Its important to learn some coping mechanisms on how to deal with these challenges. They will happen again. I used to drink "at" anything and everything and it made me a drunk. You can learn how to be sober, but you have to really want it.

I hope that you can care for yourself enough to step away from your mother for awhile. Clearly she is toxic to you and you need your energy to focus on sobriety and recovery. This is a time to be selfish and to begin the journey of loving yourself enough to choose what is right for you.

Yc,

Sorry I mistook Lady as the op.

Hang in there. It has gotten better and better.

I still crave, but I am 100 times stronger than I was 3 years ago.

We addicts can never drink again.

Thanks.

So... I did end up drinking a bit more. And I feel shittier than ever. I felt it coming, I just needed an excuse to push me over that edge. Once I took that first sip, it was over. I was kidding myself that I could stop, as usual.

I did stop myself before before becoming crazy drunk, but enough to feel like ****. Enough to feel super thirsty and tired. I almost forgot how much it sucks to feel like this. Time to start over, unfortunately.

Btw, I ended up drinking what was in the house before my husband got home. So...you were right. I should have just dumped it and taken the repercussions from my husband if he was upset. Better than this.

Honestly the best coping mechanism I’ve found is apathy. I don’t care if people think I did drink or didn’t. Sure I’ve gotten pissed off and felt like drinking - but it’s easier to not be disappointed in myself and waste the struggle of all those early days. I would be even more pissed at starting over , than I would be at someone accusing me of being drunk. But in my case there was no guessing if I was drunk because I’d have a drink in my hand , probably cursing at someone , or sitting alone and drowning myself while chain smoking.

I know apathy sounds like a bad thing but try it , who cares what anyone thinks? It’s about what you got inside you that really matters.

When I got sober I had 20 years of times I'd flat out bare faced lied about my drinking.

It took a long time to earn that trust back. Much longer than I wanted, in most cases, but you know, I set the parameters that made people not trust me in the first place.

But I reset them and people responded to the positive changes in me, in time :)

There can be another toxic dynamic too of course.

Anyone who didn't respond positively and kept a grudge going is not someone I spend much time with these days.

It was for those reasons I had minimal contact with my family for a few years.

All that being said, drinking at someone is not the way to earn that trust back - however justified your rage feels.

Next time direct your anger at the AV YCDT :)

Drinking probably isn't the best way to show her she was wrong

Setting healthy boundaries with my mother was/is a necessary part of my sobriety. Sounds like it may be important for you as well.

^^^This!

YCDT, its a new day- A day you have a choice- keep living in the problem or start living in the solution. as you will see today, drinking didnt solve anything. it made it worse.
alcohol is not a solution. one solution would be what has been mentioned here- boundaries with your mother. seems it would be wise to not allow her in your house.
i hope that when you get back and people start giving suggestions for solutions ya dont find excuses why you cant use the suggestions- ya gotta be willing to go to any lengths and part of that is massive change.
its worth it a d so are you- youre not a bad person just a sick one and there is a solution.

I'm sorry to hear that you kept drinking.

I truly hope you choose to stop drinking, full stop.

I have learned that 1 resentment 2 anger 3 blaming - all related- are the perfect ways to sabotage my physical, emotional sobriety, any chance of joy I have...and, indeed, my whole existence.

We can keep repeating our own versions of the same advice and experience - you are the only one who can decide on that massive change we are describing.

It's not a big deal that you kept drinking, if you stop today. You can't leave that decision up in the air, dependent on what your mom does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say. You have to make the commitment not to drink, no matter what.

Wish you the best!