My addict boyfriend left me; looking for advice.

Old 09-14-2018, 07:17 AM
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My addict boyfriend left me; looking for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years (since October 2015). When we first got together, he had been clean and sober for almost 2 years.

Long story short, there have been relapses in our relationship. The first happened in August 2016, when he actually told me honestly he had relapsed and got kicked out of sober living. He lived with me for a little, before the drugs took a toll on our relationship as he still used. We fought, he packed up his things high one night, and left me to live at his friends. With doing that, he would not answer my texts, calls, he completely ghosted me. Of course, he could never go more than a week without somehow contacting me, saying he missed me and he was sorry, so we would wind up talking again and he eventually moved back in with me once he was clean.

This same episode hasn't happened just once. It happened again the following year in July 2017. Same thing, I found out he was using again and he left without a trace or any contact. Again... we finally winded up talking again and he moved back in.

But this time, he didn't stay clean. He winded up using pretty heavily until he finally decided to go to rehab. It was a long 30 days of barely hearing from him and not seeing him, but we were determined to make it work. He came back after those days better than ever, I felt positive about our future.... until a couple months later.

Here it is, May 2018. He had relapsed again and went to detox immediately. After a week, he was out. We had a great weekend together until Sunday night... his friend was waiting outside with a truck to move his things to his house, which was 2 hours away (the farthest he has ever gone, usually he was just a couple minutes away). He said that he couldn't bare to hurt me anymore while he got his life together. He was tired a being a dependent little boy and wanted to be a man for once in his life. He said it was not possible to become the person he needed to be for himself and for me while living and being with me. I didn't understand at first, but after a little while I started to understand why he left. As they say, you need to love yourself before you can begin to love someone else.

At first he wouldn't speak to me because I was angry and heartbroken, but after time (as it always goes), he would text me saying how much he missed me and that he was sorry. We always had the goal that he would come back to me, because we want to be together, but could not give me a timeline. He didn't know if it would take days, weeks, months, even a year to become the person he needed to be. In the back of my head, I was hoping that if he wanted to be back with me so badly, he would do anything he could as fast as he could to achieve that... I guess I was wrong.

We have some contact here and there, sometimes it is positive, saying we will be together again, other times it is negative and we cannot stop getting emotional. He keeps saying I deserve better and he wants to be with me again but doesn't want to hurt me again -- that he lost the one person he loved most in this world, his soulmate, and there wasn't enough apologies in the world for everything he has done these last 3 years.

I found out recently he made a Tinder while living up at his friends and met up with a girl. He winded up sleeping with this girl and I found out. I was devastated. He kept saying I was his soulmate and how much he loved me, how could he do this to me? He told me he started drinking on the weekends, but it was no excuse for what he had done. He said it meant nothing, there is a difference between sex and making love, and that she was not even pretty (not to be rude, but I am 5'3" @ 120lbs and 28 years old -- this girl is 21 years old, about 5'1" @ 200lbs -- completely opposite of me). When asking why it he did it, why it happened, he said that I would probably not understand male instinct to have sex, that since he was an addict, it wasn't just drugs he was addicted to. He was addicted to everything; cigarettes, coffee, sex, and has to have everything in excess. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life, he will now have to sit on this guilt and embarrassment forever.

He believes there is no coming back from this -- that after what he is done that there is no way to salvage anything we once had. He tells me I need to let go of him because he is bad for me..... that I deserve to be happy and he isn't making me happy anymore..... But if only it were that easy... I love the guy with all of my heart and soul. I feel so lost and depressed lately and I hate how I feel. I keep feeling this is the end between us, even though I don't want it to be.

Although he keeps telling me to move on, he won't block my number (I have asked repeatedly, since I cannot do it myself, in order to move on) and still has me added on snapchat (again, something I told him to block me on but he won't).

I know they say if something is meant to be, let it go and if it really was yours, it will come back. I am just scared he feels so low about himself, so insecure, he won't even allow himself to come back to me. I know he still needs A LOT of time to work on himself, but am I that crazy to say I would wait for him?
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Old 09-14-2018, 10:06 AM
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Endings are very hard and I see the hurt and pain you are in and I am sorry for that, it stinks. I think you need to believe him when he says there is no coming back from this, that you need to let him go and that you deserve happiness, something he cannot provide to you. He’s being honest with you about all his addiction’s but he’s not ready to give any of them up, maybe he never will.

You ask if you should wait for him, wait for what from him exactly? This guy is doing nothing at all towards any kind of recovery for himself.

You want to build this happily ever after life with him except his actions are saying something totally different that he wants for his own life. Maybe his words lead you to believe something else but his actions are those of an active addict doing what addicts do.

The pain of letting go is far less than the ongoing pain of trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held.
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Old 09-14-2018, 10:26 AM
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Thank you for your advice. I completely understand what you are saying. I do deserve happiness and unfortunately he is not in a place in his life right now where he can be the man I need him to be.

I just do not understand why if he is telling me to let go, he is not letting go himself. He refuses to block me, says he cannot do such a thing. He always somehow tends to contact me after time goes by -- I assume after he dwells in his feelings and starts remembering the good times we shared together. He says that no one will ever replace me and he will never feel the happiness he had with me ever again. He says he will never be content again in life, losing the one person that was always there for him. These actions lead me to believe there is some hope for us in the future, unfortunately.

I have stopped trying to contact him, I finally removed him as a friend from snapchat, to refrain from seeing him post anything or seeing my posts. I am doing my best to try to move on, but my heart is not allowing me to do so.

I guess I just really wanted to believe that if we are "soulmates" and meant to be, that things would work out eventually.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:06 AM
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He told you that you deserve better—and he was right. You do deserve better.

You are so young and have so much of your life ahead of you—so many chances and possibilities. Why not make the most of all of those possibilities rather than wait around for someone who is trolling Tinder because “he’s an addict and addicted to everything.” (That’s an excuse by the way). It doesn’t really matter who he had sex with, or what she looks like, he has moved on to having sex with other people and I think what’s key here is “moved on” and it was his choice to get on Tinder.

There are so many of us on here, a lot older than you are, who have invested our lives with someone who has addiction. I would personally love to have back the years I gave someone who treated me so poorly, and I know that will never happen. Yes, it hurts how he acted and what he did to me and I lived (subjective term) through breaking trauma bonds, although I admittedly still struggle with why he did what he did to me, and I understand the hurt and the betrayal. And I agree with your ex, you deserve better.

Ultimately it’s your choice whether you move on with your life or you wait for “something” that may or may not happen. I know what I would want you to do if you were my daughter or sister; I would want you spared the hurt that I have been through.

I wish you all the best as you make your decision.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:07 AM
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I am so sorry for all that you are going through.

He isn't going to block you. Addicts are selfish and somewhere in the back of his mind I'm sure he's certain he may need or want something from you later.

Please block him. Please save yourself. I promise you'll get through this.

You could always look at it this way...blocking him really isn't permanent. If you REALLY wanted to, you could unblock him later.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:28 AM
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Thank you for giving me some hindsight on why he would not be blocking me. You are very right.... he is a very selfish person and he even admits that himself.

Part of me believes he doesn't want me to let go (because he has said this a couple times before and after a week of me not contacting him, he would text me "are you really moving on?"), but says it because he thinks that is what is best for me; he knows he cannot provide me what I want in a relationship right now.

One of the last things he said to me was that he could never ask me to wait for him, because if anything, this sexual act with another girl opened his eyes that he still has a lot of work and inside searching to take care of. He kept asking me why he always ruins good things and ***** them up. I know it has a lot to do with losing his mother as a child and his best friend as a teenager.

I just want to believe something good could potentially come from this. That maybe this was his final wake up call to get his act straight.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:55 AM
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hi alienbaby5 and welcome, sorry you are having such a rough time right now.

Just wanted to mention that there is a wealth of information on alcoholism her at SR and you might be interested in reading some of the "stickies" at the top of this forum and others. A good place to start might be here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

As they say around here, knowledge is power and perhaps reading some of these articles can help give you some clarity.
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:07 PM
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He says he will never be content again in life, losing the one person that was always there for him. These actions lead me to believe there is some hope for us in the future, unfortunately.
Those aren’t actions, those are just words, two very different things.

Part of me believes he doesn't want me to let go (because he has said this a couple times before and after a week of me not contacting him, he would text me "are you really moving on?"),
Not to diminish how he may have felt about you at one time and what the two of you shared, active addicts tend to reduce everyone in their life to being a resource. He keeps you hooked with his words, maybe in case where he is at today all falls apart and he needs a soft landing like he did when he was kicked out of sober living. He's thrown all kinds of unacceptable behavior at you yet you keep wanting to hold on.

I just want to believe something good could potentially come from this. That maybe this was his final wake up call to get his act straight.
I wouldn’t count on that. What we see and feel could and should be their rock bottom is just the addict in typical addict behavior. You’d be surprised how many hit a bottom only to pick up a shovel and keep on digging.

It's very hard letting go believe me I know, been there done that but it really is the only healthy thing we can do for ourselves.
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:17 PM
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Hi.

Heart goes out to you, it's an extremely hard thing you are trying to cope with

Addict I was involved with asked to detach from me 2 months ago tomorrow. Hardest thing I've ever done and am still doing. Today for example I just want to hear from him. I wonder will it ever get better. Doing some work on myself which helps.

Best of luck and I hope things work out for the highest good for all involved.
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:22 PM
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Thank you @atalose.

I really do appreciate everything you are saying. You are completely right, those are just words and not actions. I just thought if he had enough courage to say those things, that he actually meant them, ya know?

I would hate to think of myself as just a resource to him, especially after 3 years. They were some of the best years of my life, regardless of the relapses and hard times, when he was around he really did show me so much love, more than anyone I had ever been with.

I just really thought this time that he was serious about getting clean, in order to better himself and better our relationship.... but, after 4 months and only seeing eachother once, I guess I have to take everything at face value for once. It is just so hard. I never imagined letting go of him, ever, I can't even begin to think of letting someone else in my life; We had all these plans for us and I just hate thinking of all the broken promises that were made.

I hope as time goes on, I can become stronger. Today is only day 1 of the rest of my life I suppose.
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:26 PM
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@Glenjo99

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I would never wish this upon anyone... so I myself feel for you as well.

You are a lot stronger than me.... I wish I could say I have 2 months under my belt of no contact. He left exactly 4 months ago yesterday and I still feel as if it is day 1 after he left. Once I found out about the other girl, I lost myself even more... the 4 months I spent working on myself just crumbled.

Sending you positive vibes for your situation <3
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by alienbaby5 View Post
@Glenjo99

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I would never wish this upon anyone... so I myself feel for you as well.

You are a lot stronger than me.... I wish I could say I have 2 months under my belt of no contact. He left exactly 4 months ago yesterday and I still feel as if it is day 1 after he left. Once I found out about the other girl, I lost myself even more... the 4 months I spent working on myself just crumbled.

Sending you positive vibes for your situation <3
I hear that. Hurt after pain after hurt after pain. It's a pain that no one can describe unless you go through it.
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Old 09-15-2018, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Not to diminish how he may have felt about you at one time and what the two of you shared, active addicts tend to reduce everyone in their life to being a resource. He keeps you hooked with his words, maybe in case where he is at today all falls apart and he needs a soft landing like he did when he was kicked out of sober living. He's thrown all kinds of unacceptable behavior at you yet you keep wanting to hold on.
Quoted for truth. This is one of those things in life that really sucks that it’s true, kind of like calories= consequences :/. But yeah, someone active in their addiction who is a mess, and isn’t stable enough to have their own basic needs met, is pretty much scrambling and going around doing damage control, networking / looking for resources.

But at the end of the day, it’s the actions of the person that really matter. Words get old, if they meant anything, the person on the receiving end of the actual behaviors probably wouldn’t feel so horrible. It’s imprtant to pay attention to how a person makes you feel. When dealing with an addict, the occasional highs that are felt rarely make up for the horrible lows, it’s such an awful state to be in .
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Old 09-15-2018, 10:33 AM
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I am sure he loved you to the best of his ability but addiction gets in the way of that. It diminishes his ability to truly love anyone or anything except the drugs. Sadly his addiction has nothing at all to do with you. You’ve become a casualty of it. And none of us ever wanted to feel like a resource yet the longer we hold on that’s what we become.
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Old 09-15-2018, 12:53 PM
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Dear alienbaby

Sorry you are hurting

He told you who he is.

He is just out there chasing the next high, the easier the better. Addicts are not very picky.....

As for feeling like three years were the best - I can relate, I miss XAH good sides - he could be extremely attentive, make me breakfast in bed. And punch holes in the walls the same night and drag me around by the hair.

Intermittent reinforcement is the worst - “making up” feels so nice, and all the drama is quite engaging.

You can choose to exit out of it now.

Good luck!
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:02 AM
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Thank you to everyone for all your responses.

Unfortunately I failed miserably this weekend -- attempted to contact my ex a couple of times -- of course, no response from him.

Wishing I could just have closure, but I guess sometimes we don't always get to have that.

Hoping to have a better week ahead of me; hoping to start healing one day or another. I have never reached out to forums before in regards to everything I have been dealing with these last 3 years, so this is my first time. I guess I always felt things would work out in the past... but this time feels different and stings a little more. He has never been gone this long and another woman has never been an issue in the past (although we aren't together and it isn't technically cheating, it still hurts that he couldn't wait for me, even though I have been waiting for him -- you'd think if you already had the "best", you wouldn't go looking for anything else).



Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
Dear alienbaby

Sorry you are hurting

He told you who he is.

He is just out there chasing the next high, the easier the better. Addicts are not very picky.....

As for feeling like three years were the best - I can relate, I miss XAH good sides - he could be extremely attentive, make me breakfast in bed. And punch holes in the walls the same night and drag me around by the hair.

Intermittent reinforcement is the worst - “making up” feels so nice, and all the drama is quite engaging.

You can choose to exit out of it now.

Good luck!
Thank you @nata1980 for your words. I keep on thinking about all the good times we had, and I know a lot of people say that the good times never outweigh the bad, but in our relationship it did. Other than the relapses, we almost never fought, we just enjoyed each other. He has never ever been physically abusive to me, but the emotional abuse probably hurts just as bad, if not worse.

It helped to hear you say that "addicts aren't picky....". I'm not sure if you meant it in the way I am perceiving it, but I have been looking for justification as to why he would go about having physical relations with another girl, when he claims I was everything he ever wanted. Another girl was always the farthest thing from my mind... now it is all I keep thinking about. I just keep wondering why he could move on so quickly from me.
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by alienbaby5 View Post
He kept asking me why he always ruins good things and ***** them up. I know it has a lot to do with losing his mother as a child and his best friend as a teenager.
I am willing to bet there are many people who've been through this and worse who have NOT chosen to handle it w/alcohol and/or drugs, who have NOT gone through their life hurting and lying to and manipulating others. In fact, I am certain of that. Sometimes people who've been through the worst times are also those who are the most compassionate and wise. It all depends on how the individual responds. Trauma and stress can make a diamond or a lump of coal.

Have you heard the saying about how "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it"? It's true, as far as I can see. He has choices. We ALL have choices.

Wishing I could just have closure, but I guess sometimes we don't always get to have that.
Contrary to what a lot of people think, closure, like forgiveness, is something we give OURSELVES. It does NOT come from an outside source, and we are dependent on no one else to receive it. Like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, we have had the power all along...

It's hard. I know it's hard. But looking to the one who hurt you to also be the one who heals you/forgives you/offers you closure is not the path to peace and happiness. Others don't hold this power over you--it is all yours, and always was.
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Old 09-17-2018, 10:05 AM
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Here's a quick link to an article about how the choice one makes in responding to a given situation makes all the difference in the world: https://medium.com/@debsofield/its-n...s-73808376ee0c
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Old 09-17-2018, 10:52 AM
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Wishing I could just have closure, but I guess sometimes we don't always get to have that.
Closure happens right after you ACCEPT that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

Usually when one person is holding out for closure after someone else has broken up with them, it’s because they are still trying to hold onto the relationship.

Unfortunately I failed miserably this weekend -- attempted to contact my ex a couple of times -- of course, no response from him.
This is when you hear the saying – let go or be dragged. Don’t keep hurting and disappointing yourself.

You can’t look to the person who hurt you in the first place and expect them to heal you and make you feel better, that’s not going to happen.

It stinks, I know and it hurts but the longer we prolong that hurt, keep that hurt alive we cannot heal.
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Old 09-18-2018, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Closure happens right after you ACCEPT that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

Usually when one person is holding out for closure after someone else has broken up with them, it’s because they are still trying to hold onto the relationship.
After reading this a million times over... you're right. For now, there is still that part of me holding onto hope -- that things could maybe work out after time (like I've said before, I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will be, and at the right time).



Originally Posted by atalose View Post
This is when you hear the saying – let go or be dragged. Don’t keep hurting and disappointing yourself.

You can’t look to the person who hurt you in the first place and expect them to heal you and make you feel better, that’s not going to happen.

It stinks, I know and it hurts but the longer we prolong that hurt, keep that hurt alive we cannot heal.
I haven't contacted him since Sunday; I know that is only a little over 24 hours, but it is a big improvement for me.

I am slowly beginning to realize, all my attempts to contact him are doing nothing for me. I already know he won't respond, so I am not quite sure why I keep trying... I am not sure if it makes me feel better that I have tried or what, but some small sense of peace comes over me once I have an episode and get what I want to say to him off my chest.

Doing the best I can to try and let go of him, but I only wish it were that easy. I constantly think about him, his health, if anything bad were to happen that I would not even know... that is what kills me the most. 4 months of plans and goals to get better, for us to be better, only to be shattered in a single day, in a matter of hours.

I constantly ask myself "why?".....
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