Dry Feb
 

Hi. I’ve been a long-time lurker. First time poster. I’m doing my 1st ever dry February, so I’m 4 days sober. Alcohol is ruining my life, but I don’t even want to quit. I’m 52 & have had problems with alcohol for roughly 35 years! I’ve had increasing blackouts, embarasssing moments, several injuries, & my mental state is deteriorating along with my health & family life. I know I am an alcoholic & I need to quit, but I go in & out of denial constantly. My husband, 2 kids (21 & 18), and a couple friends have all expressed concern, worry, disappointment, fear, etc., yet I’ve continued to live in denial. I’ve become increasingly depressed & unhealthy & angry. My cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, & weight have all increased (duh!). I’m embarrassed that I have let myself get to this current state, especially when intellectually I KNOW what the root of the problem is! It’s so frustrating to have such an intense love for something (drinking) that is killing me & also making me sick more often than not! It doesn’t even make sense! But I also know that I have these feelings & internal conflicts & feelings because I am an alcoholic. I HATE that word!!! And I hate that I feel so flawed! I feel embarrassed for having this problem. THREE people have said I won’t be fun anymore since I started dry February! I hate that I cannot drink normally & that I will be considered boring without alcohol. Thanks for reading.

Hi and welcome. I can relate and am a similar age. I think sometimes we need to get a good few sober days before we start to feel better. I know I do. First 3 or 4 days are rough but it really does get better. I'm the same, female and devloping health issues. Probably had them as while but as I get older they are visible and apparent and will only get worse.

Regarding friends, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about what they think we will be like sober. That's not really our issue. I have to avoid fiends who drink though in these ealry days and any drinking places. It's just too tempting.

I go to online SMART meetings which I love. They don't use terms like alcoholic or addict and don't focus on the past. It's all about looking forward, learning new coping skills and behaviours and becoming healthy.

Hello Hiding. Well done on 4 days sober. That's a good start. I understand your feelings about being in denial and not liking the word alcoholic. And other peoples opinions do come into the picture whether we like it or not and a lot of people who know nothing of alcoholism see alcoholics in a pretty dim light to say the least. It's taken me a long time to be strong enough to get over that. You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic of course and those SMART meetings sound good though I've never tried them myself. I thought at one time that Alcohol Use Disorder sounded better than Alcoholic but then read that my level of use disorder meant that I had Severe Alcohol Use Disorder which I decided sounded just as bad.

So now I just accept that I've got some disorder which could be called alcoholism and I have my own thoughts as to what that means to me. It's taken me a long time and a lot of strength to get here.. I feel now that people who see us as less than they are are in fact, just ignorant people. They don't know and I have to accept that, just as there are a lot of things I know nothing about and am quite ignorant of.

Anyway, hope you'll keep posting. By the way, I'm in my 60's and have had problems with alcohol for longer than you, so you're not alone.

Hi and welcome hiding8 :)

A lot of people who join up here wish desperately that they were normal drinkers.
I did too - but I’m not.

When others stopped drinking and went home, I was just starting….

I hated looking at myself in the eyes in the mirror. I hated what I saw but I hated what was inside more.

I’d been drinking so long I forgot this was not the real me.

This place helped me accept what I was and what I had to do if I wanted to get back to the real me, and the kind of happy peaceful yet fun life I wanted.

I hope you stick around :)

D

Three people told you won't be fun anymore? Time to ditch them and find new friends that will encourage you to get healthier than being more funny.

My mind has got so clear in the last one sober year.. more assertive, confident, guilt free and positive. You can get the same benefits and more if you persist by the day..one day at a time.

Hi Hiding,

I know exactly how you feel. Like you, my health began to deteriorate over the years as I got older. Almost 60 years old and my body just couldn’t handle alcohol as well as it used to. Had to face the fact that things were getting worse health wise.

Decided to quit not only for myself, but for my family. Hopefully you will be successful in controlling this disease we have.

Thanks for reaching out. There’s lots of support here.

:grouphug:

Hello Hiding8, I don't think you're in denial. I think you know that alcohol is damaging your body and your relationships, yet you are choosing to drink anyway... at least until 4 days ago, and congrats on that!

I used to say "denial-like" things to myself, to try and make it feel inevitable that I keep drinking, but I was like you, I knew deep down all the problems that alcohol was causing me.

What tipped the scales for me, from thinking about it into taking action, was having a hard look at my life and realizing that the good parts of alcohol weren't worth the bad parts. More than that, in order to keep drinking, I had to deliberately violate all the values that I liked to say were important to me. Things like being responsible, honest, and loyal to my loved ones. Once I realized that drinking didn't let me be the kind of person I wanted to be, it felt like time to quit.

I missed the "fun" parts for a while, but now I realize that even the "fun" parts were pretty bad. I lied to myself, and told myself that the fun parts were AMAZING, and irreplaceable, and awesome, but those were basically just lies I told myself so that I could keep drinking.

Now, in retrospect, the "fun" parts were actually inseparable from things like blackouts, lies, hangovers, falling down, and embarrassing myself. Not much "fun," truth be told.

I'm sorry those people said unhelpful things to you. I don't know why they said what they said, but it crosses my mind that it's the kind of thing that drinkers often say to a fellow drinker, to make it okay that they keep up with their own drinking. Like, if you quit drinking, then they might have to confront the role of alcohol in their own lives. But as I said, I can't know what's really behind their comments.

Helpful and thoughtful post Radix. Thx.

I consider myself alcoholic because

1) I have an almost allergic type reaction to alcohol. Its not that I will always drink too, too much and/or act crazy. Its that I can't control how much I will drink or how I will behave. Its not I got drunk and crazy a few times and learned my lesson. Once I pick up a drink its a time bomb. Pretty much once I have just one swig I am in for a pretty long session of drinking. Even it usually just results in flopping on the couch and being useless and stupid for a while.

2) I have a mental obsession with alcohol. If I had a shellfish allergy I could probably go to red lobster and order a steak. I wouldnt need a meeting, I wouldn't need the support of others with shellfish allergies. Generally people with allergies avoid things that they are allergic to.

This is a mental illness to have a desire to consume a substance that I know is going to cause me harm.

The big book of AA talks about a person that has an obsession to jaywalk in front of cars. Its like first they break an arm and learn their lesson. Then the obsession to jaywalk strikes again. They break a leg and swear they will never do that again. Then they get out of the hospital and jaywalk yet again and break their back. (My account may be off from the BB). Anyway you see how alcoholics are similar?

We go somewhere and completely act like a fool. I will control my drinking that will never happen again. Then its a DWI. Then ita a trashed relationship. Another DWI, a fight, an arrest, God forbid some accident where someone is injured or killed.

Alcoholism is not our fault but it is our responsibility. I turn into a psychopath but that is my name on the drivers license. My finger prints on the arrest record. My bank card that is legally accessed.

If you are struggling mightily with idea of never touching alcohol again. If you have trouble picturing a life without alcohol. If you think your case is much different then the rest of us. Nobody will quite understand you. You may not realize just how in the right place you are right now.

I suggest get to know this forum well. Consider AA and/or other treatment as well. Don't worry about what is further ahead. Don't fantasize about drinking sometime down the road but don't fear not drinking ever again either. Don't worry about later days right now we only have today. You do not have to drink today.

Welcome, Hiding! I'm so glad you found us & wanted to share what's going on.

I was feeling the same way years ago when I first came here. I'd been drinking for 30 yrs. & it was part of everything I did. I knew it wasn't sustainable - very bad things began to happen. Because I didn't quit when I should have, my world fell apart. This doesn't need to happen to you.

I hope you'll keep reading & posting here. We all understand what you're going through, the way others can't. I had people tell me I should just have 'one or two' when I went out - I didn't have to quit all together. Trying to manage the amounts I was drinking proved impossible. There was never any 'one' drink for me. Once I finally admitted that, I was able to move forward. SR was a huge part of getting sober for me - mainly because I didn't feel alone anymore. We're glad you're here.

I have called myself an alcoholic quite a few times. I don't love it but it's just a label. At this point I don't even care what label gets put on it.

I didn't want to quit at all either. Like you, I had problems... embarrassing situations, shame, guilt, remorse, health issues. I loved drinking though. I loved the anticipation, the smell, the taste, the effect, the bars, beer, wine, liquor. I loved it all. Call me crazy, but I even liked parts of being hungover.

I've read on here that sobriety is not a punishment. So even though I didn't get to the point where there was no joy left in it, I had to accept that enough is enough. I'm trying to stay grateful for the fact that I get the opportunity to make my life better.

The social aspect is hard. I'm just not going to engage with people who can't support what I know I need to do. I don't need to give any explanations. I figure if I drink myself to death or die in an act of extreme self-hatred, they wouldn't get to hang out with me at all anyway.

Welcome! I'm joining you for a sober February.

That's such an amazing point Reckless - it's not our fault but it is our responsibility. thanks for sharing that

Thank you all for the replies so far. I appreciate the encouragement & words of wisdom, especially from people who “get it”. I’m getting ready to go to a dinner & concert in the city on a Saturday night. I won’t be drinking, & I already feel “bummed out”. I’m not excited or happy. I feel like a spoiled child!

It took me a while to get used to doing things sober, but now I'm quite happy to not drink. :)

A lot of people are in two minds about Dry January or Dry February. For a normal drinker, it’s probably a good thing. For a problem drinker, though, it’ll be no more than a drop in the ocean, hanging on for four weeks, knowing there’s free flowing alcohol at the end. The likes of us can’t moderate our drinking. At the end of the dry month, the drinking will be as bad as before, if not worse. No doubt at all that you’re alcohol dependent, Hiding8, and the only way to manage that is to quit for good.

Someone posted an academic journal article here that said, people who take part in Dry Feb, etc.,often want to continue into March, and onwards, because they get a taste of the benefits. I hope this is true for you.

The 3 people who say you will be boring as a non drinking are really boring. Maybe they don't like looking at there own relationship with alcohol either. :)

Hiding - It does feel a little strange at first. I knew what had to be done, but I was resentful. I was a bit disoriented & had to get past the idea that something was missing. I realize now it was ridiculous to feel that way - in the end, drinking was bringing me nothing but misery & anxiety. I had convinced myself life would be very dull without it. It's a lie we tell ourselves. After a period of adjustment (which is different for everyone) life is so much better when we're our authentic selves.

Hiding, You are in the right place. Welcome.

I could not see myself embracing a sober lifestyle when I first came here, either. Ten years later, I did. You can learn from our mistakes and succeed now- just open your mind and let the words sink in. Alcohol is a lie and it will drag your life into the dirt, but once you stop drinking, your whole world gets better. It takes a commitment to yourself, and you obviously are here for that reason. Congrats on day 4!

Oh, as for those “friends” who say that you will be no fun, it will be you finding them less than entertaining, trust me on that.

Welcome!

If you've been drinking for 35 years, trying to stop drinking by yourself is going to to be extremely difficult.

Reading and posting daily on this website, and joining a monthly sobriety class on this thread (February 2023 at this point) will help. I finally quit drinking at about the same age you now. Before that I was a successful professional who denied my drinking problem. I fooled everybody, but I didn't fool my body. At a certain age, the body just says "enough" and physically things start to go hell. It sounds like you're experiencing the start of that.

In addition to this website, face to face support was very helpful for me. For me, that support was AA and I had resisted that option forever. But my wife took me to the hospital for a physical detox (after a 3 day bender over a long weekend). I was admitted for 3 days to help me physically detox. In the hospital I attended my first ever AA meeting, and it was such a relief to see other "normal" looking people at the meeting, who also happened to have a drinking problem. And the Dr. who treated me told me that he was an AA member. That was not my stereotype of what an alcoholic was, and it made an impact on me. When I was discharged, I decided to give AA a try on my own. That, plus this website were key to helping me to finally become sober.

I've now been sober for almost 13 years and life is good. I no longer go to AA meetings and haven't gone in years. But I'm thankful for the face to face support from peers in the program, who helped me start on my sobriety journey.

Welcome to the forum. Like you, I quit drinking when I was 52. That was 27 years ago, and it's been a wonderful 27 years without drinking, so it's not too late. I agree that alcoholic is an ugly word. I've accepted it now as just a physical disability, but before I did that, I was just like the rest of society with a ignorant preconception of what an alcoholic was, and I was in denial because the idea of being one sounded abhorrent to me. I could have remained one for longer except the years of drinking and me thinking I was just a guy who enjoyed drinking turned in to a sudden downward accelerating spiral that went from me being a happy alcoholic in denial to living a hideous nightmare.

Like Zebra, I went to AA after seeing 3 different counselors and struggling without getting anywhere. AA was the only alternative way back then in my small town, and believe me, I didn't want to go. I still believe that the AA approach is wrong for many people, but it has also helped many. But the community was most helpful and became a much needed support group where I met people who had been sober for 20+ years and were sincerely happy. That got my attention and I realized I could be happy sober too.

I worked out my own program, borrowing ideas from AA, reading about other approaches, and information I got from open discussions with people in the AA community. It worked, and I remember that first AA meeting where an old timer said that total abstinence should be the goal, rather than learning to control your drinking. That night I set my goal on total abstinence, because the dream of controlling my drinking I had long ago realized I could never do. And of course that turned out to be common knowledge among all alcoholics in successful recovery. I had been without a drink for 5 days, and I had been climbing the walls at that first meeting, but the cravings were soon to run their course, and my total commitment to never drinking again seems to be the place where I turned the corner and started to get well.

I hope this will be a new beginning for you. The rewards in sobriety are too wonderful to ignore. It will be worth your effort, I promise.

Day 5
 

Thank you for the replies! I have read & re-read them all! It’s very encouraging & motivating.

When I said I’ve drank for 35 years, it was not continuous, & I have never gone on benders or had withdrawals. I’ve been a binge drinker & in the past 5 years have drank about 4-5 days per week. Most issues have arose in the past 10 years. (Family arguments, injuries, & now mild health issues that I can totally fix!) Interestingly, it wasn’t difficult at all for me to quit on Feb 1. It feels more like a downer because I can’t partake. I keep thinking about drinking, but I wouldn’t call it craving. I had a fun Saturday night out with my husband last night & it was easy to not drink, but I felt a little like I was missing out.
I feel ridiculous for not just committing to recovery, rather than “Dry February”. Especially when I’m not having a horrible time or suffering cravings or withdrawals….I still don’t want to give it up permanently. I don’t know how to force myself to want this. I feel like I’m trying to talk myself into quitting. This is why I say I go in & out of denial. I KNOW I have a problem, but I often think it’s not that bad. I keep reminding myself of the negative consequences of my drinking, & forget them right after! Regardless, I’m sticking to my Dry February for now, & reading lots here.
Speaking of this site, I’ve actually been reading for years (maybe 5 or more??). Finally created an account last summer & finally made my 1st post yesterday! Just since making this post, I’ve felt different in some way….maybe some strength from all of you! Thank you!

Which one is true? Really bad or not that bad?

Whatever you decide we are rooting for you. I'm like you. One day ITS GOTTA STOP and a few sunny days later I'm justifying it. Hope that did not sound judgy. I need advice at the moment and shouldn't be giving it. Good luck to you.

I think you don't need to label yourself an alcoholic if you don't want to...if alcohol is causing a problem then the solution is to not drink alcohol.

I would guess that every one of us did NOT want to quit. I tried every moderate-drinking trick in the books...every count-my-drinks-only-drink-on-weekends-stick-to-wine little hacks I could come up with. I wasn't going on benders and I didn't get a DUI and no one was telling me to quit...but internally I was a mess. Miserable, angry, despondent, depressed, anxious. Mostly angry. At everyone and everything.

It was time. I could have kept on playing the, "I'm not that bad," tape - but I was that bad. I was drinking more frequently, earlier in the day, drinking more, drinking because, "Everything is more fun when I drink," and because it was a habit that I had created by years of doing it. I could see the drain. I was heading in that direction and it was time.

I hope you get there sooner rather than later. It's a whole heckofalot better to not drink. So much better.

It's possible it isn't that bad. Obviously, the information you get here will be in regards to recovery from alcoholism. We are alcoholics, not the Temperance Union trying to stop everyone from drinking. And none of us are in a position to diagnose you as an alcoholic. I went to AA for months, never identifying myself as an alcoholic, because I wasn't sure. I just knew my life was going down the drain because I drank too much, and I wasn't able to control it. That was both laughable and sad, but it describes just one aspect of our condition that we must come to terms with. Early on in my drinking, I may have been justified and easily able to take on recovery, but I don't know because I never did. I just kept drinking, and for most of us, alcoholism is a slow creeping disability. Others are alcoholics the minute the race starts once the gate opens.

Without making any accusations or diagnostics, you are processing your situation exactly the way I did for many years before I finally owned up to my situation. Years before I quit, I would wonder if I might be an alcoholic, thinking that if I ever got that bad I would quit. I suppose non alcoholics might do that too. But I am certain beyond a shadow that answering this question should be a priority in anyone's life. Right now, I will just wish you success in whatever you do, and whatever decisions you make. And it goes without saying that you are welcome here.

"I feel ridiculous for not just committing to recovery, rather than “Dry February”.

You don't need to. All you need to do is "take it one day at a time" and not drink today.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, you will be glad that you did. Then tomorrow, do the "one day at a time" thing and just don't drink on that day. The key is to just repeat this, day after day. That's how a consecutive day sobriety streak is made. I learned how to do this, and make it through the tough days and all the crap that life can through at you, from the experiences of other members in AA. The AA program itself was not a magical thing for me. What was, was the fellowship of other people like me who were a few years ahead of me on the sobriety journey.

I tried to quit drinking countless times before I crashed and burned. I realized later that I was relying on the advice of a drunk, on how to get sober. That drunk was me when I tried to do it alone. And another thing, the only time I ever called myself an alcoholic, was at an AA meeting. I don't like the label. But that's really just semantics, I had a drinking problem and I knew it. Now I'm recovered and I don't have a drinking problem. But if I have a beer today, I will go back to having a drinking problem.

I'm convinced that sobriety requires a little shameless selfishness. Your need to get well - physically and emotionally - is way more important than a "friend" who enjoys drinking with you, or thinks you're not lively enough sober.

I put this a lot more assertively at first but edited it, lol. Be selfish. Take care of your needs.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being bored in circumstances where you used to drink. The upside of feeling spiritually and physically well easily compensates for an occasional outing with friends where you're thinking about how you'd rather be home watching the latest episode of "The Last of Us" or reading a book or whatever.

My social life has never been better since I got sober.
The guys are used to drink with still drink themselves into a stupor.

who’s the boring ones now? :dunno:

D

Well put. "Shameless selfishness." Our sobriety comes first, before anything or anyone else. And we need to be assertive about it, especially early on. Well, we have to be continually assertive about our "selfish" attitude, although after a few years, we don't have to make such a openly big deal about it. At that time, a simple, "No thanks. I don't drink," is enough.

Hi Hiding, I just want to commend you on writing your feelings and holding yourself accountable . that is NOT an easy thing to do. I was just wondering if youre doing okay now that its been 4 days since posting. I have a couple of friends that are sober from alcohol and i always tell them how proud I am of them since i feel like staying sober from alcohol is extremely difficult since its literally everywhere, especially living in the south, like me, AND in a college town, where every store, including the laundromat, serves alcohol.
ive also noticed how society has normalized drinking, as if its the most normal thing in the world. you cant walk into a target or walmart without seeing a shirt geared towards mothers claiming "its Wine-O'clock" or "its 5pm SOMEWHERE" and similar sayings. so when i say im proud of you and commend you for taking such a huge step, even if its just for february, i truly mean it with my whole heart. If you ever need to talk, im always here . i hope you find some ease in your life. please keep us updated. the more you share, the more comes out, the more support you get and feel compelled to keep going.

Hi all. Thank you for the comments, well wishes, & encouragement! I’m on day 11 now (well, it’s 1:30 A.M. on day 11!)
I’m doing ok. Feeling strong in that I’m not going to drink, but I’m a little irritable towards my family. I’ve been arguing a lot with my 21 year old son, but that’s nothing new. Feeling very frustrated at the moment & just want to try to sleep.
I will keep posting & sharing soon. Grateful for the support