Congrats on day 4! The first three days, for me, are the absolute worst. Don’t ever want to do them again.

A big cleaning project can be overwhelming. There is a great website called UnF***** My Habitat. Hope no one is offended by the title; you need to actually spell out the word to get there. There are great suggestions for how to tackle big messes and there is an understanding of how depression and anxiety can make this hard. One of their suggestions is to set a timer : 20 minutes to clean, 10 minute break and don't do more than you feel up to at one time. Slow and steady.

I'm actually a total OCD neat freak, but when I'm on a run I do not care about anything other than booze and staying loaded. 2 week mess always looks the same. Empty vodka bottles, soda cans, everywhere. Bags of chips. Anything I nibbled on because I do not eat while drinking.

I actually saw ants in my bathroom during my last withdrawal. I haven't seen one since so I do not know if they were real or not. :e052:

WL, I don’t post here often and don’t know you well, but in your posts you strike me as both articulate and self aware. I know I am by far my own worst enemy and critic. I am working weekly with a therapist on topics of self worth, purpose and vision. She recently had me do a guided meditation with a Canadian called Sarah Blondin on worthiness that was very powerful.

Trashed apartment, yes. After one bender I’d smashed a large floor vase, pulled a dresser on to myself, puked on the carpet, ripped down the shower curtain and left empties everywhere. I gave myself two black eyes and a gash on the forehead. My friends called the cops but they said they couldn’t break in as long as I wasn’t harming anyone- except myself.

I know when I’m in an alcohol induced downward spiral I feel shame, regret, resentment and hopelessness. When I’m sober and making progress, and getting out of my own head and helping others alleviate their suffering I feel hope, happiness and purpose. I constantly have to remind myself of the devastating psychological effect of alcohol, in addition to physical. It blurs and distorts the world in grotesque ways.

Do you even have the option of doing a few days in detox? Anything to pull you out of alcohol’s orbit and you might find enough space to start to choose differently. And see differently.

Today, I’m on naltrexone and gabapentin for craving reduction, do weekly therapy, attend recovery meetings, have a solid meditation practice and meet with a sponsor. It’s a lot of investment but it sure as hell beats the alternative.

As for higher power, I would imagine Toronto is like where I live, a progressive city with lots of recovery meeting options.

Higher power could simply be this- if you were able to stop drinking on your own, would you have not just done it by now? Maybe you would benefit from some power greater than just yourself? I follow Kevin Griffin’s book One Breath at a Time, which is a Buddhist approach to AA. The higher power could simply be the Sangha, or community of people in recovery that collectively is a greater power than any single person. There’s also Refuge Recovery, SMART if you’re into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or even Humanists in recovery. I am not religious, but I do believe that I need a power more than just me to be sober. Trying it alone got me nowhere.

good luck to you.