I don't think I can stay at SR anymore
 

I'm not sure if it makes sense for me to post this, but I didn't want anyone to think I was dead if you don't hear from me. I've been trying really hard since December to get my drinking under control after it began to spiral downward pretty fast. I came here, went to AA and got a sponsor, and made it 30 days without a drink. The thing is, I still want to drink.

I've been trying to keep in touch here because I love the supportive atmosphere, but I feel that it's not the right place for someone who doesn't have the desire to quit or stay sober. I'll probably still check in because I'll miss some of you.

I've read a lot of information on the internet that suggests that there is a difference between a person suffering from true alcoholism and someone who has struggled with an alcohol problem and can change their behaviour. Even the Big Book says in reference to changing the habit,
"That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were."

I know so many of you are going to say "call your sponsor and go to a meeting" and "this feeling will pass" but I don't want to right now. I am using some of the step work to make changes in my life and I'm praying a lot. But I'm also having a drink now and then. I'm trying to be reasonable and it gives me confidence that my problem is not beyond repair.

I promise that I'm not drinking into oblivion nor do I ever drink when I'm sad or mad (in those cases I write, or read the Bible, or bawl my eyes out - I know I need to deal with my real emotions). I know I need to be vigilant and honest with myself knowing that I have the strength to ask for help again if I need it. I truly hope that you will understand my feelings and not bash this post (although I'm prepared to hear it and you will not hurt me!). I just wanted to let you know what was happening in my life.

Have fun.

AA has a requirement.... you are seeking answers.

SR has a requirement... you are respectful of others.

I see that you fit both areas very well. You are very kind and respectful and you are seeking answers. I would say that makes you welcome at AA and it will always have you be welcome here.
If you look at it this way....

By staying around on SR, you can gather info so if such a day comes that you do feel you want to stop, you alreaqdy have much of the info that will help you on the journey.

Your always welcome here. Don't feel you need go because of your want for the wine.

We'll be here, WL, if you need support or if you just want to hang with the good folks on SR.

Best wishes to you and yours.

You might find Moderation Management useful: http://moderation.org/ It doesn't work for everyone, but it's a group that exists to support people who seek to drink moderately after having abused alcohol.
By the way, I don't believe there is any such thing as a 'true alcoholic' or a 'real alcoholic'. In his book Addiction, Change, and Choice, Vince Fox lists 18 different definitions of alcoholism. There's no consistency to what people -- including experts -- describe as alcoholism, and the definition in the Big Book is just one of many.
Discussing your ambivalence about drinking/quitting would be very useful, since practically everyone who quits has similar mixed feelings about it. Maybe over in the Alcoholism forum.
Otherwise, thanks for being honest and don't be a stranger.
Don S

Like others said, we'll still be here for you!! For me, the desire to drink was not lifted until I worked the steps. Just be careful and stay safe. Keep searching for the answers and what is right for you.

What does worry me, is that "normal" drinkers can take it or leave it. They really don't crave a drink, like alcoholics do. This could just be your minds way of messing with you. Telling you one won't hurt - I can control this - I'm not an alcoholic. Been there, have had those thoughts and still do occasionally.

Do what's right for you and find your way.
Hugs,
Missy

Yeah I second what best says, why leave here or AA, stick around and we can support each other.

Now of course you have to answer these posts and then ......

Kevin

(((((((((( WL)))))))))))

You need to do what is right for you my friend :) We will still be here to hang with if you get lonely, or just want to share whats happening in your life.

Thank you very much for sharing how you feel , and what is happening, I am honoured to have met you , and hope that you still post from time to time, and of course , if you ever need our support

Go well WL

HUGX
Lee xxxxxxx

ps I am very sad to see you go , I will miss ya

Enjoy your life...:approve:
Take care

Thanks Winelover,

You know where to find us.

Hey winelover,im ditto-ing what Best posted.

Winelover my friend. Im not the boss around here but Im telling you. You cant leave us. We/I need you. I need your kind words. I need your wisdom.
From one person working hard on themself to another.
You have become my friend and I dont give you permission to leave. LOL
Dont make me swim to France and find you.
Max

Don't Go!
 

winelover - I for one certainly hope you don't leave. I love your posts and what you have to say.

I'm not here to judge you. You're life is your own. Some people cannot moderate their drinking. Some people can. I've tried it and I can't . It doesn't mean you can't. Beside, who am I, or anyone here, to tell you you can't? The AAers here should tell you that you should do what works for you, they can tell you what helped them but be ok with whatever works for you.

You DO belong here. You are working on changing your life and we are here to support you in whatever decisions you make.

~doll

Winelover, you are a dear and if you're not around here you will be missed. :sad2:

From what I've seen, you've come a long way and have gained wisdom which you're using to make excellent changes in your own life, and to help others. You are honest, and you've found and continue to seek ways to make your life what it's meant to be. I so admire you!

Blessings to you,
Jane

Hi Winelover,

Others have expressed most of my feelings pretty well. Please stick around!

Each person here who can offer their individule experiences is an asset. Your threads and posts have been wonderful, and I hope you continue to share your journey with us.

Steve

I have not met anyone where the desire to drink had left in 30 days. I would sit at meetings and HATE and disbelive the people who claimed they had been sober for a few years and had no desire to drink. Today, I have no desire to drink. That came in time through working the steps rigourously and honestly. You just keep coming. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

AS for that big book quote, oh yes I've read that and I've been in the middle of a meeting thinking..."That could be me!" But you know what, I didn't pick up and things got better and I started to remember more about the way my life used to be the longer I stayed sober. Things I had convienently forgot about had come to the surface to remind me that I was NEVER a social drinker. In fact, when I sat around thinkin about that quote, I suddenly realized, "What was it about my thinking that even made me to try to think my way into being ok with having a drink?" Yes, my alcoholism. Don't forget there is a reason you went to the halls of AA. Only you can come to terms with Step 1, but just remember that 30 days is probably not alot of time to be making any decisions. Ask youself why you don't want to call your sponsor, why you're backing away from SR.

Lastly, I do understand how you are feeling. I used to also think "Hmmm maybe I can live the steps and still drink here and there.." But then I quickly remember that social drinkers don't even THINK about booze like I do. The mere fact that you're putting so much thought into how this is ok, and still repairable just reminds me how insidious this disease really is.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide it's ultimately your choice. But just remember, your sponsor, meetings, and SR will be there is your way doesn't work.

Anna

That concept of the "desire to quit or stay sober", or do I desire to keep using, has MESSED with my head on a daily basis since I realized that there are problems in my life associated with my use. I have convinced myself, also on a near daily basis, that I don't desire to quit, that I can use in moderation and that using actually has beneficial results! And then I look at it from the other side and see all the complications using creates. If that preoccupation/ obsession with using drugs weren't omnipresent, if I could use in moderation like someone who isn't an addict, this would not be an issue. I suppose that's the question you need to answer, if your desire to leave your support/ cessation thought-process-centers in SR and AA and resume drinking is based in the reality that you aren't an addict, or if the desire is your own mind creating a reality that allows you to drink without having to think about it and its repercussions. You did write your life had "begun to spiral downward pretty fast," and that was only a few months ago. What has changed?

See, I just can't stay away from here.
This question is very thought provoking:
Part of the reason for not posting on SR is that I read in another thread that if you aren't trying to quit drinking, then you don't belong here. How can I, in good faith, give advice to someone about not drinking? I surely am not going to advocate moderation since that's not the point of this forum, and who would even discuss it if I brought up the topic?

The AA part is a little more tricky, and I don't want to get into it here. I don't think that it makes sense to call anyone to tell them that I'm having a drink and they can't stop me. I felt a little bad when my sponsor told me that neither she nor her sponsor nor this person and that person and on and on ever had to test the waters of moderation and that I would be throwing away the gift of "only getting sober once". So now I feel like that bridge is burned to go crawling back if things get crazy later. To her I'm a loser.


A LOT!! AA and SR has opened my eyes to many things I didn't recognize about myself before. I've made changes in the way I do things, and I actually think more now. I know there's room for improvement but like I hear with sobriety, it's progress not perfection. Who knows, maybe this is my slow path to sobriety. My body and mind feel better so I know I'm doing something good for myself.

I'll be around.

Good because I think you are a very nice person.

:biggthump I'm glad you're here!:bigok:


:grouphug:

winelover,

I sent you a pm a while back but never heard from you. It's okay. No matter what you are always welcome here and I love reading your posts. Your discovery is yours and you have to decide what is going to work for you. I'm sure as he!! not going to sit on my high horse and tell you what is best for you cuz my best thinking got me into a world of compost. I'm grateful for having got to know you a bit on SR and everyone is going to have an opinion - posted or not - but it doesn't mean those opinions are the law. You DO belong here as you are commited to discovery and healing. Your discovery and healing are your own - whatever is working for you works... whatever doesn't then hopefully you (like all of us) will learn from it and gain insight on another path.

I think you are a very nice person too. :) Stick around.

Suga

Wow! They travel in a rarefied crowd.

Um, I don't think it's like virginity....
Good!
Don S

Well whoever said that about SR clearly doesn't know what they're talking about. When did you decide to make them an authority in your life? :)
You see it in AA all the time. People go to meetings messed up. People say from the podium, "If you're new or just coming back or even if you're drunk right now, it doesn't matter. Just keep coming back. Bring the body and the mind will follow."

As for the AA part, yes it does make sense to call your sponsor before you pick up that drink. In fact, you ARE supposed to call them before, not after. But if it's already been done, you still call, you still go to meetings, that's if you still want to be sober. Sit back for a minute and try not to think... what does your true self deep down want? Sober life? Or drinking life? If you're sponsor told you that she doesn't know anyone who ever had to test the waters, then fine. But testing the waters is normal. The big book even challenges it... having done enough research is needed for admission of powerlesness.

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself, step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

Now I'm not suggesting drinking is the way to go, I'm just trying to say I understand your line of thinking, and where it's coming from. What your sponsor is saying is that, some people don't ever make it back. And I think she probably wanted you to just hang on for 24 hours. She was trying to give you hope, not trying to make you feel bad. But your disease might have made you think otherwise. We truly can't trust ourselves in early sobriety. I know that idea sucks, but it's mostly true. Lastly, the bridge of one alcoholic helping another is NEVER burned. You are not a loser and I'm almost 100% sure she doesn't feel that way. It's your disease talking you out of sobriety.

Anna

Suga said: "WHEW! That's a load off my mind!"

:D

Baloney! You belong here if you want to be here, so there! :09:

Well in my opinion, your experience can be very valuable to anyone who might be thinking some of things you were/are. You've had success at going 30 days without drinking--that's part of your experience. You've grown since that 30-day stretch, too--that's more of your experience. You've learned things by working some of the steps, and that's helped you. You've learned stuff in other ways, too. Moreover, you have contributed lots of genuine, honest help to others here (like me). :) Oh, and I've seen other threads discussing moderation, so I don't think that's a taboo subject.

So I'm glad you've said you'll be around!

See you later,
Jane

LMAO!!! I'll keep that in mind in case I ever "go back"

Another tricky question. I want to be different than I am. I hope it's not unattainable.

Stick around here with us!

When I was a kid, I wanted a dirt bike sooo bad. Just like my big brothers and his friends. I begged, pleaded, did extra chores, did soooo much until one day my dad brought one home for me. I was on cloud 9. I took it out and smashed it up the second day I had it trying to jump a ramp at this dirt field by my neighborhood. I went home and my Mom tried to comfort me by saying "You just need to keep trying,...you'll be able to do it soon" Like a normal child,....I said "No,....I never wanted a stupid dirtbike anyhow"

My point of that story is this. Its sounds to me like at one point, recovery was something you really wanted, something you were very serious about. But now, it seems like you had a few setbacks, and now, are acting like you dont really want sobriety anyways. Sounds sortof like a defense mechanism. Like you're trying to justify yourself giving up on sobriety. But,..if you are still doing that,...that atleast means there is some fight still left in you. Dont give up. It only gets worse. Dont do this to yourself, please.

Good luck to you! Stay safe and be true to yourself.
JMHS

Dearest (fellow[B])Winelover:

To borrow from Best;
I]AA has a requirement.... you are seeking answers.
SR has a requirement... you are respectful of others.[/I]

Greetings, brother.

My second sponsor (2nd time around out of 6) was a very wise lady. At the time she had sponsored 14 women who enjoyed at that time successful sobriety. Then she ran into me. she was always saying wonderful things like: "Honey, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth!" This lady (no other word to describe her), tried to mentor me, tried to help me become a "lady", but after awhile she said to me one day",
"Honey, you're not going to make it!" "You're not done yet". To spite her, I stayed sober for a year. What I gained in that year..(Oh great, weeping begins again), was a wealth of experience.
To borrow from Best again(Isn't he great?)

If you look at it this way....
By staying around on SR, you can gather info so if such a day comes that you do feel you want to stop, you already have much of the info that will help you on the journey

Yes, I gathered info..but more important what stands out in my mind's eye is the utter acceptance and unmatched love from my fellows, I felt it, palpable, each time I tucked my tail between my legs and limped back into these rooms. Why unmatched?
Because..other than God, my fellows understood me, this "fish out of the water".
Maybe it's because AA has no other authority than ..." a loving God as he may express himself in our presence.."
No, Winelover, I wan't done yet, not sure if I am . maybe you are not either. But I know this: These folks are here for us. Those rooms are waiting. Each time I have returned it's (Oh, I'm bawling now), it's like a homecoming. they are so happy to see me. They are so freakin' glad I'm still on the planet, and tell me so. You have earned the right to be here. You feel the love, and give it. all part of the process. I pray god keeps us both until then...

We'll keep comin' back
With no fear of lack
Or thought of attack

Love you brother:


Spungold49 from the
California south