Hello
 

This is my first time on this forum, or anything like this forum. I have been struggling lately. Alcohol has been a problem for me since turning 21. I don't really remember being overly drawn to it before I was 21, other than shortly after turning 18 I dated an Alcoholic, and I was too young to realize how big of a problem it was for him. I began drinking more at the beginning of that relationship because it was all he wanted to do, but I quickly realized I needed to stop. I would drink casually at parties with my friends after that but nothing crazy until my 21st birthday. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self esteem problems my whole life, and regrettably discovered (at first) that alcohol "helped" my anxiety (which I know now isn't true but it was a good feeling for me in the beginning) - and as I had to drink more and more to get to that happy feeling, I discovered that drinking numbed out everything and I didn't have to deal with anything if I didn't want to. I began drinking heavily every night after work to relieve stress and have fun after a busy shift, and then it was every night, whether I worked or not. It started out with a few shots a night and turned into as many shots as I could afford that day. Alcohol has caused problems in my work life, my relationship with my family, boyfriends, friends... I've been in trouble with the law - all these negative things. Every time I drink I go into a "shame spiral" where I feel like crap (literally - get so hungover I am unable to function the next day) and mentally beat myself up and hate myself more and more. Last summer I caused a car accident that I can't even remember. I thank God every day that no one was hurt. I got a DUI, and went through the outpatient treatment required. I thought I'd hate it at first because I rarely do anything social not under the influence, but I did find it more helpful than not. I continued to drink though. Maybe once a week. - Now I try to keep myself busy and have even gone up to two/three weeks without going out to the bar, but my addicted brain always eventually finds an excuse. Even though I have been successfully spacing out my drinking, I have been completely unable to stop once I start. The last two times I completely blacked out. This last time for hours. I'm sick of making mistakes, and I'm sick of hating myself more and more every time I go out. My binging is out of control and I've never once said to myself "Okay, I need to stop" - it's usually "Okay, how can I get by, do better, but still drink once in a while" and I need to stop making excuses for myself and just realize it's not something I can even handle doing once in a while. I have problems with face to face interactions, I enjoyed my one on one counseling more than I did the meetings. I'm hoping hanging out on here will be helpful to me. I'm just at a complete loss of what to do, and I hate that it's so hard to change and let go of something I KNOW IS ONLY BAD FOR ME. I've used it as a crutch for so long... it's almost like losing my best friend, but worst enemy at the same time and I don't know what to do.

You said you don't like meetings meaning AA?

Welcome Helloxdarling :grouphug:

Sounds like drinking is getting you into trouble, lots of it. :( I hope you'll utilize the support here to get sober for good, before something worse happens as a result of your drinking. :(

I haven't actually gone to an AA meeting, I've thought about it many times but I work myself into panic attacks anytime I have to do something social that I'm not used to. As part of my DUI sentencing I went through out patient treatment and IOP/EOP meetings one to three times a week. Maybe AA would be different but I found the group meeting very uncomfortable.

Thank you Healthyandsober

And thank you Least. Like I said, I have never tried to stop drinking "once and for all" it's always been "how can i manage my life better and still drink" - but I am realizing too late that I should have just tried to quit a long time ago. I'm sicking of hurting other people, I never want to hurt anyone else because of my problem anymore, and while I don't really care about myself much, I am tired of being in mental and physical pain.

AA is not for everyone however I found it to be a community that knows what you're going through and wants to help you through recovery. Maybe try one meeting and then go from there.

You can do this so keep focusing on a new and stronger you!

Welcome to SR helloxdarling :)

I knew what to do - stop drinking - but I dodmn;t know how to manage that for more than a few days. This community helped me stay sober and turn my life around.

Become a regular poster here. There's tons of support and good advice :)

D

Hi Helloexdarling and welcome to SR. You’ll find so many here, like me, that can personally relate to how you feel.

I understand that for many AA and other group meetings have been critical to their success in sobriety and that’s a wonderful thing. For various reasons, one being the anxiety that the thought of group meetings induced, I chose SR as my mainstay. So for now, I’d encourage you to jump in and look around the forums, see how it works etc.. Be proactive and get yourself involved here daily. You’ll find lots of understanding and support. You can always add group meetings at a later time as a compliment to SR.

You CAN turn your life to a whole new direction. :)

BDTL, I may have to try a meeting eventually then. It does sound like a good atmosphere, I just don't do good with people. Social situations are a trigger of mine. Maybe in a few weeks when I'm not quite as on edge I could try to find a ride to one. I'm sure my anxiety and fear of it is blown out of proportion, I just don't want to rush into it too soon and fall down again. :(

Thank you Dee74 :) I am liking this forum setting so far, and I feel a little more hopeful than earlier today. Only been sober since bar close on Saturday but all day yesterday I was sick and mentally beating myself up and coming here has helped me not get so stuck in my depression following a bad night of bingeing. Thank you for your words.

Thank you Mark1014. I find it hard to talk about, because no one in my life other than my very best friend knows how I feel. But I don't like leaning on her for this at all, because she recently has started on her own recovery and I don't want to trigger her backwards. This is the only forum section I have looked at so far, but I will try to become more familiar with the rest of it in the next few days. Any posts you recommend reading first?

I tried this for years before finally quitting alcohol completely. I thought it would really suck not drinking, but was totally wrong. I went to IOP. The last thing I wanted to do was group therapy. I can be very anxious talking in groups. However, it got better and better. I forced myself to my first AA meeting too. I kept going and have a home group with familiar faces that I'm comfortable in now. It can also be nice meeting with a sponsor 1 on 1. I think the more time you have abstinent from alcohol your brain readjusts and some of the anxiety will go away naturally. Then after that I think it was important for me to learn how to handle anxiety without alcohol. The meetings and working the steps helped.

It feels so good that I've already spoken with people who feel the same burden I do. Thank you for your response. I have tried to cut down, and make it better this way and it just isn't working and I can't keep telling myself it is. I know I've been in denial, once you're in as deep as I had been I don't think there can be any control. And that scares me. I'm hoping as time goes on I'll be less anxious about going to a meeting. It's in the same building my IOP/EOP was and the only person I know who is able to give me rides during the day is my Step Father and he jokes and calls the whole building "Drunks R US" - so spending time around him is not ideal but I think finding a sponsor to talk with one on one would be helpful to me eventually. I can go days, weeks without alcohol and then something sparks in my mind and I binge until I pass out. I don't want to be like this anymore.

A good starting point would be a ‘class’. On the first of each month a class begins in this forum. The class is made up of folks who have decided as you have that they need to leave drinking behind. So tomorrow look for the class of August 2018 to form. Jump in as others will and find support as well as offer support. Also there is a ‘weekender ‘ thread that starts, also in this forum, each Thursday I think. It is a great informal place to jump in for immediate support if you need it over the weekend. Just pop in and introduce yourself. You will be welcomed by some of the regulars that keep it going. Finally, another starting point is in the newcomers daily support thread forum called the 24 hour thread. It is where you can join others and make a commitment to stay free of alcohol for the day....not worrying about the next day yet. Just focus on the day at hand.

Look around those threads and you’ll get a feel for how they work.

Wishing you the best day.

Totally understand and I hope you find what works best for you. Hold your head up high and believe in yourself. Be your own best friend and leave the past behind. I wish you the best to achieve lasting sobriety!

July 'Class' thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-2.html

Weekender thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...2018-a-10.html

24 hour commitment thread :

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pt-4-a-19.html

A new Class of August thread will start soon :)

D

Thank you Dee! I posted in the August class.
Still here, still sober.

I am grateful.

Welcome to SR helloxdarling! You are certainly not alone in binge drinking until blackout. It sounds like you have made the right decision.