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Tap, I read your big posts # 109 and 117 and I'm glad you wrote so openly, authentically and I understood them. I'm really pleased you're still posting. I do hope you have a restorative sleep, Tap. Sending you a hug 🤗.

Thanks Obladi and Tatsy. I've had a little sleep on the sofa but will go to bed soon. I'm used to these fits but it's just I'm not on here at the time. No, the problem isn't so much that other people can't understand me - although I don't think it's easy - it's that I find it difficult to make sense to myself. I want to say something and it's a real effort - not to think of the words, well that as well - but to work out what I'm actually thinking. After a fit I start off not even knowing who I am and it all slowly comes back bit by bit so I'm not good until I've had a long sleep. I think that everything slowly connects up. I noticed I just corrected something so that's a sign of improvement.
Anyway it's nice talking. Goodnight from me.

Take care of yourself Tap.

D

tap, so much you write is so much like what one if my friends talks about when he tells me about meditating. the construction of self. the real. or not. the structure of thinking. the not being the thoughts.
he has meditated for years, with various teachers. serious about it.
makes me wonder if a more structured approach like that might be helpful to you? seems to me you are doing all that already but maybe that kind of guidance could be useful?