So whats the next step?
 

Hi everyone, back here again at day 0 as usual after a good selfish 3 weeks of moderate level binging. Just beer and wine after work.

Really not quite sure where to start this again as these same step's over and over have brought be back to drinking anyway. But my hair is thin and dull again so i guess it's a good time stop.

Last attempt was 2 weeks sober and I nearly made it to a AA meeting, but I guess out of shame I didn't go. I have also been thinking about rehab just to get me started. But again out of shame i probably won't go.

So where too now? I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans. My main drive in the past to stay sober was my fiancee, she helped alot. But now that there is no relationship anymore there is no drive to look after myself. (Drinking was breakup factor)

I don't really have any hobbies, I've tried all sorts of groups and meetups and activities, but it's not for me. I've started dating but can't find the drive to meet new woman, it's alot of work, and not easy work when you also have alcoholism. So I've stopped dating. And I've run out of energy trying to slot myself into society, I just work and drink.

My story isn't a dramatic or explosive one, iam just slowly sinking here am I guess subconsciously accepting iam destined to live a mess of a life.

One day I might have a family and they will also be a mess because iam a mess. That's scary.

there is no shame in heading to an AA meeting....everyone is there for the exact same reason. same with rehab.....they are there FOR YOU.

the more tools you have in your arsenal, the more successful your sobriety can be. we all need a plan..........mileage on that can vary.

today is the day! don't try to sort out the next ten years of your life, keep it simple, and stay sober NOW.

glad y amade it back, renvate. you even aswered your own question:

So where too now?
I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans
with that, it seems you already know you have to get tools, a program, and/or a plan into action.

can you explain the shame of going to AA meetings? fear of being seen at a place to get help maybe?

More the fact that it will become a part of who I am. I tend to be a very verbal person about my life events to people around me. And so It won't stay very anonymous.

I haven't ruled it out though, can't judge if you haven't tried right.

There should be no shame in going to AA meetings. Everyone is there because they have issues with alcohol, and people are there in all stages of sobriety. From Day 1 to 20+ years sober, from one and done to multiple relapses. No matter where u you start, the end goal is the same.

White knuckling is abstinent, there needs to be sobriety, as abstinence alone is a terrible place to live. There are plenty of other sobriety programs out there besides AA, if it ends up not being your thing...see the secular recovery forums if curious. Spend a lot of time here in our community. Therapy, both cognitive and/or psychodynamic, is also an option.

Living a life without substances doesn’t just happen, it is learned through experience. Relationships are vastly improved. Interests are free to develop when you have the time and focus released when you are no longer using your DOC(s),

The more time you spend sober, the better your life becomes.

Straight talk here - what's moderate? What's Just?

You're in denial. If you're drinking you aren't abstaining and whatever 'forceful restraint' you are trying isn't working.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Intention doesn't get us sober. Be careful of shame and guilt, we use it as an excuse to keep drinking. The AV makes us feel like if we're just sorry enough or just guilty enough that makes up for giving in. It doesn't.

It's not destiny. And it's not so subconscious when you write it. You're trying to negotiate with it. It gets worse, not better.


I'm being direct because I hope you can find it in you to start working Step 1 and let go. There's no need to let it dismantle the rest of your life. There's absolutely no downside to sobriety. None. But you'll have to get out of denial first.

Plenty of resources here for a plan that works for you. Certainly doesn't have to be AA. But as an outsider reading what you are writing I'd be wary of judging any plan or program until you've accepted that you need and want the help and have worked any one of them through regardless of how you feel about them in the moment.

Be well

-B

There is no shame in going to an AA meeting and no shame in going to rehab. I went to rehab and I continue to go to AA. I felt shame in the drink, not in the solution.

Unfortunately we don’t get sober if we do nothing. No amount of maybes, should haves, mights or tomorrows is going to get us sober. Getting sober takes action and effort. For me I took the following steps.

1. I admitted I had a problem that I was unable to fix on my own.
2. Went to a doctor for a base line health assessment and referral to out patient therapy
3. Went to IOP 3 days a week and AA 3 days a week
4. Completed IOP and went to AA 6 days a week
5. Over the years I have reduced my AA meetings to 3 per week

I am active in my recovery on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, recovery readings, speaking and socializing with people in recovery.

The time to get sober is now. Come up with a plan and stick too it.

YOU CAN DO THIS, but only you can take the first step.

Straight to AA. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
The highlighted parts are classic AV excuses to keep drinking. Do the right thing. Put the bottle down and just walk in some doors and sit down, as easy as it gets! :c011:

you have a choice to make it verbal or not,though.
AA isnt who i am. the way i live? yup. but not who i am.
reads like more of an excuse than anything,ren.

cant hurt to take a couple nights a week for the next month and go to meetings,either, could it?

^^^^Agree.

Hi xx
I totally agree with everyone
Only you can do this ..but you have to want to ... No one else's decision only yours and yours alone
First step .. Admitting it
I never thought I could do that
Yet here I am 103 days later SOBER..
It's not easy at all ...
But it's way easier than drinking yourself to an early grave my friend
Small steps
Big hugs
Caralara ❤️

More the fact that it will become a part of who I am. I tend to be a very verbal person about my life events to people around me. And so It won't stay very anonymous.

i'm not sure that even makes much sense as a defense....right now you say your life is two things - working and drinking. THAT is what your life is about RIGHT NOW. and i'm sure it's not as much as secret as you may think. i can think of worse things to become than a recovering alcoholic.....? that puts you in survivor category, and everybody loves a survivor.

i also suggest that maybe you have some misconceptions about meetings and AA........you're not the first, but why not try three different meetings over the next few days? just go and LISTEN. you can easily find a meeting near you

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

welcoem back Renvate :)

I think first step is accept you need to do more for your recovery this time if you want to stay sober for good.

Maybe it's actually walking into through those doors to an AA meeting - maybe it's something else but do think about it. You need more action.

I used to think that too but I'm securely in recovery and I know who I am and I'm happy with my life. I'm a bit old in the tooth now but I think I'd have made a pretty good parent based on the real me :)

The chance for you to become who you always should have been is there - yours for the taking renvate.

Clearly the tactics you have tried in the past to get clean have not worked so you need to try something else. Whether it is AA, rehab, counseling, etc... That's for you to decide but you've got to try something different. Personally I'd be willing to try anything including rehab. You talk about having a family but if you keep drinking there is no guarantee you'll be alive to have a family. Some alcoholics live long lives but most do not.

If you are determined and truly want to quit eventually you will find what works for you. It took me months of constantly trying and failing to figure it out but eventually I did.

Just never give up trying to quit and do whatever it takes!

Glad to see you are back my friend.

I nearly went to AA, then I got drunk. Then I went to AA and nearly worked the steps, then I got drunk. I went to AA, had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps at a good clip, and have not taken a drink in 38 years.

I guess like me, if you keep nearly taking action on recovery, you will keep nearly getting sober.

Renvate,

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re in denial. You’re aware that drinking has become a problem. It’s paradoxical but it was true for me: I drank a lot when I had a girlfriend and even more when I didn’t. Even though attractive women mess me up, they’re a panacea of sorts. I can’t figure it out; I’ve stopped trying. I’ve decided not to drink over women, which is admittedly difficult.

I hope you decide not to drink over your fiancé.

It seems like you are withdrawing from much of life, it's just work and alcohol.

Alcoholism can do that to you. Unfortunately, there may come a time when your drinking impacts your work and you lose your job. Then it's just you and the bottle. That's pretty scary.

First reaction "what? of course am not in denial" but dig deeper and it all starts to make sense.

I am frustrated about it all. BUT whos fault is this? it's all mine.

I chose to drink again and then chose to "stop" when I am ready.

Going through the history of my alcohol abuse only highlights my choices. "drink this weekend stop next week" "have some fun stop when hair gets dull and eyes get puffy" "liver needs a break, stop for a bit"

oh wait.. this IS denial.

I didn't choose sobriety, I just chose to stop so I could prolong my selfish alcohol abuse in the near future.

not sure how more dead honest I can be. I've drifted into the dangerous waters of content about my alcohol abuse.

I need some advice on this feeling of "content" - Again i am being DEAD HONEST and forgive me please, but my mindset is calm about being a self-destructive alcoholic, it does not scare me anymore, i am OK with the life I am choosing ( this is not good though, I know its not good, I don't LIKE that I am ok with slowly dying)

I just had a thought, I think i might be a bit past casual AA meetings to get on the road to recovery. I might look into going to an Alcohol Abuse therapist, Feeling content about a worthless life and being content about dying early as long as I have all the alcohol to drink is not a good sign, I am not right in the head if those are my thoughts.


Please share some advice on this level of content I am feeling about my addiction. I am sure I am not the first one.


don't know why I dread to see responses to what I write, more shame i guess to my yet another life problem with still no success.

Maybe you feel content with your addiction because it has become all you know. You mention a connection between your drinking and relationships, have you thought about the fact that you may be in a relationship with alcohol?

Funny as it may sound getting sober to me at first felt like breaking up with the love of my life, the addict part of me did not understand why I was leaving the alcohol. It didn't understand that it was hurting me.

You need to start seeing alcohol as a manipulative and unhealthy additive to your life, and not as a source of comfort. And as others have said above begin to take action and adding positive and healthy influences to your life. Don't listen to what the alcohol is telling you.

Much love

I genuinely thought this too - but lying on your bathroom floor for hours not being able to get up drifting in and out of consciousness and bleeding from a head wound has a marvellous way of focusing you and your aims in life.

Alcohol numbed me - even when I wasn't drunk I floated about in an apathetic haze.

I thought that was me but it was addiction at work.

I'd become the frog in the saucepan.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html

D

Hi Dee.

Thanks for your reply. I have taken the day off today and going to a doctor in a few hours to discuss some options. I don't want to go to AA and share these thoughts with a group people because that is ultimately what i will do. I believe i need some professional advice and guidance at the moment.

No apology required. Getting out of denial is a shocking experience. I thought I knew what denial was. I didn't. That's the irony. Denial stacked on denial. It's very hard to see. That's the nature of the thing.

I too had gotten to a point that I 'accepted' my lifestyle. I was so deeply cynical about everything that I was ok with dying slowly - or so I thought. I lived that way until I had an incident that blew everything up.

It's one thing to be able to think we can accept the destruction when the world isn't collapsing around us. It's entirely another when it does. And it's not a matter of if it's going to happen - only when.

Good on you for getting help and being honest. Seriously. It takes courage.

Do whatever you need to to stay sober in these first few days. But big picture be very cautious about judging programs. AA may not be for you - maybe it's another course. Whatever the case - be aware that we have an Addictive Voice (see rational recovery) that will use judgements to keep us down. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do regardless of how we feel about it in the moment - that's exactly the place I'm confronting right now.

Be well. Keep us in the loop on how things develop. You can do this and you have a lot of support here.

-B

Hey, Ren.
I understand all too well about shame, but it can be deadly and prevent you from living a good life without the crippling effect of alcohol.
I needed a lot of help to get and stay sober. I nearly killed myself with drink but found that spark of hope (almost extinguished) within me, said to hell with the shame and went to detox and inpatient treatment for two months. Even after all that I relapsed 3 years later, drove drunk, wrecked my car and nearly died. I went back to rehab for a month and decided to give sobriety my absolute all. Now I am in my twenty-seventh month of sobriety and I am happy. My mental and physical health have improved greatly. I do volunteer work with a local museum, with a summer camp for girls to teach them how to play an instrument and form a rock band, and I play bass in the band at my church. I also spend lots of time at SR. The good people here have been a huge help to me. I don't attend AA now, but it has helped me before and most rehabs use the 12-step model.
My shame is no more. It is a wonderful feeling and I wish this for you, too. You can do it!

To the parts I marked in bold-

I had to choose to LIVE- or CHOOSE to DIE. Period. No negotiating, and when I was honest: passively or actively I was choosing death.

It's never too late for AA, IMO. Other things like therapists, etc, are often good choices as well as a fundamental, DAILY program - at least if you are a hopeless alcoholic like I became. And I certainly don't think of MY AA program as "casual." As someone said in my mtg today: my recovery and my life are inseparable. "Half efforts (would) avail me (us) nothing," is how the Big Book puts it at one point.

I think the answer to that last part is "because you know the answer." You know what you need to do: quit drinking, full stop, forever. However you do that is up to you - but that's the only solution I have found to the death path I was on and the unmanageable, terrifying, horrible so-called life I was existing with while drinking.

Your choice.

Thanks for the inputs. I spoke to my doctor, unfortunately he didn't take me all to seriously, with humor he asked "you only have a problem if you drink more than your doctor"

I didn't find it to humorous, neither did he when I told him my intake.

Long story short he said I should go to a psychologist to determine the cause.

He asked about willpower, I said "well everyone has willpower they just have to try"

He said "then it's doable" ..so, take a break and go see a psychologist and then come back to see me"

I think I was just another substance dependent patient for him.

Anyway off to work.

It's good you talked to your doctor....sounds like many GPs because they just are not trained about addiction. Humor, downplaying, talk of will power....not things that are good practice - personally, I am grateful that my GP and her team know what their domain is- and ISN'T- because I was sent directly to a psych who is an addiction specialist- and a huge AA proponent, while not being bossy....

One last thought- most of us alcoholics spent a lot of time with the whys of being an alcoholic. It kept me drinking for quite awhile- turns out, it really doesn't matter why - because I qualify for the title.

Hope you become willing to get sober, no matter what it takes.

If it was me, renvate, I'd find a new doctor.

D

"I just had a thought, I think i might be a bit past casual AA meetings to get on the road to recovery. "

That is a lot of denial and arrogance there! Why do you think that you are so unique and special that AA meetings won't help you but have helped millions of others? If you would attend some AA meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps you will soon find out why you are so self centered and how that is the root of your problem. You came here and asked for help and virtually all the responses have told you to get to AA and work the steps and yet you still have excuses. Alcoholism is a wonderful thing isn't it! You will learn in AA that alcoholism isn't about drinking but rather about how you think and deal with life. You can learn a lot there my friend!

Since you like to post in various AVRT threads, MindfulMan, I have to ask...

Abstinence is a terrible place to live for whom?

A bargain is also a loophole.

What if life doesn't become better?

What then? Back to the stuff you go?

Best to settle for life not getting any worse from using, I would say.

Some words of wisdom I recently came across: