Addicted to the NEEDLE HOOKED ON THE RITUAL!
 

Wanted to start this thread now that I have a few days in and can discuss this topic. What I hope to get out of this is people talking about there issues with needles and rituals. Is it harder to quit the dope or the actual needle think about it. I believe to believe in order to fix an issue within ourselve we have to know what the true issue is. A little about me. I am an ADDICT. Not just of dope but of everything. That is something that took me close to 15 years to truely understand and accept. But it will help me survive, Thrive, and Be one of the strongest people out there. I am addicted to the needle. It doesn't matter what drug is in it. I am addicted the ritual It doesn't matter what type just the preprocess the seconds right before that is what I am more addicted to then the actual after effect. Well a little personal info. I have been clean now 18 days went through Heroin withdrawl cold turkey this last time. Prior was Meth, Coke, Crack, Meth, Crack, End with Heroin. I look back and am happy to still be here with all my teeth and fairly good health besides the Rheumatoid Arthritis I have at such a young life. Here is the thing I have battled through this and made it out to the other side. I hope that my past experiences can be used to positively help other get through there issues. So if you have questions leave them, if you have thoughts post them if you want to BS I am here I will make an honest effort to help anyone that wants Ya Know WHY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT BY TAKING THE FIRST STEPS AND YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON INSIDE! AND WELL YOU ROCK. HAVE A GREAT DAY!:c029:

Congrats on the clean time!

Quite possibly the best quote I have seen on SR to date

:c011:

Thaks for the reply I thought it was a big deal to have done the amount of dope I have over the years and to still have my health back, all my teeth and not be dead! I have a lot of friends No not friends people I have none that have bad teeth and bad health form a year of drug use.

That quote is hilarious. And so true!

Anyway, what I have to say about this is I have never used a needle but I can tell you that I was addicted to putting something up my nose. It was the feeling of the tooter and the drain. I know all my friends are addicts as well and we all kinda got there together and they all say the same thing. They are addicted to putting something up their nose. The feel of it, the "ritual". So, I completely understand and I have heard other needle junkies say the same thing, it is the needle that is so exciting that they are addicted to (as well as the drug) but they love the rush of the needle.

So, thanks for this post and again congrats on the sobriety!! I have 20 days today!:ghug3

Congrats on your clean time! I too was on meth for 4 yrs, then switched to opiates. Inbetween has been other stuff, but I am happy to be clean too! Keep on posting on the boards, you will find lots of support on here!

Sheila

I'm in complete agreement with that statement -- and though I had many rituals over the years associated with my using (of many different substances), and as much as the ritual was almost as important to me as the substance itself -- it wasn't the issue. Gotta dig a little deeper for that.

Why, do you think, that a substance or ritual associated with the substance becomes so important? What kind of control do you think that helps we addicts impose on the uncontrollable? I recall hurting so badly for my poison--and feeling better as soon as it was in my possession, before I even used. I felt control. I felt that I would soon be better, and life was okay.

So, why is life not okay without it?

The problem, the real issue, for this addict isn't the substance or whatever ritual I develop to use the substance. It's me. I needed all of the above because I didn't have something deep inside; it filled a lack deep inside me. Simply quitting didn't "fix" me. I had to change--my thinking, my habits (rituals), the way I saw the world. Only when those changes took place was I free of the substances and rituals that went along with them.

Just my experience. Congrats on being clean. Prayers that you remain that way.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Wow that is a excellent and great post. It is very true for me the only true to get rid of the feelings for the bad is to replace iwth positive and good things. Examples that are helping me now living healthy, exercise vitamins, eating right, sleeping right , finding something productive to work on each day, family, church, and so on with all of these positive it is like the negatives were never even there. But see here is the issue when life changes and as a addict you loose the good positive things you need to be aware of you your thoughts your feelings your emotions your attitudes if you are not aware you can easily replace the good with the bad relapse at end up back in the darkness in a very short time. I admit this has been the never ending cycle I have been on for the last 15 years repeat after repeat after repeat after repeat but it all those experiences hardships Etc that has made me finally understand me become aware and learn how to focus and overcome the loss of good and instead of replace with bad be able to replace with good. So on this path I can OVERCOME and can STAY AWAY and Can BE FREE OF THE DEAMONS THAT have plagued me for SO LONG!:c031:

Wow Sug. As always great post. I totally went back and relived moments when I was so desperate to get high. I felt so anxious and just desperate. Its a hateful feeling. But as soon as that definate possibility of getting something is there. Its like it all melts away. Like I got my security blanket back. You hit that so dead on. All that anxiety and desperation go away.
Thats so sad to thin about now.
I think we have all had our rituals. I know I have. And sometimes everyday actions mimic those rituals a little in some ways. So sometimes just doing a normal thing out of the blue can trigger that memory for me.
But like Sug said. You have to change your perspective. I did those same things before becoming an addict and didnt associate it with using. It just became habit. So now we need to make it a habit to not think like that.
It can be tough to transition back to regular thinking. But it is very possible.
And I am a firm believer that it all lies in just that. Perspective. Followed by behavior.
Congrats on 18 days. Keep it up.

+1 on what Sugah said (as usual :)), and on what Ashlee said (I was hooked on the nose ritual, too), and welcome to the boards X.

Have you thought about hitting up some recovery meetings, brother? Now would be an excellent time to start getting involved and interacting w/others who are trying to do the same thing that you are doing ... just my $.02, NA and AA were a big help to me in the early going, that's for sure.

I've lost so much weight because of the general improvement in my health that for the first time since I can remember I can see the bones on the top sides of my hands moving through the skin when I type. I chose to BS, sorry, lol.

omg, i am so much like that, and meth was never even my DOC, my thing was alcohol, but i did do it for a bit, im ADD, so it doesnt give me the same effect as most, but i would continue to do it at times, because i was always hoping that maybe "this time" i could get that high... and i really enjoyed the whole crushing it up, making the line, and snorting, it was just kind of a rush for me, felt like i was "doing something wrong" and i am a thrillseeker, so i like the feeling of being "sneaky" if you will...and now, i have been diagnosed with the ADD and i am currently taking ritalin, and its very embarrasing to admit, but i crush them up and snort them, it doesnt even make a difference in doing that and taking them orally but i just enjoy the sneaky feeling, feeling like im "getting away" with something...i know i am at an age that i should be past that whole defiant thrill seeking thing, but here i am, still doing it... i think if i werent doing that, i would find something else that may be REALLY wrong, and at least what im doing is legal, and wont tear up my family :)

Wait, you LOST weight when you kicked?

that's totally unfair, dude

Strange. I have not logged in to SR in a couple weeks. What I was thinking a few minutes ago was how it would feel right now to blow a pipe and take a few deep, long....well, nevermind.

Anyways, that thinking of mine is what told me I should come check in to SR and this thread was the first one I clicked on. Thank you.

Yep, I definitely agree with you about the ritual is just as addicting as the actual using of the drug. I was hooked on the thrill of getting the drug (in my case anything opiate) and crushing it into a line and then snorting it. I liked that part alone. And I missed that for a long time. It gave me something to do. So, yeah I do agree with that and I have thought about that before. CONGRATS on getting clean, that is the biggest step! I am proud of you and keep doing the next right thing!

Hey party, Congrats! and keep up the good work!!

I also loved the ritual of snorting my Doc.. opening the bags,making the lines, getting the drip, it was so weird.. before I got my hands on my doc I felt so awful.. Once I knew I was getting something and it was in my hands it was like I was already high.. Like Aysha said it was my security blanket.. But I defiantly know all about being hooked on the needle.. my brother injects.. we use to get high together and I always wanted to try the needle to see if I would feel it more.. He would never let me and told me that I would end up loving the needle more than the drug itself..So I totally understand.. But I am happy to say today that being clean is the best high ever!! and you are right.. in order to fix it you have to know what you are fixing..

Keep up the good work party.. I have been reading your post since day one and its good to hear your still going strong!! Great Job and keep posting :)

that last line, "in order to fix it you have to know what you are fixing" really stood out to me...its like crazy is defined by doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results...you have to admit to take a step back ,and ask ourself how far gone are you really are into your addiction, and if its continuing by doing these "rituals" as i do ... not throwing stones here...i think the addict may not be in "full recovery" of their DOC, or any kind.. basic "trash can junkie" here, AND alcoholic,.... its tough as hell, ive been sober now from alcohol, (taken a few pills since) 18 months, and i am struggling like hell

HELLO EVERYONE! WOW THANKS FOR GETTING THIS THREAD YOU ALL ROCK! I didnt know if it would work but it seems like it is and that is a great thing. So thanks again for everyone that shared. Ok had a really good day again. Finished training with my job so that is my positive note. Alright so there is no doubt I am an addict. I am fully aware. I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Fully in tune with all my emotions, desires, wants, then needs. So lets focus on the needs. I don't need dope. I don't need the pain. I don't need the heartache. I don't need the constant cycle of make it break it start over if I don't die this time around. (I mean seriously how many years can I stay lucky before I end up in jail or dead) I think the 15 years I have contibuted is long enough. I guess for me I had to go through these cycles to get to I don't want and ENOUGH!!! I think it will be very hard for anyone to truely want to become and stay clean until they can get to the awareness of how bad the high really is. It maybe a sudden gratification but come on IS IT WORTH THE HEII THAT SHORTLY FELLOWS. Is it worth the pain you bring to everyone and everything around! Everyone has had pain with drugs there is no way you can't take that pain take it out of the barried place in your heart and bring it to the surface the next time you get an URGE! This is what happens for me. I use too get and still do will probably forever get that saliva in the mouth the tickle in the back of the throat the tingle in your upper lip you know that 5 secs of euphoria but now I realate it to the pain the loss of everything the loss of all my friends the pain of family the loss of relationship the loss of job All the good things I threw away All the Money I pis@ed Away the 1000's gone for what. When I do this that tingle Turns to a DULL EMPTY FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH! Then think abut Every Person I HURT Along the way and then I feel like I want to Through Up and Cry! You wanna stay Clean you want a new life The Easiest thing to help you is instead of remembering the good remember the BAD and it should keep you away. There isn't enough good things from drugs to ever overcome the BAD!!!! NEVER EVER!!! Well Remember life is a gift and not a given right... (These are just thoughts and opinions what works for me may not work for others but you can never have too much knowledge or sources of hope) Thanks for listening Everyone!!!!!!:ghug3

Well according to some people I'm still "using" because I have a medical condition beyond my control even though I never get high and hardly ever think about stuff like this 'til I come here heh.

i totally disagree with the "still in addiction" thing about PRESCRIBED meds... i am on a lot of different meds, and i think as long as you dont abuse them, take more than prescribed, or taking it just to get a high,t that it is absolutely fine.

And this is exactly why I dont let others opinions dictate my recovery. I know whats right or worng. I dont need to follow someone elses belief system. And I dont mean that in a disrespectful way. And I am always open to hearing others opinions and def want to hear and do follow alot of what has worked for others. But as far as someone telling me I am not clean becasue I take a prescribed med, as prescribed. Well that just makes me giggle a little. Cause not everyone is going to fly off the deep end over every little thing.
I respect anyones beliefs when put upon themselves. But dont put them on me.
I know there are some that cant even consider taking certain meds or it may trigger them. But not everyone is like that. Some people need some meds. And I will dam if I am going to suffer through pain that can be managed properly with a medication. As long as I fllow the directions and my intentions arent for anything other than what it is intended for.

That's so funny because I am so the defiant one myself, I think a lot of addicts are or were in the past! As a teenager I looked for trouble, the thrill of the trouble, not getting caught. I still do that sometimes, well have the thoughts of doing something crazy and something I know I'm not supposed to do just for the thrill.

Alright I ahve so many thoughts angles and feelings about this. I will first state my opinions and then try to look at in another direction. I agree that it is not for anyone to say you don't count or you aren't recovered or you aren't clean because you take a medication a pain killer whatever. There is a Huge difference between being an addict way overboard out of control then beingan addict that is recovered who takes a pain med as prescribed for pain. As far as I am concerned you are healed you are complete you are so far recovered if you are avle to take that mew pain killer whatever as prescribed and be ok and keep your addiction in check. That is a good point to be at. Here is why I believe others say the things they do. We are all addicts agreed. Ok that being said an addict is an addict and we all have urges we all will probably have urges and we all no that if we slip on that urge from that pill or that med or even that ritual we loose evrything we worked so hard to build its not the fact that you take that pill its the fact that you can push the envelope with that pill. At the same time for some of us we have gotten to the awarness pin were we know what is what we feel what we feel and we know we got to that point were we know how to take things were we dont act on our urges and that is the true point of recovery. An addict will always want that pipe that drink that needle but to say no way not again that is recovery that is when you can truely heal and stay clean. For alot of addicts I can say from experience you maybe forced or start recovery when you are not ready. You may have think you it the bottom but sometimes you have to hit below the bottom Its tuff its ruff its wrong that this is the way but it is the way to recovery. I will tread litely on this so please dont get mad its not like this for everyone this me and whoever wants to agree I don't think your an addict unless you relapse what I mean is someone that uses for a long knows they have a problem gets clean and then stays clean granted this person is addicted to there doc but they were able to quit get out be great fine. One is not worse then the other or anything like that that is not what I am tryinig to say I guess in my head addicts have to fail multiple times really before they can learn how to Win and overcome. Its like playing the same game over and over and over and over utill you figure it out and win the game. Then your done. Others play once get mored say this isdumb and change. Addicts cant do that theuy have to go through all of it again and again or there is no satisfaction it really is sort of sick when you think about it. So back to the point becasue of this that is why people are so you cant do that that doesn;t count its because they try to tie up everything and try to hide the failure that has to come. With Addicts the only way to win is to fail It ois the only way to get through and finish. Again let me say I may have put this in a way that may be wrong to you may affend you may upset YOU THAT WOULD NEVER BE MY INTENTION THIS ISJUST HOW MY PATH WENT AND MY OPINION REMEMBER ALL PEOPLE SEEKING HELP WHENEVER THEY DO ARE TAKING BIG PERSONAL STRIDES TO HEAL AND BE A BETTER PERSON AND THAT IS SPECAIL AND GREAT WHENEVER YOU DO THAT MY THOUGHTS ARE MINE. I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A STRONG DAY!

You know I love you X but I gotta disagree! I am new to recovery and I hope to God I don't relapse. I feel like I don't want to be that person I was again and maybe it's too early for me to being saying this stuff cause I may eat my words but this is how I feel.

I know damn good and well I am an addict. I know if I put another pill up my nose it won't just be one time, I will be right back in detox again bc I can't just do one. One is never enough! So, maybe I get it before other people because I have been around addicts, I am well educated on addiction, I live my life constantly thinking about recovery. I remind myself where I was and how I don't want to go back there. I have a beautiful two year old son that I have missed so much and he has been right here in front of me the whole time but I'd rather be high than play with him.

I don't need to relapse to know I am addict. Maybe I just get it sooner than some do. Now do I think I will never relapse? I know I could tomarrow no matter how straight I have my head on my shoulders. I love sobriety, I haven't felt this great in such a long time. I laugh for Godsakes! I smile, I am the old me that is stupid crazy and break out in dance to the music in my head. I've always been the outgoing crazy azz person and I lost that person when I was using. I love me and I never want to hate me again.

You basically stole the words out of my mouth.. I feel the same way.. But I will say this.. I did have a relapse awhile back.. It was due to missing my sub appt. I took a couple of hydrocodine.. not my doc.. didn't even feel anything.. I was just too worried about feeling sick.. but it was a relapse.. (to me anyways) and I am not trying to justify why I did it or making excuses I am just simply explaining the situation..

I do know that I do not want to ever go back to that lifestyle or be that person who I once was.. I know for a fact that if I was to use my doc just once.. that it would never stop at just one.. Many say relapse is a part of recovery.. and you never know.. and you can never say never because I am proof that it is possible..but I am gonna try my hardest not to let it ever happen again! I love being sober.. I love the person I am becoming.. I love that I am back to my old self before drugs.. I am going to work at my recovery.. and avoid any possibility of ever relapsing, take one day at a time and go from there.. but I feel the same way as you.. I don't need to relapse to know I am a addict.. I am a addict and I need to focus on ways to prevent relapse.. These are just my thoughts and opinions

I wanted to weigh in on this thought real quick because I have opposing points of view on it.

First off, I don't think it is healthy for any addict to agree that relapse is ok...only because that is giving them an "out" or an excuse to use sometime in the future. It could be 5 days or 5 years after they quit, but as long as that option is there, chances are they will take it.

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that relapse will happen to most people in active recovery simply because it is the nature of the beast...and that is ok. This opinion comes from being in Drug Court and watching over 90 percent of the people in that program, who were being monitored EVERY DAY with drug tests, use and fail in the program.

Now my personal experience is that I have quit and been in active recovery, and used. More than once. Had this not happened, I would have never understood how dangerous it is for me to even attempt to use drugs. The stretch after I used the first time, nothing terrible happened to me. Then I quit. I used again and I was arrested more than once. Then I quit. I used again and my life went str8 to hell...then I quit. I used again, turned to the needle, almost died, and was arrested. Then I quit. I used AGAIN, used the needle again, watched 2 close friends OD, and this time, I quit on my own.

The definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I think that definition has played out perfectly in my life with the exception of things getting worse everytime.

X---Don't set yourself up for any type of failure on this. You have been down a bad road already, you don't need to do it again. If my experience can help just ONE person, please understand that if you leave that door even cracked a little, chances are you will want to see what's inside just one more time. There is no need to peek behind it anymore; just shut that door and remove the option.


/EndRant

I understand but here is my issue. My door will always be cracked. I will always have temptation thrown in my face. That is the way my life will be the only way around that and to truely shut the door is to end up crippled. i have to take multiple injections all the time self administered for my RA. There is no other treatment for me. It's bad enough I am living with excruciating pain at the moment because I refuse to take any opiate pain meds right now becasue I want to give it more time. I will end up back on some type of pain killer. That will happen its reality. Here is the thing though. I have learned through experiences how to not want to my Docs and right now I have no desire no want for H or any other drug. My flame for such things is out. Everyone who reads this can say what they want but there are people that can actually just be at the point were they just dont even like it anymore and that is were I am at. I truely just feel pain when I think about any drug. Also people have said try another type of medication or do this or do that. I have been through so many treatments and so many types that trust me when I say this tat there are no other treatments then Auto immunue and opiate prescriptions to help me. So think about this I was hooked on H quit I can get more opiates then you can imagine legaly with very little effort but I choose not too even though I am supposed to taake them I choose not because I quit. For me relapsing was part of my cycle to understand experience everything I needed to to be able to put out my flame of desire for dope. I am at a good place in my life right now on how i feel and react to things and situations. I truely feel free from the grip my addiction has had on me.

hey there xparteee. thank you so much for addressing this issue. i actually found this place because i googled "addicted to the needle" i would sincerely like to talk with you more in depth about it sometime. hopefully soon. i do not yet have a clean date. having an extremely hard time putting it down. i am quickly losing everything. the most important of which are the people in my life who still love me and care what happens to me. so im just now new to this web site. maybe u can help me there to. not even sure how to find a response from you if you do respond. lol. [/I]

Hi sharppain

I'm sure you'll find folks to talk with here. There's a lot of support :)

Welcome to SR!
D

hey dee. thank you for your response. it means alot to me. i feel so alone sometimes. i have really f**k** up my life. my partner, wife, best friend is also my using buddy. she has been using meth for almost 20 years. after trying to beat em, i couldn't. so about 6 months ago i decided to join her...... the rest is history. i was off and running very quickly. it is tearing us apart. she wants to quit desperately. i am finding it to be the most extremely difficult addiction i have ever faced.:c021: