Hi Changing, how are you doing?

He has left by himself without me asking, he got mad my parents were here and I have no idea whers he is now

BackandScared, the baby is 3 weeks old (my son) and my daughter is turning 2 this month :)

You are my heroine! 3 months and not even 2 years old! No wonder you are struggling, without even considering your partner's pressure. He is probably mad someone has interfered with his habit but he will be back.

I would really leave to my parents' for a while now that he is not there. And I would spend time appreciating the difference in your life and your children behaviour (mainly the 2 years old) when he is not around.

3 weeks after delivery is really little and you must be exhausted. Making new human beings and keeping them alive is an incredible experience but as hard as it sounds. Whatever the circumstances I hope you keep reaching out to y our parents or whoever may be a good support for you, even if it is only a cup of tea/coffee with a friend/neighbor for 20 minutes.

:grouphug:

Thank you for reaching out, Changing. I believe you should go with your parents for a bit; you cannot save your husband from himself, and your children will be safer and happier without the drama. Perhaps just for a few days; you need a break, my dear. I also agree that stories of relapse should be taken very seriously and that it doesn't matter how much sobriety you have-it can happen at any stage. I had 15 years of sobriety and got complacent, thought that I had it figured out--what a sad joke. Alcoholism took me to the brink of death after that long run; now I have 3 years, 8 months and guard my sobriety like the precious jewel that it is. Wishing you all the best on your sober journey. You can do this!

Been thinking about you ChangingODAAT. Now that he is out of the house, I would stay there and hopefully your parents can stay too. I sense they are the only reason you are clean and handling this situation. Tell them that you need them and tell them to stay as long as they possibly can. They are your way forward right now.

Thank you guys. Just a quick update because I am back to being crazy busy! My parents had to leave because they had a trip planned out and I didn't want them to cancel so I am at home alone with the kids now. No sign of my husband :( Thank you for all your help

im really worried for you..as your parents must be as well.
You are YOUNG if you have kids that young...and please listen to us when we tell you.....

It is YOU and those two little babies that you have to keep SAFE.

Your husband is an adult struggling with addiction but he needs to figure IT OUT...just like you had to figure it out...(that sober is better).

You so far have been coping and making it thru even with all the stress...the best place for you and your children is with your parents...Please go there..

Hopefully your husband will sober up and realize that he is not fulfilling his role in your marriage NOR is he fulfilling his role as a parent.

If you stay there..you put yourself, your sobriety and your children at great risk...Please believe that right NOW you have to leave there....that is in the best interest of your children....

Your husband is not a child....he will manage....save yourself!

Yes I am young. I am 21 and my husband is 25.
My husband has left the house a few days ago because he got upset my parents were here to help. I have no idea where he is and I know he is still using and it worries me.

My parents left because they had a vacation planned and I didn't want them to cancel. It's just me and the kids at home right now. I have the key to my parents house if my husband comes back and he is still using. When my parents come home from their trip maybe I will go there for a few days

Whatever you do keep yourself and the kids safe.
D

You are an endless source of surprises. 21! You must be one of the youngest, if not the youngest around here. Which should tell you that you have achieved more than most of us in terms of waking up and acting on self-destroying behaviour, allowing you a full life to do incredible things.

You have also had 2 kids when most people don't know how to look after themselves. You can look after yourself and others (including your partner). At the moment you are the equivalent of a high flyer broker who is running around keeping all the balls on motion, under huge stress, because the markets don't close. Your market not closing are your young kids. Don't see yourself as a mother who cannot cope. From the little we know about you, you have far more skills and resilience than most human beings I have ever come across, let alone addicts.

Your partner has abandoned you and his kids. The fact that you understand his addicted mind and can empathise with it, does not change reality. It is a **** thing to do. I don't know how, but instead of worrying about him, find it inside you to get angry and detach from a problem you cannot resolve.

I keep saying the same, but reach out: explain to people you trust what is happening. Explain that you may still stick by his side even if you know it is a bad idea. This is not about disappointing your parents or friends. It might happen because addiction takes everybody with it.

Do you know that statistically, women who have children this young, do better in their professional lives? You have a full life ahead of yourself, the wisdom and strength to make it happen. You seem amazing. Would be great if you kept posting.

I will try to keep posting but I am back to being stressed and overwhelmed and failing at this. Lol.

I got clean for my daughter. She saved me. If I didn't have her I probably wouldn't be clean at my age. I would have kept using for a while

My husband came back today even if he is still using and right now I am too tired to either leave or ask him to leave.

You are 'back' to being stressed/overwhelmed/failing... just a coincidence your partner is 'back' at the same time?

I want you to keep posting because it might be a way of staying connected to the outside world, even if it is only virtual.

You have done an extraordinary work staying sober 2 years. It does not look you had the best circumstance to reach that. You know better than anybody else you can destroy that in seconds. You also know you are struggling and vulnerable.

I can't emphasize enough how vulnerable you are at the moment. I don't know why you say you are 'failing'. But if you are not drinking/using whatever you are clean from and your kids are fed, you are excelling at life.

The only obvious mistake (and it is a massive one because of the many dangers) is staying in the same environment/house as your partner. It is incredibly bad for your children and it is bad for you.

Your anxiety can be the result of this very stressful situation and the hard emotional and physical process that comes with post-birth and bringing up two very little ones. It can also be more serious and you may be suffering from post natal depression in whatever form.

Wherever you are I guess you have some contact with midwives. Would you be able to confide in one? Let them know about your anxiety (or even your partner's behaviour)? The three of you deserve protection from him.

He can't be anything but bad news unless he decides to sort himself out. Even in that scenario, you can't cope with the ups and downs of someone else's early days in sobriety. He should be your rock now. He should be taking as much responsibility/work for his kids as you are or more to help you recover. No matter what the reason is, his behaviour is a massive betrayal and something to shelter yourself and your son and daughter from.

Get those keys and go to your parents' house. No matter how exhausted you are, you will be more exhausted if you stay. Talk to your midwife/doctor/a friend. Let someone else take a bit of burden from your shoulders. Look at your kids and your incredible achievement over the past 2 years and give yourself a massive round of applause.

yeah jt's a big move that looks even bigger when you're considering it.

I agree with Back and Scared tho - as an outsider reading your posts you the kids and your husband all together in the same house doesn't seem tenable in the long term and may not be safe in the short term.

I hope you'll make a decision based on your and the kids best interests.

D

Just waiving hello Changing. Hope you are feeling better everyday and getting used to the new little one.

I'm at my parents house now, not by choice, but they are still on vacation. Our neighbor called the police 2 nights in a row and one of us had to leave. I didn't want him to leave and have nowhere to go so I left with the kids and came to my parents house.

I dont want to use but my head is not right right now and I know it. I am exhausted and just feel like crying and I am worried about my husband.

The baby is still not sleeping at night. In the day I have to be up with my daughter and somehow I have to finish this big school project. I have 3 weeks left of school and then I am done. Also trying to handle my husband's business so we don't lose it. Dealing with the clients who are not always nice and the employees. My husband's brother is helping a bit with the business though. Anyway, I feel like I am failing in all areas of my life right now 😭

You're not failing. You are only human. You are doing the right things in the circumstances.

Your parents' place is the best place to be.

The way I look at it, you and the kids first, school second and your hubby's business 3rd. It's unfair of him to drop you in a mess with his business. He should sober up and sort it out.

I hope things get better for you soon. All the best x

Oh.. Changing
I have been thinking a lot about you and I am not sure how to answer. So I will forget the overthinking and just share the ideas that come to my mind reading you:

First and foremost, I am in awe at your strength and abilities. I know I am repeating myself a lot. Having two babies to look after, one a new born is really difficult in itself, even with lots of support. Dealing with your sobriety in danger and the kind of partner you are describing seems an insurmontable mountain to me.
And you are adding that you also study and trying to keep a business afloat!
Listen, no matter how much of an incredible woman you are (and clearly you are exceptional) I don't believe you have superpowers. No wonder you are having temptations and you are at risk of relapsing. I would want to escape all this too. Because it is impossible to do it all. Just impossible.

There are things you cannot control: the crazy hormones controlling a lot of your thoughts and physical fitness even if you cannot see it; you cannot control a newborn sleeping patterns either. You cannot control how physically demanding is to entertain and look after a (not yet) 2 years old and a new born. You cannot control your partner's behaviour.

Things you can control/may be able to control:
1) Can you ask for a deferral regarding your studies? Having a new born must be a good enough reason wherever you are.
2) Do you need that business to survive? Otherwise I will just drop it. Completely. If you can feed yourself and your kids with or without the support of your parents/other resources, I would go for that. Now.
3) When your partner is not there, go to your house and keep all important documents re kids and you in your possession (bank account details/passports/birth certificate/mortgage papers, etc.) Make sure those documents, whatever resources you have are protected and safe with you.

You know how you became clean last time. You said you did it for your daughter. Your daughter is there and has a sibling. You have a double reason now. I am reluctant to remind you this, because it is obvious you already know and you are under unbelievable amount of pressure. I doubt putting more pressure on you will help. Just want to remind you about whatever reasons/techniques helped you become and stay sober the past 2 years.

If the police is involved, you might already be under the radar of social services, etc. It might add stress that you never caused in the first place. Please, stay away from your partner. It is going to be bad news as long as he can't change his ways. You must detach from him emotionally. Your concern is not helping him, even if you believe it does. Did your parents worrying about you helped when you were drinking? You (neither him in fact) need this drama. It can only make it all worse. Stay far away.

Massive virtual hug.

Waiving hello and hoping your parents are back soon and you have an easier day

I hope you are still coping and checking here from time to time, reading/using whatever tools may help you

I haven't been able to check in the last few days, it has been crazy here. My husband is still using and he started calling the police saying the kids were in danger with me so I have been dealing with this. CPS showed up too but they saw everything was fine so they won't do anything. Still at my parents house and still not getting sleep but I will get used to it