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Confused and grieving

Old 09-20-2013, 05:43 AM
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Confused and grieving

Hi Everyone,

Not a lot has changed since my last post (Dumped by my alcoholic), but I am still struggling with the same doubts.

I just dropped my son off with my ex. My ex appears to be in a dry phase, but I have seen him do this many times, usually for no more than a month. He blames his addiction on the fact that he was in relationships with me and his ex-wife.

When he broke up with me he told me, "I need to find myself." Since the breakup (almost 2 months ago) he has drank again. He was even arrested a month ago for trespassing in someone's yard and he says he doesn't know why he was there. He had been drinking that night and a friend of mine said he took a Klonopin that night too.

I have been told many times by many people that if he is not in a program or getting professional help that he is a) not going to stay sober and b) not going to stop being angry and having all of his alcoholic symptoms. I need to keep hearing this, because every time he does dry out on his own, I think that he must really be doing it.

I am in so much pain. It really hurts to think that he COULD do this on his own and that our relationship and I AM to blame. I know I didn't cause it. I know I can't cure or control it. I know I contributed to it and that I have to forgive myself for not knowing how I was doing that.

What are the chances that he will stay sober without a program? What are the chances that it really is relationships that keep him in his addiction and that without our relationship he will stay sober?

I am grieving so hard. I miss my old boyfriend who loved me so much. There is an imposter wearing his face and skin. I have to send my son to this creep every time I go to work. I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen to my son. My ex is good with him when he's sober, but not when he's drinking. His drinking is unpredictable though.

Recently my ex said that he did love me before, but that he has changed. The more I think about it, the more I think he stayed the same and I changed. He just wants to be free like he always was. He wants to keep going to shows like we always did. I always felt like his drinking was an escape from me, but why did he seek me out in the first place? Why did he show me so much love initially if he didn't want to be in a relationship? I am the one who changed though. I had our baby and I wanted to be home with him. I would have liked to go out now and then, but my baby is more important. I think my ex might even be jealous of my relationship with my son underneath all of this. My ex even admitted that he stopped seeing me as a sexual being for awhile when I became the mother of his child. Ow! I have always been afraid of that.

I have always been afraid of all of what's happening in my life: rejection, abandonment, not being found attractive, single parenthood, potentially subjecting my child to an abuser.

The thing is that I feel like it's so unfair and wrong that we're apart. I just can't believe that he can't see what I see. Yes, I questioned this relationship 2 years in (we together for 7), because I felt disrespected and like I couldn't trust him. That has only gotten worse, but the underlying love is still there. I can't believe that he isn't more willing to try for our son's sake. I can't believe that he isn't reminded all day every day of the good times that we had and could still have. So many songs and inside jokes and fun things we used to do.

He blamed me for so much during our relationship, but since the breakup has backed off. Still, I hear the old tapes playing in my head and I feel like he is still blaming me for everything. I am trying not to blame myself for his ditching me.

I am so sick from this disease and I am hurting so bad. If he stays sober just because he's single, I will have a hard time not taking that personally.


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Old 09-20-2013, 05:46 AM
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Haha. I just read my initial thread and it is almost exactly the same. That tells us how much help I need getting this sorted out in my mind.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:28 AM
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What are the chances that he will stay sober without a program? What are the chances that it really is relationships that keep him in his addiction and that without our relationship he will stay sober?
Zero to none. He may show a temporary improvement due to being able to hide it better with you not there 24/7, or a reduced stress in his life (from not having to hide, or deal with a relationship) but this is a progressive disease. They don't spontaneously get better.

I always felt like his drinking was an escape from me, but why did he seek me out in the first place? Why did he show me so much love initially if he didn't want to be in a relationship?
No, his drinking was an escape from himself. Drunks will tell you they're coping with other people, but the reality is, they can't face who they are and who they have become. Every human being craves affection; the addict doesn't know how to maintain a healthy relationship, and when things get tough (as they do in EVERY relationship, regardless of addiction) they don't know how to cope with it. My addict never learned how to cope with the stresses of life, so he seeks out mind-altering substances so he doesn't have to.

If he seems sober, I guarantee you it's because of something you're not seeing. Likely that he's hiding it better, or you're not as good at picking up on the signs when you're not around him all the time. And even if he really is dry, I guarantee you, the next bump in the road, it will come back. He hasn't changed, he hasn't learned how to deal with it, and he will return to old habits. They always do. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Even the oldtimers in AA (the ones who have been sober 20+ years) know this, and will tell you they are alcoholics still.

You can't control him. His addiction isn't about you. It has everything to do with his messed up head, and NOTHING to do with you.

You need to focus on you right now. Have you been going to Al Anon?
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:38 AM
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LightInside, I don't have as much time to reply as I would like to have, but I want to tell you that NOTHING YOU DID, NOTHING YOU ARE, NOTHING YOU USED TO BE, is causing him to drink. NOTHING. Please understand that. He drinks b/c he is an alcoholic, pure and simple. And IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please stop dissecting every single thing about how you have changed and the relationship has changed and how that caused him to drink. Normal, healthy people in normal, healthy relationships DO change. They DO grow. It would be so abnormal for someone to not think, believe and act differently at 45 with 2 grown kids than at 21, single and not an obligation in the world.

My A slapped me w/that same thing: "When we met, you were a lot of fun, we did this and that, and then somewhere along the line you turned into a goody 2-shoes." Now that set me back a bit, as I certainly would never have characterized myself as a goody 2-shoes, then OR now! But what I realized was that I no longer was his drinking pal. Over the years I quit smoking, cut waaay back on my drinking, began to pay attention to eating better and exercising, went back to school to get a decent job, focused on paying off ALL our bills, including house and car payments--all that sort of "boring and responsible" stuff that people do as they get older and start to realize they need to take charge of their life. So we are here, totally debt free, and he is telling me that he drinks b/c I am a "goody 2-shoes"? Drink away--if your "freedom" is in a bottle, mine is in being healthy, strong and financially stable.

Again, he can come up with reasons for his drinking till the cows come home, and doubtless they will all involve forces outside himself--but as I have heard said many times, if YOU could make him drink, then couldn't YOU make him stop, too?

Gotta go, but hope this was of some use to you. I think you'll hear a lot of similar stories. Don't write yourself off as a boring person, cramping the style of the "free" alcoholic, cuz it is simply NOT TRUE!
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:39 AM
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LightInside-

I was in a similar situation (and feeling similar) when I first split from my alcoholic.

A thing that helped explain to me the brain chemistry/feelings of what I was going through was a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

I had a lot of other things to work on, but this reading was a huge step for me in healing. I just FELT so yucky that honestly I was not realistically seeing the impact of the alcohol (or the person who consumed it) on me.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:58 AM
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Once you've been pickled, you can't go back to being a cucumber, that's for sure!

Maybe he will stay sober, maybe not. Probably not.

ACTIONS TELL THE TRUTH.

One of the things I've learned about myself is that many times do I not only not know the answers, I'm not even asking the right questions.

One of the things I've noticed in my own recovery is that the healthier I get, the healthier the people are that are attracted to me and that I am attracted to.

STEP ONE - "We admitted we were powerless over other people, and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I've had to learn and re-learn to focus on myself, to change myself, to heal myself, to rescue myself, to love myself -- for myself.

I've had to learn and accept that it isn't my fault my dad was a drunk, or that my kid's mother is simply nuts.

I've had to accept, not just admit, but accept I can't change her and by reading about the steps, about co-dependency, I've been cleaning up the mess and finding peace of mind, hope, excitement about living and I like myself more in a good way.

The pain has gone away as I've healed - the purpose of pain is to tell me something needs to heal, no?

With their mother, she knows if she doesn't keep taking her meds and going to therapy, I'll take the kids away from her until she gets stable again. I have to do that for my kids.

Moving the focus of my eye off of "them" and on to "me" has set me free!

How does one become a butterfly? You have to want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar!


H.U.G.S.!! (Hoping U Get Serenity!)
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:00 AM
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In alanon I learned that having compassion for yourself comes before you can have compassion for others.

It does seem terribly unfair to have alcohol take away someone you love and to be blamed for all that and even more unfair if we think that person was really never there right from the start and that we're not sure why this person sought us out. These are only thoughts in our minds and we can let them go and love ourselves and put our minds elsewhere to the good in us and in our lives.

I am sorry for your pain LI. Take care of yourself and your son. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:45 AM
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What are the chances that he will stay sober without a program?
Zero to none

What are the chances that it really is relationships that keep him in his addiction and that without our relationship he will stay sober
It's not about any relationship with others he has never was and never will be......it's about the lack of relaitonship he has with self.

This was never about you and it will never be about you. It was never about his ex-wife and it will never be about her either.



He was a drunk when you met and fell in love with him, he remained a drunk through out your relationship and he probably always will be if he continues to blame others for HIS lack of character and humility.

If you look closely at the word BLAME……bla….bla…..bla….me

HIM: Quack, quack, quack….it’s all about me …….and I don’t want to take responsibility for my own choices so let me blame the innocent victims in my life and lay that on them cause I know they’ll hold onto it for me.

Keep going to al-anon, keep reading as much as you can about addiction and what addicts do.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
He was a drunk when you met and fell in love with him, he remained a drunk through out your relationship and he probably always will be if he continues to blame others for HIS lack of character and humility.

If you look closely at the word BLAME……bla….bla…..bla….me

HIM: Quack, quack, quack….it’s all about me …….and I don’t want to take responsibility for my own choices so let me blame the innocent victims in my life and lay that on them cause I know they’ll hold onto it for me.
Love this ^^^ and so true ^^^ so why in the world are you believing the crap coming out of his mouth? He is under the influence of a mind-altering substance. Your reality and his are not the same. And the last thing he can be right now is rational.

Go take care of your kiddo, be a great Mom, and let this guy sort his issues out himself.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
BLAME……bla….bla…..bla….me
Thanks for this....
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:21 AM
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Yep. I've been going to Al Anon. At least 2 meetings a week. Trying to do 3. Last week I went to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting too. Not sure if I belong there or if I'm just going through normal grief.I've been seeing my sponsor once a week for the last couple of months too. Seeing my ex tends to make me crazy, even when he acts completely "normal."

Like I said, I can't hear it enough that this isn't about me, but his disease. I was going crazy when I wrote my post this morning. You guys helped bring me back. Thank you, Life Recovery for the book suggestion. I can't read enough self help right now. I like that butterfly quote, Johnny.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:25 AM
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Also pick up The Language of Letting Go, a daily reader by Melody Beattie.

I still read mine, and its been a couple years, but the reminders are so helpful.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:32 AM
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I can't hear it enough that this isn't about me, but his disease.
His drinking is NOT about you!!

What you do own is.....why you stayed for as long as you did and what benefits did you receive from it? Why you don't think you deserve more and why your thinking lies with "him possible getting sober without you", what does that mean and why does that impact you so much?

See, you have all these why's about yourself to focus on now and you can't do that very well if all that thinking is tied to him and his issues.
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Old 09-20-2013, 09:26 AM
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Haha. Thank you for the quacking comment, Atalose. I have a selective memory about the relationship. My ex REALLY knows how to quack - sober or drunk. Thanks for reminding me.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
A thing that helped explain to me the brain chemistry/feelings of what I was going through was a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
I looked up this book; it looks like it might be very helpful. I just ordered it. Thanks for the recommendation.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:18 PM
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Are you going to Alanon?





Originally Posted by LightInside View Post
Hi Everyone,

Not a lot has changed since my last post (Dumped by my alcoholic), but I am still struggling with the same doubts.

I just dropped my son off with my ex. My ex appears to be in a dry phase, but I have seen him do this many times, usually for no more than a month. He blames his addiction on the fact that he was in relationships with me and his ex-wife.

When he broke up with me he told me, "I need to find myself." Since the breakup (almost 2 months ago) he has drank again. He was even arrested a month ago for trespassing in someone's yard and he says he doesn't know why he was there. He had been drinking that night and a friend of mine said he took a Klonopin that night too.

I have been told many times by many people that if he is not in a program or getting professional help that he is a) not going to stay sober and b) not going to stop being angry and having all of his alcoholic symptoms. I need to keep hearing this, because every time he does dry out on his own, I think that he must really be doing it.

I am in so much pain. It really hurts to think that he COULD do this on his own and that our relationship and I AM to blame. I know I didn't cause it. I know I can't cure or control it. I know I contributed to it and that I have to forgive myself for not knowing how I was doing that.

What are the chances that he will stay sober without a program? What are the chances that it really is relationships that keep him in his addiction and that without our relationship he will stay sober?

I am grieving so hard. I miss my old boyfriend who loved me so much. There is an imposter wearing his face and skin. I have to send my son to this creep every time I go to work. I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen to my son. My ex is good with him when he's sober, but not when he's drinking. His drinking is unpredictable though.

Recently my ex said that he did love me before, but that he has changed. The more I think about it, the more I think he stayed the same and I changed. He just wants to be free like he always was. He wants to keep going to shows like we always did. I always felt like his drinking was an escape from me, but why did he seek me out in the first place? Why did he show me so much love initially if he didn't want to be in a relationship? I am the one who changed though. I had our baby and I wanted to be home with him. I would have liked to go out now and then, but my baby is more important. I think my ex might even be jealous of my relationship with my son underneath all of this. My ex even admitted that he stopped seeing me as a sexual being for awhile when I became the mother of his child. Ow! I have always been afraid of that.

I have always been afraid of all of what's happening in my life: rejection, abandonment, not being found attractive, single parenthood, potentially subjecting my child to an abuser.

The thing is that I feel like it's so unfair and wrong that we're apart. I just can't believe that he can't see what I see. Yes, I questioned this relationship 2 years in (we together for 7), because I felt disrespected and like I couldn't trust him. That has only gotten worse, but the underlying love is still there. I can't believe that he isn't more willing to try for our son's sake. I can't believe that he isn't reminded all day every day of the good times that we had and could still have. So many songs and inside jokes and fun things we used to do.

He blamed me for so much during our relationship, but since the breakup has backed off. Still, I hear the old tapes playing in my head and I feel like he is still blaming me for everything. I am trying not to blame myself for his ditching me.

I am so sick from this disease and I am hurting so bad. If he stays sober just because he's single, I will have a hard time not taking that personally.


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Old 09-20-2013, 01:37 PM
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As Louise said to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for". I don't know you but I'm sure you deserve better than an abusive drunk. I hope you go to Alanon because it can be a huge help in accepting that a relationship is over and letting go of the past.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:59 PM
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You're going to hear alot of crap coming from him. Remember this: Just because he says it....doesn't make it true!!! YOU know the truth, his foggy perception and blaming doesn't matter at the end of the day. There is a HUGE difference between not drinking and real recovery. He doesn't sound like he's anywhere near recovery, he's just a dry drunk right now. That never lasts.

Move on to the future that's waiting for you and your child. Don't worry about what this guy thinks.
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Old 09-20-2013, 03:20 PM
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Whats the difference between an active alcoholic and a terrorist?

Sometimes you can negotiate with a terrorist!
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Old 09-20-2013, 03:31 PM
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Just wanted to say that I can totally empathise with that feeling of "will they get sober without me?". That used to scare me. I used to hate the idea of him doing it because I thought it would prove to everyone that he was right, that it was me that caused his drinking. If he is what you say he is then id say its unlikely hes going to skip off into soberville and live an amazingly happy life because he's no longer with you.
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