Sometimes couples get locked into a dynamic based on who is the "better" or "worse" person to live with--when I was drinking, it was easy to make me the "jerk" in the partnership and my long-suffering spouse was the "good guy". And very often it was true when I drank in all honesty--I was difficult, selfish, and hurtful many times.

That dynamic was hard to change in sobriety for both me and my spouse.

His own negative behaviors became much clearer and I was unwilling to be blamed for everything, whereas before, my guilt about drinking made me accept much of what he said was my fault as true, even if I didn't really think so.

We had to work hard to undo that "default" and build a new dynamic on being more "equal" partners again. It can be done.

Just food for thought.

Hi - I'm living in a similar situation with my husband. Very hurtful. I'm working on finding a way out, since he refuses any therapy with me. Stay strong. You're not alone.

You;re doing great Lisa - regardless of what other people say or think :)

D

Any day spent in sobriety is not worthless, dear Lisalily. I know it's hard when our loved ones remind us of what we'd done in the past, but 80 days sober is an awesome accomplishment, and should be celebrated. Concentrate on sobriety, and everything else will work itself out. Wishing you the best on your
sober journey.

Hi Lisa

I have been through something similar.

My wife was very used to being able to guilt me into doing whatever she wanted me to do and usually I would be slinking around with my tail between my legs, shameful and remorseful over another drinking binge. So of course I was compliant.

It was a well established pattern.

When I got sober, she couldn't guilt me with a fresh batch of drinking guilt, so she resorted to bringing up the old ones.

All I could really do was point it out, call it for what it was.

I was no longer putty in her hands and she didn't like it one bit.

It got worse before it got better, as these things often do, so when I stood up for myself, the hysterical behavior went up a level.

But I stood my ground, continued to call it for what it was and eventually she just decided there was no cheese down that tunnel anymore and moved on.

A marriage will have it's own recovery process, with ups and downs and roundabouts.

This was the start of me beginning to understand what is meant when people say "we have to want it for ourselves"

So many times I could have used her behavior as a "what's the point" excuse to drink, but I didn't.

My life was worth more than her crappy behavior.