My AH truly believes he's not an A now that he left

Old 11-23-2013, 03:17 PM
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My AH truly believes he's not an A now that he left

Hey, lovely people suffering like me! I just wanted to update you on the latest situation with me. I emailed my AH, who left me over 2 weeks ago with no explanation, because I was looking for closure and asking straight up if he left to get divorced. He finally had the courage to say yes and that was just the closure I needed to retain my attorney. The whole email sucked because he was pompous and uncaring; However, this part of his email response floored me and although I'm trying not to let it bother me, I've been obsessing about it constantly. Be warned: it's really going to **** some of you off!

"As for me, I had to leave. I haven't been drinking since I left! That was huge for me, but you never even responded to that! You only call me an alcoholic. Anyway, I have now realized I am not an alcoholic and that my drinking was an escape from a bad relationship. I now have been spending time with family and am enjoying it. I never had that in **. I am getting closer to my kids and my new grandson."

So I wrote back "Thank you very much for your response. Obviously I could go on and on about things I disagree with, but there's no need to do that now because you and I will always disagree as you said, especially on the drinking and what caused you to drink. I'm okay with it, though. If you are doing well by believing that I am the cause of all your problems, I can live with that. I just hope one day you will come to terms with the real reasons why you drank because you drank heavily the day I met you. No one can cause you to drink. Our relationship was certainly a stressor to you, but the issues that caused you to drink are deep within you. Again, I'm happy for you that you're not drinking. That's awesome and I hope it continues, especially when you're around ****.

Anyway, it just shocked me that someone who drank 12+ beers a day every day can say he's not an alcoholic. I honestly don't believe it would be that easy to stop. He used to have trembling hands in the morning. Can anyone tell me if this is truly possible? As hard as I try, I can't help but wonder if the jerk really could do this in such a short period of time. Let me know if any of you have experience with this.
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Old 11-23-2013, 03:24 PM
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OMG, he is full of doo.

You have no verification that he has stopped drinking. He can email you anything he wants.

He had shaking hands when he left. That is a sign of a serious drinking problem. He didn't stop.

Sue
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Old 11-23-2013, 03:25 PM
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Remember the 3 C's....

You didn't cause it.

You can't control it.

You can't cure it.

Sue
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Old 11-23-2013, 03:31 PM
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Sheryl, it might be possible--if he got a prescription for a benzo type drug from a doctor--and is "whiteknuckling" it. Typically, this won't last for a very long time--esp. if he is in such deep denial and is not attending a program.

I say--give it enough time--and more of the Story will be revealed". This sounds like typical behavior--to project blame on an outside source. Anyone who has tried to get between the alcoholic and their liquor is viewed as the enemy.

This should not change your strategies for yourself. I say, proceed ahead with your own program and attend to your best welfare.

dandylion
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Old 11-23-2013, 04:01 PM
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"I wasn't drinking because I was an alcoholic, I was drinking because of YOU"

Typical response from an alcoholic. Don't be manipulated by him - he's just trying to get you one last time, even as the door hits him in the rear on the way out. As others have said, it's a bunch of BS.

You should start working on yourself now, and stop reading those e-mails. Trash 'em, or put them away in a divorce file or whatever. You should start moving on, if you can. This means starting to focus on yourself, and your own happiness, not his. Good luck.
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Old 11-23-2013, 04:10 PM
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Quack Quack Quack

I wouldn't respond again. What difference does it make what he thinks?
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:11 PM
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Major Quack. It's a rare alcoholic who can acknowledge their choices while still drinking and even many months into sobriety. Quotes of my EXAB:

On my anger over his months of lying about drinking. "Well, it wasn't like I killed anybody or beat you."

On my questioning of his nightly drinking of vodka, "I only have two drinks!" That was true, He poured the vodka into a coffee mug to the brim and than he secretly drank later.

His last comment made to me (via email) "This relationship is too serious"

And so many more top ten awesome comments. Quacking indeed. Don't let it get to you. You know what you know.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:21 PM
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Hi Sheryl B.

Your story is so much like mine, it's amazing. Here is a link to a thread I started.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-grieving.html
Atalose suggested that I look closely at the word, blame:
Bla bla bla ME.
He's probably quacking, though it might not be apparent right now. He might be dry. He might do it for a long time. You wouldn't know, because he's not living with you. He might even be saying, "I'm not drinking, " meaning, "I'm only drinking 2 beers a night." My ex told me that he needed to be single in order to get sober, because he needed "to become the person I was meant to become, " and, "All relationships are oppressive right now." He kept drinking and a month later he got arrested while drunk. Now a condition of his probation is not to drink, but I don't think a court order is a cure. Only time will tell.

You know what? Healthy people are not oppressed by relationships. Healthy people recognize the things that others do for them and healthy people sustain their relationships with honesty and self examination.
I like what dandylion said about you continuing to work on your own recovery.

Also, I really noticed how graceful you were in your response. It may be lost on him, but it's not lost on me. I wish I could have been able to be that graceful with my X.
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Old 11-24-2013, 01:48 AM
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P.S. Healthy people don't move far away from their children. Just to be perfectly clear, I believe this is my judgment and that there are probably exceptions to it.
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Old 11-24-2013, 05:48 AM
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That's like a bleach blonde trying to convince a guy that the drapes match the carpet... until she lets him in the front door and WHOA IS ME!
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Old 11-24-2013, 06:25 AM
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Don't accept his blame! Don't wrap it around your heart or keep it in your thoughts.

It may have been a shock to hear him blame you when in fact you know the truth, and a part of you is buying into it and sort of believing him. You don't know he didn't stop drinking and it's really a pointless debate now isn't it. Whether he is or not has nothing at all to do with you and that is what you need to wrap your mind around.
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Old 11-24-2013, 10:25 AM
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My xAH said the same and still does (that he drank ONLY when with me as coping mechanism) but when pressed by the co parenting counselor we have to see together, he admitted he began drinking excessively in college and she then smugly asked him if he knew me in college (which he did not).

In my estimation, someone who needs to profess loudly how they aren't an alcoholic is someone who is guilty of protesting a bit too hard...

Your AH is as full of it as mine. The same man who has claimed he was sober each time we separated, is the same person who I found had a flask hidden under our daughters car seat.

Your AH is no more sober than my xAH is. He wants you to take the bait and debate it with him. Just ignore it altogether. Don't feed into his craziness. He wants you to feel it is and was all you and that now that you're apart he is fine. It's total and utter BS.

People who don't have drinking problems don't go around debating whether they are an alcoholic. Only alcoholics do that.
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Old 11-24-2013, 10:26 AM
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Mine tells me its my fault he drinks too. Bla bla quack. Dont listen to his crap
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Old 11-24-2013, 11:14 AM
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It's not the amount of booze one drinks that determines if you are alcoholic or not. It's unlikely but possible that he isn't an alcoholic drinking a 12pack of beer. I once knew a construction worker that drank close to that and he had no trouble stopping once his Dr. warned him about some troubling blood work.
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Old 11-24-2013, 11:25 AM
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I chuckled a bit. He probably still drinks or pops pills. Funny though how it is everyone else but them. I loved how My ah Would walk around and told everyone INCLUDING his Mother that he drank because of me despite saying the exact same thing about HER. To my amusement she forgot that he ever blamed her also and decided to join in. You know what i think now ? ....
Its always going to be SOMEONE else's fault. It's always Going to be about how SOMEBODY else made them Drink. How somebody else PUSHED them or how SOMETHING else was just TOO much. It doesn't matter WHO it is. It'll always be SOMEONE else. This time it was "YOU". The next time SOMEBODY else. Why should you defend yourself? Tell him good for you and Let him go blame someone else. Don't let him suck you in. you owe him nothing.
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Old 11-24-2013, 12:12 PM
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Even has a theme song . . . .

K's Choice - Not An Addict - YouTube

Not An Addict
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Old 11-25-2013, 10:11 AM
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Thanks to all who responded. Your words do help me, but try as I might, I can't stop obsessing over everything. I'm doing a lot better than I was and know it'll all blow over eventually, but right now I'm still feeling like crap...just what he wants. I agree with the poster who said it's not the amount one drinks, but I have to tell you that there's no doubt in my mind that he's an alcoholic. He drank from the minute he got home from work (when he did work) until 1 or 2 in the morning. I said 12+ beers because I honestly don't know the true number. That was just an estimate. Anyone who sits in a garage and drinks and drinks and can't do much of anything else in my opinion is an alcoholic. He may have drank them slowly...who knows?...I stopped counting them years ago when it was affecting me really badly.

Anyway, I found a good attorney and am going to file for divorce as soon as I get my retirement money in the mail. It sucks that I have to withdraw that for such a painful thing, but it has to be done. I have to say that I actually feel lucky that HE left ME. I know I would never have left him because I have this sick loyalty to him and marriage in general. It's really stupid because I've always heard that divorce is something that should be undertaken if any of the three As are present: Addiction, Abuse, or Adultery. I had at least 2 of them and God only knows if the third one was present. I honestly don't know at this point and dwelling on that will just drive me nuts.

I'll keep you guys posted on my progress. I hope the rest of you are doing well today! Thanks again for your very insightful responses. I appreciate it very much!
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Old 11-26-2013, 01:39 PM
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(((Hugs!)))
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:00 PM
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OMG. LOL. That did really **** me off. hahaha. I didn't even read the replies, I scrolled down to the quick reply box to write: I wonder how he even wrote that email considering his hands were shaking !!! Because... he is still an alcoholic who has not stopped drinking!!

I had my ABF tell me that in the last few years, he has drank b/c of the stress from our relationship. And he does not have a drinking problem. Funny, the day he told me he was in love with me, I had met him at a bar and he had drank so much I drove him home passed out in the car, and was worried how to get him back to my place from the parking garage. ? No stress then from us.


What a massive pile of ****. I am sorry you had to read that, and I can only imagine how you must have felt. Like the words you wrote didn't nearly let you express the true frustration. BEEN THERE. MANY TIMES. It is good to know the extent to which the crazy behavior/denial can go. Thanks for sharing. Really.
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Old 11-28-2013, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Even has a theme song . . . .

K's Choice - Not An Addict - YouTube

Not An Addict
Wow, that song took me back a few years. Thanks for posting it Hammer.

Sheryl, I too am dealing with the same kind of just total bullcrap as you are at the moment. I'm so sorry. It's insanely frustrating trying to have any kind of serious conversation with an individual who is delusional. You want so badly for them to just open their eyes and look at the truth...but they never do, their delusions are too precious to them.

And I agree with others who said your husband probably is still drinking. My husband has maintained many times that he has quit drinking when really, he just wasn't drinking as much as at certain times in the past. In his mind, because he isn't getting totally wasted every night he's "quit." Yesterday I found a receipt from the liquor store but he still insists he has quit drinking. He probably even believes it. It's pretty sad.
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