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xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 03:52 PM

Lost for words
So I actually love sobriety best thing anyone can do I truly want to turn my life around but the addiction brings me to my knees!!! I just wanted a nice sober day but that seems to never happen I take full responsibility for my actions but sometimes I cant handle things Iím dealing with bipolar which the medication Iím on now has made things worse try to call doctors they arenít in on top of that my mom called me and told me her cancer has spread and she is pretty much all I got left other then brother, kids and husband Iím kid free and husband free just me I decided to down a bottle of wine to numb the pain but it has made things worse antidepressant and alcohol donít mix I put a gun to my temple and thought about just ending everything but thatís not me I will not give in I donít know why I done that guess Iím lost Iím just looking for positive support to get me through this Iím sry you see the negative side of me Iím not me at the moment I did lock up the gun because I truly love life and not ready to give in!!! Any support helps thanks

least 03-03-2018 03:59 PM

:grouphug: I hope you don't get any more alcohol. Drinking will make you more depressed and hopeless. :(

Would counseling be possible? Sounds like you've got a lot on your mind. Might be nice to have someone to open up to.

JayTee33 03-03-2018 04:17 PM

I'm very sorry you're having a difficult time sorry to hear about your mother. Big hugs. Be gentle with yourself, you're dealing with a lot. Try to drink some water and get some rest. We'll be here for you in the morning when you carry on your journey to recovery.

Opivotal 03-03-2018 04:31 PM

Nichole, our support doesn't vanish when someone is struggling. We're here for the good and bad days. :hug:

I'm very sorry for your Mom's diagnosis. Try and contact your doctor tomorrow or whenever his office is open. Let him know what's going on.

In the meantime, please try and rest. Keep posting ... you're never alone. You have us.

Anna 03-03-2018 04:37 PM

Please go to an ER or call 911 for help and do make use of our resource list: Text Line

serves anyone, in any type of crisis, providing access to free, 24/7 support and information via the medium people already use and trust: text.

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the US, anytime, about any type of crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds quickly.

The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.
SAMHSA's National Helpline
1-800-662-HELP (4357)
TTY: 1-800-487-4889

Find treatment in the US.
Also known as, the Treatment Referral Routing Service, this Helpline provides 24-hour free and confidential treatment referral and information about mental and/or substance use disorders, prevention, and recovery in English and Spanish.

Suicide Suicide Prevention, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Support -!!!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Ontario Helpline

Suicide Forum

Dee74 03-03-2018 04:42 PM

Anna beat me to it with the links. We take the safety of our members really seriously.

It very important you ask for help when you need it Nichole.
We want you to be safe.

I'm sorry for your mums diagnosis.

I know it's a scary thing but drinking just makes the fear worse in my experience.


xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 04:45 PM

Er or 911 nope they think I’m crazy and try to admit me I’m not crazy

Dee74 03-03-2018 04:55 PM

Sticking a gun to your head is not normal Nichole.
It sounds like you need some help..


xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Dee74 (Post 6808300)
Sticking a gun to your head is not normal Nichole.
It sounds like you need some help..


I donít know why I done that guess I wasnít thinking it was a mistake idk what got into me but I shouldnít even posted Iím sry forgot everything I said

Anna 03-03-2018 05:06 PM

Nichole, putting a gun to your head is extreme. You need help, please take care.

chowchow 03-03-2018 05:08 PM

Having a gun in the house is not a great idea actually. Many people here, including me, are battling the force of addiction and I see people DO recover and you can be one of those too. It does sound like you need some help and there is nothing to be ashamed of there. I see a psychiatrist. I need one now. There may come a time when I don't but that time is not now.

PLEASE keep posting and letting us know how you are. I am sorry about your mother. That is a very difficult situation for both of you.

Dee74 03-03-2018 05:09 PM

Noone can force you to do anything, Nichole, but I hope you'll reconsider.
It's very hard to commit someone if they don't want to be committed.

Is you husband and family around?
like Anna says, take care, ok?


xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 05:20 PM

Nope just me I don’t want anyone around I know it’s not normal to drink then put a gun to your head but I’m tried of struggling and tried of everything I put it to my head more then once thinking everything can be over in a second but like i said that’s Not me idk If it’s alcohol or my mental illness but I think I just need to blackout and deal with it Tomorrow getting help probably will end up a disaster

Dee74 03-03-2018 05:32 PM

We can never be sure what we might do in a blackout.
I think it would be incredibly dangerous for you to drink to blackout tonight.

Like I said we can't force you to seek help but please stop drinking - it's just not the answer.


Hevyn 03-03-2018 05:35 PM

Nichole, Please don't regret posting - we're here to listen & help if we can. You said you truly love life, sobriety, & aren't ready to give in - those are thoughts to hold on to. Please stop drinking so you can have a clear head. We need you here. Keep talking to us.

xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 06:11 PM

I’m truly sorry I should of not posted my mistake I didn’t know where to turn this is my only support but blackout is the only option I’m seeing at the moment at least if I blackout I won’t remember anything or feel anything whatever happens will happen it’s already to late I’ve already broke my days what the point???

xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 06:13 PM

I’m a lost cause I get what I deserve

Hevyn 03-03-2018 06:22 PM

The point is - you have a whole life ahead of you. It can still be wonderful, despite the challenges. It doesn't have to be filled with pain & regret. You can rise above this sad time & find yourself again.

PalmerSage 03-03-2018 06:33 PM

Nichole, I'm really sad to hear this and very concerned about you. :(

ubntubnt 03-03-2018 06:35 PM

hi Nichole, most of us have had terrible, terrible low moments. I was there only a month ago. I couldn't even bear to think about the next day. But the next day came and I dealt with it and things look at lot better now, just a small number of days later. You can deal with this but you need to start somewhere, maybe not drinking right now and trying to get some rest is the best thing you can do right now. Tomorrow you can start to think about where you go from here. It will be ok but drinking is not going to help you deal with this.

Opivotal 03-03-2018 06:48 PM

Nichole, You most certainly are not a lost cause. Alcohol can scramble our rational thinking process. Mixed with your other med's it can be a disaster.

I can't make you stop drinking tonight, but please, if your goal is to get blackout drunk ... please ... remove the bullets from the gun or better yet get rid of it all together. Throw it out the door if necessary. I'm very concerned about your safety.

xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 06:49 PM

Thanks everyone if I quit drinking how do I deal with myself now??? Only way I can go to sleep is if I take my Ativan and Ativan and alcohol don’t mix!!!

xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by Opivotal (Post 6808448)
Nichole, You most certainly are not a lost cause. Alcohol can scramble our rational thinking process. Mixed with your other med's it can be a disaster.

I can't make you stop drinking tonight, but please, if your goal is to get blackout drunk ... please ... remove the bullets from the gun or better yet get rid of it all together. Throw it out the door if necessary. I'm very concerned about your safety.

I have like 20 guns loaded in my house!!! I actually just want to leave them in the safe only 2 guns out for safety Incase someone breaks in I already have thought about how to end things and to be honest a gun is 2nd option

ubntubnt 03-03-2018 06:59 PM

Nichole, I think someone breaking in is the least of your worries right now. You could lock them all in the safe and call 911. It would take you 2 minutes and you would be on your road to recovery!

Mags1 03-03-2018 07:01 PM

Hi Nicole, great suggestion Optival said, take any bullets out of the gun and keep them well way, we do crazy things when we’re plastered and adding meds to the equation, well it adds up to a dangerous potion.

Get some sleep. Keep close to SR. Make it day 1.

Have a rethink in the morning.

So sorry to hear of your mums diagnosis.:grouphug:

xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 07:26 PM

Thanks everyone but I don’t think I can deal with myself at the moment I will set here in regret and miserable that I keep screwing up my life and can’t be there for my family because I’m a screw up idk what to do as in if I stop drinking I’m still here with my thoughts and regret and it will terrorize me all Night how do I go back from here??? If I quit drinking I’m still here thinking if I call 911 I’m going to be consider crazy and then that will probably ruin my life

least 03-03-2018 07:34 PM

Stop drinking now. Drinking makes us more depressed. It makes everything feel worse.

Please get help. :hug:

PalmerSage 03-03-2018 07:41 PM

Nichole, you've been doing so well. I'm so sorry you feel alone. You're definitely not. :grouphug:

Dee74 03-03-2018 07:55 PM

If you're adamant you're not going to get help tonight, I think it's best to tip out whats left, drink some water and go to bed Nichole.

Wake up tomorrow and maybe you can decide what to do then.


xxxNICHOLExxx 03-03-2018 07:56 PM

Thank you everybody your truly amazing I’m so thankful for you but I need to sign off thank god for auto correct because I’m not in the right state of mind to be on here I’m truly sorry I’m a screw up I already know this go figure story of my life I hope the best for you!!! You deserve it but I know what I need to do !!!!

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