Talking about not drinking
 

I know this is one of the most common threads for newcomers and one I've written about before, read about many times and commented on in the past. In a way I think I know the type of responses and I'm going to get to this, but I'm posting nonetheless.

Tonight I have dinner with some family and friends. We're going out to a restaurant. A small group that I'm very close to. I think that one among them, one is aware of my previous struggles with alcohol, and she knows that I'm not drinking anymore. I know this only because the last time she was over my house, she opened up a bottle of wine with my wife but didn't even offer me a glass.

I know it's no one's business what I decide to do with my life. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to not drinking anymore. But I also know that there is a level of awkwardness and discomfort to these conversations when had among people who still drink and who do socially and responsibly.

Anyhow I'm sure it's going to come up tonight, as everyone I'm going out with drinks. When the waitress comes around I'll indicate that I don't need a glass for the wine. It is what it is.

​​​​​I cherish my sobriety with all of the things in me that are of value. But I'm not really looking forward to the experience of sitting through a dinner while others drink and of having any conversation at all as to why I'm not. Thanks for letting me vent. Upward and onward.

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Good for you. Today I told my Motorcycle club members that I'd quit drinking. Thought I was going to get roasted for that (that's why I've been putting it off). It turns out, that a few other members raised concerns over their own drinking habits. Took me totally by surprise. I can't imagine going to a bike rally sober! But I'll soon find out what it's like when the weather gets better.

I think there are more people out there who know they have a problem, but don't want to be the first to do something about it.

I'm starting to believe that if anyone has ever had more than one drink voluntarily, they are addicted, though it obviously gets worse as they go on.

I'vr started to take note of others when I'm out and have been plesently surprised how many people don't drink whilst there out. I'd just never noticed it before. And why would I. I was too interested in getting drunk.

Honestly you hit the nail on the head. It can be awkward.

But then all of a sudden it isn't. True friends and family are still right there with ya. Keep it up.

P.S. -- if someone really challenges me for having a Diet Coke when everyone is drinking, I'll say that I had enough in my 20s to last a lifetime. Usually gets a laugh and then people leave it alone.

Hi Less :)

I dunno which is more awkward tho - no one talking about me and my drinking, or that being the sole topic of conversation around the table.

I've had both - and I prefer the former :)

All I can say is it doesn't bother me now - it's the new (now quite old) normal.

People only know me as a non drinker, or a guy who used to drink way too much in the dim distant past.

I really think that's the right perspective.

I'm many more things than simply an alcoholic :)

Enjoy your dinner! :)
D

I'm not alcoholic. I am a member of 12 step programs. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)

I don't eat wheat. I've accepted the diagnosis "suspected celiac". It's been a journey, including eating out.

Now I have many places I enjoy eating at that specialize in gluten-free and don't serve alcohol. It's a God thing. I love how I keep coming across more, new, fun experiences like this as I'm open to them. My home is gluten-free and alcohol-free also, and I enjoy this.



#thankyougod
#lawofattraction

I volunteer with a dog rescue group that holds a pot-luck crock pot fundraiser at a local brewery every Sunday. I think the subject of my not drinking has come up twice...

...in three years.

Awkwardness and discomfort is often a projection.

I have had one conversation with a gf about why I quit drinking and one with her teenage daughter. 2 people since Oct of 17 who asked. My husband who has never had an issue with booze quit completely too last September. My parents travel a lot and would bring back alcohol from different places for Christmas gifts. I told them, we're dry. So we got yeti cups and thermoses this year - much better deal.

No I am good, thanks, is all I say.

Vent away! I feel you.

It's kind of the same with many other things in life, though. For everyone. If you're on a keto or gluten-free diet, for example, you won't eat the bread on the table even though everyone else is. If you don't drink coffee, people will still invite you "out to coffee" as an event. People who look like one gender when they identify as another will still have to correct people who use the wrong pronouns for them. I can think of a million more examples. If you don't want to drink, the discomfort you are feeling is just the discomfort of social norms being imposed on you. It sucks, but don't give it more power than it deserves.

I was surprised by the number of people who don't, and didn't, care if I drank or not.
It's not the Elephant in the room, as I thought it would be when I first got sober, I don't ask them about there own drinking and I don't mean alcoholicly.
Maybe they can control it, maybe they can't. I don't ask them and they don't ask me.
Not one of my close friends has ever asked me why I don't drink any more.
I have a friend who comes over to visit. I buy him a six pack. He's never questioned why I don't drink. Ever. And we were very heavy drinkers together.
It's a non-issue for me. I don't care what people think about me not drinking and I don't care how much they drink. It's personal and private.
But then I haven't had a drink in ten years, so maybe to them it's just a given.
I don't drink.
At a restaurant or bar when I order 7 up no one cares.

I know a few people who probably have a drinking problem, like my friend, but I don't ask them about it. That would be uncouth. Let them drink.
Perhaps they feel the same way towards me. And to me it's a non-issue.

I agree with doggone about the projection issue. Often others don’t really care that much. Those that do are questioning their own drinking. Those are the ones who are more likely to ask questions also. You can say as little or as much as you are comfortable. Whatever your answer is, you might just inspire them to look at their own drinking :). I don’t share many details with many people but I’ve found that friends are motivated to cut down on alcohol when they see me not drinking, how happy I am and how much healthier I look and feel.

I also follow a very healthy diet which includes low carb and dairy, some combination of Keto, Paleo and Mediterranean:). I almost always pass on desserts including birthday cake. It’s similar to alcohol in that the people who notice and care the most or give me a hard time are the ones struggling with food, sugar or whatever. I’ve been on both sides of the fence (with both food and alcohol) so I can relate to this behavior of others

Nowadays, I categorize people who ask me into several groupings:

Strangers - response is "I dont drink". 99% of the time the query stops there. No need to further explain and they are not interested. If it does, then I simply shrug and say 'I dont like it'. End of query.

Acquaintances/Friends of friends/Fair weather friends: I usually say that I dont drink for reasons of faith. This is true as I practice Buddhism. But usually by mentioning the word 'faith', folks simply nod and dont pursue questioning. As well, 'faith' can have many interpretations (eg, faith in a higher power). Folks within this group only pursue further querying as they want gossip. I brush them away.

Closer friends: I tell them the truth in that I drank too much in the past and it was ruinous for my health. As well, it was impacting family life. I decided to stop drinking for everyone's sake. These folks will immediately offer support which is greatly appreciated though not necessary anymore.

Close friends/immediate family: they know the truth and supported me through the toughest times.

The only category not mentioned is distant families as I rarely, if ever, meet them.

In the past 6+ years, I've only had one friend who hounded me on why I did not drink. He kept trying during the entire dinner to get me to drink even to the point where his partner asked him to stop as he was embarrassing everyone. It was a reflection on him and not me.

lg, you say these are people you are close to.
would be safe, then, to assume that they care about you, your welfare and your comfort, and that there is some measure of safety if you were to decide to give an honest, general response to any potential question. and if anyone persisted, should be okay to suggest the conversation move on.
but by now you have already had your dinner and likely the sky hasn’t fallen.

At the risk of over thinking this, I wonder if one issue is our own beliefs. I was brought up to believe that the inability to drink alcohol was some sort of deficiency - my parents regarded teetotallers as odd, and as a teenager my friends would label people who didn’t drink a lot as lightweight.

When I started out in sobriety I was a defensive - with hindsight as much because of my own reaction as others. I recall the period of early sobriety as all a bit desperate, then I became sort of militant, mentally replacing my inability to drink with new skills I acquired in sobriety (“well I can’t drink but they can’t run a marathon, play a musical instrument” etc). Over time though I have moved on, fundamentally believing that an inability to drink is no sort of weakness, and recognising the practice of sobriety is a positive thing whether you are susceptible to alcohol or not. I just decline alcoholic drinks and it’s not an issue for me - I think it’s not an issue for others, but then I’m not really looking for it one way or another.

I can relate to that.

How did it go less?

Thanks for asking August. It was fine. When we arrived they were late to seat us, so of course brought a round of wine for everyone. I was the only one out of eight people who refused. I find that I become very aware of this fact while it's happening. I know of course that no one else is really caring or even recognizing that I'm standing there without a glass of wine in my hands. But I am still very aware of it.
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And then when we first sat down for dinner everyone ordered a cocktail. Same feeling, more of being left out than of actually wanting to participate. And that's more the general feeling I felt by the end. I ended up having a very nice dinner and was social and had a nice time. One friend was visibly drunk by the the end. I felt no envy at being in that state.

​​​​​The main thing for me it turns out is that I used to be a drinker. Everyone at dinner last night was at least aware of this via the experience of drinking with me. No one even questioned whether I was drinking or why I wasn't drinking last night. It's a level of discomfort for me in that it's not completely open, the fact that I no longer drink. Like a Band-Aid being pulled off, I guess I want that to be out in the open and finally established for everyone.

I kind of know what you're saying (maybe). There were times when I wanted to explain why I wasn't drinking in a group, but didn't want to bring it up, even though it would be nice to have an open discussion about it.

I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."

This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.

Exactly. Honestly, you nailed it right on the head for me. And in fact although I did not use AA or the steps to get sober, I do find myself attracted to the meetings for this very reason.

Nailed it again Driguy. Exactly how I feel when amongst drinkers.

When I initially quit drinking (years ago), I finally realized that if I looked around (in a restaurant, on an airplane, etc.), a LOT of people were not drinking.....certainly not as much as I did. I drank to get drunk....no doubt about it. After I had been sober awhile, I would just order something non-alcoholic, and nobody even questioned it. (Everyone knew I was a drunk , I guess, but me). Even with new people, though, I would just say something like "I don't drink" or "I've drank enough to last a lifetime".....if the conversation persisted.

Could be that she doesn't know that you quit drinking but because she doesn't like your behavior when you are drinking or because she doesn't want to contribute to a problem that she perceives you have.

I thought for sure that when I quit drinking it would be on the 6:00 news, turns out it wasn't near as newsworthy as I thought it was.

Just like normies never wonder if they have a problem with drinking, they also never pay attention to someone's non-consumption of alcohol. It is not a high priority with them

The only people who pay attention to someone's non-consumption of alcohol are those to whom alcohol is a huge priority. So when I start the process of making personal decisions about present actions and future consequences, I don't weigh their opinions very heavily.

I'm so glad the dinner went well for you. It was profoundly uncomfortable for me, too, at first. Like others have said, a lot of it is projection. Give it time. People were used to seeing me drink, and some did question it at first, but most shrugged their shoulders. Now everyone who knows me is used to it, people I've met since I've been sober have never seen me drink, and it's totally normal. Your behavior will put it out in the open. Give it time.

Everyone's different, but I don't publicly talk about being a recovered alcoholic except in very rare circumstances. But I'm very open and comfortable about being a non-drinker. It's way more normal than I had ever realized, hahaha!

Well done on getting through the dinner! I hope you have many more good times with friends, sans alcohol! :)

Spot on, Driguy! Thanks!

I usually start with a simple, "No thanks; I'm good."

I prefer to use humor. If asked directly, I often respond with:

"I drank more than my lifetime's supply before age 50, so..."

This gets a laugh and shuts them up.

The longer I'm sober the easier it is. I'm a musician and perform regularly in bars and venues with alcohol. People often want to buy me drinks between sets, and sometimes drinks are delivered to the stage. They just sit there, or a band member drinks them (although the drummer is not allowed, that animal).

Some family kind of avoid me because they drink and my sobriety and subsequent success (career, financial, joy) causes them some painful self reflection, I suspect. It is what it is.

I get not wanting to address it head on with people in early sobriety. For me, it was lack of confidence that I would remain sober, as well as shame for feeling I had to quit and that moderation had proven a non-option.

After a few years, my sobriety became of source of pride rather than shame. People have told me it's awesome that I don't drink and I don't judge those who do. In early sobriety I found being around people drinking kind of annoying, but now it doesn't bother me. Plus, I can be silly and hang with a drinking or stoner crowd, and then wake up the next morning and do yoga and have plenty of energy.

I think once I stopped judging myself for not drinking I stopped worrying about what others think about me not drinking. If folks don't want to hang with me, that' fine, cuz I'm fine with or without them.

so the problems not so much people asking you but you wanting to tell them, less?

I told every one when quit. I think I might have been a little like my well meaning vegan friends who manage to shoe horn veganism into every discussion :)

I was proud of what I was doing, and to be honest, my re awakening ego wanted the attaboys.

The reality is most peoples eyes will glaze over.
What I drink or don't drink just not a topic of interest to 99% of people.

I learned that the hard way and I also learned there were very few attaboys too.

Its hard for non alcoholics to appreciate the travails of the journey.

One of my particularly blunt mates said no one gets a parade for doing what they should have all along.

Harsh, but honestly? true, as hard as it was to hear that.....

Over time I lost what I see now as a need for external validation and I gained so much more from being sober that this ceased to be a problem for me.

I hope it will be for you too Less :)

D

​​​​​​Close to on point but not quite. It's not that I want credit from anyone really, instead I just want it known rather than something that has been discussed outside my presence and has this air of suppression about it or something. I don't like thinking that it's something that people know but are too uncomfortable to broach or to discuss. I don't know exactly, just don't like the idea that people know and are somehow too uncomfortable to talk about it. But I'm not really getting out what it is. I think the response about that I agreed with and one of the reasons that I sometimes go to AA gets closer to the truth of the matter.

And in terms of your friend's comment, the one that I really like best is - nobody gets credit for running out of a burning house.

Fair enough - I'm not sure you can wrangle people tho Less - they're a lot like cats...ornery ones :)

I found when I made my peace over what and who I was, what others said thought or did mattered a lot less?

D

Drinking responsibly umm what does that mean?

Thank you for your post LG but there is no way to drink responsibly. norms think there is but is a lie.

Alcohol is a toxin and a depressant and no matter how low levels or social you are with it is affecting your health.

The big C , your brain your liver your emotional being its all being affecting no matter how responsible you are. this believe makes me very angry because yes i had become unresponsively with my drinking but no i started thinking i could drink responsibly and look at me now.

alcohol is a drug and i way dangerous one we let the public believe . we let ethanol into our lives our thumps and demises and it lets us think its a friend.

well look at me now... i will probably died from this... it all started by drinking responsibly.

don't go back you are in the right path everyone else are drinking the cooley.

I tend to agree — yes, alcohol is an addictive poison, and a 4th macronutrient that the human body has to work very hard to break down. But for many of us here it’s simply not enjoyable in any moderate amounts... it’s incredibly addictive and destructive. It’s bad news for alcohol to enter my bloodstream.

But I also know it can be consumed responsibility and enjoyed by many people in moderation. My wife can enjoy a single glass of white wine but never has more than that — I have never seen her drunk. When I told her I was having difficulty with alcohol, it gave her no difficulty whatsoever to give it up in solidarity. I’ve never experienced alcohol the way she does, where it’s just “no big deal.” I was hooked from my first drink at 19 years old.

For me personally, it would do me no good to snub my nose at people who can and do enjoy alcohol. But they are no more “normal” than me.