Absolutely destroyed my apartment....
 

Even by my own low standards, I am shocked how bad I let the filth/mess get. I live alone and never have visitors so I can go on month long benders and not feel the urgency to clean.


15 years ago, when my drinking was at its worst, I still cleaned because I had a girlfriend and friends would visit. Now, I just stare at the empty beer cans and trash. No motivation whatsoever. Of course, I need to be sober and through withdrawal symptoms for a week to even care.

I am sober and at the point where I am starting to care. I have no idea what the holes I put in the wall were about. Blacked-out I think.

This makes me want to drink again. I won't but, my God, how do I live like this....

Everything goes by the wayside in a bender - for most of us anyway.
You can clean up a bit day by day - and if the holes are not too big you can fill them yourself.

I have a low energy phase right now so my daily tasks might be only 2or 3 things - but it adds up :)

D

I've been too depressed to clean house for a while now. But I'm starting to clean, one room at a time, a little bit every time I go downstairs. I try to clean a bit, throw away junk, and put stuff away. It took me 3 days but my kitchen is finally clean. :)

Do a bit at a time. Break it down and it's not so overwhelming. :hug:

Not shocking. That’s what most of us do. We become so apathetic and the idea of facing the mess and the reality of what we’ve been doing with our life is too daunting, so...we...DRINK! Which is just absurd.

Yes, the apathy seems to never go away. I'm apathetic about everything except alcohol/drugs. I don't feel a passion about anything. I know my brain will probably need at least a year sober. I've been drinking/substance abuser since I was a teenager.

Wastinglife; a year seems a bargain for what is promised.

My flat's a mess too. Doing a little at a time. I'll get there.

It gets better a little at a time. I'm keeping everything "little" at the moment. And it seems to be working.

Good luck Wastinglife.

Hardware stores have 'drywall patch kits'.. fix those walls and keep moving forward/stop living like that.

I can't stay sober long enough to accomplish anything. I keep trying though. Back on a medication that helps. Boredom and anxiety are just so overwhelming for me most of the time.

I was arrested under the Mental Health Act a few weeks ago. I can't remember exactly what day it was or what I did. I think I may have yelled in the hallway or kicked a door. I was just blackout drunk. No mental crisis. It's not because of lockdown or the virus. I got much more serious problems....

Are you drinking now?

Have you considered inpatient rehab?

My sweet wife is an entry level hoarder. She loves to make piles of mess here and there. Usually it is mail, clothes, and new purchases. Rarely food thank God.

It seems related to her energy level and also her state of well being. When she cleans up, it usually is more of a moving around session. Nothing gets thrown away.

I sneak stuff out when I can and have managed to get rid of a couple of pick up truck loads of old clothes and toys in the last 15 years. I just got rid of a mattress and large bed frame she was keeping for if someone visited.

i have 2 more large bags sitting in the garage ready to go, but the thrift stores are still closed, so no drop offs are out.

I am a neat freak, borderline OCD clean. I would live a very minimalist life if I could.

I don't generally make much of a mess. I clean as I go. My bed is made as soon as I wake up. The sink gets cleaned as soon as I finish brushing my teeth. I use the same 3 or 4 pieces of kitchen items over and over.

I feel weird sometimes, but it could be worse. When I start cleaning up everything gets chucked. If an ID theft criminal wants to try and dig through my trash for my credit card last 4, go for it. It won't get you anywhere. Technology is all over that.

So in summary, big trash bags good, little piles of mess, bad.

love and thanks.

Already did rehab 10 years ago. I can't afford it. 10 thousand. Rehab only works when you are in there. My problems follow me as soon as I would check out.

Not drinking now. Just in disbelief about the current situation I'm in. Early 40's and I have nothing. Although, I'm sure the pandemic has affected many people the same. I lost everything years before this. Just venting. I get anxiety attacks just looking around my place. However, I can't have nice things until I sober up for good. I keep the bare amount of possessions.

I think being blackout drunk and kicking doors IS a "mental crisis" WL.

I don't think it's so much about the destroyed flat, it's about the destroyed head. That's been my experience at anyrate. Alcohol switched me off. And the only way for me to switch on again was to stop drinking and start thinking.

You will be able to make your place something to be proud of. Just takes time.

Don’t beat yourself up too much. My flat is a mess and I’ve been sober nearly 18 months! I don’t miss waking up (coming around) to the beer cans though.

However by getting sober your head will no longer be a mess. Other things get sorted as and when, you find your own priorities (my finances were a terrible mess but they are pristine now). By having a clear head you deal with things in order of importance

WL, I wonder if you'd consider the Salvation Army rehab program. It's free and long-term inpatient. Following is the agenda and the second link is to the rehab centre in your city.

"We offer a range of services, which include withdrawal management; residential; day treatment and outpatient recovery programs. Our programs are designed to meet the often complex, multi-faceted needs of those who suffer from a range of substance use disorders and mental health challenges."

https://salvationarmy.ca/what-we-do/...tion-services/

https://www.torontocentralhealthline...aspx?id=145403

I would never go to the Salvation Army. It's pretty much homeless men. I have a doctor and being treated with medication. I have no mental illness. Just a garden variety alcoholic. I am fortunate to have family pay my bills. Just need to clean my apartment and sober up!

I remember when I was drinking my home office here was a total mess. Layers of old cans thrown in the corner behind a chair, bottles hidden under sofas, beer splashed across walls.
It is embarrassing to look back and think that was perfectly "normal". Trust me, getting and staying sober will make a world of a difference not only on your home but also your
overall view on things.

AA may be something that could change your life if you want it. SR equally too. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are the essentials of recovery.

Wastinglife, if you don't mind my saying, your username and some of your posts exhibit a rather fatalistic approach to life. It is possible, probable even, that it is alcohol that has caused this. Alcohol is a depressant but we often forget this when drinking. The very fact you are posting here demonstrates that a part of you has a burning desire to get sober. What are you prepared to do to accomplish that goal?

I am normally a really clean and organized person, but lived in similar ways for a few years in my late 30s, before I finally took getting sober seriously. It is probably the part I am the most ashamed of from my whole addiction experience and I never talk about it unless someone brings up similar, like you did here, and I want to relate. I also found damage made in blackouts more than once. A horrible memory and so totally out of character for sober-me and even my young self.

I found that moving into a shared apartment helped some - I hate sharing my home, so it gave me some extra motivation to finally put some serious and more lasting effort into my recovery and hopefully have my own solo place soon (which I did have). Pull it together enough to find a roommate situation (it was also a lot cheaper of course), clean just once to move out (didn't even hire cleaners because I was so ashamed), then I could maintain cleanliness and order - I would have never been able to live the same way with other people. To be accountable and at least maintain a surface order helped. It took much, much more effort though to find my lasting way into sobriety. I stayed in the shared apartment for a couple years during that struggle, but it made things easier to have a relatively decent environment around with expectations. But when my sober determination was well on track, finding a nice home and maintaining it became easy, also because it reinforced my motivation not to drink.

Moving can be a good idea because local environment is like any other trigger in addiction - if you stay where you face hundreds of memories and triggers daily, it can be so much more difficult to remain sober. Not impossible though, but you do sound like needing some very substantial change. My journey even involved moving to a different state from the one where my alcoholism escalated and ran its worst - that place and period of my life had little else but destruction. Job I hated and was stuck at, the most twisted and addictive relationship ever, being victim of crime and a long series of traumas due to it, totally losing my perspective and even sense of and interest in reality. My life (inner and outer) now does not even resemble that era a tiny bit but I must remain vigilant that it was once my reality and I am capable of living that way. The thing is, no one else will pull your out of it if you don't make some drastic changes.

Been through 2 sponsors already. I can't seem to grasp the higher power concept. I like the meetings though they are closed now because of the pandemic.

Yes, I am experiencing bad insomnia. It's not good for my mood. I am exhausted but can't sleep. I'll be better tomorrow I'm sure

I hope you feel better tomorrow, too, WL.

Hi WL, you need to find a way to stay sober first. You seem stuck in the cycle of a few days sober, and then another bender, during which time you make choices you later regret.

If it were me I would make a list of what I need to do to get things back in order, and then start our with one project. It will feel good to cross something off your list, and be satisfied with completing a task. Start small. Maybe you’re going to gather the trash from one room and throw it away. Maybe you’re going to sort and organize the mail. Maybe wash the dishes, patch the wall. Tackle one thing at a time.

Since your family is paying your bills they would probably like to see you have a clean apartment so you can make more positive choices moving forward. Maybe they would also be willing to pay for your rehab, once you’re sober you can slowly start investigating some jobs and pay them back.

It's just my dad. Mother died couple years ago. That's why I have my bills paid. Estate money. My dad is not doing well. Haven't seen him in 3 years. I haven't seen anyone I know for over a year. Never had a visitor so I guess I never even bothered to keep the place tidy. I don't have any dishes, cutlery, pots,pans etc. Just beer cans and trash. Sober 3 days now. Mild withdrawal symptoms still. Anxiety and insomnia mainly. I am exhausted but won't sleep. May need another day before I am able to clean. I hate this apartment so much.

When you get your place cleaned up, your more than welcome to clean mine. No holes in walls, but I'm afraid I will never find all the candy wrappers, and loose cashews. This pandemic has required lots of snack foods. Mostly eaten on the couch.

Do you think it would help if you went to visit your dad? There were some issues unresolved?

I think that the messiness and filth of my place is representative of the state of my mind. It's perfect for an unemployed depressed alcoholic. However, I will end up jumping off a bridge soon if I don't get out of this rut. I'll be turning 44 in August and have lost the last decade.

Many people, including me, think that the alcoholic brain ******* maturity and growth as an adult person. I agree with that. When I was actively drinking I was like I was in my early 20's. I was acting not age appropriate if that makes sense. Once you get some sober time under your belt you might see things more clearly and understand that acting "age appropriate" feels much better.