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Originally Posted by freshstart57
(Post 3805306)
Well, there is a lot of discussion on this whole separation / nondual thing about AVRT. I agree that at first, I treated my AV like an ex GF who lied and cheated and made a fool of me, exactly as alcohol did. Total separation. Scorched earth. I don't see you, I don't hear you, I will never ever give you a glance or so much as the time of day again. You call me or try to contact me, I will just smile to myself and hang up. I am coming to a more integrated holistic understanding now, that my AV is something I just accept now. I think I might have worded my post better, so let me try again. To learn how to live without alcohol, we must learn to treat ourselves with kindness and care, and teach ourselves to do what is right for us, not what our AV demands. I'm starting to see more clearly how drinking is another form of self harm. Many years ago I did used to self harm very badly in the classic sense - cutting etc, I stopped that. Do you know what? Probably with something very similar to this, just deciding and choosing not to do it anymore. That probably reached a rock bottom of sorts, but there was a time where I had to consciously choose not to do it even though I wanted to. Now it doesn't cross my mind to do it, it's just something I don't do. BUT have carried on self harming in another form - drinking. Hmmm. More thinking making me think lol |
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
(Post 3805380)
My AV is the voice of my Beast, and my Beast sure as hell ain't my inner child, lol. To each their own though. I haven't ever humanised or given a personality to my Beast/AV. Slippery slope in getting cozy or otherwise feeling "satisfied" with my AV. I'm indifferent, mentally and emotionally, to the nth degree with my AV. I use AVRT to recognise it, and then I forget about it, and get on with whatever. AV is a perfectly normal part of my thinking of course, and I don't see any need to give it any recognition whatsoever except its the mouthpiece of my Beast.
Originally Posted by bemyself
(Post 3805389)
yeh I agree with aspects of treating IT as (good old fashioned) 'baser desires' (God, I feel like someone outta the 19th century :-)). And I agree with the stuff about learning to treat my adult self better - duh, at not far off 60!! But, I also figure RobbyR's point about extending the metaphor of the inner child could get dangerous. Well, for me, it would. Just keep up that exercise machine and the cups o tea MTN -AND keep on telling your littly 'no!' to her dear little tantrums. I had twins (now 33 y.o.) and I reckon I'm still slightly hearing impaired / brain damaged from not so much their toddler age tanties, but the ones they threw much later in their lives. LOL plus wry grin.... Getting on the Cross trainer in a bit. Ohhhh I know being a parent never gets any easier, well I kind of hoped it would by say? 18/19?! Sons behaviour yesterday was so out of character, we'll get through it. It's a very difficult age. I have to step up my game for him more. How are you getting on without the wine? Good I hope :) |
Originally Posted by applecake
(Post 3806385)
What a fantastic thread! Thanks, MTN, for getting it started, and thanks to everyone who has contributed to the conversation. AVRT makes more sense to me every time I am able to read through conversations like this, and I really appreciate that everyone on this thread has been so respectful of one another and good about moving the conversation forward. Regarding CBT and loving oneself, I've been working my way through a book I've found to be really helpful in addressing my years-long "need" to beat myself up--which led to drinking, which led to beating myself up more, which led to more drinking, and so on... It is David Burns' Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It is astonishing to me how many of my thought-processes have been addressed in this book! And, as I said last night in chat, it wasn't until I learned to be kind to myself that I ever got any handle on sobriety. I've also learned that I tend to do my best meditating while exercising. I feel the best release through meditation on the elliptical trainer, probably since I'm not having to worry about 1) tripping, 2) stepping in something nasty, or 3) getting mugged on pre-dawn walks or a) getting a charlie horse while engaging in the downward dog. In other words, it's a relatively safe place to let my mind do its thing. But the walks and yoga are good, too! I have some headphones arriving today hopefully to use whilst on the cross trainer, it's a bit of a dinosaur and the constant squeak/thunk/squeak/thunk doesn't bode well for relaxation or thinking time! In fact it drives me a bit mental! Right I better get on with my day and start with my phonecalls... |
Just going to vent away at myself for a couple of minutes. Anxiety and Beast activity going through the roof. I'm shaking. I'm waiting on a phonecall back from the school which will be at lunchtime or before if the teacher doesn't have a class, so anytime now. It's going to be upsetting bringing it all up. I hate waiting for things at the best of times. My AV has suggested popping out to the shop - you have your mobile - that way you can have a glug of something to calm yourself down. Yeah stupid idea, shut up! I'm going to pace the room a la man outside labour ward. And breathe. |
So I've done it. I've made my Big Plan. Out of the blue, just now. Yes I had kind of done it before, but there was still the ambivalence, the - what's different this time? the self doubt. 2 weeks sober today (but who's counting ;) ) lot's of positive things and help for my son on the horizon. I've picked up DD from nursery and just danced to MC Hammer with her with the biggest smile on my face. I feel confident and positive. Best of all, I really don't feel that afraid any more. Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this? Yes. |
Originally Posted by freshstart57
(Post 3805306)
Well, there is a lot of discussion on this whole separation / nondual thing about AVRT. I agree that at first, I treated my AV like an ex GF who lied and cheated and made a fool of me, exactly as alcohol did. Total separation. Scorched earth. I don't see you, I don't hear you, I will never ever give you a glance or so much as the time of day again. You call me or try to contact me, I will just smile to myself and hang up. I am coming to a more integrated holistic understanding now, that my AV is something I just accept now. I think I might have worded my post better, so let me try again. To learn how to live without alcohol, we must learn to treat ourselves with kindness and care, and teach ourselves to do what is right for us, not what our AV demands. Do I treat myself with more kindness and care without ethanol flowing through my veins some of the time? Well, when I used to drink, I tried very hard to take care of myself and put on a good face of health and cheer to others. I thought trying to figure out how to enjoy the deep pleasure of booze and not get in trouble WAS taking care and being as kind as possible to myself. YUK!! So, I see it as a loaded question my AV is dying for me to mull over. Anything that suggests not drinking requires or even ought to imply any particular living condition is AV. |
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this? |
Originally Posted by soberlicious
(Post 3807776)
The AV is predictable that's for sure ;) I've already had - but you made the decision after good news from DS school and dancing with DD - you weren't in your 'right' mind (happy), you can't make the decision on a one off. Pffffft. DS came home, we cooked and ate chicken fajitas together and had a good chat. Maybe not happy but certainly more content. I'll settle for that. |
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow
(Post 3807544)
So I've done it. I've made my Big Plan. Out of the blue, just now. Yes I had kind of done it before, but there was still the ambivalence, the - what's different this time? the self doubt. 2 weeks sober today (but who's counting ;) ) lot's of positive things and help for my son on the horizon. I've picked up DD from nursery and just danced to MC Hammer with her with the biggest smile on my face. I feel confident and positive. Best of all, I really don't feel that afraid any more. Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this? Yes. |
How are you going jkb??? It's early morning of Sat. 9th here in Aus, so I'm guessing your weekend (Friday?) is underway. I'm cheering for you:c011: |
I made it... Thanks for thinking of me. :tyou |
Morning guys :) I haven't been back to this thread much as well... I haven't read much more! Feeling a bit worried as I feel like I am losing my mojo somewhat. I picked up the book last night and thought I fed up with thinking about not drinking all the time. Promptly put it down and picked up a crappy, predictable, no thought required murder mystery instead. Maybe I'm over thinking it, maybe it's not alcohol related at all, maybe I'm just having a couple of bleh days. But that makes me think I should be on my guard more than ever. Bleh and Meh. Maybe I should stop thinking completely and just get on with stuff. Yes, doing my own head in again! |
Maybe I should stop thinking completely and just get on with stuff M |
Originally Posted by mecanix
(Post 3812718)
doing stuff that takes me out of myself works for me :) M I might need to make myself a timetable if this carries on. Sounds a bit hardcore lol but once in Meh mode, I struggle to get up, out and actually start anything. DS has just watched cartoons with DD so I could have a bath and just relax some. Seems to have worked. Off out now, just spoken to my Mum and as we thought on the weekend thread... yup... she is suffering a bit right now. I've told her I'll clean the kitchen and she can watch a film with the kids. Peace for me and peace for her. It's a win win lol. Later everybody :) |
I'm going to stop over analyzing every single feeling I have. Still at home with a very poorly household, chances are I'm just feeling a bit meh and bleh because I'm actually not feeling very well myself! Durrrr! Practically bathing in antibac handwash to keep strong and well for the both of them this evening.... I'm sure it won't make a difference now, but it could be worse, at least I'm not thinking about drinking it lol. |
Mtn- Oh how you sound like me... lol. Last night was thinking that I am thinking too much. That made me think even more. Then I was thinking that not thinking about it I would probably be quick to drink...now that is all AV. I mean really? Why can't I just move forward and do stuff like you said. Oh well, we are sober... that's huge, jkb |
Originally Posted by jkb
(Post 3813032)
Mtn- Oh how you sound like me... lol. Last night was thinking that I am thinking too much. That made me think even more. Then I was thinking that not thinking about it I would probably be quick to drink...now that is all AV. I mean really? Why can't I just move forward and do stuff like you said. Oh well, we are sober... that's huge, jkb I'm feeling quite rubbish at the moment and I know whatever the kids have is going to hit me later. That has stopped the AV dead in it's tracks at least. Every cloud! Both kids are asleep here now (almost 5pm) so I'm going to take the time to listen to freshstart's mindfulness meditation link whilst I have the chance. I've decided to listen every morning on my phone before I get out of bed. It's such a revelation to me that I can concentrate on something other than the whirlwind that is my mind! |
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow
(Post 3813054)
It's such a revelation to me that I can concentrate on something other than the whirlwind that is my mind! It's great , M |
Originally Posted by mecanix
(Post 3813064)
If you keep on and learn and practaice you can do it any time you like :) It's great , M I just tried again, but I'm feeling so sick at the moment it made me feel dizzy :( I think I'll just go for a lie down instead whilst everybody else is sleeping. |
After reading so many books on alcoholism, I am constantly worried that I am over thinking things; that I am simply procrastinating; and that I am creating a bigger problem for myself. |
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