Help! I am in my own way!
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
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Help! I am in my own way!
I am so tired. So tired of trying to control everything. So tired of worrying about everything. So tired! I need to surrender. Not just to alcohol but to LIFE! I am getting in the way of my own sobriety!
I need to "just let go! Of EVERYTHING!" What a relief that would be. It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
Unless I surrender, I will surely drink again and die of alcoholism.
Please...if anyone has any tips on how to surrender everything, please let me know. I'm so tired of having my claw marks in everything.
Thank you.
I need to "just let go! Of EVERYTHING!" What a relief that would be. It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
Unless I surrender, I will surely drink again and die of alcoholism.
Please...if anyone has any tips on how to surrender everything, please let me know. I'm so tired of having my claw marks in everything.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I think having control over things is an illusion, Serenidad. I mean, there is only so much I can force on those and things around me.
There was nothing for me to "surrender" but that is only a perception. I chose action and change. I chose to try different things. Trial and error.
Learning to shut out the chaos around me momentarily was very important. I learned to take care of me FIRST
Then, I could take care of those and things around me if I had anything left.
Drinking will make anything you try to do or accomplish worse. Taking a "break" by getting obliterated is an illusion, just like "control."
We can't take a break from life, and we can't control life. We are a participants. And we have to find what works for each of us.
There was nothing for me to "surrender" but that is only a perception. I chose action and change. I chose to try different things. Trial and error.
Learning to shut out the chaos around me momentarily was very important. I learned to take care of me FIRST
Then, I could take care of those and things around me if I had anything left. Drinking will make anything you try to do or accomplish worse. Taking a "break" by getting obliterated is an illusion, just like "control."
We can't take a break from life, and we can't control life. We are a participants. And we have to find what works for each of us.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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You just asked this very same question not long ago and got a lot of good responses...you might want to re-read this thread.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-control.html
Did you follow through on any of the suggestions you were given?
Some specific ones: You "quit" AA for a while and then decided that wasn't a good idea and that you should return...have you done so?
Also, have you or are you currently seeing a therapist? If you aren't I'd highly recommend it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-control.html
Did you follow through on any of the suggestions you were given?
Some specific ones: You "quit" AA for a while and then decided that wasn't a good idea and that you should return...have you done so?
Also, have you or are you currently seeing a therapist? If you aren't I'd highly recommend it.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Page 60-61 AA Big book
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
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Originally Posted by Serenidad 
I need to "just let go! Of EVERYTHING!" What a relief that would be. It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
Controlling the universe, failing to control it. Exhausting I'm sure. But you must not make your sobriety contingent on finding the answer to it.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Serenidad
I am so tired. So tired of trying to control everything. So tired of worrying about everything. So tired! I need to surrender. Not just to alcohol but to LIFE! I am getting in the way of my own sobriety!
I need to "just let go! Of EVERYTHING!" What a relief that would be. It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
Unless I surrender, I will surely drink again and die of alcoholism.
Please...if anyone has any tips on how to surrender everything, please let me know. I'm so tired of having my claw marks in everything.
Thank you.
I need to "just let go! Of EVERYTHING!" What a relief that would be. It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
Unless I surrender, I will surely drink again and die of alcoholism.
Please...if anyone has any tips on how to surrender everything, please let me know. I'm so tired of having my claw marks in everything.
Thank you.
As all personal stories in the textbook Alcoholics Anonymous, this personal story is separate from the suggested program of recovery, but is the most quoted.
The Dr. Paul Oligher story is about relationships where most of his focus is on his wife Max and to some extent his children.
Alcoholics Anonymous program of recovery is based on the 5 possible relationships one can have.
1. Self
2. God, i.e. if one has faith
3. Others
4. Institutions e.g. Government
5. Situations e.g. driving on the freeway, interaction with strangers, etc.
Dr. Paul Oligher's story has helped an innumerable amount of alcoholics recover based on one simple statement that he said to me and I quote, "My serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. My job is to do the footwork and stay out of the results before the results take place and accept what happens in the results, that's God's will for me."
I knew Dr. Paul Oligher and yes I'm a name dropper as was pointed out by a poster recently on another thread.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As a born-and-bred, recovering codependent control freak I can tell you that the first and most important step is recognizing and accepting that any control you think you have or can have over other people, places, and things is -- and always has been -- an illusion.
Accepting that finally allowed me to stop focusing outside myself and taking care of and healing what was inside.
Accepting that finally allowed me to stop focusing outside myself and taking care of and healing what was inside.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ditto what everyone said. I make myself miserable trying to control things that I have no control over. What do I do? Try, just try, to roll with the punches. How do I do that? With practice. I had to learn how to let go and keep reminding myself every day that I need practice.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
A common strategy in the face of disappointment, struggle, and other uncomfortable feelings is to try and pinpoint what we did wrong to create the situation. The idea is, “if I caused it, I can fix it,” which fosters a sense of power rather than powerlessness. It makes sense that we would search for any toehold that allows us to rise above our difficulty, but the problem with this strategy is that it has us constantly surveying the land for our shortcomings. It can create a “blame the victim” mentality and/or compound whatever difficulty we are experiencing by laying harsh criticism on top of what is already a painful situation. We might feel like we have a better handle on the problem, but now we also feel ashamed for having the problem to begin with.
Don’t get me wrong; sometimes we need to take responsibility for things that didn’t go so well. I’m not suggesting that there is never a time to investigate how we might “do better” in the future. It is when this becomes the primary coping mechanism that it does more harm than good. It is when our faultfinding replaces the process of acknowledging our hurt feelings that we aren’t doing ourselves any favors.
Another way we try to wrangle for control over uncomfortable feelings is to talk our way out of them with statements such as, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “I’m being ridiculous, this doesn’t warrant any of my energy.” No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t be having a particular response—it doesn’t remove the underlying emotional experience. What it does create is a large gap between what you are telling yourself and what you are actually feeling. The dissonance between the two creates so much tension that we often end up acting in self-destructive ways. As you can see, we think that we are saving ourselves potential heartache, but we are actually creating more “dis-ease.”
Relating this to emotional sobriety, I believe that the goal is to feel all of our feelings, not to be held hostage by them, transcend or avoid them. Emotional sobriety is about seeking balance, staying in conscious contact with our current experiences, and honoring and making healthy choices around them. It’s about having compassion for this imperfect human condition, accepting that life is a never-ending process that requires the occasional growing pains.
So, how can we apply these ideas in a practical way?
1. Take a minute to look at what you are doing well in your life (seriously, right now). If the auto pilot setting has us nit-picking our every wrong move, we need to take the time to amplify the good stuff. Give yourself some credit. Own what is working in your life without putting a “but” at the end of each sentence.
2. If your default setting is: “I’m not good enough,” or you tend to rationalize away whatever you’re feeling, I encourage you to try and unpack these experiences a little. See if you can get underneath these thoughts. For example, if you don’t get the job or someone doesn’t want to return your friendship, you might tell yourself that you aren’t good enough or that you didn’t care to begin with. These ideas can offer a false sense of protection against having to feel badly, or false immunity from being disappointed in the future because, “See, it NEVER works out, so I won’t even try.” But underneath all of that is most likely a host of feelings such as hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, shame, and resentment.
Most of us don’t want to feel any of those things. But just because we ignore them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. We can’t stick our fingers in our ears, singing “La La La” until the feelings go away. (I know this, because I’ve tried). Our best chance at freedom is in facing whatever is underneath our defensive posture. This is often a very scary proposition, but I also know that most of the time, whatever we are avoiding is much more painful when we are busy running from it. I love this quote by Rilke as a reminder of this idea:
"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." – Rainer Maria Rilke
This post is called, “The Illusion of Control” because tackling our disappointment with the sword of self-loathing doesn’t give us more control—it robs us of our gifts, it obscures the resources that could actually do us some good, and it sends the message that we don’t have permission to be human beings. It keeps us afraid of our inner Prince and Princess.
What if we gave love and compassion to the big, scary feelings? What if we could honor them like the royalty they are rather than beating ourselves up? When we stop blaming ourselves for every misstep or problem in our lives, we become less driven by our fears and better able to function and flourish.
I hope this post will give you a little more courage to face your own dragons, or to at least think about your inner-struggles as something you might want to embrace. I know that embracing shame or fear sounds almost impossible, but as compared to fire-breathing dragons..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...lusion-control
Don’t get me wrong; sometimes we need to take responsibility for things that didn’t go so well. I’m not suggesting that there is never a time to investigate how we might “do better” in the future. It is when this becomes the primary coping mechanism that it does more harm than good. It is when our faultfinding replaces the process of acknowledging our hurt feelings that we aren’t doing ourselves any favors.
Another way we try to wrangle for control over uncomfortable feelings is to talk our way out of them with statements such as, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “I’m being ridiculous, this doesn’t warrant any of my energy.” No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t be having a particular response—it doesn’t remove the underlying emotional experience. What it does create is a large gap between what you are telling yourself and what you are actually feeling. The dissonance between the two creates so much tension that we often end up acting in self-destructive ways. As you can see, we think that we are saving ourselves potential heartache, but we are actually creating more “dis-ease.”
Relating this to emotional sobriety, I believe that the goal is to feel all of our feelings, not to be held hostage by them, transcend or avoid them. Emotional sobriety is about seeking balance, staying in conscious contact with our current experiences, and honoring and making healthy choices around them. It’s about having compassion for this imperfect human condition, accepting that life is a never-ending process that requires the occasional growing pains.
So, how can we apply these ideas in a practical way?
1. Take a minute to look at what you are doing well in your life (seriously, right now). If the auto pilot setting has us nit-picking our every wrong move, we need to take the time to amplify the good stuff. Give yourself some credit. Own what is working in your life without putting a “but” at the end of each sentence.
2. If your default setting is: “I’m not good enough,” or you tend to rationalize away whatever you’re feeling, I encourage you to try and unpack these experiences a little. See if you can get underneath these thoughts. For example, if you don’t get the job or someone doesn’t want to return your friendship, you might tell yourself that you aren’t good enough or that you didn’t care to begin with. These ideas can offer a false sense of protection against having to feel badly, or false immunity from being disappointed in the future because, “See, it NEVER works out, so I won’t even try.” But underneath all of that is most likely a host of feelings such as hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, shame, and resentment.
Most of us don’t want to feel any of those things. But just because we ignore them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. We can’t stick our fingers in our ears, singing “La La La” until the feelings go away. (I know this, because I’ve tried). Our best chance at freedom is in facing whatever is underneath our defensive posture. This is often a very scary proposition, but I also know that most of the time, whatever we are avoiding is much more painful when we are busy running from it. I love this quote by Rilke as a reminder of this idea:
"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." – Rainer Maria Rilke
This post is called, “The Illusion of Control” because tackling our disappointment with the sword of self-loathing doesn’t give us more control—it robs us of our gifts, it obscures the resources that could actually do us some good, and it sends the message that we don’t have permission to be human beings. It keeps us afraid of our inner Prince and Princess.
What if we gave love and compassion to the big, scary feelings? What if we could honor them like the royalty they are rather than beating ourselves up? When we stop blaming ourselves for every misstep or problem in our lives, we become less driven by our fears and better able to function and flourish.
I hope this post will give you a little more courage to face your own dragons, or to at least think about your inner-struggles as something you might want to embrace. I know that embracing shame or fear sounds almost impossible, but as compared to fire-breathing dragons..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...lusion-control
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
You just asked this very same question not long ago and got a lot of good responses...you might want to re-read this thread. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-control.html Did you follow through on any of the suggestions you were given? Some specific ones: You "quit" AA for a while and then decided that wasn't a good idea and that you should return...have you done so? Also, have you or are you currently seeing a therapist? If you aren't I'd highly recommend it.
I think it has a lot to do with having a child who is being bullied at school and has major anxiety issues. I feel so helpless! My heart aches for him and I try so hard but I can't MAKE kids be nice to him.
I already talked to the teachers, principal etc. I drive him to his psychologist, I pray with him, love him and try so hard to help him but I just feel like it doesn't help. I think that's what I am trying to control. I just want my child to be happy and for kids to leave him alone and be nice. It's driving me crazy!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Serenidad
Thanks Scott. Yes, I meditate, pray, Serenity prayer, exercise, go to AA meetings and work the steps, go to therapy...you name it. I just can't let go for some reason!
I think it has a lot to do with having a child who is being bullied at school and has major anxiety issues. I feel so helpless! My heart aches for him and I try so hard but I can't MAKE kids be nice to him.
I already talked to the teachers, principal etc. I drive him to his psychologist, I pray with him, love him and try so hard to help him but I just feel like it doesn't help. I think that's what I am trying to control. I just want my child to be happy and for kids to leave him alone and be nice. It's driving me crazy!
I think it has a lot to do with having a child who is being bullied at school and has major anxiety issues. I feel so helpless! My heart aches for him and I try so hard but I can't MAKE kids be nice to him.
I already talked to the teachers, principal etc. I drive him to his psychologist, I pray with him, love him and try so hard to help him but I just feel like it doesn't help. I think that's what I am trying to control. I just want my child to be happy and for kids to leave him alone and be nice. It's driving me crazy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I guess I'm not quite sure exactly what you are asking then. In your initial post it says you are trying to control everything and that it's compromising your resolve to stay sober. Is that the case or are you worried specifically about this issue with your child? In a sense you ARE controlling that situation whether you realize it or not - you are doing everything possible to make it better.
Ugh!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Serenidad
Well...I guess it's both. Sorry, my emotions are all over the place. I DO try to control everything but the biggest thing I am trying to control right NOW in my life that is REALLY jeopardizing my sobriety and Serenity are these punks that are bullying my son for no reason! Sometimes it takes me a little while to figure out what is really going on in my crazy head. I just can't stand to see my child hurting. :-( :-( :-(
Ugh!!!
Ugh!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Inpatient Treatment helped me big time. Took the work completely out of my hands. No temptations. No drinking, obviously. They even told me when breakfast was served, and when to turn out the lights. After 22 days I got back to the outside with a lot more knowledge and also felt very unburdened. Maybe you can do the same? I certainly never in a million years thought I'd be in treatment, but I'm glad I went so I could start getting my problems fixed. Good luck.
PS - it's not as hard as you think to get in. I pounded the phones and it took a couple days, but I was able to find an affordable local treatment facility with no frills. Worth every penny.
PS - it's not as hard as you think to get in. I pounded the phones and it took a couple days, but I was able to find an affordable local treatment facility with no frills. Worth every penny.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It hurts and is utterly exhausting trying to control everything and worry about everything. I can't do it anymore and stay sober!
careful, the above statement is a backdoor EXCUSE to drink again....you JUST gave yourself permission. needing to control things and drinking are SEPARATE issues....yet you have them connected as if one AUTOMATICALLY leads to the other. as if you can't help it.
as for kids bullying your child, take all the proper steps....notify the teachers, as to meet with the counselor and principal, ask what PLAN they are putting in place to assure this does not happen. speak to your child. let him know if need be and if his safety requires it, you will take him out of school. do not threaten to beat the other kids up, as that is the exact wrong message. and for pete's sake, do not let THIS be an EXCUSE to drink.........how in the hell does that solve anything?
one thing for sure that you ARE in control of is NEVER picking up a drink or drug again. that you can do PERFECTLY.
careful, the above statement is a backdoor EXCUSE to drink again....you JUST gave yourself permission. needing to control things and drinking are SEPARATE issues....yet you have them connected as if one AUTOMATICALLY leads to the other. as if you can't help it.
as for kids bullying your child, take all the proper steps....notify the teachers, as to meet with the counselor and principal, ask what PLAN they are putting in place to assure this does not happen. speak to your child. let him know if need be and if his safety requires it, you will take him out of school. do not threaten to beat the other kids up, as that is the exact wrong message. and for pete's sake, do not let THIS be an EXCUSE to drink.........how in the hell does that solve anything?
one thing for sure that you ARE in control of is NEVER picking up a drink or drug again. that you can do PERFECTLY.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Serenidad,
you cannot control these things (bullies, the principal, bullies' parents, school culture...)
what you CAN do is make some choices.
maybe this is where some of your difficulties and overwhelm come from: not seeing the difference between trying to control and having some choices you can make around the things you can't control.
you cannot control these things (bullies, the principal, bullies' parents, school culture...)
what you CAN do is make some choices.
maybe this is where some of your difficulties and overwhelm come from: not seeing the difference between trying to control and having some choices you can make around the things you can't control.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Serenidad
I think it has a lot to do with having a child who is being bullied at school and has major anxiety issues. I feel so helpless! My heart aches for him and I try so hard but I can't MAKE kids be nice to him.
I already talked to the teachers, principal etc. I drive him to his psychologist, I pray with him, love him and try so hard to help him but I just feel like it doesn't help. I think that's what I am trying to control. I just want my child to be happy and for kids to leave him alone and be nice. It's driving me crazy!
I already talked to the teachers, principal etc. I drive him to his psychologist, I pray with him, love him and try so hard to help him but I just feel like it doesn't help. I think that's what I am trying to control. I just want my child to be happy and for kids to leave him alone and be nice. It's driving me crazy!
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