hi alienbaby5 and welcome, sorry you are having such a rough time right now.
Just wanted to mention that there is a wealth of information on alcoholism her at SR and you might be interested in reading some of the "stickies" at the top of this forum and others. A good place to start might be here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
As they say around here, knowledge is power and perhaps reading some of these articles can help give you some clarity.