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First post Hi folks, The automated email suggested I make a first post here. Seeing as I am desperate maybe I should take it more seriously than a suggestion. I have been trying to say sober for about 2 years now. Longest dry time is 6 months, average dry time maybe a month when all said and done. Average drunk time 24-48hrs. I have lost a lot for this pattern, but I am probably a lucky one by comparison. I still have my family and a roof over my head. My dignity is shot to pieces but there has to be hope. I have tried AA before, a number of times. I really struggle with it. I have hired a private therapist who is great, and my most recent relapses were after decided to trial the Sinclair Method. I had about five borderline disasters in about a month. Needless to say I am stopping it, and facing sobriety once again. But I need a network. The biggest fear right now is I just won’t be able to do it, that it will always get me again in the end. I can’t afford that. Best wishes to everyone here, Rick |
Welcome, Rick - I'm so glad you made the decision to post. You've found a place of encouragement & positivity. You can definitely do this. I drank 30 yrs. I attempted to be a social drinker long after I knew it was impossible. To stop all together was the only answer, yet I was so afraid to let go of it. Not sure why - it was bringing me only misery, embarrassment, & even danger. I'm so glad you've decided to take action. Posting & reading here helps with the anxiety you're feeling. We all understand & want to help. |
It is the only answer, you are right. It is the desire to be a social drinker that always takes me back. You would have thought I could have learned in 2 years of disasters whenever I let it back in. Somehow it isnt that simple. And deep, practiced acceptance is the only main psychological faculty I have yet to build to prevent me allowing the relapses to happen. I hope here I can build an arsenal of tools and friends who have walked the path and left a trail ahead of me. Thank you for replying so quickly, I am touched |
Hello and welcome, , Rick . I can relate. I tried to quit for ten years. Mostly never making it past the fourth day. Pretty frustrating, as you might imagine. I once made it seven months. That was my longest in those ten years, but I was soon back at it. I drank alcoholicly for thirty five years. I started very young. I found AA very helpful and got involved with that. It really saved me, even though I still relapsed while attending meetings. Along with coming here, I found people like me. I wasn't alone. Others understood. It's now been ten years since I've had a drink of alcohol. And I was a bad drunk. That's a little bit about me. I hope you see that abstinence is possible. I'm doing it as are others here, and, of course, in AA. I wanted what they had and was willing to go to any length to get it. You can do it, too. I hope you stick around you'll find a lot of support here. Best to you. |
Welcome to SR Rick. You’ll find a lot of support on this form. Glad you’re here. |
Hi Rick and welcome to the site. I knew I was an alcoholic in my early 20s when I was drinking every night after work. I didn't care at all. As long as I had a job and a roof over my head I didn't care if I was slowly killing myself. As the years went by alcohol started to take a heavy toll on me. When I first started flirting with the idea of sobriety it was based on consequences. My wife might leave me. I might get fired. Maybe I'll get another DUI. I knew my drinking was unsustainable and getting worse but deep down I still wanted to drink. The night I had my moment of clarity I was an empty and broken shell of a man. I had finished the last of my whiskey and because of my tolerance was barely buzzing. Sitting in that dark room a lot of thoughts went through my head. I thought about quitting "for real this time" but it wasn't due to fear of consequences. This time I told myself that I deserved better in life and I could be happy if I wanted to do the work. I finally wanted to get sober for myself and as everybody says it doesn't work unless you want it for yourself. I haven't had a drink since that night 25 months ago and I'm happy for the first time in my life. |
Hi Rick, Welome! We do understand how hard this is. I'm glad you found us. |
Welcome Rick....there is a wonderful community here. You are truly not alone. I'm newly sober with little wisdom. But I certainly wanted to say hello. |
Thank you all for responding; I am reading every reply multiple times for perspective. It's currently only day 2 again, so early days. :tyou |
Welcome, someone said to me the other day I can’t but we can, stay here for support and advice good luck you can do this |
Yeah, I wanted to be a social drinker too so I would be able to partake on those special occasions. It wasn't in the cards, however. I had to quit. The fear of giving up alcohol completely was probably my biggest hurdle. In retrospect, that fear was totally without merit. The idea that alcohol should have a place in my life, just a wee tiny bit, was such an overblown assumption that I shake my head with one of those "what was I thinking" moments of mind blowing clarity. But I understand your fear. It seemed so real to me too, even if it's absurdly irrational and counter productive to a self directed and happy future. When you are ready to commit to quitting, you will be able to overcome your addiction. Until then, your chances of ever being in control are dismal. I know this is not the solution you are looking for. You want to negotiate for a better one, but it turns out that abstinence is the better solution, and not just the lesser of two evils. It's full of pride, joy, and confidence. It's a great solution, but an alcoholic can't see that until he gets there. |
Welcome aboard Rick :) D |
Welcome. This place will truly get you sober if you let it. You just need to put in the work, stick around, post when you have the Temptation and just keep trying and trying. A better life awaits you. This place worked for me. It really did save my life. Welcome again. |
Welcome to the family. :) I hope you'll use the support and wisdom here to help you get sober for good. :) I've been sober over 9 yrs and it's still a great joy to wake up feeling good. :) |
Originally Posted by rick2019
(Post 7184259)
Thank you all for responding; I am reading every reply multiple times for perspective. It's currently only day 2 again, so early days. :tyou |
Hi rick, Welcome to SR. I was wondering how long you’ve been in therapy? The therapy and coming here to SR is what has helped me the most. I also read a lot of books on alcoholism and recovery stories. All of this made me realize that trying to moderate is futile. The times I was able to moderate eventually led me right back to heavy drinking with a progressive worsening of drinking and withdrawals when stopping. Ultimately, changing my mindset and accepting 100% sobriety is what has worked for me and probably most folks here. I’m almost 2-1/2 years sober. Life can still be hard, but it’s so much better staying sober through the challenges. I have developed more self confidence and much better self esteem. Hope to see you around here some more. |
I know this is not the solution you are looking for. You want to negotiate for a better one, but it turns out that abstinence is the better solution, and not just the lesser of two evils. It's full of pride, joy, and confidence. So its clear to me that staying in 100% acceptance of it is the key. It is precisely that that has been my struggle the last two years. I get to about 3 months and basically forget, get excited, meet someone, or something. I have read some of this recovery literature, and have started reading again. I’m going to fill my head with the good stuff, ask for help when I wobble and keep seeing the therapist, who I have been seeing for a couple of months now. He is excellent at helping me to find what I actually think and want, as opposed to what I think I should think and want. And, strange as it sounds, I was a practicing therapist for years myself. |
Originally Posted by rick2019
(Post 7184504)
Theres a lot of almost subconscious relationships with alcohol that can romance you back into nostalgia or delusion. |
Edit: Duplicate Post |
Try to stay out of your head. Don't worry about tomorrow or stew over the past. Focus on TODAY. Just do not drink TODAY, no matter what. I quit counting days of sobriety to be honest. I know I'm somewhere around 6 months. I don't think about never drinking again, I think about what I am doing right now and how I am going to a meeting after work. I have some hobbies that keep me busy and most evenings I read. I think I have crossed over into a psychic change where I don't want to drink. Drinking makes me lazy, gives me a headache and an upset stomach. God I feel so much better when I don't drink. So, I think about that, how good I feel. How my face isn't all puffy and my stomach all bloated from the alcohol. The hardest part is getting off the merry go round. You just have to keep chipping away at the days. For me a 45 day inpatient got me started. I was a daily drinker for 25 years. It's a complete lifestyle change, how bad do you want it? Some people say to me, I can't take off work to do inpatient, or I can afford to do that. Can you afford NOT to? I almost died, spent 4 days in ICU from a drinking bender and when I was finally in the clear I told the doctor I had to get back to work he looked at me and said......"you almost died. Who cares about your job?" I relapsed a couple times too but I got right back at it. This journey to get 6 months sober has taken 2 years. I am enjoying life for the first time in a long time. Just stay sober today. |
Two years sober on May 9. My journey went from near death to inpatient to psychiatric treatment to AA to outpatient to a lot of self work on my health and body to individual therapy. I'm not an AA person but found it very useful in early sobriety. Also tried and liked Smart Recovery and use the principles of AVRT. The core actions that have kept me rock-solid sober were truly realizing in my gut that I've been an addict/alcoholic all my life and that the periods of sobriety were respites only. So I really cannot drink or take a sedative like Xanax at all. Ever. No coke or other addictive drugs either. Then I defined myself as a non-drinker, and made a commitment to never taking a sip of alcohol again, or I'd end up where I was. AA would call that surrender, and to a degree I agree. If I take one sip of alcohol it can and probably will take over. My power is not ever taking that sip. Then I did everything I could to insure that I'd stay that way. Once you have some time under your belt, you can get a realistic perception of drugs and alcohol. How great is that buzz anyway? It's not really all that to anything else other than the tiny lizard brain/id. Were I a 12 Stepper my higher power is my higher brain functions in the cerebral cortex. The addictive voice and the alcohol buzz are in far more primitive parts of my brain, unfortunately they are tied up with survival, as I believe they are with nearly every addict. I found that after a bit of sober time, looking at the cravings objectively revealed how small and fragile they actually are. You can do this, lots of us have. Use the community, make the commitment, and use whatever resources work to get and stay sober. It's pretty simple, actually. It's just not easy. One exercise I found really useful was to make the following four lists: The Pros of Drinking The Cons of Drinking The Pros of Not Drinking The Cons of Not Drinking Try it if you like. How is Day 3? |
How our brains evolved that way to depend on such an unreliable source of direction is hard to fathom, but here we are as alcoholics trying to make the most of it, which makes walking away from alcohol the challenge that it is. But it can be done. And ‘just for today’ makes sense to me, but only if I am struggling. If not, ‘just never, along with all this good future planning’ makes sense too. Thanks for asking how day 3 is. My health is coming back again, my calmness coming back again, and surrender is something I have already begun. It is the only way. My hope and belief is that daily practice plus time = full recovery. Whilst I understand the snake of temptation will perhaps always lie dormant, I don’t subscribe to the ‘lifelong disease’ model; not if you to the point where you are no longer dis-eased by it! I had a low moment yesterday, in the shop buying lunch. Saw the alcohol aisle, and again had that ‘bite’, “well, you’ve ruined that now”. Only a few days out, cravings can happen, but I also know from experience that a few months out, I don’t get those anymore. They slowly turn to revulsion of alcohol. I have started making a vision board of all the things I want to materialise in my life. Focusing on those, not focusing on not drinking, makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you everyone for your contributions. Recovery seems to be such an individual thing that it never ceases to amaze me how different it is the things that finally work for people. But there are patterns, and I guess that is why we are here. Am I good to leave the more ‘journal’ aspects in this thread? It will be great to be able to look back to post 1 after a while and see what people said and how things changed. |
Am I good to leave the more ‘journal’ aspects in this thread? It will be great to be able to look back to post 1 after a while and see what people said and how things changed. D |
Originally Posted by rick2019
(Post 7185157)
I don’t subscribe to the ‘lifelong disease’ model; not if you to the point where you are no longer dis-eased by it! Is alcoholism lifelong? There is a general consensus that it is, with but a minority of knowledgeable skeptics. I can't speak from personal experience, so I don't know if I could now start drinking normally. And based on general consensus, it's not worth the risk of finding out. I personally believe (not the same thing as knowledge) that it is lifelong, because I've heard enough stories of old timers taking up the bottle after 25 years, and not being able to quit again. Also, I have no desire to drink anymore, so even experimenting wouldn't provide me any enjoyment. It maybe that some alcoholics can return to normal drinking. But has something changed that one would expect a different outcome? One might hope (not the same thing as an actual result) to drink normally again, but I doubt that it's in the cards for most alcoholics. |
There is nothing in my experience that says I can return to it. The Sinclair Method seems to reduce many people down to acceptable levels, but you have to take naltrexone before every drink for the rest of your life. So that isn’t a ‘cure’, either. Regardless....I think all of us would agree a life worth having with rarely a thought to alcohol is cure enough. I just went to the supermarket again. It’s a sunny day; immediately my felt sense is that there is this “whole world” cut off from me. I do self enquiry meditation, and so I (uncharacteristically) asked “who is it that wants this?” Seeing as I can witness the one who wanted it, who played out the memories and fantasies....then it is certainly not all of me. And immediately parts of me filled the space; ones that remembered how much they didn't want so much of what comes with alcohol, alcoholic or not. All of that without actively trying to convince myself of anything. Amazing, really. |
So, perhaps that inevitable moment has come already. Deep, very painful conflict about not being able to drink moderately. To be part of the “normality”, to be able to cosy up with significant others in nice places and enjoy the romance, comradeship and feeling of sharing good times with significant others...man, it hurts. And this is despite me sitting down, closing my eyes and trying to remember all the “illusions” of alcohol that I can sometimes so eloquently explain to others. The detailed books I read, willingly bringing to mind even the recent chaos...willingly bringing to mind the benefits that sobriety can bring (increased confidence, remembering the social event, better health, more money, no regrets...the list goes on). It doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t let go of the research that naltrexone extinguishes binge drinking behaviour in 80%+ of people over the course of 3-8 months. I want to be one of those people, even though I know its not a magic pill and still requires effort and risk. I met a girl at the weekend. I told her everything about my experiences with alcohol, and she was exceptionally cool about it. But there is a local festival on this weekend, and we are going now; the idea that I can’t be that regular guy...it is just tearing me up today. I have already decided, ahead of time, “not this weekend”. I would need to get a new script of naltrexone anyway, and I don’t think even I have the balls to try it without. I am deliberately bringing contradictory points of view to every benefit I can think of, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain retorts, if true moderation can be brought about, I won’t have to wrestle with this painful conflict anymore. I mean this in no disrespect to those here; I really do admire those with sober time, it they flourish in life. But personally, emotionally, it is so hard for me to escape the feeling of inferiority. It’s as if deep down in my mind, I have hardwired the association of alcohol with so many things. So many things I want. I feel anxious, torn...I just want the best for myself, I guess. I want freedom. Even if I know I can have some of the best of those things without it, even if I know Its possible that I could become truly proud of who I am as a sober man in the world...even then. Even now. I am reaching out. If anyone has anything to add, however small, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you. |
I have spent some time re-reading over this thread, and after that visualising the coming weekend, and just how valuable sober socialising could really be. I can see how, if I am sober and not talking to those people over there, its probably because I don’t want to. I can see myself interacting with slightly intoxicated people, because I can often bounce of their energy, and likewise. I can see myself returning home, girl in arm, feeling glad I made it. On planet Earth, not some risky dream castle poised to fall off the edge of horizon Rick. I can kind of believe it now. At least, a little more. It helps to keep it to this weekend. “Just try it”. I can’t know unless I do. And if its hard, hard things get easier as you expose to them. But not if you numb yourself first. No doubt the snake will rear its head again before the week is up. I think posting helped. |
Hi Rick I'm sorry you're so conflicted. It's perfectly understandable in the early days. It's so easy to romanticize our drinking. We imagine ourselves enjoying a lovely, fulfilling evening in which we're in perfect control. But once we've crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking, that's not the way it happens. You said you had 5 near disasters just this month. I know you're experiencing 'fear of missing out'. Yet we know what's likely to happen if we cave & decide to risk it just one more time. I understand the longing to be a normal drinker. It can't happen for us. We take a huge chance every time we play with the idea of controlled drinking. Our new life, free of alcohol, can be much better than our old one. Have you talked yourself out of drinking this weekend? Would you maybe be able to discuss it with your new therapist? |
Hi Rick noone wants to be an alcoholic :) but...I had more than 20 years experience and data to suggest that my drinking was not good for me. If you're like me, you've woken up many a time thinking why did I have that last drink...but what I learned - finally - was that my problems started after the first drink, not the last..... No matter what good intent I had, that first drink smashed it...that first drink kicks off the insatiable unquenchable thirst.... and that's why I can't drink at all. I suspect you might be the same. I've grown to love sober me and my life now is full and richand packed full with people who like me, the real me... I could never say that as a drinker. D |
Thank you both. Yes I spoke to my therapist that night. One of the most interesting insights was noticing how perceived inferiority follows the arising of fear, and this fear seems to be a deeply conditioned response. When the fear is not present, neither is the inferiority. In meditation that evening I hit a profound state of clarity where the idea of drinking alcohol seemed to be irrational, nigh laughable. What I need to get comfortable with is the undulation of confident and negative states. This weekend many people in my town will be drinking. My aim is to use it as exposure to the life I want; one of clarity and no regrets but not avoidant of how others are living. I told the girl I am going with whilst in clarity last night just how many ways I might start to change my mind when the fear sets in. She is onboard. Crucially for me seems to be accepting the reality that there will be many moments ahead where I cannot accept I am no longer able to drink alcohol. But to see that as not something that needs to be acted on or rationalised, but just the natural result of non-acceptance. It will take time, and the natural effects of exposure to fear and the confidence and reward that comes on the other side when walking home sober. Thats the plan. |
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