Affirmative action will be taken tomorrow. I have a plan.

I didn't realize there was such a big waiting list, Del. I'm glad you have a plan. Hang tight until you can implement it. ((DEL))

Rationalizing and making excuses- two of my best things!

I am glad you have a plan, Delizadee. Please follow it up and be safe- we really care about what happens next.

Just read through all these posts. :hug:

What's the plan?

This ^^^

What is your plan? Care to share?

I was sent to a psychiatrist in the middle of my final binge, which was partially triggered by lunesta (benzo relative, sleep med) withdrawal, which I'd been taking as prescribed for 4 years. This was after a librium self-taper didn't work...I just took it on top of the decreased alcohol, and when it was done I was right back where I started. The WDs were so bad that I greatly accelerated my drinking trying to manage them, which just sent me into a downward spiral of increasing symptoms being chased with increasing amounts of alcohol (and back on the lunesta).

First I met with the clinician, who took my info for a good 45 minutes and then the attending came in. She was no BS. "Our treatment recommendation is medical detox followed by at least 30 days in inpatient rehab. You need to break this cycle or you will not get better. There is information on treatment centers at the front desk." And she walked out. I'm thinking there's no way I'm gonna do that.

At this point I hadn't had a drink in over 2 hours and was beginning to shake badly and sweat. Got home and drank a bunch of vodka to stabilize. Looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself "She's right." I was in such a bad state and eager to get home to the vodka so I didn't even stop for the treatment center info. I started calling around starting with a clinic that a "friend" of mine had used when she got sober. They recommended three centers, I called the first one and checked in two days later on May 9. Which is my sobriety day.

You need to get treatment by any means necessary. You can't have your old doctor. No matter how much it would be helpful, she is not available. Start pursuing treatment possibilities that are available to you ASAP. How to get there is a solvable problem. Not sure where you are or why there are such long waiting periods. When I called, they wanted to know what time THAT DAY I could be there. And they take government insurance.

God only knows what shape I'd be in if I hadn't gone in at that time. I had early symptoms of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome and still have some slight residual effects which will probably be permanent. I could barely walk and had memory issues, I'm still having balance issues and there are holes in my memory now, both of which FORTUNATELY seem to be getting slowly better. If I hadn't gotten treatment I might have ended up with serious neurological damage.

My heart goes out to you. I've experienced benzo withdrawal with alcohol. It's horrific, and nearly impossible to get out of without outside help, preferably in an inpatient setting. I fervently hope you get it.

Please stop finding reasons not to seek treatment and find ways to get it.

Let us know that you’re ok today Del.

Hey, Delizadee, what is your plan, my friend? Please check into SR and let us know, because there are folks here who care about you :grouphug:

Yeah my affirmative action plan kind of failed yesterday, and also in the worst way possible (like, relatively speaking for me right now). I trashed my bathroom last night (I somewhat recall I just could not stand up) and went to sleep in my clothes.
Also, I totally failed to meeting up- I slept through it.
I also totally failed to church today- also slept through it.

I know. None of this is lost on me at all. My plan is to not try for my old doctor obviously. But getting back into my old clinic. Because I know most of the doctors there and they know me and my history well.
First step.
Second is get to the clinic here and get my medication. Became pretty clear to me that yeah- the problem is the meds. There is no amount of alcohol that could kill the ****** shakes, the headaches, the nausea the everything else of trying to deal with my meds myself.
Get on my arse about finding a proper psychiatrist.
3rd is easy. Put the frikken bottle down.
I have been scared of my meds since I overdosed on them almost two years ago.

It's completely senseless that I would go back to drinking with ALL I have been going through.
I want to be as safe as possible. I know this is not worth messing around with.

I did talk to my ex about the benzos. I Did not bring up the drinking..
He is always concerned and willing to help.

Anyways, testing and experimentation is coming to a close.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired, digging myself deeper, yadda yadda.

Just done.

I know today is Sunday there - Take it easy today Del.
Be ready for tomorrow - make that Action Day :)

D

I am just going to have refer to this probably often. I seem to be losing chunks of memory , which is pretty normal anyways with the clonazepam but this is all not helping.
I think this may be part of the problem right now- I am not sure if I have taken my meds or not so then I just don't to be on the safe side.

Then, ill, shake, constant headache, and try to medicate that all away with booze.

PSA folks. I just does not work.

On the bright side,

oh crap I'll tell you when I remember. :lmao

Sorry, morbid sense of humor.

Yes action day! Bring on more ill! lol

We'll see what happens, I will have to push through the physical side of things.
And somehow, God willing, I can find the strength to deal with the life side of things.
The world don't stop no matter how sick you are.


I just want to clarify something that maybe I had spoken wrongly about.
Not having my old doctor is not something that holds me back from getting help.
It's knowing the clinics and doctors I have to deal with here.

Keep a log of your meds and when you take them, Del. Write down the time and dose EVERY TIME.

Best of luck, your struggle comes through your posts so strongly.

Hope you find what you need soon.

Thankyou my friend. I have been constantly telling myself to do that and then forget.
Will find a notebook right now.

Wow that took awhile. But that's pretty typical of me, shiny squirrels and all.
First I found the 12 page letter from my now dead birth father. That didn't go over well.
Then I let the dog out. And found some pickles.
Then I came back upstairs saying "notebook notebook notebook".
Found my burn journal- I read some of that while I was in the bathroom- VERY interesting stuff in there and exactly what I needed to read today.
In any case. I am also just drowning in a huge pile of disorganized crap at my desk because I have taxes to do and receipts to send. And when they want their receipts. They want them yesterday.


I should also mention that I am doing considerably better than I was last Thursday.
I am however, sleeping poorly. I sleep for about an hour after I go to bed, wake up thinking it's morning. And I can't lay in bed awake- I have dealt with this insomnia for 20 years. So I get up, try to do taxes, laundry, dishes, clean, check in on SR til about 5:30. Then back to bed for another hour.

whoop dee doo. Doesn't help brain function very much.

Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.
I've already TEMPORARILY blocked the two parents who will not leave me alone about the bloody receipts.
And they've shown up here and knocked and knocked and knocked on the door.
I get it. We can all file our taxes today. I also know I need an hour of sleep so that numbers stop looking like hieroglyphs and I can do this **** properly.

UGH. I hate that I was such a dumb doormat to these people and the crap I put up with. I understand that there are ways of dealing with these people in a professional and courteous manner, and this is not a retribution issue. I just can't deal.
I would get kids dumped on me at the last minute, I'd put up with 12 plus hours of harassing texts for things like, asking for and extra snack in the kids lunches.
I know how to deal with these people, I was in sales long enough and have dealt with all of these guys for the past year to know what douche canoes they can be.

I just at this moment. I can't. All I need is a bit of sleep. And maybe a baseball bat.

Whatever. life.

You sound more yourself today, Delizadee. I'm cancelling appointments and refusing to answer messages myself, & I definitely support you in that. Take care of you, first.

And don't drink.

Courage I just can't even. I don't know how much more I can take from these people without freaking the hell out on them when I walk out the door. I have been working on these taxes for awhile now and I am really not a great bookkeeper.

I have to go get my meds refilled. Since I started taking my regular dose again I feel like a functional person once more.

Just to get it out of my head again. I don't want to overthink or overstress about the following things.
Struggling through my taxes
No income
No rent money
A vehicle barely hanging on
Not much food
Being harassed by these families I got rid of
Doing this all alone
A sick dog I can do nothing for

How do we drink when we've got not much else?
I dunno. It makes things easier when you're a coy little attractive girl. Haha.

Ugh I really hate myself right not and also, beholding the field of my f*&^%s, I am starting to find it pretty barren.

And courage-- :hug: and many loves.
I still have that snarkbunny magazine, I will keep it forever until you let me send it to you. :lmao

I have to go get my meds refilled. Since I started taking my regular dose again I feel like a functional person once more.


Just reminding you: Did you get a notebook and start recording your meds? :)

Rar I did! :)
I'm tucking it in with my meds. There, done.

I don't know what to prioritize right now though.
Tax receipts of doctor. Both are causing me hell but i am not totally out yet.
The next person that knocks or bangs on my door repeatedly will- I don't know. Face full of frikken whip cream and a big mother effin piece of my mind. :laughing:

it's fighting that feeling of what I used to go through at the farm. When people would come onto the yard and I didn't know what they would take next or what court documents we would be served.
I would literally hit the floor, duck and run every time at the sound of a vehicle.

I still can't stop that sometimes and the amount I have been harassed lately has not helped.

I may have to put off the doctor til tomorrow, since I can make it through with what I have.
I am struggling and losing sleep over the tax receipts and it needs to get done today.

I am really going to screw myself worse if I start dodging this stuff and hiding in my house.
I can't do that.

I am also being sniffed out by my counselor since I promised to go to the meeting on Saturday.
People are starting to worry.

ok I have about 4 hours I am guessing to have the receipts done, and have a nap.
Nap time it is.

There's parts of my plan I can't post on here, but always safety first. A few snags but I will get through today and go full force.
I know the husband I am dealing with can get violent. Something I found out towards the end

Don't want to think about it. Want sleep.