Defeated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
Defeated
My name is Katie, I am new to this site. hi all 
I guess I came here in hopes of finding some people who may know what I'm dealing with. I'm not completely new to this sober, AA thing. I went through 6 months sobriety when a weekend trip to the lake was all it took to start the ball rolling again. It wasn't until this past Saturday night that I lost control once again. I was doing well with the whole, 1, 2, 3 drinks and I'm done thing ... however the idea of alcohol was once again taking a form of precedence in my thinking. Then Saturday after a nice birthday dinner w/ my fiance (and a few glasses of wine) I decided to ditch him and go out w/ girlfriends, regardless of attempts from him to try and get me to go back home with him. Instead I told him that he had to let me go out w/ the girls, or else this is what makes people want to be single (OMG how in the WORLD can alcohol push me to reason like this??!) So, the night ends with shots I promised I wouldn't take, an end to a night I don't remember, a heartbroken (and sleepy) fiance after having to pick me up at 3:30 in the morning. I'm ashamed, filled with guilt and remorse. The trust I've built in 6 months just gone like that. So - where do I go from here? I'm going to pick up the pieces just like I always do. This was just one more failed attempt at drinking like a "normal" person. Alcohol will never treat me normally. I've got to get out of this endless battle before I really end up hurting myself, or losing those people closest to me. 
I guess I came here in hopes of finding some people who may know what I'm dealing with. I'm not completely new to this sober, AA thing. I went through 6 months sobriety when a weekend trip to the lake was all it took to start the ball rolling again. It wasn't until this past Saturday night that I lost control once again. I was doing well with the whole, 1, 2, 3 drinks and I'm done thing ... however the idea of alcohol was once again taking a form of precedence in my thinking. Then Saturday after a nice birthday dinner w/ my fiance (and a few glasses of wine) I decided to ditch him and go out w/ girlfriends, regardless of attempts from him to try and get me to go back home with him. Instead I told him that he had to let me go out w/ the girls, or else this is what makes people want to be single (OMG how in the WORLD can alcohol push me to reason like this??!) So, the night ends with shots I promised I wouldn't take, an end to a night I don't remember, a heartbroken (and sleepy) fiance after having to pick me up at 3:30 in the morning. I'm ashamed, filled with guilt and remorse. The trust I've built in 6 months just gone like that. So - where do I go from here? I'm going to pick up the pieces just like I always do. This was just one more failed attempt at drinking like a "normal" person. Alcohol will never treat me normally. I've got to get out of this endless battle before I really end up hurting myself, or losing those people closest to me. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: norfolk,va
Posts: 147
Hi Katie, I made similar mistakes as well. My advice is to buckle down and work on being sober again. He will notice your actions and hopefully all works out. Just from reading your post it seems that even just Agee drinks might be too much but that's just me. You have to determine your path and I wish you the best.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Katie, the thing with alcoholism is that it's relentless. And, each time it takes over, it brings more and more shame and guilt and it makes it harder to recover from. I sure understand how hard it is to regain trust, but know that you can do this.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
katie.. I lost an engagement because of a bad decision I made while drinking. I will never ever forget this. I should have known then I had a problem. You can do it. There is so much more to live for. I'm 51 days sober and life is SO great sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Hi Katie
So you're defeated...that was a turning point for me...because that was it...I never drank again!
I'm not sure if you were white knuckling it for those 6 months...but that just does not work. As I'm sure you know Katie, there is so much to learn about alcohol and how patient and cunning it is...it will go in for the kill...a la "weekend trip to the lake"...it is always lying in wait.
I emersed myself in learning all that I could....and I read a lot...still do.
You can do this Katie...you must want it more than anything.
Glad to have you with us
Big hugs
So you're defeated...that was a turning point for me...because that was it...I never drank again!
I'm not sure if you were white knuckling it for those 6 months...but that just does not work. As I'm sure you know Katie, there is so much to learn about alcohol and how patient and cunning it is...it will go in for the kill...a la "weekend trip to the lake"...it is always lying in wait.
I emersed myself in learning all that I could....and I read a lot...still do.
You can do this Katie...you must want it more than anything.
Glad to have you with us
Big hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Hi Katie-
I've pulled various stunts like these on my fiance...
You have to surrender and admit you're powerless over alcohol. Most importantly, you have to accept it.... It was very easy for me to admit powerlessness over booze after a bad binge weekend, a large bar tab and not being able to find my wallet/keys/watch or remember how I got home. Accepting that I can never drink again was not very easy as my addiction kept putting thoughts in my head....
Actions speak louder than words... I finally stood up in a meeting when they asked for any "newcomers or people coming back" walked across to pick up my 24 hour chip... Like you, I also had many many attempts at trying to cut down, but with no luck..
I suggest you create a plan, see a counselor, AA etc and MOVE on it. Both feet IN.
I am now married (same girl) and almost 1.5 years sober.. So things will get better for you !! Trust me ! Just do the work... You deserve it !!
All the best !!
I've pulled various stunts like these on my fiance...
You have to surrender and admit you're powerless over alcohol. Most importantly, you have to accept it.... It was very easy for me to admit powerlessness over booze after a bad binge weekend, a large bar tab and not being able to find my wallet/keys/watch or remember how I got home. Accepting that I can never drink again was not very easy as my addiction kept putting thoughts in my head....
Actions speak louder than words... I finally stood up in a meeting when they asked for any "newcomers or people coming back" walked across to pick up my 24 hour chip... Like you, I also had many many attempts at trying to cut down, but with no luck..
I suggest you create a plan, see a counselor, AA etc and MOVE on it. Both feet IN.
I am now married (same girl) and almost 1.5 years sober.. So things will get better for you !! Trust me ! Just do the work... You deserve it !!
All the best !!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
welcome back to sobriety, Katie and welcome to SR! i think moderation is a fantasy we all have. i'm learning that i have the most power over alcohol before the first drink. also, it's easier for me to not drink than try to moderate. that way, i don't have to keep up with how much i'm drinking. no more formulas, no more "i drank this much yesterday so i can drink this much today" or "i've had this much so i can have this much more." anyways, my judgment just gets so muddled when i drink at all that i've found my personal best bet is just to not drink. good luck with this go around! i haven't gotten to 6 months yet. that's quite an accomplishment! just think, you've done that much, you can do it again! revisit what was working for you. you seem to have learned something from your experience so that's excellent. i hope you find the support that so many have found here on SR. it's a wonderful place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Live2Run25 
katie.. I lost an engagement because of a bad decision I made while drinking. I will never ever forget this. I should have known then I had a problem. You can do it. There is so much more to live for. I'm 51 days sober and life is SO great sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
Thanks so much for the warm welcome! I'm so happy to be sober living again. And a little scares too knowing that after relapse its a slippery slope and I wasn't expecting the urge to come 6 months later! I know this isa Lifelong process but I can so it thank you for the support!
thank you for the support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
lol, the lucky ones are the same as age as you. Me, I took a bit longer to accept that drinking was not controllable in the long run, and even when I could control it in the short run... well, what's the fun in that? It was so great to just give up the struggle, and concede I could never drink again.
I know that seems crazy—never? What a scary word that was to me at first. As in, "I can never drink again." Now it's a comfort to me though, as in, "I never have to go through that crap again!"
Glad you found us. There are a lot of ways to escape the madness. SR has been a big part of my approach.
Me, I took a bit longer to accept that drinking was not controllable in the long run, and even when I could control it in the short run... well, what's the fun in that? It was so great to just give up the struggle, and concede I could never drink again.I know that seems crazy—never? What a scary word that was to me at first. As in, "I can never drink again." Now it's a comfort to me though, as in, "I never have to go through that crap again!"
Glad you found us. There are a lot of ways to escape the madness. SR has been a big part of my approach.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
Hi Katie
I'm new too and I am EXACTLY the same. I have no off switch and I have ditched an ex on a night out so I can carry on. Spending money I don't have on a night I don't remember! We can do this. I'm apprehensive but I know the madness needs to stop before it's too late.
We can do this!
Sx
I'm new too and I am EXACTLY the same. I have no off switch and I have ditched an ex on a night out so I can carry on. Spending money I don't have on a night I don't remember! We can do this. I'm apprehensive but I know the madness needs to stop before it's too late.
We can do this!
Sx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hi Katie. I feel the same as ReadyAndAble. It took me a 'bit' longer (like 25 yrs. ). Life without alcohol looked like a long and boring ride. I can't believe I ever felt that way. It's far more boring (also dangerous) to live our lives in a numb, out-of-control state - where we don't even remember much of what happens to us.
Glad you've joined the family. We're all behind you.
). Life without alcohol looked like a long and boring ride. I can't believe I ever felt that way. It's far more boring (also dangerous) to live our lives in a numb, out-of-control state - where we don't even remember much of what happens to us.Glad you've joined the family. We're all behind you.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
After drinking for 35 years and all that entailed, I made a solemn vow to never drink again and to never change my mind. My life couldn't take a 'process' getting sober and I had only one chance. So, the alcohol supply got cut off, the door to the store got locked and then there was this 'fire'. I have not had a drink since that day and I never will. Drinking again is never an option.
If someone had told me that I could try and fail a bunch of times before quitting for good, I might have done just that. For me, it comes back to that solemn vow I made a year ago. Done.
If someone had told me that I could try and fail a bunch of times before quitting for good, I might have done just that. For me, it comes back to that solemn vow I made a year ago. Done.
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