I’m glad you’re done, Del. You just can’t put your body through any more torture.

The tough period won’t last forever.

I think it would help you greatly to stay plugged in, preferably with a sponsor who will actively keep tabs on you when you are tempted to slip away on your own recognizance.

Don’t worry that you’ve “got this,” and feel foolish for taking up somebody’s time.

Don’t discount the possibility of a sponsor speaking into your life just because you’ve got unusual circumstances.

You’d be surprised by what people understand.

A sponsor can discern the difference between our honest difficulty and our addictive “quacking” that is so un-unique it’s almost cliche.

I know you’re in the middle of nowhere, but maybe you can connect with someone online?

Sorry, Del.

I just reread from a few days ago, and I realized that you’re already pursuing accountability.

I’m glad. Letting others have real input into my life (as opposed to just having them serve as sounding boards) was what really turned the tide for me.

Not that I’m not constantly sounding off anyway! :)

Yes! The quacking, this is something I have found that I have just become ridiculously bad with. I can talk a great game, as long as I'm not smashed out of my tree, which rarely happened.
I stopped going to see my counselor because I sat there in her office last fall, and she asked if I had slipped, as we were talking about where I was at. And I straight face lied to her and said no. I would like to say she didn't call me on it because she was waiting for me to come out and say it- but she is not like that. She could always tell when I was lying, half truthing or ommitting something and she could talk me around to the truth, call me out on it, or I just simply could not lie to her, even if I went in planning to lie.

I was so appalled when I walked out of there. Not only because I had lied, but because I felt smug about it. Because I drank before I went and I drank after.
And how after more than a year, she could not tell when she had seen so much of my BS already.

It just amazes me, the lies upon lies upon lies that started with ONE drink. It doesn't just flip the alcoholic switch- it's like a complete Jekyll and Hyde. My character change was immediate. I felt the need to lie about everything, and hide everything.
And I know it's not like nobody knew that I was drinking again, my family did. I called my mom when I was drunk over Christmas, and like, quite drunk. For me, anyways.
Nobody outside of my recovery circle had any idea of my sober time which I am grateful for. I am not going to whip myself with shame over a relapse again, it's just a great way to stay there or to head back there, nothing but another excuse. I knew that really, falling away from my last safe post, SR, that I was in trouble. But. I am back.

I am in a ridiculously happy mood today. I don't know why? Sun is shining, snow is melting, I am all dolled up for job hunting so I feel smashing. Despite being broke, my van is very groany, no job really, oh I could go on, but why bother?

It's a beautiful day. There really is a lot around me to be thankful for.

:)

The only way that the cycle of lying will stop is if you willingly hand over the reins of your sobriety to someone wiser and commit to 100% honesty, whether they are sharp enough to detect the quacking or not.

Your survival depends on it. There is no merit for your life in doggedly testing every potential helper until you finally find them wanting. It’s fruitless.

Helpers are intent on giving help to those who are willing to accept it. Their skill is at helping; it isn’t at being so co-dependently intertwined that they can sniff out the slightest hint of someone’s deception. They are there to lead you, not for you to lead them.

Giving up a little autonomy now, temporarily, will procure for you a healthy, whole, and authentic life of self-determination down the road.

^^^^^
Amazing insights that can benefit many people Gilmer.

Hang in there Del. :Valdog:

Ugh. Long post and just delete.
That's the problem with honesty, 100%.
Coming out of hiding is terrifying.

still listening until you're ready Del :grouphug:

Thanks Hawkeye :hug:

I just realized how dramatic that last post sounded. I am actually doing really well considering my circumstances. Since I stopped drinking and started real action, I feel a lot happier. I can deal with things better. It's amazing what a few days sober can achieve and the level of chaos and depression that even a drink or two a day at the end still persisted.
Might help the sun is out, my meds are on track, I am not working for nothing (even though I am not working haha), I am not being harassed or taken advantage of anymore. Kids are happy and healthy. I am actually eating better.

It's baby steps. But in the right direction. I have to rework my recovery plan, but it has to be all encompassing I guess.

I'm glad to read you're feeling better Del :)

D

So. Last night I just turned things over and prayed a little bit.
Today I got up early, showered, did my hair and makeup, got the kids to school on time, got my son work on a flyer route, I went to a noon AA meeting.
As I was walking in, I got an email from one of the companies I applied at. Asking when I could come in for an interview with the managers (it is a very prominent company in town, very big). Bazinga! :D
The meeting was good, I got the warmest welcome back from the old gents there, they were so glad to see me back. I didn't think I'd say much but it was easy to be more open around these guys I've known for almost a year and a half. It was good, a good foot back in the door, only 8 of us there. Speaking on surrender. SO glad I went.
I got home and called and left a message with my counselor.
Interview is set for Monday morning. I am nervous but really excited.

Ah, gratitude. Amazing how quickly things can change.

That is wonderful, Del. I’m so pleased that the guys at the meeting welcomed you back with open arms—and I’m delighted for your upcoming interview!

Thanks Gil :hug: