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Talking about not drinking

Old 02-08-2019, 01:14 PM
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Talking about not drinking

I know this is one of the most common threads for newcomers and one I've written about before, read about many times and commented on in the past. In a way I think I know the type of responses and I'm going to get to this, but I'm posting nonetheless.

Tonight I have dinner with some family and friends. We're going out to a restaurant. A small group that I'm very close to. I think that one among them, one is aware of my previous struggles with alcohol, and she knows that I'm not drinking anymore. I know this only because the last time she was over my house, she opened up a bottle of wine with my wife but didn't even offer me a glass.

I know it's no one's business what I decide to do with my life. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to not drinking anymore. But I also know that there is a level of awkwardness and discomfort to these conversations when had among people who still drink and who do socially and responsibly.

Anyhow I'm sure it's going to come up tonight, as everyone I'm going out with drinks. When the waitress comes around I'll indicate that I don't need a glass for the wine. It is what it is.

​​​​​I cherish my sobriety with all of the things in me that are of value. But I'm not really looking forward to the experience of sitting through a dinner while others drink and of having any conversation at all as to why I'm not. Thanks for letting me vent. Upward and onward.

​​​​​​
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Old 02-08-2019, 01:24 PM
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Good for you. Today I told my Motorcycle club members that I'd quit drinking. Thought I was going to get roasted for that (that's why I've been putting it off). It turns out, that a few other members raised concerns over their own drinking habits. Took me totally by surprise. I can't imagine going to a bike rally sober! But I'll soon find out what it's like when the weather gets better.

I think there are more people out there who know they have a problem, but don't want to be the first to do something about it.

I'm starting to believe that if anyone has ever had more than one drink voluntarily, they are addicted, though it obviously gets worse as they go on.

I'vr started to take note of others when I'm out and have been plesently surprised how many people don't drink whilst there out. I'd just never noticed it before. And why would I. I was too interested in getting drunk.
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Old 02-08-2019, 01:47 PM
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Honestly you hit the nail on the head. It can be awkward.

But then all of a sudden it isn't. True friends and family are still right there with ya. Keep it up.

P.S. -- if someone really challenges me for having a Diet Coke when everyone is drinking, I'll say that I had enough in my 20s to last a lifetime. Usually gets a laugh and then people leave it alone.
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Old 02-08-2019, 02:02 PM
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Hi Less

I dunno which is more awkward tho - no one talking about me and my drinking, or that being the sole topic of conversation around the table.

I've had both - and I prefer the former

All I can say is it doesn't bother me now - it's the new (now quite old) normal.

People only know me as a non drinker, or a guy who used to drink way too much in the dim distant past.

I really think that's the right perspective.

I'm many more things than simply an alcoholic

Enjoy your dinner!
D
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Old 02-08-2019, 02:09 PM
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I'm not alcoholic. I am a member of 12 step programs. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I don't eat wheat. I've accepted the diagnosis "suspected celiac". It's been a journey, including eating out.

Now I have many places I enjoy eating at that specialize in gluten-free and don't serve alcohol. It's a God thing. I love how I keep coming across more, new, fun experiences like this as I'm open to them. My home is gluten-free and alcohol-free also, and I enjoy this.



#thankyougod
#lawofattraction
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Old 02-08-2019, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
....I also know that there is a level of awkwardness and discomfort to these conversations when had among people who still drink and who do socially and responsibly.
​​​​​​
I volunteer with a dog rescue group that holds a pot-luck crock pot fundraiser at a local brewery every Sunday. I think the subject of my not drinking has come up twice...

...in three years.

Awkwardness and discomfort is often a projection.
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Old 02-08-2019, 04:53 PM
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I have had one conversation with a gf about why I quit drinking and one with her teenage daughter. 2 people since Oct of 17 who asked. My husband who has never had an issue with booze quit completely too last September. My parents travel a lot and would bring back alcohol from different places for Christmas gifts. I told them, we're dry. So we got yeti cups and thermoses this year - much better deal.

No I am good, thanks, is all I say.
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Old 02-08-2019, 05:05 PM
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Vent away! I feel you.

It's kind of the same with many other things in life, though. For everyone. If you're on a keto or gluten-free diet, for example, you won't eat the bread on the table even though everyone else is. If you don't drink coffee, people will still invite you "out to coffee" as an event. People who look like one gender when they identify as another will still have to correct people who use the wrong pronouns for them. I can think of a million more examples. If you don't want to drink, the discomfort you are feeling is just the discomfort of social norms being imposed on you. It sucks, but don't give it more power than it deserves.
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Old 02-08-2019, 05:49 PM
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I was surprised by the number of people who don't, and didn't, care if I drank or not.
It's not the Elephant in the room, as I thought it would be when I first got sober, I don't ask them about there own drinking and I don't mean alcoholicly.
Maybe they can control it, maybe they can't. I don't ask them and they don't ask me.
Not one of my close friends has ever asked me why I don't drink any more.
I have a friend who comes over to visit. I buy him a six pack. He's never questioned why I don't drink. Ever. And we were very heavy drinkers together.
It's a non-issue for me. I don't care what people think about me not drinking and I don't care how much they drink. It's personal and private.
But then I haven't had a drink in ten years, so maybe to them it's just a given.
I don't drink.
At a restaurant or bar when I order 7 up no one cares.

I know a few people who probably have a drinking problem, like my friend, but I don't ask them about it. That would be uncouth. Let them drink.
Perhaps they feel the same way towards me. And to me it's a non-issue.
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Old 02-08-2019, 06:07 PM
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I agree with doggone about the projection issue. Often others don’t really care that much. Those that do are questioning their own drinking. Those are the ones who are more likely to ask questions also. You can say as little or as much as you are comfortable. Whatever your answer is, you might just inspire them to look at their own drinking . I don’t share many details with many people but I’ve found that friends are motivated to cut down on alcohol when they see me not drinking, how happy I am and how much healthier I look and feel.

I also follow a very healthy diet which includes low carb and dairy, some combination of Keto, Paleo and Mediterranean. I almost always pass on desserts including birthday cake. It’s similar to alcohol in that the people who notice and care the most or give me a hard time are the ones struggling with food, sugar or whatever. I’ve been on both sides of the fence (with both food and alcohol) so I can relate to this behavior of others
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:07 PM
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Nowadays, I categorize people who ask me into several groupings:

Strangers - response is "I dont drink". 99% of the time the query stops there. No need to further explain and they are not interested. If it does, then I simply shrug and say 'I dont like it'. End of query.

Acquaintances/Friends of friends/Fair weather friends: I usually say that I dont drink for reasons of faith. This is true as I practice Buddhism. But usually by mentioning the word 'faith', folks simply nod and dont pursue questioning. As well, 'faith' can have many interpretations (eg, faith in a higher power). Folks within this group only pursue further querying as they want gossip. I brush them away.

Closer friends: I tell them the truth in that I drank too much in the past and it was ruinous for my health. As well, it was impacting family life. I decided to stop drinking for everyone's sake. These folks will immediately offer support which is greatly appreciated though not necessary anymore.

Close friends/immediate family: they know the truth and supported me through the toughest times.

The only category not mentioned is distant families as I rarely, if ever, meet them.

In the past 6+ years, I've only had one friend who hounded me on why I did not drink. He kept trying during the entire dinner to get me to drink even to the point where his partner asked him to stop as he was embarrassing everyone. It was a reflection on him and not me.
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:31 PM
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lg, you say these are people you are close to.
would be safe, then, to assume that they care about you, your welfare and your comfort, and that there is some measure of safety if you were to decide to give an honest, general response to any potential question. and if anyone persisted, should be okay to suggest the conversation move on.
but by now you have already had your dinner and likely the sky hasn’t fallen.
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Old 02-08-2019, 08:13 PM
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I really only find it super efffing annoying with family. In a loud, scratchy, overpublic tone~~~ “*insert name*, hOw’s iT gOiNg WiTh ThE nOt DrInKiNg???” ... like wtfffff 😂😭
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Old 02-08-2019, 09:03 PM
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At the risk of over thinking this, I wonder if one issue is our own beliefs. I was brought up to believe that the inability to drink alcohol was some sort of deficiency - my parents regarded teetotallers as odd, and as a teenager my friends would label people who didn’t drink a lot as lightweight.

When I started out in sobriety I was a defensive - with hindsight as much because of my own reaction as others. I recall the period of early sobriety as all a bit desperate, then I became sort of militant, mentally replacing my inability to drink with new skills I acquired in sobriety (“well I can’t drink but they can’t run a marathon, play a musical instrument” etc). Over time though I have moved on, fundamentally believing that an inability to drink is no sort of weakness, and recognising the practice of sobriety is a positive thing whether you are susceptible to alcohol or not. I just decline alcoholic drinks and it’s not an issue for me - I think it’s not an issue for others, but then I’m not really looking for it one way or another.
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Old 02-09-2019, 02:03 AM
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I really only find it super efffing annoying with family. In a loud, scratchy, overpublic tone~~~ “*insert name*, hOw’s iT gOiNg WiTh ThE nOt DrInKiNg???” ... like wtfffff 😂😭
I can relate to that.
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Old 02-09-2019, 03:08 AM
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How did it go less?
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Old 02-09-2019, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
How did it go less?
Thanks for asking August. It was fine. When we arrived they were late to seat us, so of course brought a round of wine for everyone. I was the only one out of eight people who refused. I find that I become very aware of this fact while it's happening. I know of course that no one else is really caring or even recognizing that I'm standing there without a glass of wine in my hands. But I am still very aware of it.
​​​​​​
And then when we first sat down for dinner everyone ordered a cocktail. Same feeling, more of being left out than of actually wanting to participate. And that's more the general feeling I felt by the end. I ended up having a very nice dinner and was social and had a nice time. One friend was visibly drunk by the the end. I felt no envy at being in that state.

​​​​​The main thing for me it turns out is that I used to be a drinker. Everyone at dinner last night was at least aware of this via the experience of drinking with me. No one even questioned whether I was drinking or why I wasn't drinking last night. It's a level of discomfort for me in that it's not completely open, the fact that I no longer drink. Like a Band-Aid being pulled off, I guess I want that to be out in the open and finally established for everyone.
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Old 02-09-2019, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
No one even questioned whether I was drinking or why I wasn't drinking last night. It's a level of discomfort for me in that it's not completely open, the fact that I no longer drink. Like a Band-Aid being pulled off, I guess I want that to be out in the open and finally established for everyone.
I kind of know what you're saying (maybe). There were times when I wanted to explain why I wasn't drinking in a group, but didn't want to bring it up, even though it would be nice to have an open discussion about it.

I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."

This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.
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Old 02-09-2019, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
I kind of know what you're saying (maybe). There were times when I wanted to explain why I wasn't drinking in a group, but didn't want to bring it up, even though it would be nice to have an open discussion about it.

I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."

This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.
Exactly. Honestly, you nailed it right on the head for me. And in fact although I did not use AA or the steps to get sober, I do find myself attracted to the meetings for this very reason.
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Old 02-09-2019, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
I kind of know what you're saying (maybe). There were times when I wanted to explain why I wasn't drinking in a group, but didn't want to bring it up, even though it would be nice to have an open discussion about it.

I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."

This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.
Nailed it again Driguy. Exactly how I feel when amongst drinkers.
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