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Morning Glory 10-22-2004 08:51 AM

Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
 
This was an eyeopener for me. I thought these things were normal. Now even my losses are dysfunctional, lol. That's a loss. :hmmm:

Tools for Handling Loss
Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
The following are incidents of losses are sometimes experienced by members of dysfunctional families:


Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely.

Living in an "abnormal'' family
Inability to achieve their fantasy or the dream expectation of ``normal'' family life while in their family of origin.
Being unable to make it better in a new family Loss of the expectation or desire for things to be better in the new nuclear family than they were in the family of origin; destructive patterns emerge.

Having an unhappy, nonproductive marriage
Loss of the expectation of a happy, ``normal'' marriage when they confront the realities of the present marriage.

Having other than ``normal,'' healthy children
Loss of the expectation of having children who are going to be better off than they were. When their children have ill health, a developmental disability, or have emotional or behavior problems, they grieve even more.

Death of a spouse or child
Loss of the loved one who was going to help them make their life better.

Death of a parent
Losing the chance to make it right and get close to parent. Continued feelings of neglect, hurt, of not being ``good enough'' to get parent's attention, recognition, approval.

Divorce
Loss of the ``ideal'' marriage that was going to make things better. Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner.

Financial troubles
Loss of self-respect. Belief that one should provide financial security for self, spouse, and family is shattered.

Loss of job, failure of private business or failure in school Loss of trust in self and others. Belief that one should provide a source of financial security or high grade point average for family is shattered.

Realization that stressful families of origin influence their current behavior
Loss of comfort in memories of the past. Thoughts of the past become colored with the realities of delusion and denial present in families of origin.

Confrontation of addictive behavior in their lives (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
Loss of ability to hide behind the denial and delusion that things in their lives were ``normal.'' Destructive patterns become clear.

Entering a treatment or rehabilitation program
Loss of privacy, loss of being able to continue with non-confronted denial, repression, or delusional behavior.

A family member enters a treatment program and responds
Loss of expectation of problem behavior of person as being ``normal'' or characteristic of the person; loss of predictability of the person's behavior. Realization that family ``secrets'' are out.

Occurrence of natural disaster or accident
Loss of property, health, and security in things, people, or life.

Physical or mental illness in family
Loss of expectation of natural course of events for self and others. Family life turned upside down.

Lack of recognition for accomplishments on the job, at school or in the community
Loss of belief in their own self-worth and loss of incentive to continue trying. Reinforcement of the feeling that no matter what they do, it is not ``good enough.''

Realizing their loss of productivity on the job as they grow older
Loss of self-worth and meaning based on the belief that their worth is built solely upon what they do on the job or for others.

Older children move out of the house
The ``empty nest'' is a sign of their no longer being needed, and they lose the ``meaning'' gained for themselves by rearing their children.

Retirement
Loss of self-worth and meaning of life based on their ``work,'' which was their sole identity

Gabe 10-22-2004 08:57 AM

Oh thank God that wasn't one of those things where you have to give yourself points for each one you've experienced. My score would have been way too high.

Morning Glory 10-22-2004 09:27 AM

I think I could probably add some. I've been through every one of them except retirement.

DesertEyes 10-22-2004 04:00 PM

Hey, this is _me_ all over. Somebody's been peeking in my diary ;-)


Originally Posted by Morning Glory
... Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner....Physical or mental illness in family

ummmm.... yup. I'm right smack in the middle of dealing with these two little nasties.

You know, I keep finding stuff like this about me. I should start charging. Every time somebody comes up to me and points a new "dysfunction" in me I'm gonna charge 'em a penny. See how many months 'till I can retire <lol>

Mike :-)

utopia 10-24-2004 02:41 AM

im a barrel of dysfunction and its too much to see them all so im just dealin one at atime. i dont need to griee over the fact that im grieving. i just need to realise it and then ask god to help me let it go unless i want to CONSCIOUSLY be sad and feel like shite

JT 10-24-2004 06:12 AM

MG,

That is just sick! And it is all caused by "Leave it to Beaver" and "The Waltons" !!

journeygal 10-24-2004 06:44 AM

OK, I'm confused. About half of these occur in "normal" families too, right? What makes the death of a spouse, child, or parent, divorce, unhappy marriage, job woes, etc, dysfunctional losses? :dunno

DesertEyes 10-24-2004 11:16 AM

Heya journeygal :-)


Originally Posted by journeygal
... What makes the death of a spouse, child, or parent, divorce, unhappy marriage, job woes, etc, dysfunctional losses?

It's not the _loss_ that is dysfunctional. It's our _perception_ of the loss that is dysfunctional.

i.e. If a child loses a parent it's a terrible event. If a child in a dysfunctional family loses a parent it is also a terrible event, but it is worse because of the "constellation" of the dysfunctional family. If the lost parent was a "protector" of the child then you have all the additional fears of harm from the "aggressor" parent. Whichever role was played by the lost parent in the "dysfunctional constelation" the child is going to feel a large number of additional emotions above and beyond the normal feelings of grief.

In my case I'm dealing with divorce. I have all the normal feelings from that loss. In addition, I have developed an expectation of myself, as far back as I can remember, that I would never be the kind of monstruous alcoholic that would cause so much pain to a woman that she would divorce him. In turn that brings up all kinds of guilt that is not appropriate in my situation because I've been sober since before I was married. I have never done any of the the things my parents did. But because of my own ACA self-expectations, and my lack of experience in the world of "normal" relationships, I'm dealing with additional feelings of guilt and low self-esteem.

In my case, it's not the divorce and the resulting grief that is dysfunctional. It is all the _additional_ feelings that are dysfunctional.

Am I making sense?

Mike :-)

Morning Glory 10-24-2004 12:27 PM

I put all my unmet needs into my relationships. When the relationship ended I was starving to death. It wasn't safe at home when I was a child so I hid most of the time. I had none of my emotional needs met.

I chose relationships to get those needs met. I remember crying historically in kindergarten because the little boy didn't like me anymore.

I hit bottom when I was 29 and the love of my life left me. I couldn't eat and was skin and bones and ended up in the hospital. I put all my eggs in one basket and lost everything when the person walked away. It almost killed me. Relationships had been my survival. It was my main way of coping. That is the way I coped from as far back as I can remember. I didn't know that at the time though. I was just doing what I always did. Surviving.

I had all the other losses above that were down the same dysfunctional road, but none as intense as the relationship issue.

Hugs

Gabe 10-24-2004 12:37 PM


Originally Posted by Morning Glory
I put all my unmet needs into my relationships.

Wow, that has got to be one of the top ten Codie characteristics. Looking to others to meet our needs that have otherwise gone unmet. I know I've done it. And I don't think while I was doing it, I ever once thought of what a huge burden that is for the other person. Constantly tugging on them to meet my needs that were being unmet elsewhere.
Good food for thought MG, thanks.

Morning Glory 10-24-2004 12:50 PM

You're right Gabe. It was really hard for me to start taking responsiblity for what I was doing to others. Owning that it was all my problem was the first step.

There were many, many very painful light bulb moments.

Hugs

journeygal 10-24-2004 02:40 PM

Ok, I get it. We unhealthily place our lifeline, sense of self, and well-being into a person, place, or thing, which isn't necessarily unhealthy if we were children, and when that lifeline is removed our entire sense of self is destroyed.

Wow, I'm having a lot of eye-opening moments on the boards today. :)

utopia 10-26-2004 08:20 PM


Originally Posted by Gabe
Looking to others to meet our needs that have otherwise gone unmet. I know I've done it. And I don't think while I was doing it, I ever once thought of what a huge burden that is for the other person. Constantly tugging on them to meet my needs that were being unmet elsewhere.
.

amen to that sista, i do that a lot to, its funny when im looking for praise and affection that i never got from my alco father :hfrankie and when someone does compliment me i discredit it because its not just praise im seeking its the praise of my father, his congratlations that never came, leaving a void of low selfworth :bigcry

esp in romantic rlsps i want control and i want them to need me, really NEED me, be enraptured so i am needed, so that i matter, so that im validated. im letting that go now but it still crops up now and again, at least i am aware of it and am wroking on it in alanon, progress not perfection :shysmile:
toby

Sigh 10-29-2004 09:42 AM


Originally Posted by Morning Glory
This was an eyeopener for me. I thought these things were normal. Now even my losses are dysfunctional, lol. That's a loss. :hmmm:

Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely




You mean it’s NOT normal to have to run all the way home from school at the age of 13 so your mother could leave for work and you spend the rest of the night (until around 11) taking care of two siblings ages 3 and 6, prepare their suppers, bathe them, put them in sleepy pajamas and some how manage to keep them safe from an alcoholic father? To be told when your mother returns ah you did a good job but there were crumbs in the kitchen..…….but….always a but.

You mean it’s not normal to write these words out and suddenly wish to defend your family because after all eventually your father did stop drinking and it turned out he was indeed a decent human being, for the most part?

You mean it’s not normal to marry young and create the warm happy home you always wish you had. To create a home filled with laughter and love, and consistency. To create a home absent of drinking, drugs, screaming voices, pot roasts flying out kitchen windows and fill it with a family with such strong bonds you think nothing can shatter them. You think you have dealt very successfully with the ‘issues’ of your past.

You mean it’s not normal when you find out that all your best efforts, have failed in creating a secure environment, have failed in the worst possible way and you find one day you son, your only son, your first born child, is addicted to heroin.

You mean it’s not normal…….When your past rears up again after such a long time and haunts you along with your current reality.

You mean it’s not nomal……….

I’ve run out of words
I’m not myself this week.
sigh

Gabe 10-29-2004 09:54 AM


Originally Posted by Sigh
You mean it’s not normal to marry young and create the warm happy home you always wish you had.

The best offense being a good defense, I tried this one too. And it worked for the most part. It gave my kids a stable, happy home to grow up in. However, it didn't erase the baggage I was still carrying around from my own dysfunctional childhood. That stuff only got put down when I decided I was more than tired of lugging it around.

Sigh 10-29-2004 10:13 AM

My home was a stable happy home.

I thought I put all my baggage down years and years ago, perhaps I have.
I can't be sure this is not just some weird memory lane self punishing trip.

sigh

Morning Glory 10-29-2004 10:31 AM

I don't think you're self punishing Sigh. I look back on things the same way sometimes. Sometimes I just get pissed off at what life dished out. Acknowledging what we went through is important.
We've kept it a secret for much too long. There are many many addicts that came from stable homes. It's not your fault.

Hugs,
MG

Sigh 10-29-2004 10:35 AM

I was successful…
In keeping my brothers safe

I was successful..
In forgiving my father his addiction and establishing a loving relationship and destroying the ‘hate’ that had been there. My father is the only person in my life I’ve actively hated.

I was successful at seeing all my mothers’ fine qualities at the same time being very aware she was the one that taught me my needs were second to all.

I was successful.
In creating a happy, laughter filled home.

I have failed to keep addiction out of my home
I have failed at the one thing I wanted most of all.
I have failed.

My own son has told me (without my asking) this is not so.
My own son has told me I am why he initially went into recovery.

Yet..I fight now these feelings of failure. Acute and absolute

DesertEyes 10-29-2004 10:45 AM


Originally Posted by Sigh
... You mean it’s not normal when you find out that all your best efforts, have failed in creating a secure environment, have failed in the worst possible way and you find one day you son, your only son, your first born child, is addicted to heroin.

You have _not_ failed. Addictions are _not_ preventable by having a perfect family. What you have acomplished is you have greatly increased the chances of your son recovering from his addiction. He _knows_ that life can be happy, joyous and free. He _has_ a loving family to return to. I never had that, and that made my recovery all the more difficult.

You have been succesful beyond your wildest dreams, because you did not follow in the footsteps of your biological parents. You are succesful because you are in a program and taking action to help your son, actions that your parents never took.

Don't listen to those echoes of your parents words. Those are lies and they will only hurt you and your son. Listen to the people who _really_ love you and _really_ care for you and you will see that you are the best mother any son could ever dream of having.

Mike :-)
* who is doing better at ignoring echoes *

Sigh 10-30-2004 09:21 AM

As mothers it is our job, our duty, to protect our children. I understand when a mother says she would stand between her newborn child and a hungry tiger. I don't doubt words like that.

Addiction often strikes in the teen years and slides fast forward and past the time the addicts should mature into adults. Addiction often stalls this emotional growth and as parents we end up with adult/children. I think this continues, extends our protective cycle past the normal point it should have shifted into our understanding that as adults they are quite capable to care for themselves.

Durning crisis, some of us come to the understanding that addiction is not something we can control. Unfortunately this means, when our adult/child is in the most serious crisis of their lives the most loving thing we can do is to stop protecting them.

Having to come to this what should be a natural shift between a mothers protectiveness and an understanding your child is a capable adult is extremely difficult because you doubt they are capable, it seems they constantly make such poor choices for themselves.

Yet, it remains the thing to be done. I think it triggers very very difficult emotions within the mothers, the parents. Such as feelings of failure, helplessness and a sadness that seems bottomless.

We end up having to fight for our own emotional health, our own emotional balance.

sigh

Gabe 10-30-2004 10:22 AM

As mothers, it is our job, our duty to protect our children...when they are children.
I think the other part of this very difficult job is letting them go when they grow up.
Letting them go out there and do whatever it is they have to do.
Letting them know that we are confident that they can make it on their own.
Being supportive, yet expressing the belief that they have their wings and they can fly.
None of this is easy stuff.
None of it.

journeygal 10-30-2004 11:01 AM

Sigh, you have amazing insight. Yet the struggle to let go of feeling responsible remains. I understand the feelings you have and I think I would feel much the same way. That doesn't make it right, mind you, it just means we have a bit more recovery work to do. ;)

I'm struggling with the loss of a marriage and feeling responsible and unworthy, even though I know my husband can not be expected to act in a responsible and healthy way until he finds recovery. To escape reality he has found another woman to enable and rescue him, who refuses to give up on him, in spite of the huge amount of baggage he's trying to avoid. To hear the details of their relationship is eerie. He has managed to recreate the relationship he and I had five years ago. He is stuck in an addict/codie relationship cycle that will continue until he's ready to face his demons and get real help. There's no room for me in that cycle. I choose to get off the merry-go-round, since neither one of them can.

I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?

Sigh 10-30-2004 11:40 AM


Originally Posted by Gabe
As mothers, it is our job, our duty to protect our children...when they are children.
I think the other part of this very difficult job is letting them go when they grow up.
Letting them go out there and do whatever it is they have to do.
Letting them know that we are confident that they can make it on their own.
Being supportive, yet expressing the belief that they have their wings and they can fly.
None of this is easy stuff.
None of it.

Gabe, I think you are right but what you say sounds to me like the 'normal' pattern of mother and child. When you are dealing with an addicted adult/child you are very aware that addicts do not 'grow up'. If they are 24, 34, 42, they can still be 'emotionally' 16.

They do not start to grow up again emotionally, shift into becoming true adults until they seek out recovery.

They often do not seek out recovery until AFTER we have had to let them go. It's not a normal cycle.

We still must follow that pattern, the letting them go, the being supportive, expressing the belief they can handle their own lives. We have to have 'faith' they can make it on their own, because it's too difficult to have 'confidence'.

sigh

Gabe 10-30-2004 11:50 AM

Good point about the arrested development Sigh.
That must make a big difference in the letting go issues that parents of addicts must face.

Sigh 10-30-2004 11:56 AM


Originally Posted by journeygal
I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?

Journey,

I don't know.

The only thing I can come up with is within my own personal experience.

I find I am capable of grasping quickly the recovery concepts and understanding what I need to do, to actively do to put them in place. I am capable of changing my own behavior. I will not actively or passively contribute to my son's addiction. I also have a desire not to allow his addiction to pull me into it's darkness and it almost did, and it could again, if I allow it.

I also find that grasping and implementing the concepts is not enough.
I find my 'emotional' self scrambling hard, very hard to 'catch up'.

Like Gabe said... "None of this is easy stuff"

warm hugs

sigh

DesertEyes 10-30-2004 08:17 PM


Originally Posted by journeygal
... I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?

For me it's because the mind understands, but does not feel. The heart feels, but does not understand. It takes time and love for the understandings of the mind to reach my heart and be accepted. I heard from a very wise friend today that the most difficult journey is the one from the mind to the heart. For me that is very true. The more time and love that I give my own heart, the sooner it will heal, just like with any injury. But if I keep picking at it and expecting it to just get up and go without proper recovery it will _never_ heal.

What helps me the most is to reach out to others who hurt more than I do. There's no shortage of them at my meetings. It's the best pain-killer I've found yet.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

Morning Glory 10-31-2004 01:21 AM

Sigh,

I've felt and understand everything you are saying. It's a very hard process for us.

JG,

What part of you feels unworthy of being loved?

journeygal 10-31-2004 03:51 AM

Oh MG, this is an old tape that's been playing in my head for a long long time. It plays at a much quieter volume these days and I don't hear it very often, but when stuff like this happens and I start to question my self-worth, it winds back up.

Mike, what you said makes a lot of sense. I also know that my heart won't heal on its own. Not only do I need time to work through all of this stuff, I need to lean on others while I do. Like you guys. :)

((((((Sigh)))))) Yup, this stuff sure ain't easy...

JT 10-31-2004 04:36 AM


I also find that grasping and implementing the concepts is not enough.
I find my 'emotional' self scrambling hard, very hard to 'catch up'.
Sigh,

Having been around this program for as long as I have I have recently realized that it is all a process. My "emotional self" is coming around. I have found myself following my son's lead. The more he lives in his addiction the more I find myself progressing in my recovery. He is living, breathing proof that I have no power. He has single handedly shut up the committee...he did it, not me.

Me? I came from dysfunction and lived most of my adult life in dysfunction. Fighting, drinking, drugs, holes in walls, slammed doors, broken dishes, ruined dinners...all in the name of trying to get my needs met. I am ripe for the pickin' when my son tries to place blame. All I have in my defense is living the right way today.

MG said something about putting all of her eggs in one basket. That is something that, even thinking about it, makes me anxious. I am a "one foot out the door" kind of gal. I always have an egg or two stashed. I have no idea what that is about. Healthy? Unhealthy? Somewhere I learned not to trust anyone 100% with my "self".

Hugs,
JT

Sigh 10-31-2004 07:58 AM


Originally Posted by Gabe
The best offense being a good defense, I tried this one too. And it worked for the most part. It gave my kids a stable, happy home to grow up in. However, it didn't erase the baggage I was still carrying around from my own dysfunctional childhood. That stuff only got put down when I decided I was more than tired of lugging it around.

Morning Glory "We've kept it a secret for much too long"


Sometimes I have to read things here over and over before I really hear what is being said to me.

Gabe, I did think that on some level that the best offense is a good defense. I wonder how I managed to be so cool and caculating in reveiwing my past. Somehow at a very young age I was able to look at it objectively and say, Ok I know what NOT to do.

I honestly felt that the past should not be denied it was also best not overly inspected. I said, this was not ok and I walked away. There were good times also and somehow I 'made' them my past reality. Does that make me an imposter? I don't know.

Perhaps I did deal with the past effectively, but I kept the past a secret. I never talked about it, never. I walked out of my parents home and was married three weeks after I turned 21. Between that time and since coming to SR I have never spoken of the 'things that were not ok'.

I even had trouble sliding over into this forum. I am not an angry person, in fact sometimes I have trouble finding my anger even when it should be justified. Yet, just speaking here, identifying myself someone who grew up in a home with active addiction at first made me angry, really angry. I don't know where it all came from.

Perhaps it makes me angry because I decided long ago not to be a 'victim' of my past, my past had no right to color my future, I could determine my future alllllll byyyyyy myyyyyy self.

Perhaps all I need to do is 'spill' my secrets.

I suspect I'm rambling, thinking out loud. I'm still trapped in my own head a bit.

Hugs

Sigh


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