it made things worse for my son when I did that a few months ago. The school he goes to has a female Principal and a female vice-principal and I honestly think they are CLUELESS!

-I could confront his parents but again, that would only make things worse for my son.

-I could write an anonymous letter to the school board but I feel like the bully would know it was my me/son.

-I could send my sons older brothers and their friends over to kick his ass but in today's age...they could get assault charges and they are all athletes and I wouldn't want them to get a criminal record or kicked off their teams.

-I could call an attorney but I can't afford it. They are expensive up here because many of the good ones come out of New York City.

-I could call the media but again...he and his parents are ALL crazy and god only knows what they would do!!!

-I could call the police but again...that would just make things worse for my son and he hasn't been physically assaulted YET. Just tormented!

-The bully is just an evil kid! Here is an example of something he did in my son's gym class a few weeks ago: There is an overweight girl in their class. She suffers from an illness that causes her to gain weight. The bully ran behind her and said "run faster fat ass! Fat f-ck! Go kill yourself you waste of flesh!" He also calls her Miss Piggy. He's evil! He says that to her all the time!!!

-I literally lay in bed at night and think of revenge. My blood pressure rises and I just get so angry that I have to meditate and pray! I would never do anything to hurt this kid but I would love to scare or embarrass him like sneak over to his house in the middle of the night and put giant signs in his yard that say "A BULLY LIVES HERE!" Or egg his house or anything! Ugh!!! I'm so angry at this boy!

-I have tried praying for him but I am too angry!

-I have tried to teach my son how to handle this kid and to not give him any power but it's easier said than done! He walks up to my son and screams "you smell like **** loser!" and everyone laughs! :-( My son does NOT smell like ****! He showers daily. The bully swings his fists at his face! This crap happens up here in the New England area and they don't do anything about it. That's probably why that kid shot up that Sandy Hook Elementary school and all those poor children 2 years ago! He was being bullied and couldn't handle it anymore! Or Columbine!

-Let me be clear...my son is a very sweet kid who would never hurt a flea. He just wants to be left alone!

-I've tried to explain to him that the bully is probably extremely insecure and that's why he does it but honestly it doesn't really help my son. He still has to deal with him when he goes to school.

-I think my RAGE at this bully is magnified by the fact that "I" was bullied in school and never felt like I fit in. NO ONE HELPED ME! I had to deal with it all alone. Once I started drinking alcohol in high school suddenly I fit in! It was alcohol or suicide so in a sense, alcohol saved my life! At least when I was a teen...

-I worry things will get so bad that my son will hurt himself. I pray not! He has a loving supportive brothers and sisters. We all love him so much.

-With all this being said...what do we do to help our son?

-HOW DO WE STOP THIS BULLY? Honestly....if I could get away with it, I would go to the bully's house and put the fear of God in him! I'm not sure if this is good or bad but I am scary when I am angry! Especially when people screw with my kids!!! I know I could scare the crap out of him but then I would face consequences. People sue people for everything these days!

-Here's another idea that popped in my head last night...I'm pretty creative...I could start "haunting him". Haha. I could put a sheet over my head and start roaming around his yard at night or write his name in fake blood on his window. Just kidding.

-See what I mean?!? My mama bear claws are out and very sharp! It feels good to vent anonymously on here. Any other ideas!?! :-(

-I just don't want to ever drink over this again!

Thx guys.

| NAESP

Maybe do a search for an organization near you that can help you. This must end now!!

Try legal aid in your area. Or make friends with a bigger bully who could bully him without any physical contact. I know people ;) Definitely not worth drinking and you risk making a bad decision with alcohol making things blurred.

What are the boys parents like?

Have you contacted the Superintendent? I'd suggest writing a very detailed letter and indicate that the last thing you want to do is to bring legal action, but at this point, with the matter going unaddressed, there may be no other option.

The Superintendent won't know you can't afford a lawyer. For all s/he knows, you have a famous lawyer in the family who will do it for free. And do check with your local bar association. I would be stunned if the only lawyers that practice in your state are from Manhattan. There are pro-bono organizations, as well.

But you've tried with the school. Above the principal is the Superintendent, and above him/her is the School Board. And above the Board is your State Department of Education.

All the "scare" stuff you are fantasizing about would more than likely backfire and cause more pain to everyone involved. Bullies are often the way they are because of something painful going on with them. I'm not excusing it--the same is true of many criminals. But this is a child who is not fully responsible in the same way that an adult would be.

You also might want to call the police and find out whether a complaint for harassment could be filed. Many states have special courts/services for very young defendants to divert them out of worse trouble down the road. It's worth asking about.

Stressing and playing with revenge fantasies aren't doing your son any good.