I feel my chances of sobriety do not exist
 

this may be tl;dr for most people. I am just desperate for help and feel death is my only way out. I will try make this as short as possible but no promises.
I am 26

I started drinking every night at 13. My dad homebrewed beer at 7%, all I had to do was walk into the laundry (where he homebrewed) and there was always between 50 - 100 tallies (750 mils) so I would chuck 2 in the freezer an hour before i 'went to bed'. Which was just me going into my room and drinking, also i smoked pot from 12 every night which I won't mention further because this post is about my alcoholism.

At this time if I could not be bothered drinking beer I would just hit my mums cask of wine from the fridge. I only went to sleep by passing out. I had great and caring parents but had emotional problems my whole life and exasperated by a few years of sexual abuse from 7-10, I am only thankful it was by an older girl not a male.

I'll skip a bit. When I left school at 16 I started an engineering apprenticeship at this stage my mother would buy me cartons of beer because a) I was 'apparently' going somewhere and b) she was just over me drinking all her alcohol

around this time when I would drink with friends I would be finishing my 4th drink as they were starting their second, nothing mattered to me but alcohol so I slowly isolated myself and chose to drink alone rather than going to parties. I was also in the process of developing schizophrenia at this point, which is just a footnote as this story is just about my drinking.

At 18 I started working at a supermarket full time - 38 hours a week. I would struggle through my shifts and hit the bottleshop on the way home. I was drinking only 12 beers a night.

After four years of this work I acquired a lower back injury and after being on 'light duties' for 6 months lost my job because I was in pain all day and was not getting better.

22-
Because I was now broke I started drinking 3 bottles of $4 dollar wine a day - around 24 standard drinks, starting at about 2pm so I always got wasted.

at 23 I received a substantial payout for compensation so all i did was buy a carton of beer at 9 am - the second the Bottleshop opened.. drank all day for a few months till it just wasn't hitting the spot.

So I started buying a 1.5 litre bottle of bourbon and a carton of beer for chasers. I would usually finish the bottle in about 2 hours and only really got through 6-8 beers. cause the beers didn't really matter. After a few months of this my tounge was literally about 85% swollen white ulcer I had trouble talking, it still did not stop me - I was drinking to kill myself it just never worked ( even though often I swallowed handfulls of valium and xanax to get the job done).

Eventually I agreed to go to rehab. I spent a month there and had to do a whole bunch of counselling and all that ****. The day I got out I bought a bottle of Tequilla and carton of beer. Finished the bottle in an hour with only four beers as chasers, when my mum came home she thought I was dead - no such luck.

(I'm wrapping this up, sorry for the long post) I now live alone in my own unit and drink 10 beers and 6 cans of 9% bourbon a day - approximately 23 standard drinks.

Every morning I wake up with no desire to drink but at some point (around 10am) I get a thought in my head that tells me I have to get completely wasted because I hate myself and want to die when I'm not drunk. As I'm walking to the liquor store I keep thinking I don't even want to drink and "oh **** I'm so dehydrated I just want to go home and drink water and gatorade all day".

I also often throw up after my first sip of alcohol ( I do have a stomach ulcer)
but as soon as alcohol hits my bloodstream I can drink any and everything I can find then go and buy more. I just have no idea how to fix myself

If you are trying to kill your self it sounds like you are doing a good job of it. If you keep doing what you are doing it will happen and you will die. You are so young and have so much to live for and you don't even know it. Getting drunk is a job in its self. Getting into recovery is a full time job. There are a lot of people here at SR that are willing to help you. It is up to you to seek out that help. Ask and you will receive help. No mater what good luck on your journey. Love and Respect. Logo

Welcome NoLonger! (see how I cleverly shortened up your screen name? :))

I believe you can step away from alcohol and never look back. I have complete confidence in you.

I admire how your post stayed focused on alcohol even though it noted several other issues in passing. That focus and mental strength will serve you well in your future.

Keep reading on this forum and check out all the different ways people have gotten and stayed sober and healthy - then choose a way that seems attractive to you.

Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

hi nolongerknow

I'm sorry you feel so low, and think the situations hopeless - but I think most of us felt that way.

It's not a hopeless situation and neither are you :)

5 years ago I was an all day everyday drinker living alone - I'd done that day in adn day out for 5 years.

Your life sounds a lot like mine was....but I stopped - and this place had a lot to do with it.

I knew I was a better man than I was letting myself be, and I knew I deserved a better life than the one I was allowing myself to lead.

Drinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided I had to try something different.

It wasn't always easy, and I had to make a lot of changes in my life - but getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Supports really important though - you'll find a lot of that here tho :)

Are you thinking of some face to face support too? Groups like AA, or SMART (non 12 step)?

D

My heart goes out to you, and my thoughts are with you. Death is not the only way out. I can promise you that. You can get better.

But you are going to have to make drastic changes. Can you detox in a facility? Keep posting, and we will help you as your help yourself. You are not alone, and you can get sober.

Reach out to anyone and anyplace you know of to assess your options. And keep checking in with us.

I hope you work this out, you can always go to AA while you think about what you want to do, maybe just hang out there to feel a bit better about life and what you can have for yourself?

I am overwhelmed and flattered by the immediate responses. I have been on Naltrexone in the past, I actually went to the doc and asked for Anta-Buse - the drug that makes you throw up if you drink but he would not prescribe that, because of other mental health issues. He said If I was in a state that I needed escape from and couldn't get it because of the anta-buse it would be not good, so to speak. I have also tried AA, which I found much to religious in one way or another and very cliquey. The end of last year I went to a church and spoke to some people who worked there, I was in a homeless type housing at the time. Again I found it too intense for me. I visited this site 2 or 3 years ago and found it intriguing and accepting. tonight I joined because I am over my life being ruled by alcohol, again thank-you for your responses, I really hope to start my recovery.

Hi Nolongerknow,

I just joined, but felt compelled to reply to your post. You don't have to live this way anymore. You can change your life and you will get better. I agree with change4good -- there is hope. If drinking is something you've been doing everyday, changing this is going to change your life but for the GOOD of your life. Drastic changes but remember if there is no struggle, there is no progress. I wish you the best and please keep us updated. We are here to support and encourage you, you don't have to do this alone.

here's some aussie links - you might find the counselling ones helpful

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689

you'll also find a link for SMART in there - it's a recovery programme but secular and not 12 step based...might worth a look :)

SMART Recovery Australia |

D

welcome to you too simply :)

D

welcome to a place none of us planned on being at! i can relate to what you are feeling. the pain of getting drunk has exceeded the pain of reality. i wa to the point of desperation on 2/22/05. i got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was the problem in my life( actually, i was only existing). i didnt dring that day and was thinkg of ways to fix me. everything i had tried in the past came through my head, but i knew none of it worked. i hated myself like i had never hated before. i felt useless and worthless.
i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i chose AA and see what happens. i was gonna give it 90 days, do what they said to do, and if i didnt change, the kill myself.
ya know what one of my 1st lesson was?? my thinking got me there and my thinking wasnt gonnna fix me!!! wow!!! dont know iffen i ever heard that before, but i heard it then and knew it!

AA is NOT a religious program! if ya pick up the big book andread it, you will see what its all about and you will also find it is written all about you.
"trying" any means to get sober dooms an alcoholic to get drunk again. we MUST get into action and DO footwork to change ourselves. please decide to put in the footwork to change you and, given time, you will stop existing and start living!!

Nolongerknow, same story almost,
You gotta get through this dude.
Death is final, kaput, done and over and THERES NO COMING BACK OR CHANGING YOUR MIND.
Think about that man.
Your better than that.
All the best buddy

What a treasure of a book! Love it, have read it 2 or 3 times and often refer to it.

Welcome nolongerknow :) I think it's really good that you're reaching out here. I too drank horrid crazy amounts and my alcoholism manifested itself in many nasty physical and mental ways. Sometimes when we're down in the spiral of depression, alcoholism, hopelessness, it is so hard to see that there will ever be a brighter day. Everyday blends, everyday drunk, your life slips past :( Please don't give up, as the thing is, as bad as it is right this second, you can change it. You can start right now. Making decisions, making yourself a plan to Be Sober. This site is an amazing resource. Use all of it! You can live sober and deal with the issues of your life. It gets better.

Are you willing to stay stopped? Are you really done?

Try reading up on AVRT and follow that program.

AA is always available, if you go in with an open mind. It's not religious, it's spiritual. I fought it from my first meeting at 25 until last year. I wasted 25 years of my life. You have an opportunity to have a wonderfully sober life!

What's your choice going to be? There's always hope, if you are willing to seek it.

Best wishes,

Technically AA is not religious, however the spiritual 12 step program of AA is religious in nature. But none of that matters because there other recovery programs to explore that are secular.

As with many things in life it all comes down to a choice. Realizing that you have a choice in addiction is the height of awareness. When I choose to be sober more than my choosing to remain stuck in active addiction, I get well.

Hope to see you more around here at SR. You can get well.

Welcome NoLonger -

It's no coincidence that alcoholics have a high rate of suicide - it's a chemical depressant. I found that I became horribly depressed while drinking - just living in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. Once I got away from the alcohol, the depression started to fade. The anxiety/dread I awoke to each morning lifted. Give yourself a chance at sobriety - you might be pleasantly surprised....:ghug3

The thing is, none of us can do this on our own. I'm glad you're here - it's a great place to start. Look up alcoholism/mental health services in your area, too - you really don't have to live (or die) this way.

This bears repeating. You are flushing your brain in depressants. The cycle isn't easy on the rest of your body, either. In active alcoholics, only a small portion of the available nutrients in food is absorbed. Your liver enzymes must be totally out of whack now too.

In other words, you're not in a position to trust negative feelings—you're under far too much stress, physically and emotionally. Everything is going to be fine. You just need to detox for a few days, and you'll realize there's a way out of that pit. There's always a way. You'll find it.

Welcome...:wavey:

Change ...it was all about drastic changes for me to finally quit.
Because of your long history with alcohol and pills...I strongly
suggest you consider a medically supervised de tox....:yup:

Please check out the links Dee posted...and Yes! you really can find a
better healthier future. All my best

nolongerknow you are indeed killing yourself, but its a long, slow, humiliating death. It does not have to be like this. Right now you can not see it but there is hope for you. You can have a life free of alcohol and drugs but you need to get through the difficult time that comes when you first stop drinking. The craving to pick up again will be huge at first because doing so would keep the withdraws away. This is only temporary and will pass eventually. You can get through it, many in a situation similar to yours have. I have, and now twelve days later I feel like a new man. The human body is incredibly resilient and rebounds pretty quick. Stay strong through this relative short period and you will be on your way to recovery. I will keep my eye out for you here and keep you in my thoughts.

Thank-You to everybody for replying. if I was to quote the bits that helped, I would basically just be repeating the whole thread. I have a GP appointment tomorrow and am going to ask for Naltrexone gain or see if he knows anything about campral as NT did not help that much the first time round, though at the time I was expecting a miracle and did not really try very hard to stay abstinent.

I'm now at a stage where I realize it will be difficult but it can not possibly be worse then my current existence. Yes, I am willing to go AA or a similar group again. First I will try the Drug and Alcohol counseling service 1(of my 3) doctors have been suggesting I see. I may also try another 7 day in-house detox.

I will check-in after I see my doctor tomorow. Again thanks everyone, every reply helped. And to whoever posted the song, awesome dude.

This really comes down to weather you want to live or die. I'm a 25 year old woman who was forced to choose between drinking and everything else early in life. In the beginning I couldn't see a life without alcohol, and the first year sober was confusing and painful because of all the feelings I had been numbing with alcohol. But it gets better.

You are young and if you stop drinking now you have a lot of time ahead of you to heal and to build a new life. If you keep drinking you will only get lower and lower. I hope you find a reason to stop drinking.

Just wanted to say that I can relate. I use to be extremely dehydrated & just wanted juice/water but end up with booze also. I barely could walk the 2 blocks to the liquor store in the morning. I wasn't working & it seemed my only identity was being the "town drunk". I made 2 serious suicide attempts. One involving the police & was very nearly shot. The truth is not everyone dies from this disease. We can live in absolute misery for many years. That's what scared me. I went to about 6 or 7 treatment centers. I thought I would never, ever be able to stop. I've been sober since Sept. of last year. Not a very long time but if I can do it than anyone can.

Your story touched a soft spot in my heart and my thoughts are with you tonight. I hope you find support here, and that you will make a change soon.

It really is embarrassing I used to visit 2 or 3 different bottle stores a day to try and hide the amount I was drinking. Then there were times when I just stopped caring what people think, that's where I'm at now.

The guy at the store around the corner has asked me "do you drink all this to yourself" inquiring whether had a gf or someone I'm splitting with. Those questions cut to the bone cause it makes me realize the absolutely pathetic nature of my existence.

Well I am about to leave the house to go to the doctor and ask for naltrexone or campral and probably get some Valium. But I can feel my whole mind, body and spirit telling me I won't get back home without buying alcohol. I have already nearly cancelled the appointment a few times this morning because I just want to get drunk right now.

The act of "just not buying" in the first place is the hardest part for me, but I have read other people saying this as well..

Hi, nolonger.

Definitely go see your doctor—just the act of moving will hopefully take you out of the urge a bit. I found it helpful to replace the act of buying and drinking with the act of doing something else. Reading SR helped me a lot. For others it might be getting face to face support, getting exercise, going for a drive, whatever it takes.

I thought I was a hopeless case, but thank goodness I was wrong. There is always hope and a solution. Don't give up on yourself. It takes hard work and determination, but you can overcome this. Welcome and my best to you...

You know the worst thing about alcoholism is that drinking is really freakin' hard work! I mean it's really hard to keep drinking and yet it is the most rapacious creditor that destroys everything. Especially when my gums and tongue begin to swell and it's really painful to drink and yet I still persist. What a horrible medical condition. What a cruel substance.

I was one month after my 27th birthday when I got sober. I started getting drunk just as young and started getting drunk daily just before I turned 16 never stopping until I quit on the date listed below except for a day or two here or there. (No, that's a lie. I quit for 3 months doing a South Beach diet to lose weight).

Anyways - you sound like you're being honest with yourself. I don't know what your frame of mind was when you went into meetings last time. But as long as you keep that honesty up and you go into those meetings with an open heart and willing to do anything for your life....getting sober and living sober isn't easy...but it's a hell of a lot easier than being drunk and killing yourself. It's a lot more rewarding too, I promise you that.

Lots of positive thoughts to you from over here and I really hope you get some help from your GP. If you don't....find another. I agree with Carol though....I would look into a medical detox with that amount of alcohol and the pills.

*hugs*