Just out of ER.
 

This last bender wasn't my worst. At least, I think it wasn't. However, this time around I have very little memory. Just random snap-shots in my head that I can't tell if they really happened. No serious injuries this time like in years past. No fights that I can remember. No jobs lost or girlfriends to alienate. No time in jail etc.

However, what was different this time was the withdrawal symptoms. I was experiencing visual and audio hallucinations to go along with the extreme anxiety and insomnia. I walked to ER late last night and I was admitted within 10 minutes and pumped full of valium. The medical staff were great. Very empathetic.

Hospital paid for a taxi home and gave me a prescription for valium for a couple days. The kindling is getting too much. I really hope I get it this time because that was complete mental torture that I never experienced before.

Day 1.

This is exactly what has been happening to me. It scares me.

I hope this will be a turning point for you to grasp onto all available help to stop drinking for good. Glad you went to the ER and are okay.

That sounds awful. Truly a lesson for those who haven't had to go through this yet. Thank you for your post.

I've heard it gets worse every time. So glad you're back! Stay close to SR!:grouphug:

I'm sorry you went through that but I'm glad you're back.
Please make this be the last time WL.

D

Welcome back WL. What exactly do you hope you "get"? For one, hope won't get you sober by itself. You of course need to take action. Also, you don't get unlimited do-overs on this. "This time" could indeed be your last chance - since you were here last we've had news of more than one individual who died as a result of their choice to keep using/drinking.

What exactly would you ask of us this time around - we'd love to help but you need to give us some indication of what it is you are trying to accomplish.

Thanks for the reminder and best of luck to you. Please quit. You will be alot happier and healthier.

A great big red flag, WL. Support to you.

Thanks everyone. I have been in the ER for withdrawal symptoms multiple times in multiple different hospitals. I think at least 7 hospitals in Toronto alone. Then there were the injuries I had that also landed me in the ER. I lost count but total visits are 10-12. Also spent 3 days in a psych ward after a drug binge.

That is true power of addiction when I repeat the same behaviours over and over knowing what the outcome is likely to be.

I'm thankful you took action and are ok. I hope you'll stop torturing your poor body and stay sober. Hoping you're on your way to a long & healthy life.

I hope you can use this incident as motivation to get and stay sober for good. :hug:

WL, your story is scary. 10 - 12 hospital visits is a lot and maybe you're taking it for granted that you can keep doing that. But, you don't know what might happen next time. I really hope you decide to stop drinking and take care of yourself.

I have done in-patient rehab, therapy, AA, spoke to doctors. My mother was an alcoholic and recently died. I also believe there were several alcoholics on both sides of the family including grandparents and uncles. I think I genetically predisposed for alcoholism. On top of it all, I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I lost everything already and live alone. Ruined my career. I think I just don't have a reason to be sober. Haven't seen family/friends in years. Sobriety doesn't really change much for me.

Probably feeling sorry for myself, but I have tried many things. I literally just wander around the city by myself. My 8th Christmas alone coming up. Boredom, loneliness, hopelessness....those things are my biggest triggers.

I'm living Day 30 sober after 30 years - 10 of abusing alcohol, another 10 a serious alcoholic and another 10 a friggin insane alcoholic. I refuse to believe that there is no redemption. Maybe the only thing we can accomplish WL is to wander this earth at peace instead of poisoned. I am lucky that I have sought out some support and have people who care about me but most days I am alone. People in my life learned that to be around me for the last few decades meant chaos and misery. That is what I did to myself and to them. I have concluded that alone and clear and calm is good enough. I go through the days now finding things, little things, that make me happy and I really try to focus on those things. I am content with being alone and I know I have made my bed. Even alone we can live lives of meaning. I am reaching out in small ways to make connections.

Hi,

Wishing you support. I have been in the same position. Waking up in ER rooms. Not a fun place to be. This is what is left for us if we continue to drink. Congrats on your new Sobriety. We can do this . You are not alone. Post if you want to drink or having a hard time.
I hope you never have to go through this again and neither do I.
:grouphug:

i truly hope you seize this opportunity to claim sobriety and life.
trust me when i say you won't get that many more chances. you are not 10 ft tall and bullet proof. you have a disease that WILL kill you....that is it's sole purpose.

my mom was one of those later stage alcoholics, that after a stint in the hospital, had ONE chance to stop. her doc said that if she drank again at all ever it would KILL her. i, her only child, mother of her only grandchild, was in the room.

she chose to drink again. and yup, it KILLED her. not all at once, oh no, it was ugly and inhumane, as her liver failed and her abdomen swelled to that of a 7th month pregnancy. she turned a hideous shade of yellow/green. they had to keep her in a morphine coma due to the pain in her body due to all the toxic build up.

i share this to let you know this is how it can end.........unless you sever your relationship with alcohol and find another way to live life on life's terms.

This is exactly what landed me in the ER the last time...withdrawal like I hadn't experienced before. I also got blessed that day with a wonderful staff that didn't judge me. By grace, that was the last time and I've been sober over three years now. ...you can do this, if you want it badly enough. If you find yourself with a lot of time and by yourself, try doing some volunteer work in your area and benefit your sobriety by being of service to other, maybe?

Best comment in this thread.

I have done service work at AA. Being first at the meeting to set up chairs, last to leave after clearing up. Did that for 6 months. Thought about volunteering but I raise so many red flags that I can't pass even a cursory background check. Those things don't do much for the alcoholism lurking inside me. I still spend every birthday and holiday sitting home alone. They did nothing for the hopelessness I feel when I have to volunteer because no one will hire me. Not even McDonald's would give me a job. I'm 43. Time is running out. Already too old for entry level jobs

Its a leap of faith I think?

I had to stay sober for things to change, and I had to stay sober long enough for things to change and get better,

A lot of my first year was all about just not drinking and having faith things would get better.

In my second year they did.

A long time in some ways maybe but not against the 20 years I drank.

That is true - volunteer work will not cure your addiction. Having said that, pretty much every single person here on SR has alcoholism lurking within - I know I do. I was right around your age exactly when I quit for good in 2013, and many wait until their 50s, 60s or even older to quit. AKA, it's never too late.

The bottom line though, is that if you keep lurking in self-pity and finding excuses why things wont work - you'll likely get similar results to what you've gotten in recent years. If I remember correctly, you were actually sober for a pretty lengthy period a few years back, right?

What exactly are you seeking now that you are back out of detox? If you are looking for someone to tell you that you should just keep drinking because you are destined to do so, you are in the wrong place. If you are looking to make a honest effort to get sober you hit the jackpot. Hope you choose the latter.

Hi WastingLife,

I’m glad you are here and posting, and also that you went to the ER.

I know this time of year can be difficult, but there are things you can do to try to get through it and ways to work on your recovery, it sounds like you have tried AA and inpatient in the past, they an be great supports, but only if you are ready to stop drinking/drugs for good.

I have found looking at life through a lens of gratitude can help to shift a negative mindset. You can always find something to be grateful for.
-You are sober today
-You received help from the ER
-You have a supportive online community here to support you

I am sure there are many things you can add to this list. Where are you currently living? Is it someplace you can stay for a bit?

I am just starting day 2, so I am pretty depressed. So hard to do this alone. Family is not around or capable. We don't even talk really. Friends are living their lives with their wife/kids and can't do much for support. They have their own problems to worry about. Sponsors don't really work because I can't buy into the 12 steps. Tried twice but just doesn't make sense to me. I do enjoy the meetings though. As an atheist, the higher power concept doesn't work at all.

Hi,
Maybe go to AA for the company and to meet like minded people, people who understand. I'm not in AA but have read about people who go even though they don't like/agree with it 'all' ''take what you need and leave the rest' or something. As you say you enjoy the meetings - it's a start and who knows what you might get out of it. Sure must be better than being alone and depressed.

I am so sorry that you feel that you have no reason to stay sober. It hurts my heart to think that you are this alone. But you aren't, you have everyone here supporting you and wanting you to be better and live a life of peace and calm.

You can end the cycle, but you have to see it and want it. I see it in you, you have the hope to get better...if you didn't, you wouldn't be here with us, telling us your story. And the crazy thing, is that your story is much like ours. You have the proof right here on SR that you can experience all of this and still come out the other side.

I believe in you so much, I know that you can put yourself first and get better. You don't have to go to the hospital anymore, you don't have to hurt anymore.

You do need to find what works for you, a program that sticks. Have you tried hitting some meetings, sharing your experience and asking the room for help? You would see that people in those rooms are just like we are in here, they want you to succeed. Go. Ask for the help and get out of this hell you are living in.

You do not have to live like this anymore. You just have to choose not to.

I really hope that you try everything in your power to live life as you were meant to...happy, joyous and free.

Nic.

You aren't too old for any job. You just need to obtain and maintain sobriety and doors will open up for you. I got sober at 50 and had to build a new life. Eight years later and I never would have thought my life could get this good! I started out at entry level jobs at age 51, when I was employable again.

You CAN do this, too!!!

The end of my drinking was exactly as you described. Hearing and seeing things in the hospital for the umpteenth time.
That was 2.5 years ago, today.
It gets better. You'll get your life back if you work for it. And its work. But you can do it!
Jules