Originally Posted by
mmk11 
I constantly think about my STBXAH - we are barely in contact but I think about him all the time. Some of the things are good - how we could laugh with each other. But mostly it is the bad things: the mental and emotional abuse, the blaming and guilt tripping, lying, and lack of empathy. His disrespectful, undignified, and apathetic way he treated me. Kindness one day, utter indifference the next day. My god. I replay scenes in my mind over and over again. How he acted; how I reacted; what I could've done differently to stand up for myself; why was I more concerned about his feelings instead of my own.
I wonder what he is doing, if he is seeing anyone, will I run into him just about anywhere I go. Ridiculous. I am trying to focus on me, so when I think about him I try to steer my thoughts to ME and what I need to do in that moment. It is helping, but requires a lot of mental energy; I'm still not very good at it. But dammit, it seems like sometimes I forget to think about him so then I remember and he consumes my thoughts.
Sometimes when he emails me about home affairs, I respond politely. Then I remember I want "reject" him somehow with a curt response but don't want to appear petty. I want him to give me an opening, per se, so I can unleash on him what I really think/thought about our marriage and separation. He already knows I think his alcoholism was at the root of most, if not all, of our marital problems.
I'm so frustrated that he is on my mind. How am I really moving on when I think so much about him and our past? My final divorce decree is imminent, perhaps that will get me over the mental hump and I'll think about him less and less. I have so much to let go of, I just don't know how.
I continue to read Al-Anon lit, Codependent No More, and about addiction. I'm attending a DivorceCare support group. I see a counselor. I'm on anti-depressents for depression and anxiety. I journal. I read and write here. (seeing all this in writing makes me laugh
) I wonder if I'm distracting myself too much and not really focusing on healing emotionally.
I feel like my recovery, healing, and moving on looks good on paper only: I have a new house; I am working out; I stay busy with two jobs. I still have much joy with my friends, family, and felines; I really enjoy being alone in a peaceful, anxiety- and alcoholism-free home.
So why can't I stop thinking about him?
How have you all gotten to a place where you don't think about your XA?
Sorry for the rant :/
I have been reading this post over and over again - as it describes EXACTLY how I feel. the fact that I can see somebody has been able to put everything in to words - I find comforting because it makes me feel like I am not alone.
I also feel so hurt that after the decades of c**p I put up with - it is STBXAH who filed for a divorce and seems to be gagging for it. Somehow it is going to fix his life and get rid of the cause of all his misery - ie ME! I was on the Newcomers site and saw someone comparing giving up their addiction in the same way as coping with a death. I guess its the same for us - we are also dealing with the loss of our addiction - ie the alcoholic.
For the past few days I have not even bothered to get out of bed - so great has been my anxiety and depression. I am not sure if I have just become obsessed with SR and Alanon but things have been getting to a stage where I cannot find any comfort anywhere. I feel so hopeless and sad - it stays with me for hours - this feeling - then I get some respite when it goes - usually late at night. I wake up the next morning and usually its back again. The 2 things that I have to cling on to is the first reading in 'courage to change' on Responsibility pg 85 I think :-
"
I came to al-anon confused about what was and was not my responsibility. today, after lots of step work, i believe i am responsible for the following: to be loyal to my values; to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love; to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them;to attend al-anon meetings and keep in touch with friends in the fellowship; to be realistic in my expectations; to make healthy choices and to be grateful for my blessings.
i also have certain responsibilities to others: to extend a welcome to newcomers; to be of service; to recognize that others have a right to live their own lives; to listen, not just with my ears, but also with my heart; and to share my joy as well as my sorrow.
i am not responsible for my alcoholic loved one's drinking, sobriety, job, cleanliness, diet, dental hygiene, or other choices. it is my responsibility to treat this person with courtesy, gentleness, and love. in this way we both can grow.
today's reminder
today, if i am tempted to interfere with something that is none of my business, i can turn my attention instead to some way in which i can take care of myself.
"
And what I read on the newcomers site about giving up our addiction - ie for us - the alcoholic
:-
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
I relate this to while I was still drinking. Denying the reality, doing anything to avoid dealing with the fact that I have a addiction problem.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
This is when the bad stuff starts happening due to drinking-the chaos, the guilt, the consequences of not dealing with it sooner.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
This is the stage where you try to moderate. I'll only drink on weekends. I'll only drink beer. I won't have more than one or two. You're bargaining with yourself to avoid dealing with the problem.
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
This is early on when I quit. It was isolating, a huge time of reflection, often depressing, and a lot of looking back at the effect drinking has had on my life.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
This was after about 2 months. I started getting more productive, cravings were lessened, better mood.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
This is where I'm at now, I think. Adjusting to life without alcohol, problem solving, finances, etc.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled is iYOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
Not here quite yet, but getting better at dealing with the reality each day.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
After all this then I say to myself does any of this matter because I have to admit I still love the alcoholic - and that makes me feel trapped and really doomed.