Hi Sheryl B.
Your story is so much like mine, it's amazing. Here is a link to a thread I started.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-grieving.html
Atalose suggested that I look closely at the word, blame:
Bla bla bla ME.
He's probably quacking, though it might not be apparent right now. He might be dry. He might do it for a long time. You wouldn't know, because he's not living with you. He might even be saying, "I'm not drinking, " meaning, "I'm only drinking 2 beers a night." My ex told me that he needed to be single in order to get sober, because he needed "to become the person I was meant to become, " and, "All relationships are oppressive right now." He kept drinking and a month later he got arrested while drunk. Now a condition of his probation is not to drink, but I don't think a court order is a cure. Only time will tell.
You know what? Healthy people are not oppressed by relationships. Healthy people recognize the things that others do for them and healthy people sustain their relationships with honesty and self examination.
I like what dandylion said about you continuing to work on your own recovery.
Also, I really noticed how graceful you were in your response. It may be lost on him, but it's not lost on me. I wish I could have been able to be that graceful with my X.