xpartyeee

Wanted to start this thread now that I have a few days in and can discuss this topic. What I hope to get out of this is people talking about there issues with needles and rituals. Is it harder to quit the dope or the actual needle think about it. I believe to believe in order to fix an issue within ourselve we have to know what the true issue is. A little about me. I am an ADDICT. Not just of dope but of everything. That is something that took me close to 15 years to truely understand and accept. But it will help me survive, Thrive, and Be one of the strongest people out there. I am addicted to the needle. It doesn't matter what drug is in it. I am addicted the ritual It doesn't matter what type just the preprocess the seconds right before that is what I am more addicted to then the actual after effect. Well a little personal info. I have been clean now 18 days went through Heroin withdrawl cold turkey this last time. Prior was Meth, Coke, Crack, Meth, Crack, End with Heroin. I look back and am happy to still be here with all my teeth and fairly good health besides the Rheumatoid Arthritis I have at such a young life. Here is the thing I have battled through this and made it out to the other side. I hope that my past experiences can be used to positively help other get through there issues. So if you have questions leave them, if you have thoughts post them if you want to BS I am here I will make an honest effort to help anyone that wants Ya Know WHY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT BY TAKING THE FIRST STEPS AND YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON INSIDE! AND WELL YOU ROCK. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

smacked

Congrats on the clean time!

Ago

Quite possibly the best quote I have seen on SR to date

xpartyeee

Thaks for the reply I thought it was a big deal to have done the amount of dope I have over the years and to still have my health back, all my teeth and not be dead! I have a lot of friends No not friends people I have none that have bad teeth and bad health form a year of drug use.

ashleek

That quote is hilarious. And so true!

Anyway, what I have to say about this is I have never used a needle but I can tell you that I was addicted to putting something up my nose. It was the feeling of the tooter and the drain. I know all my friends are addicts as well and we all kinda got there together and they all say the same thing. They are addicted to putting something up their nose. The feel of it, the "ritual". So, I completely understand and I have heard other needle junkies say the same thing, it is the needle that is so exciting that they are addicted to (as well as the drug) but they love the rush of the needle.

So, thanks for this post and again congrats on the sobriety!! I have 20 days today!:ghug3

Lily

Congrats on your clean time! I too was on meth for 4 yrs, then switched to opiates. Inbetween has been other stuff, but I am happy to be clean too! Keep on posting on the boards, you will find lots of support on here!

Sheila

Sugah

I'm in complete agreement with that statement -- and though I had many rituals over the years associated with my using (of many different substances), and as much as the ritual was almost as important to me as the substance itself -- it wasn't the issue. Gotta dig a little deeper for that.

Why, do you think, that a substance or ritual associated with the substance becomes so important? What kind of control do you think that helps we addicts impose on the uncontrollable? I recall hurting so badly for my poison--and feeling better as soon as it was in my possession, before I even used. I felt control. I felt that I would soon be better, and life was okay.

So, why is life not okay without it?

The problem, the real issue, for this addict isn't the substance or whatever ritual I develop to use the substance. It's me. I needed all of the above because I didn't have something deep inside; it filled a lack deep inside me. Simply quitting didn't "fix" me. I had to change--my thinking, my habits (rituals), the way I saw the world. Only when those changes took place was I free of the substances and rituals that went along with them.

Just my experience. Congrats on being clean. Prayers that you remain that way.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

xpartyeee

Wow that is a excellent and great post. It is very true for me the only true to get rid of the feelings for the bad is to replace iwth positive and good things. Examples that are helping me now living healthy, exercise vitamins, eating right, sleeping right , finding something productive to work on each day, family, church, and so on with all of these positive it is like the negatives were never even there. But see here is the issue when life changes and as a addict you loose the good positive things you need to be aware of you your thoughts your feelings your emotions your attitudes if you are not aware you can easily replace the good with the bad relapse at end up back in the darkness in a very short time. I admit this has been the never ending cycle I have been on for the last 15 years repeat after repeat after repeat after repeat but it all those experiences hardships Etc that has made me finally understand me become aware and learn how to focus and overcome the loss of good and instead of replace with bad be able to replace with good. So on this path I can OVERCOME and can STAY AWAY and Can BE FREE OF THE DEAMONS THAT have plagued me for SO LONG!

Aysha

Wow Sug. As always great post. I totally went back and relived moments when I was so desperate to get high. I felt so anxious and just desperate. Its a hateful feeling. But as soon as that definate possibility of getting something is there. Its like it all melts away. Like I got my security blanket back. You hit that so dead on. All that anxiety and desperation go away.
Thats so sad to thin about now.
I think we have all had our rituals. I know I have. And sometimes everyday actions mimic those rituals a little in some ways. So sometimes just doing a normal thing out of the blue can trigger that memory for me.
But like Sug said. You have to change your perspective. I did those same things before becoming an addict and didnt associate it with using. It just became habit. So now we need to make it a habit to not think like that.
It can be tough to transition back to regular thinking. But it is very possible.
And I am a firm believer that it all lies in just that. Perspective. Followed by behavior.
Congrats on 18 days. Keep it up.

bval

+1 on what Sugah said (as usual ), and on what Ashlee said (I was hooked on the nose ritual, too), and welcome to the boards X.

Have you thought about hitting up some recovery meetings, brother? Now would be an excellent time to start getting involved and interacting w/others who are trying to do the same thing that you are doing ... just my $.02, NA and AA were a big help to me in the early going, that's for sure.

Vintersemestre

I've lost so much weight because of the general improvement in my health that for the first time since I can remember I can see the bones on the top sides of my hands moving through the skin when I type. I chose to BS, sorry, lol.

crzylilmndfreak

omg, i am so much like that, and meth was never even my DOC, my thing was alcohol, but i did do it for a bit, im ADD, so it doesnt give me the same effect as most, but i would continue to do it at times, because i was always hoping that maybe "this time" i could get that high... and i really enjoyed the whole crushing it up, making the line, and snorting, it was just kind of a rush for me, felt like i was "doing something wrong" and i am a thrillseeker, so i like the feeling of being "sneaky" if you will...and now, i have been diagnosed with the ADD and i am currently taking ritalin, and its very embarrasing to admit, but i crush them up and snort them, it doesnt even make a difference in doing that and taking them orally but i just enjoy the sneaky feeling, feeling like im "getting away" with something...i know i am at an age that i should be past that whole defiant thrill seeking thing, but here i am, still doing it... i think if i werent doing that, i would find something else that may be REALLY wrong, and at least what im doing is legal, and wont tear up my family

windysan

Wait, you LOST weight when you kicked?

that's totally unfair, dude

SlvrMag

Strange. I have not logged in to SR in a couple weeks. What I was thinking a few minutes ago was how it would feel right now to blow a pipe and take a few deep, long....well, nevermind.

Anyways, that thinking of mine is what told me I should come check in to SR and this thread was the first one I clicked on. Thank you.

meganl

Yep, I definitely agree with you about the ritual is just as addicting as the actual using of the drug. I was hooked on the thrill of getting the drug (in my case anything opiate) and crushing it into a line and then snorting it. I liked that part alone. And I missed that for a long time. It gave me something to do. So, yeah I do agree with that and I have thought about that before. CONGRATS on getting clean, that is the biggest step! I am proud of you and keep doing the next right thing!

miamary05

Hey party, Congrats! and keep up the good work!!

I also loved the ritual of snorting my Doc.. opening the bags,making the lines, getting the drip, it was so weird.. before I got my hands on my doc I felt so awful.. Once I knew I was getting something and it was in my hands it was like I was already high.. Like Aysha said it was my security blanket.. But I defiantly know all about being hooked on the needle.. my brother injects.. we use to get high together and I always wanted to try the needle to see if I would feel it more.. He would never let me and told me that I would end up loving the needle more than the drug itself..So I totally understand.. But I am happy to say today that being clean is the best high ever!! and you are right.. in order to fix it you have to know what you are fixing..

Keep up the good work party.. I have been reading your post since day one and its good to hear your still going strong!! Great Job and keep posting

crzylilmndfreak

that last line, "in order to fix it you have to know what you are fixing" really stood out to me...its like crazy is defined by doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results...you have to admit to take a step back ,and ask ourself how far gone are you really are into your addiction, and if its continuing by doing these "rituals" as i do ... not throwing stones here...i think the addict may not be in "full recovery" of their DOC, or any kind.. basic "trash can junkie" here, AND alcoholic,.... its tough as hell, ive been sober now from alcohol, (taken a few pills since) 18 months, and i am struggling like hell

xpartyeee

HELLO EVERYONE! WOW THANKS FOR GETTING THIS THREAD YOU ALL ROCK! I didnt know if it would work but it seems like it is and that is a great thing. So thanks again for everyone that shared. Ok had a really good day again. Finished training with my job so that is my positive note. Alright so there is no doubt I am an addict. I am fully aware. I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Fully in tune with all my emotions, desires, wants, then needs. So lets focus on the needs. I don't need dope. I don't need the pain. I don't need the heartache. I don't need the constant cycle of make it break it start over if I don't die this time around. (I mean seriously how many years can I stay lucky before I end up in jail or dead) I think the 15 years I have contibuted is long enough. I guess for me I had to go through these cycles to get to I don't want and ENOUGH!!! I think it will be very hard for anyone to truely want to become and stay clean until they can get to the awareness of how bad the high really is. It maybe a sudden gratification but come on IS IT WORTH THE HEII THAT SHORTLY FELLOWS. Is it worth the pain you bring to everyone and everything around! Everyone has had pain with drugs there is no way you can't take that pain take it out of the barried place in your heart and bring it to the surface the next time you get an URGE! This is what happens for me. I use too get and still do will probably forever get that saliva in the mouth the tickle in the back of the throat the tingle in your upper lip you know that 5 secs of euphoria but now I realate it to the pain the loss of everything the loss of all my friends the pain of family the loss of relationship the loss of job All the good things I threw away All the Money I pis@ed Away the 1000's gone for what. When I do this that tingle Turns to a DULL EMPTY FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH! Then think abut Every Person I HURT Along the way and then I feel like I want to Through Up and Cry! You wanna stay Clean you want a new life The Easiest thing to help you is instead of remembering the good remember the BAD and it should keep you away. There isn't enough good things from drugs to ever overcome the BAD!!!! NEVER EVER!!! Well Remember life is a gift and not a given right... (These are just thoughts and opinions what works for me may not work for others but you can never have too much knowledge or sources of hope) Thanks for listening Everyone!!!!!!:ghug3

Vintersemestre

Well according to some people I'm still "using" because I have a medical condition beyond my control even though I never get high and hardly ever think about stuff like this 'til I come here heh.

crzylilmndfreak

i totally disagree with the "still in addiction" thing about PRESCRIBED meds... i am on a lot of different meds, and i think as long as you dont abuse them, take more than prescribed, or taking it just to get a high,t that it is absolutely fine.