I had this horrible realization before I napped that I have been doing the receipts all wrong.

I don't understand how my stupid conscience is struggling between doing them absolutely to the gvt standards or just what they want, a straight up receipt.

Never. Again.

Thank you...I needed to read your post most than you can know

Raeven :hug:

I also had hands down one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time, yesterday.

I know a lot of things happen for reasons that we create for ourselves.
I have a whole bunch of kids that I miss the hell out of. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

But, work to do. Affirmative action day? I think so.
Guess who is back to herself. I am so, so glad I reached out to my SR family. Thanks guys. From the bottom of my heart.

Thanks a ton Rar. I think you saved my butt.

So glad to hear you’re better.

We're all with you Del :)

D

I wanted to update.
I went to the walk in clinic to get my meds refilled.
I did the recommended list of meds and doses.
It was not my regular doctor who saw me. And even though I am supposed to be seeing my dr for the monthly refill of clonazepam, he did go through all my meds with me.
Apparently I have many refills for pretty much everything except the clonazepam, even though most of my bottle labels say 0 refills.
And once again I spent the most of my time there getting questioned and scrutinized about why I need the clonazepam. And then he did a full medical profile- meaning he went through all my past prescriptions. He questioned if there was something better that I could take- once again I am being persuaded to get off the benzos.

I hate this. I can't go through this every month. :headbange

At least I went and did it and my scripts are all filled and I just have to pick them up.
I am still going to try and contact my old clinic. It has to wait for right now though.
I have no idea how I am going to pay my rent.

Glad your scripts are filled now Del. Must be a huge relief for you. I think it's unlikely you'll have to go through a full medical profile every month. The new dr was probably doing "due diligence'.

It was medication profile. And every time I've gotten my clonazepam refilled here since I've moved to city clinic I get the 3rd degree whether it's my doc or not.
I totally understand due diligence. But I have to come in every month for a refill (fine) and I get the same run around. I'm not used to it and at times it's just down right insulting.

I'm sorry - it must be a nuisance Del.

But I've had Drs who looked after my best interests and doctors who doled out meds like candy and I know which ones I prefer.

I'm not saying it was necessarily right to cut your dose of the benzos - I can't possibly judge that... but maybe not cutting you back might have left you even worse off down the road?

D

I had a doctor many years ago who prescribed 120 pills of alprazolam. (xanax) The rationale was that I wouldn't have to call every month for a refill. When I moved and changed doctors, the new doctor said, "You don't need that many", and he cut my dosage in half. My dose is very low (only .5 mg). I take only 1 at night. So the 60 pills I do get, now last me 2 months. Incidentally, my new doctor works 3 days in a regular office and 2 days in an addiction center. Initially I was sort of panicky at having my meds cut, but I wasn't taking them, I just liked having them.

D as upset as I was at first that he cut my dose without discussing the reason or effects of it, I got over it. I had to keep stretching out my doses because I couldn't get into the doctor soon enough to get a refill. Which in itself looks bad when I'm coming in two weeks later for a refill.
They are being vigilant for benzo and narcotic abuse in this town. I don't think it has much to do with my best interest at all- depending on the doctor I see.

Anyhow.. I will just have to get used to it.
I am, after all, still an addict.

Hi, Del.

I hope today is going ok.

^ me too Del.

D

Hey Del, how are things going with you?

Hey guys, sorry for dropping off. I kept getting kicked off the site the other night.
I'm alright enough.
Being back on the proper meds has evened me out.
In spite of the stress of being mainly unemployed and completely broke, and behind on rent, I am doing ok anyways. It's heart warming having the both the kids here and living what feels like a normal life in spite of the massive head aches I am dealing with.
I don't know what the deal with the physical side is- I wake up completely drenched in sweat every night. I am chalking it all up to the lovely protracted withdrawal, with all that kindling and stuff. Everything else feels fine but I have never had such awful sweats. Gross, sorry for sharing.

The memory chunks missing aren't quite as bad. I am trying to just deal with one day at a time and not think about how much I loathe the idea of going back to the dr for another refill.

We are snowed in today, what a ridiculous thing to be in a city and be snowed in but we got dumped on. I need groceries which sucks, but I'll deal with it when the roads clear. I don't get financial help much from my family- I totally get it. I wouldn't help me either. Lol.

The job search goes on. Staying positive- taking steps in the right direction, even if they are small ones.
I couldn't write a novel if I tried today. I spent about an hour and a half shoveling heavy snow off my driveway so I could get back up to the house.

I still haven't resumed meetings, counseling, church. Isolating is too easy. Period. Part of the plan, I need to push myself more. But because I reached out, I have people reaching out to me now. I can't let go of the life rope though... I was stupid to think I could just resume or at least get by by myself in my life.
I know I took a crazy decision to cut off most of my income to free up time to take care of me, I just need to expedite that process.

This really is not a do-it-yourself job. Not in my world, anyways.

Thanks for thinking of me. I have been reading here when I can and I feel bad for not posting more so sorry to all your newcomers and anyone else needing support. I am here, reading and pulling for all of you. Sometimes we all need to be a little selfish, as long as we can tell the difference between self care, and isolating.
:hug:

I hope you rest well tonight, Del. :hug:

Thanks for the update Del :)

D

Well, one of the perks of being totally broke is not being able to buy booze.
I tapered off.. again. And I felt fine yesterday other than tired, a bit snappy. Sleeping a lot.
So, back to the start. I'm on day 2. That was a wasted 7 or so months.
I can't shake the feeling of wanting to drink as soon as I can- numb the stress and all that.
Keep telling myself no. I'm going to a noon meeting on Friday. I need to start off small. I hate saying that I am going to a meeting though. Usually if I don't think about it and just do it, it happens.

I can't keep lying to myself that I can drink normally and stop again when I want. I was back to going into withdrawals 6 hours after my last drink in less than 6 months.
Great science experiment. I'm done.

Sometimes we need to do things we really don't want to do, or "hate" in order to achieve the results we really want though, right? I absolutely detested the fact that I can't drink anymore, more than anything in the world at the time.

There is no shame at all in scheduling time in your day for recovery - whether it's going to a meeting, seeing a counselor, reading a book, whatever it might be.