Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
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Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
This was an eyeopener for me. I thought these things were normal. Now even my losses are dysfunctional, lol. That's a loss. 
Tools for Handling Loss
Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
The following are incidents of losses are sometimes experienced by members of dysfunctional families:
Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely.
Living in an "abnormal'' family
Inability to achieve their fantasy or the dream expectation of ``normal'' family life while in their family of origin.
Being unable to make it better in a new family Loss of the expectation or desire for things to be better in the new nuclear family than they were in the family of origin; destructive patterns emerge.
Having an unhappy, nonproductive marriage
Loss of the expectation of a happy, ``normal'' marriage when they confront the realities of the present marriage.
Having other than ``normal,'' healthy children
Loss of the expectation of having children who are going to be better off than they were. When their children have ill health, a developmental disability, or have emotional or behavior problems, they grieve even more.
Death of a spouse or child
Loss of the loved one who was going to help them make their life better.
Death of a parent
Losing the chance to make it right and get close to parent. Continued feelings of neglect, hurt, of not being ``good enough'' to get parent's attention, recognition, approval.
Divorce
Loss of the ``ideal'' marriage that was going to make things better. Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner.
Financial troubles
Loss of self-respect. Belief that one should provide financial security for self, spouse, and family is shattered.
Loss of job, failure of private business or failure in school Loss of trust in self and others. Belief that one should provide a source of financial security or high grade point average for family is shattered.
Realization that stressful families of origin influence their current behavior
Loss of comfort in memories of the past. Thoughts of the past become colored with the realities of delusion and denial present in families of origin.
Confrontation of addictive behavior in their lives (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
Loss of ability to hide behind the denial and delusion that things in their lives were ``normal.'' Destructive patterns become clear.
Entering a treatment or rehabilitation program
Loss of privacy, loss of being able to continue with non-confronted denial, repression, or delusional behavior.
A family member enters a treatment program and responds
Loss of expectation of problem behavior of person as being ``normal'' or characteristic of the person; loss of predictability of the person's behavior. Realization that family ``secrets'' are out.
Occurrence of natural disaster or accident
Loss of property, health, and security in things, people, or life.
Physical or mental illness in family
Loss of expectation of natural course of events for self and others. Family life turned upside down.
Lack of recognition for accomplishments on the job, at school or in the community
Loss of belief in their own self-worth and loss of incentive to continue trying. Reinforcement of the feeling that no matter what they do, it is not ``good enough.''
Realizing their loss of productivity on the job as they grow older
Loss of self-worth and meaning based on the belief that their worth is built solely upon what they do on the job or for others.
Older children move out of the house
The ``empty nest'' is a sign of their no longer being needed, and they lose the ``meaning'' gained for themselves by rearing their children.
Retirement
Loss of self-worth and meaning of life based on their ``work,'' which was their sole identity
Tools for Handling Loss
Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families
The following are incidents of losses are sometimes experienced by members of dysfunctional families:
Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely.
Living in an "abnormal'' family
Inability to achieve their fantasy or the dream expectation of ``normal'' family life while in their family of origin.
Being unable to make it better in a new family Loss of the expectation or desire for things to be better in the new nuclear family than they were in the family of origin; destructive patterns emerge.
Having an unhappy, nonproductive marriage
Loss of the expectation of a happy, ``normal'' marriage when they confront the realities of the present marriage.
Having other than ``normal,'' healthy children
Loss of the expectation of having children who are going to be better off than they were. When their children have ill health, a developmental disability, or have emotional or behavior problems, they grieve even more.
Death of a spouse or child
Loss of the loved one who was going to help them make their life better.
Death of a parent
Losing the chance to make it right and get close to parent. Continued feelings of neglect, hurt, of not being ``good enough'' to get parent's attention, recognition, approval.
Divorce
Loss of the ``ideal'' marriage that was going to make things better. Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner.
Financial troubles
Loss of self-respect. Belief that one should provide financial security for self, spouse, and family is shattered.
Loss of job, failure of private business or failure in school Loss of trust in self and others. Belief that one should provide a source of financial security or high grade point average for family is shattered.
Realization that stressful families of origin influence their current behavior
Loss of comfort in memories of the past. Thoughts of the past become colored with the realities of delusion and denial present in families of origin.
Confrontation of addictive behavior in their lives (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
Loss of ability to hide behind the denial and delusion that things in their lives were ``normal.'' Destructive patterns become clear.
Entering a treatment or rehabilitation program
Loss of privacy, loss of being able to continue with non-confronted denial, repression, or delusional behavior.
A family member enters a treatment program and responds
Loss of expectation of problem behavior of person as being ``normal'' or characteristic of the person; loss of predictability of the person's behavior. Realization that family ``secrets'' are out.
Occurrence of natural disaster or accident
Loss of property, health, and security in things, people, or life.
Physical or mental illness in family
Loss of expectation of natural course of events for self and others. Family life turned upside down.
Lack of recognition for accomplishments on the job, at school or in the community
Loss of belief in their own self-worth and loss of incentive to continue trying. Reinforcement of the feeling that no matter what they do, it is not ``good enough.''
Realizing their loss of productivity on the job as they grow older
Loss of self-worth and meaning based on the belief that their worth is built solely upon what they do on the job or for others.
Older children move out of the house
The ``empty nest'' is a sign of their no longer being needed, and they lose the ``meaning'' gained for themselves by rearing their children.
Retirement
Loss of self-worth and meaning of life based on their ``work,'' which was their sole identity
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey, this is _me_ all over. Somebody's been peeking in my diary ;-)
ummmm.... yup. I'm right smack in the middle of dealing with these two little nasties.
You know, I keep finding stuff like this about me. I should start charging. Every time somebody comes up to me and points a new "dysfunction" in me I'm gonna charge 'em a penny. See how many months 'till I can retire <lol>
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
... Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner....Physical or mental illness in family
You know, I keep finding stuff like this about me. I should start charging. Every time somebody comes up to me and points a new "dysfunction" in me I'm gonna charge 'em a penny. See how many months 'till I can retire <lol>
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
im a barrel of dysfunction and its too much to see them all so im just dealin one at atime. i dont need to griee over the fact that im grieving. i just need to realise it and then ask god to help me let it go unless i want to CONSCIOUSLY be sad and feel like shite
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
OK, I'm confused. About half of these occur in "normal" families too, right? What makes the death of a spouse, child, or parent, divorce, unhappy marriage, job woes, etc, dysfunctional losses? 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya journeygal :-)
It's not the _loss_ that is dysfunctional. It's our _perception_ of the loss that is dysfunctional.
i.e. If a child loses a parent it's a terrible event. If a child in a dysfunctional family loses a parent it is also a terrible event, but it is worse because of the "constellation" of the dysfunctional family. If the lost parent was a "protector" of the child then you have all the additional fears of harm from the "aggressor" parent. Whichever role was played by the lost parent in the "dysfunctional constelation" the child is going to feel a large number of additional emotions above and beyond the normal feelings of grief.
In my case I'm dealing with divorce. I have all the normal feelings from that loss. In addition, I have developed an expectation of myself, as far back as I can remember, that I would never be the kind of monstruous alcoholic that would cause so much pain to a woman that she would divorce him. In turn that brings up all kinds of guilt that is not appropriate in my situation because I've been sober since before I was married. I have never done any of the the things my parents did. But because of my own ACA self-expectations, and my lack of experience in the world of "normal" relationships, I'm dealing with additional feelings of guilt and low self-esteem.
In my case, it's not the divorce and the resulting grief that is dysfunctional. It is all the _additional_ feelings that are dysfunctional.
Am I making sense?
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by journeygal
... What makes the death of a spouse, child, or parent, divorce, unhappy marriage, job woes, etc, dysfunctional losses?
i.e. If a child loses a parent it's a terrible event. If a child in a dysfunctional family loses a parent it is also a terrible event, but it is worse because of the "constellation" of the dysfunctional family. If the lost parent was a "protector" of the child then you have all the additional fears of harm from the "aggressor" parent. Whichever role was played by the lost parent in the "dysfunctional constelation" the child is going to feel a large number of additional emotions above and beyond the normal feelings of grief.
In my case I'm dealing with divorce. I have all the normal feelings from that loss. In addition, I have developed an expectation of myself, as far back as I can remember, that I would never be the kind of monstruous alcoholic that would cause so much pain to a woman that she would divorce him. In turn that brings up all kinds of guilt that is not appropriate in my situation because I've been sober since before I was married. I have never done any of the the things my parents did. But because of my own ACA self-expectations, and my lack of experience in the world of "normal" relationships, I'm dealing with additional feelings of guilt and low self-esteem.
In my case, it's not the divorce and the resulting grief that is dysfunctional. It is all the _additional_ feelings that are dysfunctional.
Am I making sense?
Mike :-)
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I put all my unmet needs into my relationships. When the relationship ended I was starving to death. It wasn't safe at home when I was a child so I hid most of the time. I had none of my emotional needs met.
I chose relationships to get those needs met. I remember crying historically in kindergarten because the little boy didn't like me anymore.
I hit bottom when I was 29 and the love of my life left me. I couldn't eat and was skin and bones and ended up in the hospital. I put all my eggs in one basket and lost everything when the person walked away. It almost killed me. Relationships had been my survival. It was my main way of coping. That is the way I coped from as far back as I can remember. I didn't know that at the time though. I was just doing what I always did. Surviving.
I had all the other losses above that were down the same dysfunctional road, but none as intense as the relationship issue.
Hugs
I chose relationships to get those needs met. I remember crying historically in kindergarten because the little boy didn't like me anymore.
I hit bottom when I was 29 and the love of my life left me. I couldn't eat and was skin and bones and ended up in the hospital. I put all my eggs in one basket and lost everything when the person walked away. It almost killed me. Relationships had been my survival. It was my main way of coping. That is the way I coped from as far back as I can remember. I didn't know that at the time though. I was just doing what I always did. Surviving.
I had all the other losses above that were down the same dysfunctional road, but none as intense as the relationship issue.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
I put all my unmet needs into my relationships.
Good food for thought MG, thanks.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Ok, I get it. We unhealthily place our lifeline, sense of self, and well-being into a person, place, or thing, which isn't necessarily unhealthy if we were children, and when that lifeline is removed our entire sense of self is destroyed.
Wow, I'm having a lot of eye-opening moments on the boards today.
Wow, I'm having a lot of eye-opening moments on the boards today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
Originally Posted by Gabe
Looking to others to meet our needs that have otherwise gone unmet. I know I've done it. And I don't think while I was doing it, I ever once thought of what a huge burden that is for the other person. Constantly tugging on them to meet my needs that were being unmet elsewhere.
.
.
esp in romantic rlsps i want control and i want them to need me, really NEED me, be enraptured so i am needed, so that i matter, so that im validated. im letting that go now but it still crops up now and again, at least i am aware of it and am wroking on it in alanon, progress not perfection :shysmile:
toby
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
This was an eyeopener for me. I thought these things were normal. Now even my losses are dysfunctional, lol. That's a loss.
Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely
Having an "abnormal'' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely
You mean it’s NOT normal to have to run all the way home from school at the age of 13 so your mother could leave for work and you spend the rest of the night (until around 11) taking care of two siblings ages 3 and 6, prepare their suppers, bathe them, put them in sleepy pajamas and some how manage to keep them safe from an alcoholic father? To be told when your mother returns ah you did a good job but there were crumbs in the kitchen..…….but….always a but.
You mean it’s not normal to write these words out and suddenly wish to defend your family because after all eventually your father did stop drinking and it turned out he was indeed a decent human being, for the most part?
You mean it’s not normal to marry young and create the warm happy home you always wish you had. To create a home filled with laughter and love, and consistency. To create a home absent of drinking, drugs, screaming voices, pot roasts flying out kitchen windows and fill it with a family with such strong bonds you think nothing can shatter them. You think you have dealt very successfully with the ‘issues’ of your past.
You mean it’s not normal when you find out that all your best efforts, have failed in creating a secure environment, have failed in the worst possible way and you find one day you son, your only son, your first born child, is addicted to heroin.
You mean it’s not normal…….When your past rears up again after such a long time and haunts you along with your current reality.
You mean it’s not nomal……….
I’ve run out of words
I’m not myself this week.
sigh
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by Sigh
You mean it’s not normal to marry young and create the warm happy home you always wish you had.
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
My home was a stable happy home.
I thought I put all my baggage down years and years ago, perhaps I have.
I can't be sure this is not just some weird memory lane self punishing trip.
sigh
I thought I put all my baggage down years and years ago, perhaps I have.
I can't be sure this is not just some weird memory lane self punishing trip.
sigh
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I don't think you're self punishing Sigh. I look back on things the same way sometimes. Sometimes I just get pissed off at what life dished out. Acknowledging what we went through is important.
We've kept it a secret for much too long. There are many many addicts that came from stable homes. It's not your fault.
Hugs,
MG
We've kept it a secret for much too long. There are many many addicts that came from stable homes. It's not your fault.
Hugs,
MG
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
I was successful…
In keeping my brothers safe
I was successful..
In forgiving my father his addiction and establishing a loving relationship and destroying the ‘hate’ that had been there. My father is the only person in my life I’ve actively hated.
I was successful at seeing all my mothers’ fine qualities at the same time being very aware she was the one that taught me my needs were second to all.
I was successful.
In creating a happy, laughter filled home.
I have failed to keep addiction out of my home
I have failed at the one thing I wanted most of all.
I have failed.
My own son has told me (without my asking) this is not so.
My own son has told me I am why he initially went into recovery.
Yet..I fight now these feelings of failure. Acute and absolute
In keeping my brothers safe
I was successful..
In forgiving my father his addiction and establishing a loving relationship and destroying the ‘hate’ that had been there. My father is the only person in my life I’ve actively hated.
I was successful at seeing all my mothers’ fine qualities at the same time being very aware she was the one that taught me my needs were second to all.
I was successful.
In creating a happy, laughter filled home.
I have failed to keep addiction out of my home
I have failed at the one thing I wanted most of all.
I have failed.
My own son has told me (without my asking) this is not so.
My own son has told me I am why he initially went into recovery.
Yet..I fight now these feelings of failure. Acute and absolute
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by Sigh
... You mean it’s not normal when you find out that all your best efforts, have failed in creating a secure environment, have failed in the worst possible way and you find one day you son, your only son, your first born child, is addicted to heroin.
You have been succesful beyond your wildest dreams, because you did not follow in the footsteps of your biological parents. You are succesful because you are in a program and taking action to help your son, actions that your parents never took.
Don't listen to those echoes of your parents words. Those are lies and they will only hurt you and your son. Listen to the people who _really_ love you and _really_ care for you and you will see that you are the best mother any son could ever dream of having.
Mike :-)
* who is doing better at ignoring echoes *
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
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As mothers it is our job, our duty, to protect our children. I understand when a mother says she would stand between her newborn child and a hungry tiger. I don't doubt words like that.
Addiction often strikes in the teen years and slides fast forward and past the time the addicts should mature into adults. Addiction often stalls this emotional growth and as parents we end up with adult/children. I think this continues, extends our protective cycle past the normal point it should have shifted into our understanding that as adults they are quite capable to care for themselves.
Durning crisis, some of us come to the understanding that addiction is not something we can control. Unfortunately this means, when our adult/child is in the most serious crisis of their lives the most loving thing we can do is to stop protecting them.
Having to come to this what should be a natural shift between a mothers protectiveness and an understanding your child is a capable adult is extremely difficult because you doubt they are capable, it seems they constantly make such poor choices for themselves.
Yet, it remains the thing to be done. I think it triggers very very difficult emotions within the mothers, the parents. Such as feelings of failure, helplessness and a sadness that seems bottomless.
We end up having to fight for our own emotional health, our own emotional balance.
sigh
Addiction often strikes in the teen years and slides fast forward and past the time the addicts should mature into adults. Addiction often stalls this emotional growth and as parents we end up with adult/children. I think this continues, extends our protective cycle past the normal point it should have shifted into our understanding that as adults they are quite capable to care for themselves.
Durning crisis, some of us come to the understanding that addiction is not something we can control. Unfortunately this means, when our adult/child is in the most serious crisis of their lives the most loving thing we can do is to stop protecting them.
Having to come to this what should be a natural shift between a mothers protectiveness and an understanding your child is a capable adult is extremely difficult because you doubt they are capable, it seems they constantly make such poor choices for themselves.
Yet, it remains the thing to be done. I think it triggers very very difficult emotions within the mothers, the parents. Such as feelings of failure, helplessness and a sadness that seems bottomless.
We end up having to fight for our own emotional health, our own emotional balance.
sigh
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