More loans, more pain, more anguish!
 

I'm giving my bank card to a trusted family member tomorrow I can't do it now its too late and I've had a drink and I've visited an escort and I feel like crap!
I'm not strong enough to have a bank card
I had no idea I could get money that quick via the internet into my bank at alarming interest rates up until about 10 days ago.
I've now took out 3 loans.. I've blown the lot.
I'm unable to work my home is at risk as is my life. Happy New year!
I'm the architect of this
This latest spree started on Christmas night and I'm still unable to find a foothold of sobriety. When I first came here which I think was 29/12 I got part way through withdrawal and crashed I picked myself up again and got 4 days through it and off I went again.
I'm obsessed with it, its something I cannot look at in my mind's eye and comprehend.
This is rougher now because ive lost my structure my job went in Oct I've been doing ok with an agency but once i start it's so strong it totally fkn dominates me.
I don't have the luxury of rehab or any of that sunny mountain B.S.!
I have to get this bank card away from me and knuckle down to reading myself the riot act.
It's the building consequences that I find unbearable when I stop to deal with.
Jesus I came here to be a sober poster not a failure!

I'm inhabiting a world I don't belong in!
Immature fantasy delusions
What's it going to take for me!
This is off the scale financially right off it.
I'm heading for a park bench big time if I don't find the balls to abstain!!
I'm 51 and I'm carrying on like a lustful drunk teenager!
I'm my fellowship they call it the inner circle it's the NO GO ZONE!
To me it's home!
I'll keep coming back and back and back.
As the old saying goes if you get knocked down 6 times get up 7!
Talk about labels
Borderline personality disorder
Complex PTSD!
Addict
Freakshow!
Yet I know I'm capable
I'm just useless at the one Thing I have to get skillfull at... Recovery!
Help!:dee

I'm sorry that things are in a mess now Ghoster. I hope that you are ready to make sobriety work for you. The rest of your life will come together as long as you stay sober. You will be able to work your way to finding a job and paying off the debts.

I'm not sure if you have a plan for recovery. Are you being treated for the PTSD and personality disorder? Are you seeing a therapist? And, you are not a freak show. You are a human being who is finding his way.

I appreciate your response to me Anna.
Truth be told I've had more therapists and 12 step sponsors than ive had hot dinners.
There is pain in me that is driving me to extinction.. I don't want that.
There is a book by a Dutch fella.. Bessel van der kolk called - The body keeps the score and I have a DVD set also if his that kind of accompany the book.
I got it last year when I first gained access to the information I felt so uplifted but the reality is that his pioneering intelligence and skill and understanding cannot be found in mainstream therapies.
It's no one's fault it's just the way it is.
I definitely have a trauma induced addiction.
My history coupled with my personality type is like a Molotov cocktail.
I scare myself.
I don't vent
I bottle
My digestion is affected my relationship to my body is in shreds in so many ways.
This doctor speaks of his frustration with trying to get
Developmental trauma disorder included in the DSM.
He also says that when dealing with DTD suffers it differs from PTSD in many ways.
He says to ask patience of their digestion
How it is in turmoil so to speak.
I hold it in my body my trauma
My sister has had more progress than me of late
We had a war zone on our home and through the childhood developmental stAges of our life we didn't nurture we got attacked but it was slow insidious and incremental .
The perpetrator died would you be live in 1986. I just turned 20 at the time.
My addiction became full blown around that time.
I'm livi g with shock waves but they're out of my ability to take ownership of them at the present time.
That's why I keep relapsing because I can't reached the pain on my own and I don't know who to turn to for safe boundaried skillfull help.
My 12 step sponsor came recently and stayed with me for a week it was a complete waste of time I was totally willing but the guy God bless him he's got brilliant solution only strategies and I totally get them but I have to go into my distress to access the solution I've tried the fake it to make it thing!
As in the lyrics from a mercury rev track...
There's no way round the forest the only way is through!
I may have to do that part of it alone.
I've certainly got the ability it's just the belief and the know how that need to be nurtured.
G

Apologies for the inconsistencies in my grammar at times.
I am typing this on my phone
It's all ive got to access the site and it jumps about a lot when I'm writing.

Ghoster18

Deep breath. Take this one step at a time. Can you put down the drink?
If you stay sober this will all become manageable for you.
I know its overwhelming right now. I promise it will get better with some sober time. Its so hard to believe in the positive with alcohol in our systems. I am currently jobless and broke. I am taking it one day at a time. I feel better every day alcohol free. I feel more hope. When I was drinking I only came to to fear and more self destruction. I just have to keep doing the next right thing. Truth be told nothing has changed in my situation in regards to getting a job offer or my relationship with my
boyfriend of 11 years. I still living in a room at my parents house at the age of 47. I am just grateful that I have 16 days sober, I am safe and warm. I have been here since November and I just dug a bigger whole
for myself by getting drunk. I was robbed of over a grand, stupidly gave someone my bank card..that put my account into overdrawn status. Woke up in the hospital a few times via a blackout then came to with severe withdrawel sick and broken, with no money to drink (OH NO)
not to mention get home. An angel put me in a cab and ran her debit card through the meter to get home. I can continue this path if I drink. If I don't drink I don't have to deal with any of that nonsense. None of this happens to me if I stay sober. I don't spend $ foolishly, I don't wake up in random places, I don't lose my phone, pocketbook and laptop. I don't lose my self respect and I have hope for a better future if I stay sober. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You have the power right now to change the direction of your life. Start with baby steps. Obviously you are open to help and support by posting here. Keep going you are worth it. You will be a success story start right now.:grouphug:

Prayers for you dude.

Ghoster, I agree with you that stopping drinking is only the first step. I know I had to do some major soul-searching in order to begin to heal myself. I grew up in a war-zone family too, and I do understand the level of trauma that it creates. But, I have faith that, with stopping drinking and therapy, you will be able to heal yourself.

This is gonna sound lame...
But sometimes i feel I just need a cuddle!
Not a beating!
Your right Faith
Put down the drink first things first.
Then resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to go through my own private hell! Others have gone before me and there's plenty more still to come.
Life death or insanity!
When I post I vent in a constructive way.
That's good for me.
It's good for us!

Can someone pls tell me what
Surrender is and how it can be experienced?

Anna Faith and off the mast.
So grateful to you guys!

We can and will give you all the support in the world but the heavy lifting is down to you man.

I had trauma I drank over too - it got to the point I either found other ways to deal with that trauma or lose myself forever,

I hope you can find some help apart from this site - and find some kind of payment plan for the loans you've taken out.

All the drinking and other addictive behaviour is just pouring gas on the fire, man.

D

Yes, I think you will have to go through your own private hell. Healing is painful at first. It's the reason I was terrified of stopping drinking. There were so many years of so much pain. But, you know what, you can get through it, slowly and surely.

I was a control-freak. So surrender for me meant letting go of everything I couldn't control, which was pretty much everything. The only thing I can control is how I respond to things in my life. That's it.

There's nice genuine people on this planet
I know because your talking to me right now!
I broke bones in my face last year doin this crap
I totalled a car
What's next?
Enough has to be enough!

The car and the facial injuries were separate incidents.
I look at pics of my son on my wall
I feel numb.
It will all thaw but only with sobriety.
I am listening to you guys and ladies on here I really am!

Private hell
Gas on the fire
Heavy lifting
You speak my language!
The sober human being who is waiting to emerge from within this furnace of addiction has got a lot to offer this world in his own small way.
We're all brothers and sisters of this illness.
Your well clean and sober your making it
I can make it too!
Just got to change everything! Lol
It's true though!
I can still smile in spite of the trench I'm in.

I am so happy to hear you say the words put the drink down.
you will have your own private hell but you will not be alone.
Plenty of people who understand exactly what you are going
through with the regards to alcohol will be here for you 2-4-7

Maybe if you just take the rest of the week for self care. Put all your cares in a lock box for a few days and just concentrate on feeling better.
Sleep, relax, post, read, take a hot bath put on comfy clothes try and eat healthy drink lots of water. Know that you are safe and healing yourself. Know that you are not causing any more destruction or ill will towards your life. Try to redirect your thoughts to comforting feelings when your mind wanders. This is what has been helping me. I wanted everything fixed yesterday. I wanted to move mountains my third day sober. I am so impatient and so bored...I hope to look back fondly on these days knowing it is what I had to get through to create a sober life for myself. I am very newly sober.

I feel like I'm swimming with sharks in a suit made of sparks! Emotionally!

I was in a recovery unit in 2001
I room shared with an American lawyer and an Irish Catholic priest.
I was meant to do 4 weeks
I kept running away eventually I did get away I think about 9 days in I hopped on a train and made it to London.
My room mates were interesting people
But I had this constant feeling of inferiority
My ego is a one down type of ego.
When I got home I had flushed pot down the toilet befote i left and I found myself lifting up a mancover or drain lid in my garden searching for the drugs.
I'm still the same
Holding onto the crap cheap in whatever form to make myself feel better... I'm actually in reality making myself feel worse all the time.
I need to grow up mature and learn to defer gratification.
Men from the boys
Woman from the girls
GrowiGrowing pains
I didn't mature properly I guess most of us on here didn't
But you sober ones have a lot to teach me.
Especially if your a wee bit older.
G

I don't know what the rules on religion are here, but I'd pick up a new testament, start with the book of John, and meet my creator and learn or remind myself that I am valuable in the eyes of God. No matter my circumstance and feelings the truth is I am loved and can be redeemed. But that's just me.

That's cool by me!
I think the word God actually gets in the way of who God is!
Too much beard in the sky stuff!
Thanks OTM!
Oddly enough as I punched in to abbreviate your screen name my phone 're arranged it to the name Tom.
That's my sponsors name!

oops I meant to say READ the words put the drink down

I can hear them in my minds eye :lmao

I didn't even notice Faith.
It's the thought that counts
I'm supposed to be at work in about 17 hours
Tonight in my country I've already committed to go but they us no way I'll make it
I'm drinking water now but ive been drinking for hours before that.
Its the middle of the night here and I'm cooking food
I'm all over the place
Definitely not drunk but I'm not sober either.

I misunderstood I didn't realize you had a job.
That is a positive in your life. Do you think you can take a sick day
tomorrow? Then by the weekend you will physically feel better.
It usually take me 72 hours then my physical sickness if gone.
I know everyone is different. That took major action to begin to drink water. I am impressed. Inspiration for me as well.
:You_Rock_

He is still sober isn't he? So it wasn't a waste of his time. There might be a clue in that.

I dont know about addiction but I do know that there is no such thing as trauma induced alcoholism. The trauma can certainly make it worse, but the fact is you would have been alcoholic had the trauma not happened.

Treat the alcoholism with the steps, and, fairly early in the piece, you will be in a position to get effective therapy for the trauma, therapy that your sponsor is not qualified to give. Your sponsor knows only about a single solution to alcoholism. If he is giving you the facts on that, he is doing his job.

I don't actually have a job as such it's agency work.
I said yes to them earlier today and once again I will let them down.
I work nights with the time I've got
Yeah I'm the same usually 3 to 5 days for a decent return to health

Hi,
please try not to feel guilty and dwell, lots of self care, self love and self nuturing. I bet it will feel so nice to wake up next Monday morning sober. Sober time will allow you to be productive again.
Being productive allows you to rebuild your life. This is what helped and inspired me. I was really in a hopeless situation. This allowed me a little bit of hope to get a few days sober. I had to start somewhere.
I hope you get a good nights sleep and just know you are safe and secure in this moment in time while your getting physically better. Nobody is going to hurt you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to , just rest and don't drink.

I started writing this post
I was a couple of lines in and I had a call from a sober member of my fellowship SAA.
We have a lot in common..
I was honest with him in a way I can't be honest with outsiders.
Truth is today I'm still not making it.
This definitely gets more difficult to shut it down as the progression advances.
I am experiencing that now.
Pitiful incomprehensible demoralisation
There it is!!
But I answered a call
I'm posting on SR
There is still a light in me!
G

There is always hope, Ghoster!

What can you do today to remain sober?

Go back to sleep Anna.
Sorry I'm not being cocky.
It's where I'm at today
I find with my addictive pattern that it works it's way through me physically then I'm done I'm like an onlooker.
If I was locked up or somewhere where I was unable to engage it I would have to do it.
So my take on it is a bit lame!
I just still like the spiky rushes.. which are about 1 to 2% of the experience and most of the other percentage time is low energy sadness.
It's a bad deal!
G

Sorry to hear you're back out 'there' ghost. I froze a few of my personal credit cards when I was getting into sobriety. Like literally froze them in my freezer. That was 9mo ago and I've almost got the three paid off now. These were my 'fun cards' that no one monitors except me,so I could spend 'freely' on booze,cash advances for drunken/drugging gambling binges,ect..Stuff I couldn't do with my joint business cards/accounts(even though I have done that before). I hope you can get off the ride you're on,bud. It takes a lot of work and it does suck at first. Best wishes,man!

Thanks DR
I'm a selfish gratifier!
We all probably are or were.
Yes I'm back out there
Not very uplifting to the purpose of this SR community.
But I am trying to find a way
G
God is a word that leaves me lost
I am a word the same
This negative yet buzz filled road
Is a path that always shames!
There's got to be more to life than this constricted oblivion
I know there is more.
I want to be challenged
I need to be uprooted
All I do when I'm sick
Is fill myself with quick release
Then I'm crawling like a snail dis eased.
Engulfed by justifications like a 10 tonne hammer pls.
It's suicide slowicide!
As i have kept it burning I realise I'm hooked on the ride.
It's just not logical no meaning here
It's me in some abstract form
Just feels good so why let go.
I guess death in the addiction is the why to stop.
I'm seeking sympathy oh poor you let us rub:scared::scared::scared::scared::scared::scared ::scared::scared::scared::scared::scared::scared:: scared::scared::scared::scared: your back your shoulders too.
What ********!!!!