Been through 2 sponsors already. I can't seem to grasp the higher power concept. I like the meetings though they are closed now because of the pandemic.

Yes, I am experiencing bad insomnia. It's not good for my mood. I am exhausted but can't sleep. I'll be better tomorrow I'm sure

I hope you feel better tomorrow, too, WL.

Hi WL, you need to find a way to stay sober first. You seem stuck in the cycle of a few days sober, and then another bender, during which time you make choices you later regret.

If it were me I would make a list of what I need to do to get things back in order, and then start our with one project. It will feel good to cross something off your list, and be satisfied with completing a task. Start small. Maybe you’re going to gather the trash from one room and throw it away. Maybe you’re going to sort and organize the mail. Maybe wash the dishes, patch the wall. Tackle one thing at a time.

Since your family is paying your bills they would probably like to see you have a clean apartment so you can make more positive choices moving forward. Maybe they would also be willing to pay for your rehab, once you’re sober you can slowly start investigating some jobs and pay them back.

It's just my dad. Mother died couple years ago. That's why I have my bills paid. Estate money. My dad is not doing well. Haven't seen him in 3 years. I haven't seen anyone I know for over a year. Never had a visitor so I guess I never even bothered to keep the place tidy. I don't have any dishes, cutlery, pots,pans etc. Just beer cans and trash. Sober 3 days now. Mild withdrawal symptoms still. Anxiety and insomnia mainly. I am exhausted but won't sleep. May need another day before I am able to clean. I hate this apartment so much.

When you get your place cleaned up, your more than welcome to clean mine. No holes in walls, but I'm afraid I will never find all the candy wrappers, and loose cashews. This pandemic has required lots of snack foods. Mostly eaten on the couch.

Do you think it would help if you went to visit your dad? There were some issues unresolved?

I think that the messiness and filth of my place is representative of the state of my mind. It's perfect for an unemployed depressed alcoholic. However, I will end up jumping off a bridge soon if I don't get out of this rut. I'll be turning 44 in August and have lost the last decade.

Many people, including me, think that the alcoholic brain ******* maturity and growth as an adult person. I agree with that. When I was actively drinking I was like I was in my early 20's. I was acting not age appropriate if that makes sense. Once you get some sober time under your belt you might see things more clearly and understand that acting "age appropriate" feels much better.

This happens to me everytime I am on a binge....it takes a week or more to get better and then what I do is...just do what I can a little at a time...it usually takes another week to get my house back in order...sounds like your place will take longer but it will get there and you will get there if you can just not drink.....

It is still not too late to stop and not waste a few more decades. You're still pretty young. I often hear people who stopped drinking in their 60's wishing that they had done it decades before.

I lost a large portion of my forties also. However I am sober now and glad to be.

I drank away my 20s - everyone has pissed away something, thus it's something we all have in common.

You could section your cleaning endeavours somehow btw, 'this corner' today or 'that counter' tomorrow. People feel useless if they don't have goals, so now and again you just have to trick your mind with "otherwise mundane" stuff just to keep it going.

Pretty sure only addicts and other depressed people can relate to how ******* difficult it can be to brush one's teeth. And also relate to the fact that brushing teeth is sometimes more about keeping yourself in check than it is about dental health. On uncountable occasions, walking 10 feet and moving a brush for a minute was an impossible task for me. It becomes more possible with each day you're sober.

WL, when I had insomnia in the first week or two, I found that spending just a half hour on the treadmill in early evening helped me fall asleep at bedtime. On nice evenings, the Mister and I walk briskly outside at 8 pm (after Jeopardy—gotta watch Jeopardy, ya know).

Worth a try, you think?

I was to till I stopped almost a year ago at age 47. It can be done and its worth it. I know you have heard it before but its so true. Give it a better shot this time. Go longer than before without drinking. Its better than drinking in so many ways. Summer time rolling around. Enjoy it. Thats what motovated me to quit last june 10th. I wanted to be able to enjoy the summer and not be wasted walking around like a zombie. I sure dont miss it. You wont either

Hey, Wl--When I was drinking my house was a mess, hip deep in beer cans and filth--I didn't care if I lived or died. I needed help to clean my house, and I definitely needed help getting sober. I went to rehab--not the Salvation Army, but it was faith-based and in a rural area, so pretty strict--and I had preconception about them that proved not to be true. I couldn't have done it without them. I wouldn't dismiss the Salvation Army's help out of hand. A dear friend of mine got sober in their 6 month program and has been sober for 7 years. He was homeless only in that his girlfriend (and now wife) kicked him out of the house until he got sober. He's a lovely guy, a brilliant graphic designer, and a talented pianist. It's good you're seeing a doctor. Best wishes.

I get that. And you know maybe this is where that old adage about being "clean" comes from.
Hey take a look at the living room - not clean. The bathroom- nope not clean. That person is not clean.
All in fun. Hard to find motivation, or the energy to do anything when one is feeling so bad overall. But it's a little like an awakening when looking back. You've lost the last decade. Well, you've been suffering and trying to cope with a lot of inside stuff for the last decade. On the other side there is a lot of lessons learned. Growth. You could have another 50 years of life. You could be in your 80s talking about loves lost and found, adventures, your own family your dog. Who knows, but envision that guy happy and content with his overall life.

I am through withdrawals and finally slept. A good 10 hours! Going into day 4 and ready to begin the marathon cleaning session ahead of me.

Instead of buying beer, that money will go to cleaning supplies, a new mop, garbage bags, and lightbulbs.

I was actually arrested a couple weeks ago under the Mental Health Act. A police officer knocked on my door and handcuffed me. Apparently, I was yelling in the hallway and kicking doors or something. Anyway, he had a quick look around my apartment which was only lit by the TV since all lights had burned out. There were also about 100 empty beer cans etc.

He was just taking me to the hospital to be evaluated. On the drive he asked me how I could afford to live in the building I do which is in an expensive area downtown Toronto. He obviously saw the state of my unit and assumed I was a drunk. I did not fit the part. Even the homeless are living better in shelters as far as cleanliness etc. 2 month benders will do that!

Amazing what getting through those first three days and some sleep can do. You are sounding so much better than the last few days.
Congrats on day 4! Hope you never have to go through those first three days again.