So whats the next step?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
So whats the next step?
Hi everyone, back here again at day 0 as usual after a good selfish 3 weeks of moderate level binging. Just beer and wine after work.
Really not quite sure where to start this again as these same step's over and over have brought be back to drinking anyway. But my hair is thin and dull again so i guess it's a good time stop.
Last attempt was 2 weeks sober and I nearly made it to a AA meeting, but I guess out of shame I didn't go. I have also been thinking about rehab just to get me started. But again out of shame i probably won't go.
So where too now? I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans. My main drive in the past to stay sober was my fiancee, she helped alot. But now that there is no relationship anymore there is no drive to look after myself. (Drinking was breakup factor)
I don't really have any hobbies, I've tried all sorts of groups and meetups and activities, but it's not for me. I've started dating but can't find the drive to meet new woman, it's alot of work, and not easy work when you also have alcoholism. So I've stopped dating. And I've run out of energy trying to slot myself into society, I just work and drink.
My story isn't a dramatic or explosive one, iam just slowly sinking here am I guess subconsciously accepting iam destined to live a mess of a life.
One day I might have a family and they will also be a mess because iam a mess. That's scary.
Really not quite sure where to start this again as these same step's over and over have brought be back to drinking anyway. But my hair is thin and dull again so i guess it's a good time stop.
Last attempt was 2 weeks sober and I nearly made it to a AA meeting, but I guess out of shame I didn't go. I have also been thinking about rehab just to get me started. But again out of shame i probably won't go.
So where too now? I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans. My main drive in the past to stay sober was my fiancee, she helped alot. But now that there is no relationship anymore there is no drive to look after myself. (Drinking was breakup factor)
I don't really have any hobbies, I've tried all sorts of groups and meetups and activities, but it's not for me. I've started dating but can't find the drive to meet new woman, it's alot of work, and not easy work when you also have alcoholism. So I've stopped dating. And I've run out of energy trying to slot myself into society, I just work and drink.
My story isn't a dramatic or explosive one, iam just slowly sinking here am I guess subconsciously accepting iam destined to live a mess of a life.
One day I might have a family and they will also be a mess because iam a mess. That's scary.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is no shame in heading to an AA meeting....everyone is there for the exact same reason. same with rehab.....they are there FOR YOU.
the more tools you have in your arsenal, the more successful your sobriety can be. we all need a plan..........mileage on that can vary.
today is the day! don't try to sort out the next ten years of your life, keep it simple, and stay sober NOW.
the more tools you have in your arsenal, the more successful your sobriety can be. we all need a plan..........mileage on that can vary.
today is the day! don't try to sort out the next ten years of your life, keep it simple, and stay sober NOW.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad y amade it back, renvate. you even aswered your own question:
So where too now?
I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans
with that, it seems you already know you have to get tools, a program, and/or a plan into action.
can you explain the shame of going to AA meetings? fear of being seen at a place to get help maybe?
So where too now?
I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking, I don't really have any tools or programs or plans
with that, it seems you already know you have to get tools, a program, and/or a plan into action.
can you explain the shame of going to AA meetings? fear of being seen at a place to get help maybe?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
glad y amade it back, renvate. you even aswered your own question:
So where too now?
[B]can you explain the shame of going to AA meetings? fear of being seen at a place to get help maybe?
So where too now?
[B]can you explain the shame of going to AA meetings? fear of being seen at a place to get help maybe?
I haven't ruled it out though, can't judge if you haven't tried right.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
There should be no shame in going to AA meetings. Everyone is there because they have issues with alcohol, and people are there in all stages of sobriety. From Day 1 to 20+ years sober, from one and done to multiple relapses. No matter where u you start, the end goal is the same.
White knuckling is abstinent, there needs to be sobriety, as abstinence alone is a terrible place to live. There are plenty of other sobriety programs out there besides AA, if it ends up not being your thing...see the secular recovery forums if curious. Spend a lot of time here in our community. Therapy, both cognitive and/or psychodynamic, is also an option.
Living a life without substances doesn’t just happen, it is learned through experience. Relationships are vastly improved. Interests are free to develop when you have the time and focus released when you are no longer using your DOC(s),
The more time you spend sober, the better your life becomes.
White knuckling is abstinent, there needs to be sobriety, as abstinence alone is a terrible place to live. There are plenty of other sobriety programs out there besides AA, if it ends up not being your thing...see the secular recovery forums if curious. Spend a lot of time here in our community. Therapy, both cognitive and/or psychodynamic, is also an option.
Living a life without substances doesn’t just happen, it is learned through experience. Relationships are vastly improved. Interests are free to develop when you have the time and focus released when you are no longer using your DOC(s),
The more time you spend sober, the better your life becomes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by Renvate
...moderate level binging. Just beer and wine after work.
Really not quite sure where to start this again as these same step's over and over have brought be back to drinking anyway.
So where too now? I only know how to count days and forcefully restrain myself from drinking,
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
... I nearly made it to a AA meeting,
...But again out of shame i probably won't go.
...But again out of shame i probably won't go.
My story isn't a dramatic or explosive one, iam just slowly sinking here am I guess subconsciously accepting iam destined to live a mess of a life.
I'm being direct because I hope you can find it in you to start working Step 1 and let go. There's no need to let it dismantle the rest of your life. There's absolutely no downside to sobriety. None. But you'll have to get out of denial first.
Plenty of resources here for a plan that works for you. Certainly doesn't have to be AA. But as an outsider reading what you are writing I'd be wary of judging any plan or program until you've accepted that you need and want the help and have worked any one of them through regardless of how you feel about them in the moment.
Be well
-B
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Unfortunately we don’t get sober if we do nothing. No amount of maybes, should haves, mights or tomorrows is going to get us sober. Getting sober takes action and effort. For me I took the following steps.
I am active in my recovery on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, recovery readings, speaking and socializing with people in recovery.
The time to get sober is now. Come up with a plan and stick too it.
YOU CAN DO THIS, but only you can take the first step.
- I admitted I had a problem that I was unable to fix on my own.
- Went to a doctor for a base line health assessment and referral to out patient therapy
- Went to IOP 3 days a week and AA 3 days a week
- Completed IOP and went to AA 6 days a week
- Over the years I have reduced my AA meetings to 3 per week
I am active in my recovery on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, recovery readings, speaking and socializing with people in recovery.
The time to get sober is now. Come up with a plan and stick too it.
YOU CAN DO THIS, but only you can take the first step.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by Renvate
Hi everyone, back here again at day 0 as usual after a good selfish 3 weeks of moderate level binging. Just beer and wine after work.
Last attempt was 2 weeks sober and I nearly made it to a AA meeting, but I guess out of shame I didn't go. I have also been thinking about rehab just to get me started. But again out of shame i probably won't go.
So where too now?
Last attempt was 2 weeks sober and I nearly made it to a AA meeting, but I guess out of shame I didn't go. I have also been thinking about rehab just to get me started. But again out of shame i probably won't go.
So where too now?
The highlighted parts are classic AV excuses to keep drinking. Do the right thing. Put the bottle down and just walk in some doors and sit down, as easy as it gets!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Renvate
More the fact that it will become a part of who I am. I tend to be a very verbal person about my life events to people around me. And so It won't stay very anonymous.
I haven't ruled it out though, can't judge if you haven't tried right.
I haven't ruled it out though, can't judge if you haven't tried right.
AA isnt who i am. the way i live? yup. but not who i am.
reads like more of an excuse than anything,ren.
cant hurt to take a couple nights a week for the next month and go to meetings,either, could it?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Buckley3
Straight talk here - what's moderate? What's Just?
You're in denial. If you're drinking you aren't abstaining and whatever 'forceful restraint' you are trying isn't working.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Intention doesn't get us sober. Be careful of shame and guilt, we use it as an excuse to keep drinking. The AV makes us feel like if we're just sorry enough or just guilty enough that makes up for giving in. It doesn't.
It's not destiny. And it's not so subconscious when you write it. You're trying to negotiate with it. It gets worse, not better.
I'm being direct because I hope you can find it in you to start working Step 1 and let go. There's no need to let it dismantle the rest of your life. There's absolutely no downside to sobriety. None. But you'll have to get out of denial first.
Plenty of resources here for a plan that works for you. Certainly doesn't have to be AA. But as an outsider reading what you are writing I'd be wary of judging any plan or program until you've accepted that you need and want the help and have worked any one of them through regardless of how you feel about them in the moment.
Be well
-B
You're in denial. If you're drinking you aren't abstaining and whatever 'forceful restraint' you are trying isn't working.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Intention doesn't get us sober. Be careful of shame and guilt, we use it as an excuse to keep drinking. The AV makes us feel like if we're just sorry enough or just guilty enough that makes up for giving in. It doesn't.
It's not destiny. And it's not so subconscious when you write it. You're trying to negotiate with it. It gets worse, not better.
I'm being direct because I hope you can find it in you to start working Step 1 and let go. There's no need to let it dismantle the rest of your life. There's absolutely no downside to sobriety. None. But you'll have to get out of denial first.
Plenty of resources here for a plan that works for you. Certainly doesn't have to be AA. But as an outsider reading what you are writing I'd be wary of judging any plan or program until you've accepted that you need and want the help and have worked any one of them through regardless of how you feel about them in the moment.
Be well
-B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
Hi xx
I totally agree with everyone
Only you can do this ..but you have to want to ... No one else's decision only yours and yours alone
First step .. Admitting it
I never thought I could do that
Yet here I am 103 days later SOBER..
It's not easy at all ...
But it's way easier than drinking yourself to an early grave my friend
Small steps
Big hugs
Caralara ❤️
I totally agree with everyone
Only you can do this ..but you have to want to ... No one else's decision only yours and yours alone
First step .. Admitting it
I never thought I could do that
Yet here I am 103 days later SOBER..
It's not easy at all ...
But it's way easier than drinking yourself to an early grave my friend
Small steps
Big hugs
Caralara ❤️
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
More the fact that it will become a part of who I am. I tend to be a very verbal person about my life events to people around me. And so It won't stay very anonymous.
i'm not sure that even makes much sense as a defense....right now you say your life is two things - working and drinking. THAT is what your life is about RIGHT NOW. and i'm sure it's not as much as secret as you may think. i can think of worse things to become than a recovering alcoholic.....? that puts you in survivor category, and everybody loves a survivor.
i also suggest that maybe you have some misconceptions about meetings and AA........you're not the first, but why not try three different meetings over the next few days? just go and LISTEN. you can easily find a meeting near you
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
i'm not sure that even makes much sense as a defense....right now you say your life is two things - working and drinking. THAT is what your life is about RIGHT NOW. and i'm sure it's not as much as secret as you may think. i can think of worse things to become than a recovering alcoholic.....? that puts you in survivor category, and everybody loves a survivor.
i also suggest that maybe you have some misconceptions about meetings and AA........you're not the first, but why not try three different meetings over the next few days? just go and LISTEN. you can easily find a meeting near you
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,319
welcoem back Renvate 
I think first step is accept you need to do more for your recovery this time if you want to stay sober for good.
Maybe it's actually walking into through those doors to an AA meeting - maybe it's something else but do think about it. You need more action.
I used to think that too but I'm securely in recovery and I know who I am and I'm happy with my life. I'm a bit old in the tooth now but I think I'd have made a pretty good parent based on the real me
The chance for you to become who you always should have been is there - yours for the taking renvate.
I think first step is accept you need to do more for your recovery this time if you want to stay sober for good.
Maybe it's actually walking into through those doors to an AA meeting - maybe it's something else but do think about it. You need more action.
One day I might have a family and they will also be a mess because iam a mess. That's scary.
The chance for you to become who you always should have been is there - yours for the taking renvate.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Clearly the tactics you have tried in the past to get clean have not worked so you need to try something else. Whether it is AA, rehab, counseling, etc... That's for you to decide but you've got to try something different. Personally I'd be willing to try anything including rehab. You talk about having a family but if you keep drinking there is no guarantee you'll be alive to have a family. Some alcoholics live long lives but most do not.
If you are determined and truly want to quit eventually you will find what works for you. It took me months of constantly trying and failing to figure it out but eventually I did.
Just never give up trying to quit and do whatever it takes!
Glad to see you are back my friend.
If you are determined and truly want to quit eventually you will find what works for you. It took me months of constantly trying and failing to figure it out but eventually I did.
Just never give up trying to quit and do whatever it takes!
Glad to see you are back my friend.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I nearly went to AA, then I got drunk. Then I went to AA and nearly worked the steps, then I got drunk. I went to AA, had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps at a good clip, and have not taken a drink in 38 years.
I guess like me, if you keep nearly taking action on recovery, you will keep nearly getting sober.
I guess like me, if you keep nearly taking action on recovery, you will keep nearly getting sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Renvate,
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re in denial. You’re aware that drinking has become a problem. It’s paradoxical but it was true for me: I drank a lot when I had a girlfriend and even more when I didn’t. Even though attractive women mess me up, they’re a panacea of sorts. I can’t figure it out; I’ve stopped trying. I’ve decided not to drink over women, which is admittedly difficult.
I hope you decide not to drink over your fiancé.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re in denial. You’re aware that drinking has become a problem. It’s paradoxical but it was true for me: I drank a lot when I had a girlfriend and even more when I didn’t. Even though attractive women mess me up, they’re a panacea of sorts. I can’t figure it out; I’ve stopped trying. I’ve decided not to drink over women, which is admittedly difficult.
I hope you decide not to drink over your fiancé.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,899
It seems like you are withdrawing from much of life, it's just work and alcohol.
Alcoholism can do that to you. Unfortunately, there may come a time when your drinking impacts your work and you lose your job. Then it's just you and the bottle. That's pretty scary.
Alcoholism can do that to you. Unfortunately, there may come a time when your drinking impacts your work and you lose your job. Then it's just you and the bottle. That's pretty scary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
First reaction "what? of course am not in denial" but dig deeper and it all starts to make sense.
I am frustrated about it all. BUT whos fault is this? it's all mine.
I chose to drink again and then chose to "stop" when I am ready.
Going through the history of my alcohol abuse only highlights my choices. "drink this weekend stop next week" "have some fun stop when hair gets dull and eyes get puffy" "liver needs a break, stop for a bit"
oh wait.. this IS denial.
I didn't choose sobriety, I just chose to stop so I could prolong my selfish alcohol abuse in the near future.
not sure how more dead honest I can be. I've drifted into the dangerous waters of content about my alcohol abuse.
I need some advice on this feeling of "content" - Again i am being DEAD HONEST and forgive me please, but my mindset is calm about being a self-destructive alcoholic, it does not scare me anymore, i am OK with the life I am choosing ( this is not good though, I know its not good, I don't LIKE that I am ok with slowly dying)
I just had a thought, I think i might be a bit past casual AA meetings to get on the road to recovery. I might look into going to an Alcohol Abuse therapist, Feeling content about a worthless life and being content about dying early as long as I have all the alcohol to drink is not a good sign, I am not right in the head if those are my thoughts.
Please share some advice on this level of content I am feeling about my addiction. I am sure I am not the first one.
don't know why I dread to see responses to what I write, more shame i guess to my yet another life problem with still no success.
I am frustrated about it all. BUT whos fault is this? it's all mine.
I chose to drink again and then chose to "stop" when I am ready.
Going through the history of my alcohol abuse only highlights my choices. "drink this weekend stop next week" "have some fun stop when hair gets dull and eyes get puffy" "liver needs a break, stop for a bit"
oh wait.. this IS denial.
I didn't choose sobriety, I just chose to stop so I could prolong my selfish alcohol abuse in the near future.
not sure how more dead honest I can be. I've drifted into the dangerous waters of content about my alcohol abuse.
I need some advice on this feeling of "content" - Again i am being DEAD HONEST and forgive me please, but my mindset is calm about being a self-destructive alcoholic, it does not scare me anymore, i am OK with the life I am choosing ( this is not good though, I know its not good, I don't LIKE that I am ok with slowly dying)
I just had a thought, I think i might be a bit past casual AA meetings to get on the road to recovery. I might look into going to an Alcohol Abuse therapist, Feeling content about a worthless life and being content about dying early as long as I have all the alcohol to drink is not a good sign, I am not right in the head if those are my thoughts.
Please share some advice on this level of content I am feeling about my addiction. I am sure I am not the first one.
don't know why I dread to see responses to what I write, more shame i guess to my yet another life problem with still no success.
No More Hiding
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: New England
Posts: 46
Maybe you feel content with your addiction because it has become all you know. You mention a connection between your drinking and relationships, have you thought about the fact that you may be in a relationship with alcohol?
Funny as it may sound getting sober to me at first felt like breaking up with the love of my life, the addict part of me did not understand why I was leaving the alcohol. It didn't understand that it was hurting me.
You need to start seeing alcohol as a manipulative and unhealthy additive to your life, and not as a source of comfort. And as others have said above begin to take action and adding positive and healthy influences to your life. Don't listen to what the alcohol is telling you.
Much love
Funny as it may sound getting sober to me at first felt like breaking up with the love of my life, the addict part of me did not understand why I was leaving the alcohol. It didn't understand that it was hurting me.
You need to start seeing alcohol as a manipulative and unhealthy additive to your life, and not as a source of comfort. And as others have said above begin to take action and adding positive and healthy influences to your life. Don't listen to what the alcohol is telling you.
Much love
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