Hiding8

Hi. I’ve been a long-time lurker. First time poster. I’m doing my 1st ever dry February, so I’m 4 days sober. Alcohol is ruining my life, but I don’t even want to quit. I’m 52 & have had problems with alcohol for roughly 35 years! I’ve had increasing blackouts, embarasssing moments, several injuries, & my mental state is deteriorating along with my health & family life. I know I am an alcoholic & I need to quit, but I go in & out of denial constantly. My husband, 2 kids (21 & 18), and a couple friends have all expressed concern, worry, disappointment, fear, etc., yet I’ve continued to live in denial. I’ve become increasingly depressed & unhealthy & angry. My cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, & weight have all increased (duh!). I’m embarrassed that I have let myself get to this current state, especially when intellectually I KNOW what the root of the problem is! It’s so frustrating to have such an intense love for something (drinking) that is killing me & also making me sick more often than not! It doesn’t even make sense! But I also know that I have these feelings & internal conflicts & feelings because I am an alcoholic. I HATE that word!!! And I hate that I feel so flawed! I feel embarrassed for having this problem. THREE people have said I won’t be fun anymore since I started dry February! I hate that I cannot drink normally & that I will be considered boring without alcohol. Thanks for reading.

RAL

Hi and welcome. I can relate and am a similar age. I think sometimes we need to get a good few sober days before we start to feel better. I know I do. First 3 or 4 days are rough but it really does get better. I'm the same, female and devloping health issues. Probably had them as while but as I get older they are visible and apparent and will only get worse.

Regarding friends, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about what they think we will be like sober. That's not really our issue. I have to avoid fiends who drink though in these ealry days and any drinking places. It's just too tempting.

I go to online SMART meetings which I love. They don't use terms like alcoholic or addict and don't focus on the past. It's all about looking forward, learning new coping skills and behaviours and becoming healthy.

Worried14

Hello Hiding. Well done on 4 days sober. That's a good start. I understand your feelings about being in denial and not liking the word alcoholic. And other peoples opinions do come into the picture whether we like it or not and a lot of people who know nothing of alcoholism see alcoholics in a pretty dim light to say the least. It's taken me a long time to be strong enough to get over that. You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic of course and those SMART meetings sound good though I've never tried them myself. I thought at one time that Alcohol Use Disorder sounded better than Alcoholic but then read that my level of use disorder meant that I had Severe Alcohol Use Disorder which I decided sounded just as bad.

So now I just accept that I've got some disorder which could be called alcoholism and I have my own thoughts as to what that means to me. It's taken me a long time and a lot of strength to get here.. I feel now that people who see us as less than they are are in fact, just ignorant people. They don't know and I have to accept that, just as there are a lot of things I know nothing about and am quite ignorant of.

Anyway, hope you'll keep posting. By the way, I'm in my 60's and have had problems with alcohol for longer than you, so you're not alone.

Dee74

Hi and welcome hiding8

A lot of people who join up here wish desperately that they were normal drinkers.
I did too - but I’m not.

When others stopped drinking and went home, I was just starting….

I hated looking at myself in the eyes in the mirror. I hated what I saw but I hated what was inside more.

I’d been drinking so long I forgot this was not the real me.

This place helped me accept what I was and what I had to do if I wanted to get back to the real me, and the kind of happy peaceful yet fun life I wanted.

I hope you stick around

D

calmself

Three people told you won't be fun anymore? Time to ditch them and find new friends that will encourage you to get healthier than being more funny.

My mind has got so clear in the last one sober year.. more assertive, confident, guilt free and positive. You can get the same benefits and more if you persist by the day..one day at a time.

Introvrtd1

Hi Hiding,

I know exactly how you feel. Like you, my health began to deteriorate over the years as I got older. Almost 60 years old and my body just couldn’t handle alcohol as well as it used to. Had to face the fact that things were getting worse health wise.

Decided to quit not only for myself, but for my family. Hopefully you will be successful in controlling this disease we have.

Thanks for reaching out. There’s lots of support here.

Radix

Hello Hiding8, I don't think you're in denial. I think you know that alcohol is damaging your body and your relationships, yet you are choosing to drink anyway... at least until 4 days ago, and congrats on that!

I used to say "denial-like" things to myself, to try and make it feel inevitable that I keep drinking, but I was like you, I knew deep down all the problems that alcohol was causing me.

What tipped the scales for me, from thinking about it into taking action, was having a hard look at my life and realizing that the good parts of alcohol weren't worth the bad parts. More than that, in order to keep drinking, I had to deliberately violate all the values that I liked to say were important to me. Things like being responsible, honest, and loyal to my loved ones. Once I realized that drinking didn't let me be the kind of person I wanted to be, it felt like time to quit.

I missed the "fun" parts for a while, but now I realize that even the "fun" parts were pretty bad. I lied to myself, and told myself that the fun parts were AMAZING, and irreplaceable, and awesome, but those were basically just lies I told myself so that I could keep drinking.

Now, in retrospect, the "fun" parts were actually inseparable from things like blackouts, lies, hangovers, falling down, and embarrassing myself. Not much "fun," truth be told.

I'm sorry those people said unhelpful things to you. I don't know why they said what they said, but it crosses my mind that it's the kind of thing that drinkers often say to a fellow drinker, to make it okay that they keep up with their own drinking. Like, if you quit drinking, then they might have to confront the role of alcohol in their own lives. But as I said, I can't know what's really behind their comments.

Offthemast

Helpful and thoughtful post Radix. Thx.

RecklessDrunk

I consider myself alcoholic because

1) I have an almost allergic type reaction to alcohol. Its not that I will always drink too, too much and/or act crazy. Its that I can't control how much I will drink or how I will behave. Its not I got drunk and crazy a few times and learned my lesson. Once I pick up a drink its a time bomb. Pretty much once I have just one swig I am in for a pretty long session of drinking. Even it usually just results in flopping on the couch and being useless and stupid for a while.

2) I have a mental obsession with alcohol. If I had a shellfish allergy I could probably go to red lobster and order a steak. I wouldnt need a meeting, I wouldn't need the support of others with shellfish allergies. Generally people with allergies avoid things that they are allergic to.

This is a mental illness to have a desire to consume a substance that I know is going to cause me harm.

The big book of AA talks about a person that has an obsession to jaywalk in front of cars. Its like first they break an arm and learn their lesson. Then the obsession to jaywalk strikes again. They break a leg and swear they will never do that again. Then they get out of the hospital and jaywalk yet again and break their back. (My account may be off from the BB). Anyway you see how alcoholics are similar?

We go somewhere and completely act like a fool. I will control my drinking that will never happen again. Then its a DWI. Then ita a trashed relationship. Another DWI, a fight, an arrest, God forbid some accident where someone is injured or killed.

Alcoholism is not our fault but it is our responsibility. I turn into a psychopath but that is my name on the drivers license. My finger prints on the arrest record. My bank card that is legally accessed.

If you are struggling mightily with idea of never touching alcohol again. If you have trouble picturing a life without alcohol. If you think your case is much different then the rest of us. Nobody will quite understand you. You may not realize just how in the right place you are right now.

I suggest get to know this forum well. Consider AA and/or other treatment as well. Don't worry about what is further ahead. Don't fantasize about drinking sometime down the road but don't fear not drinking ever again either. Don't worry about later days right now we only have today. You do not have to drink today.

Hevyn

Welcome, Hiding! I'm so glad you found us & wanted to share what's going on.

I was feeling the same way years ago when I first came here. I'd been drinking for 30 yrs. & it was part of everything I did. I knew it wasn't sustainable - very bad things began to happen. Because I didn't quit when I should have, my world fell apart. This doesn't need to happen to you.

I hope you'll keep reading & posting here. We all understand what you're going through, the way others can't. I had people tell me I should just have 'one or two' when I went out - I didn't have to quit all together. Trying to manage the amounts I was drinking proved impossible. There was never any 'one' drink for me. Once I finally admitted that, I was able to move forward. SR was a huge part of getting sober for me - mainly because I didn't feel alone anymore. We're glad you're here.

FiveTries

I have called myself an alcoholic quite a few times. I don't love it but it's just a label. At this point I don't even care what label gets put on it.

I didn't want to quit at all either. Like you, I had problems... embarrassing situations, shame, guilt, remorse, health issues. I loved drinking though. I loved the anticipation, the smell, the taste, the effect, the bars, beer, wine, liquor. I loved it all. Call me crazy, but I even liked parts of being hungover.

I've read on here that sobriety is not a punishment. So even though I didn't get to the point where there was no joy left in it, I had to accept that enough is enough. I'm trying to stay grateful for the fact that I get the opportunity to make my life better.

The social aspect is hard. I'm just not going to engage with people who can't support what I know I need to do. I don't need to give any explanations. I figure if I drink myself to death or die in an act of extreme self-hatred, they wouldn't get to hang out with me at all anyway.

Welcome! I'm joining you for a sober February.

RAL

That's such an amazing point Reckless - it's not our fault but it is our responsibility. thanks for sharing that

Hiding8

Thank you all for the replies so far. I appreciate the encouragement & words of wisdom, especially from people who “get it”. I’m getting ready to go to a dinner & concert in the city on a Saturday night. I won’t be drinking, & I already feel “bummed out”. I’m not excited or happy. I feel like a spoiled child!

least

It took me a while to get used to doing things sober, but now I'm quite happy to not drink.

Hodd

A lot of people are in two minds about Dry January or Dry February. For a normal drinker, it’s probably a good thing. For a problem drinker, though, it’ll be no more than a drop in the ocean, hanging on for four weeks, knowing there’s free flowing alcohol at the end. The likes of us can’t moderate our drinking. At the end of the dry month, the drinking will be as bad as before, if not worse. No doubt at all that you’re alcohol dependent, Hiding8, and the only way to manage that is to quit for good.

Steely

Someone posted an academic journal article here that said, people who take part in Dry Feb, etc.,often want to continue into March, and onwards, because they get a taste of the benefits. I hope this is true for you.

The 3 people who say you will be boring as a non drinking are really boring. Maybe they don't like looking at there own relationship with alcohol either.

Hevyn

Hiding - It does feel a little strange at first. I knew what had to be done, but I was resentful. I was a bit disoriented & had to get past the idea that something was missing. I realize now it was ridiculous to feel that way - in the end, drinking was bringing me nothing but misery & anxiety. I had convinced myself life would be very dull without it. It's a lie we tell ourselves. After a period of adjustment (which is different for everyone) life is so much better when we're our authentic selves.

VikingGF

Hiding, You are in the right place. Welcome.

I could not see myself embracing a sober lifestyle when I first came here, either. Ten years later, I did. You can learn from our mistakes and succeed now- just open your mind and let the words sink in. Alcohol is a lie and it will drag your life into the dirt, but once you stop drinking, your whole world gets better. It takes a commitment to yourself, and you obviously are here for that reason. Congrats on day 4!

Oh, as for those “friends” who say that you will be no fun, it will be you finding them less than entertaining, trust me on that.

Zebra1275

Welcome!

If you've been drinking for 35 years, trying to stop drinking by yourself is going to to be extremely difficult.

Reading and posting daily on this website, and joining a monthly sobriety class on this thread (February 2023 at this point) will help. I finally quit drinking at about the same age you now. Before that I was a successful professional who denied my drinking problem. I fooled everybody, but I didn't fool my body. At a certain age, the body just says "enough" and physically things start to go hell. It sounds like you're experiencing the start of that.

In addition to this website, face to face support was very helpful for me. For me, that support was AA and I had resisted that option forever. But my wife took me to the hospital for a physical detox (after a 3 day bender over a long weekend). I was admitted for 3 days to help me physically detox. In the hospital I attended my first ever AA meeting, and it was such a relief to see other "normal" looking people at the meeting, who also happened to have a drinking problem. And the Dr. who treated me told me that he was an AA member. That was not my stereotype of what an alcoholic was, and it made an impact on me. When I was discharged, I decided to give AA a try on my own. That, plus this website were key to helping me to finally become sober.

I've now been sober for almost 13 years and life is good. I no longer go to AA meetings and haven't gone in years. But I'm thankful for the face to face support from peers in the program, who helped me start on my sobriety journey.

DriGuy

Welcome to the forum. Like you, I quit drinking when I was 52. That was 27 years ago, and it's been a wonderful 27 years without drinking, so it's not too late. I agree that alcoholic is an ugly word. I've accepted it now as just a physical disability, but before I did that, I was just like the rest of society with a ignorant preconception of what an alcoholic was, and I was in denial because the idea of being one sounded abhorrent to me. I could have remained one for longer except the years of drinking and me thinking I was just a guy who enjoyed drinking turned in to a sudden downward accelerating spiral that went from me being a happy alcoholic in denial to living a hideous nightmare.

Like Zebra, I went to AA after seeing 3 different counselors and struggling without getting anywhere. AA was the only alternative way back then in my small town, and believe me, I didn't want to go. I still believe that the AA approach is wrong for many people, but it has also helped many. But the community was most helpful and became a much needed support group where I met people who had been sober for 20+ years and were sincerely happy. That got my attention and I realized I could be happy sober too.

I worked out my own program, borrowing ideas from AA, reading about other approaches, and information I got from open discussions with people in the AA community. It worked, and I remember that first AA meeting where an old timer said that total abstinence should be the goal, rather than learning to control your drinking. That night I set my goal on total abstinence, because the dream of controlling my drinking I had long ago realized I could never do. And of course that turned out to be common knowledge among all alcoholics in successful recovery. I had been without a drink for 5 days, and I had been climbing the walls at that first meeting, but the cravings were soon to run their course, and my total commitment to never drinking again seems to be the place where I turned the corner and started to get well.

I hope this will be a new beginning for you. The rewards in sobriety are too wonderful to ignore. It will be worth your effort, I promise.