Hi Katiedid. I took a look at your first post on this site:
Originally Posted by
katiedid722 
My name is Katie, I am new to this site. hi all
I guess I came here in hopes of finding some people who may know what I'm dealing with. I'm not completely new to this sober, AA thing. I went through 6 months sobriety when a weekend trip to the lake was all it took to start the ball rolling again. It wasn't until this past Saturday night that I lost control once again. I was doing well with the whole, 1, 2, 3 drinks and I'm done thing ... however the idea of alcohol was once again taking a form of precedence in my thinking. Then Saturday after a nice birthday dinner w/ my fiance (and a few glasses of wine) I decided to ditch him and go out w/ girlfriends, regardless of attempts from him to try and get me to go back home with him. Instead I told him that he had to let me go out w/ the girls, or else this is what makes people want to be single (OMG how in the WORLD can alcohol push me to reason like this??!) So, the night ends with shots I promised I wouldn't take, an end to a night I don't remember, a heartbroken (and sleepy) fiance after having to pick me up at 3:30 in the morning. I'm ashamed, filled with guilt and remorse. The trust I've built in 6 months just gone like that. So - where do I go from here? I'm going to pick up the pieces just like I always do. This was just one more failed attempt at drinking like a "normal" person. Alcohol will never treat me normally. I've got to get out of this endless battle before I really end up hurting myself, or losing those people closest to me.
After reading that, I have to ask myself, and maybe you should ask yourself, why your fiance thinks it's okay for you to drink as long as he's with you?! I mean I guess he hopes he can control you but he doesn't realize that alcoholism means having no control... as demonstrated in your first post, even with the best of intentions AND having him there to help control you, it takes you to a really crazy out-of-control spot. Does he really want to risk that happening again (especially at your wedding?!) And even if he does, you should not allow it to happen... you should make sure it doesn't by not having that first drink, because as we all know (believe me I can relate), it's all downhill and crazy out of control from there.
I think it's great you came here and posted when you have these thoughts about wanting to drink normally. It's great that you are honest with yourself that you cannot drink normally. It is not your fault, it is just how we are. Believe me some days when I hear Pitbull sing about drinking in Miami or whatever I start to think, "I want to do that! No fair!!!" Then I have to remind myself of the horrible consequences that come from my drinking. It is not worth it. And honestly all the people out there drinking in the world aren't consequence-free either. Some of them have their own drinking problems and we shouldn't assume they are able to handle their alcohol. And, as someone on SR once pointed out to me, it makes no sense to be jealous of the people who can drink alcohol "normally" because it doesn't do for them what it does for us... we like and crave alcohol because it gives us this special euphoria and takes us out of our minds in a way that it doesn't do for "normal drinkers." So being jealous of them having a drink or two is like being jealous of someone who has a cup of two or coffee, gets the desired effect from it (alertness, they like the taste, they get a little caffeine rush etc.) , or a cup or two of tea (relaxation, it soothes or calms them), and then they get on with their day without craving more coffee or tea and having it ruin their night/perhaps life. It is only our obsessive attraction to alcohol that makes us jealous of the people who can drink it "normally," when in reality if we were the people drinking it normally, we wouldn't even be phased by it, it would seriously be like enjoying a steak dinner and then getting on with our lives... not the pleasure and high that are associated with alcohol for us.
I don't know if I'm making sense but anyway just keep remembering why you don't drink, for your own sake and your fiancee's, and in my experience a certain freedom comes with that. You don't have to worry about the negative consequences, and you can focus on other positive experiences... your first dance as husband and wife, having your friends and family close to celebrate your special day... you can absorb and enjoy all those great feelings and moments without being under the influence of alcohol or any other substance that isn't the natural you. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I so hope you continue to choose sobriety!!!