More loans, more pain, more anguish!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
More loans, more pain, more anguish!
I'm giving my bank card to a trusted family member tomorrow I can't do it now its too late and I've had a drink and I've visited an escort and I feel like crap!
I'm not strong enough to have a bank card
I had no idea I could get money that quick via the internet into my bank at alarming interest rates up until about 10 days ago.
I've now took out 3 loans.. I've blown the lot.
I'm unable to work my home is at risk as is my life. Happy New year!
I'm the architect of this
This latest spree started on Christmas night and I'm still unable to find a foothold of sobriety. When I first came here which I think was 29/12 I got part way through withdrawal and crashed I picked myself up again and got 4 days through it and off I went again.
I'm obsessed with it, its something I cannot look at in my mind's eye and comprehend.
This is rougher now because ive lost my structure my job went in Oct I've been doing ok with an agency but once i start it's so strong it totally fkn dominates me.
I don't have the luxury of rehab or any of that sunny mountain B.S.!
I have to get this bank card away from me and knuckle down to reading myself the riot act.
It's the building consequences that I find unbearable when I stop to deal with.
Jesus I came here to be a sober poster not a failure!
I'm not strong enough to have a bank card
I had no idea I could get money that quick via the internet into my bank at alarming interest rates up until about 10 days ago.
I've now took out 3 loans.. I've blown the lot.
I'm unable to work my home is at risk as is my life. Happy New year!
I'm the architect of this
This latest spree started on Christmas night and I'm still unable to find a foothold of sobriety. When I first came here which I think was 29/12 I got part way through withdrawal and crashed I picked myself up again and got 4 days through it and off I went again.
I'm obsessed with it, its something I cannot look at in my mind's eye and comprehend.
This is rougher now because ive lost my structure my job went in Oct I've been doing ok with an agency but once i start it's so strong it totally fkn dominates me.
I don't have the luxury of rehab or any of that sunny mountain B.S.!
I have to get this bank card away from me and knuckle down to reading myself the riot act.
It's the building consequences that I find unbearable when I stop to deal with.
Jesus I came here to be a sober poster not a failure!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
I'm inhabiting a world I don't belong in!
Immature fantasy delusions
What's it going to take for me!
This is off the scale financially right off it.
I'm heading for a park bench big time if I don't find the balls to abstain!!
I'm 51 and I'm carrying on like a lustful drunk teenager!
I'm my fellowship they call it the inner circle it's the NO GO ZONE!
To me it's home!
I'll keep coming back and back and back.
As the old saying goes if you get knocked down 6 times get up 7!
Talk about labels
Borderline personality disorder
Complex PTSD!
Addict
Freakshow!
Yet I know I'm capable
I'm just useless at the one Thing I have to get skillfull at... Recovery!
Help!
Immature fantasy delusions
What's it going to take for me!
This is off the scale financially right off it.
I'm heading for a park bench big time if I don't find the balls to abstain!!
I'm 51 and I'm carrying on like a lustful drunk teenager!
I'm my fellowship they call it the inner circle it's the NO GO ZONE!
To me it's home!
I'll keep coming back and back and back.
As the old saying goes if you get knocked down 6 times get up 7!
Talk about labels
Borderline personality disorder
Complex PTSD!
Addict
Freakshow!
Yet I know I'm capable
I'm just useless at the one Thing I have to get skillfull at... Recovery!
Help!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I'm sorry that things are in a mess now Ghoster. I hope that you are ready to make sobriety work for you. The rest of your life will come together as long as you stay sober. You will be able to work your way to finding a job and paying off the debts.
I'm not sure if you have a plan for recovery. Are you being treated for the PTSD and personality disorder? Are you seeing a therapist? And, you are not a freak show. You are a human being who is finding his way.
I'm not sure if you have a plan for recovery. Are you being treated for the PTSD and personality disorder? Are you seeing a therapist? And, you are not a freak show. You are a human being who is finding his way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
I appreciate your response to me Anna.
Truth be told I've had more therapists and 12 step sponsors than ive had hot dinners.
There is pain in me that is driving me to extinction.. I don't want that.
There is a book by a Dutch fella.. Bessel van der kolk called - The body keeps the score and I have a DVD set also if his that kind of accompany the book.
I got it last year when I first gained access to the information I felt so uplifted but the reality is that his pioneering intelligence and skill and understanding cannot be found in mainstream therapies.
It's no one's fault it's just the way it is.
I definitely have a trauma induced addiction.
My history coupled with my personality type is like a Molotov cocktail.
I scare myself.
I don't vent
I bottle
My digestion is affected my relationship to my body is in shreds in so many ways.
This doctor speaks of his frustration with trying to get
Developmental trauma disorder included in the DSM.
He also says that when dealing with DTD suffers it differs from PTSD in many ways.
He says to ask patience of their digestion
How it is in turmoil so to speak.
I hold it in my body my trauma
My sister has had more progress than me of late
We had a war zone on our home and through the childhood developmental stAges of our life we didn't nurture we got attacked but it was slow insidious and incremental .
The perpetrator died would you be live in 1986. I just turned 20 at the time.
My addiction became full blown around that time.
I'm livi g with shock waves but they're out of my ability to take ownership of them at the present time.
That's why I keep relapsing because I can't reached the pain on my own and I don't know who to turn to for safe boundaried skillfull help.
My 12 step sponsor came recently and stayed with me for a week it was a complete waste of time I was totally willing but the guy God bless him he's got brilliant solution only strategies and I totally get them but I have to go into my distress to access the solution I've tried the fake it to make it thing!
As in the lyrics from a mercury rev track...
There's no way round the forest the only way is through!
I may have to do that part of it alone.
I've certainly got the ability it's just the belief and the know how that need to be nurtured.
G
Truth be told I've had more therapists and 12 step sponsors than ive had hot dinners.
There is pain in me that is driving me to extinction.. I don't want that.
There is a book by a Dutch fella.. Bessel van der kolk called - The body keeps the score and I have a DVD set also if his that kind of accompany the book.
I got it last year when I first gained access to the information I felt so uplifted but the reality is that his pioneering intelligence and skill and understanding cannot be found in mainstream therapies.
It's no one's fault it's just the way it is.
I definitely have a trauma induced addiction.
My history coupled with my personality type is like a Molotov cocktail.
I scare myself.
I don't vent
I bottle
My digestion is affected my relationship to my body is in shreds in so many ways.
This doctor speaks of his frustration with trying to get
Developmental trauma disorder included in the DSM.
He also says that when dealing with DTD suffers it differs from PTSD in many ways.
He says to ask patience of their digestion
How it is in turmoil so to speak.
I hold it in my body my trauma
My sister has had more progress than me of late
We had a war zone on our home and through the childhood developmental stAges of our life we didn't nurture we got attacked but it was slow insidious and incremental .
The perpetrator died would you be live in 1986. I just turned 20 at the time.
My addiction became full blown around that time.
I'm livi g with shock waves but they're out of my ability to take ownership of them at the present time.
That's why I keep relapsing because I can't reached the pain on my own and I don't know who to turn to for safe boundaried skillfull help.
My 12 step sponsor came recently and stayed with me for a week it was a complete waste of time I was totally willing but the guy God bless him he's got brilliant solution only strategies and I totally get them but I have to go into my distress to access the solution I've tried the fake it to make it thing!
As in the lyrics from a mercury rev track...
There's no way round the forest the only way is through!
I may have to do that part of it alone.
I've certainly got the ability it's just the belief and the know how that need to be nurtured.
G
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Ghoster18
Deep breath. Take this one step at a time. Can you put down the drink?
If you stay sober this will all become manageable for you.
I know its overwhelming right now. I promise it will get better with some sober time. Its so hard to believe in the positive with alcohol in our systems. I am currently jobless and broke. I am taking it one day at a time. I feel better every day alcohol free. I feel more hope. When I was drinking I only came to to fear and more self destruction. I just have to keep doing the next right thing. Truth be told nothing has changed in my situation in regards to getting a job offer or my relationship with my
boyfriend of 11 years. I still living in a room at my parents house at the age of 47. I am just grateful that I have 16 days sober, I am safe and warm. I have been here since November and I just dug a bigger whole
for myself by getting drunk. I was robbed of over a grand, stupidly gave someone my bank card..that put my account into overdrawn status. Woke up in the hospital a few times via a blackout then came to with severe withdrawel sick and broken, with no money to drink (OH NO)
not to mention get home. An angel put me in a cab and ran her debit card through the meter to get home. I can continue this path if I drink. If I don't drink I don't have to deal with any of that nonsense. None of this happens to me if I stay sober. I don't spend $ foolishly, I don't wake up in random places, I don't lose my phone, pocketbook and laptop. I don't lose my self respect and I have hope for a better future if I stay sober. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You have the power right now to change the direction of your life. Start with baby steps. Obviously you are open to help and support by posting here. Keep going you are worth it. You will be a success story start right now.
Deep breath. Take this one step at a time. Can you put down the drink?
If you stay sober this will all become manageable for you.
I know its overwhelming right now. I promise it will get better with some sober time. Its so hard to believe in the positive with alcohol in our systems. I am currently jobless and broke. I am taking it one day at a time. I feel better every day alcohol free. I feel more hope. When I was drinking I only came to to fear and more self destruction. I just have to keep doing the next right thing. Truth be told nothing has changed in my situation in regards to getting a job offer or my relationship with my
boyfriend of 11 years. I still living in a room at my parents house at the age of 47. I am just grateful that I have 16 days sober, I am safe and warm. I have been here since November and I just dug a bigger whole
for myself by getting drunk. I was robbed of over a grand, stupidly gave someone my bank card..that put my account into overdrawn status. Woke up in the hospital a few times via a blackout then came to with severe withdrawel sick and broken, with no money to drink (OH NO)
not to mention get home. An angel put me in a cab and ran her debit card through the meter to get home. I can continue this path if I drink. If I don't drink I don't have to deal with any of that nonsense. None of this happens to me if I stay sober. I don't spend $ foolishly, I don't wake up in random places, I don't lose my phone, pocketbook and laptop. I don't lose my self respect and I have hope for a better future if I stay sober. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You have the power right now to change the direction of your life. Start with baby steps. Obviously you are open to help and support by posting here. Keep going you are worth it. You will be a success story start right now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Ghoster, I agree with you that stopping drinking is only the first step. I know I had to do some major soul-searching in order to begin to heal myself. I grew up in a war-zone family too, and I do understand the level of trauma that it creates. But, I have faith that, with stopping drinking and therapy, you will be able to heal yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
This is gonna sound lame...
But sometimes i feel I just need a cuddle!
Not a beating!
Your right Faith
Put down the drink first things first.
Then resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to go through my own private hell! Others have gone before me and there's plenty more still to come.
Life death or insanity!
When I post I vent in a constructive way.
That's good for me.
It's good for us!
Can someone pls tell me what
Surrender is and how it can be experienced?
But sometimes i feel I just need a cuddle!
Not a beating!
Your right Faith
Put down the drink first things first.
Then resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to go through my own private hell! Others have gone before me and there's plenty more still to come.
Life death or insanity!
When I post I vent in a constructive way.
That's good for me.
It's good for us!
Can someone pls tell me what
Surrender is and how it can be experienced?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
We can and will give you all the support in the world but the heavy lifting is down to you man.
I had trauma I drank over too - it got to the point I either found other ways to deal with that trauma or lose myself forever,
I hope you can find some help apart from this site - and find some kind of payment plan for the loans you've taken out.
All the drinking and other addictive behaviour is just pouring gas on the fire, man.
D
I had trauma I drank over too - it got to the point I either found other ways to deal with that trauma or lose myself forever,
I hope you can find some help apart from this site - and find some kind of payment plan for the loans you've taken out.
All the drinking and other addictive behaviour is just pouring gas on the fire, man.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Yes, I think you will have to go through your own private hell. Healing is painful at first. It's the reason I was terrified of stopping drinking. There were so many years of so much pain. But, you know what, you can get through it, slowly and surely.
I was a control-freak. So surrender for me meant letting go of everything I couldn't control, which was pretty much everything. The only thing I can control is how I respond to things in my life. That's it.
I was a control-freak. So surrender for me meant letting go of everything I couldn't control, which was pretty much everything. The only thing I can control is how I respond to things in my life. That's it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
The car and the facial injuries were separate incidents.
I look at pics of my son on my wall
I feel numb.
It will all thaw but only with sobriety.
I am listening to you guys and ladies on here I really am!
I look at pics of my son on my wall
I feel numb.
It will all thaw but only with sobriety.
I am listening to you guys and ladies on here I really am!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Private hell
Gas on the fire
Heavy lifting
You speak my language!
The sober human being who is waiting to emerge from within this furnace of addiction has got a lot to offer this world in his own small way.
We're all brothers and sisters of this illness.
Your well clean and sober your making it
I can make it too!
Just got to change everything! Lol
It's true though!
I can still smile in spite of the trench I'm in.
Gas on the fire
Heavy lifting
You speak my language!
The sober human being who is waiting to emerge from within this furnace of addiction has got a lot to offer this world in his own small way.
We're all brothers and sisters of this illness.
Your well clean and sober your making it
I can make it too!
Just got to change everything! Lol
It's true though!
I can still smile in spite of the trench I'm in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by Ghoster18 
This is gonna sound lame...
But sometimes i feel I just need a cuddle!
Not a beating!
Your right Faith
Put down the drink first things first.
Then resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to go through my own private hell! Others have gone before me and there's plenty more still to come.
Life death or insanity!
When I post I vent in a constructive way.
That's good for me.
It's good for us!
Can someone pls tell me what
Surrender is and how it can be experienced?
But sometimes i feel I just need a cuddle!
Not a beating!
Your right Faith
Put down the drink first things first.
Then resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to go through my own private hell! Others have gone before me and there's plenty more still to come.
Life death or insanity!
When I post I vent in a constructive way.
That's good for me.
It's good for us!
Can someone pls tell me what
Surrender is and how it can be experienced?
you will have your own private hell but you will not be alone.
Plenty of people who understand exactly what you are going
through with the regards to alcohol will be here for you 2-4-7
Maybe if you just take the rest of the week for self care. Put all your cares in a lock box for a few days and just concentrate on feeling better.
Sleep, relax, post, read, take a hot bath put on comfy clothes try and eat healthy drink lots of water. Know that you are safe and healing yourself. Know that you are not causing any more destruction or ill will towards your life. Try to redirect your thoughts to comforting feelings when your mind wanders. This is what has been helping me. I wanted everything fixed yesterday. I wanted to move mountains my third day sober. I am so impatient and so bored...I hope to look back fondly on these days knowing it is what I had to get through to create a sober life for myself. I am very newly sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
I feel like I'm swimming with sharks in a suit made of sparks! Emotionally!
I was in a recovery unit in 2001
I room shared with an American lawyer and an Irish Catholic priest.
I was meant to do 4 weeks
I kept running away eventually I did get away I think about 9 days in I hopped on a train and made it to London.
My room mates were interesting people
But I had this constant feeling of inferiority
My ego is a one down type of ego.
When I got home I had flushed pot down the toilet befote i left and I found myself lifting up a mancover or drain lid in my garden searching for the drugs.
I'm still the same
Holding onto the crap cheap in whatever form to make myself feel better... I'm actually in reality making myself feel worse all the time.
I need to grow up mature and learn to defer gratification.
Men from the boys
Woman from the girls
GrowiGrowing pains
I didn't mature properly I guess most of us on here didn't
But you sober ones have a lot to teach me.
Especially if your a wee bit older.
G
I was in a recovery unit in 2001
I room shared with an American lawyer and an Irish Catholic priest.
I was meant to do 4 weeks
I kept running away eventually I did get away I think about 9 days in I hopped on a train and made it to London.
My room mates were interesting people
But I had this constant feeling of inferiority
My ego is a one down type of ego.
When I got home I had flushed pot down the toilet befote i left and I found myself lifting up a mancover or drain lid in my garden searching for the drugs.
I'm still the same
Holding onto the crap cheap in whatever form to make myself feel better... I'm actually in reality making myself feel worse all the time.
I need to grow up mature and learn to defer gratification.
Men from the boys
Woman from the girls
GrowiGrowing pains
I didn't mature properly I guess most of us on here didn't
But you sober ones have a lot to teach me.
Especially if your a wee bit older.
G
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,284
I don't know what the rules on religion are here, but I'd pick up a new testament, start with the book of John, and meet my creator and learn or remind myself that I am valuable in the eyes of God. No matter my circumstance and feelings the truth is I am loved and can be redeemed. But that's just me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
That's cool by me!
I think the word God actually gets in the way of who God is!
Too much beard in the sky stuff!
Thanks OTM!
Oddly enough as I punched in to abbreviate your screen name my phone 're arranged it to the name Tom.
That's my sponsors name!
I think the word God actually gets in the way of who God is!
Too much beard in the sky stuff!
Thanks OTM!
Oddly enough as I punched in to abbreviate your screen name my phone 're arranged it to the name Tom.
That's my sponsors name!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by faith823
I am so happy to hear you say the words put the drink down.
you will have your own private hell but you will not be alone.
Plenty of people who understand exactly what you are going
through with the regards to alcohol will be here for you 2-4-7
Maybe if you just take the rest of the week for self care. Put all your cares in a lock box for a few days and just concentrate on feeling better.
Sleep, relax, post, read, take a hot bath put on comfy clothes try and eat healthy drink lots of water. Know that you are safe and healing yourself. Know that you are not causing any more destruction or ill will towards your life. Try to redirect your thoughts to comforting feelings when your mind wanders. This is what has been helping me. I wanted everything fixed yesterday. I wanted to move mountains my third day sober. I am so impatient and so bored...I hope to look back fondly on these days knowing it is what I had to get through to create a sober life for myself. I am very newly sober.
you will have your own private hell but you will not be alone.
Plenty of people who understand exactly what you are going
through with the regards to alcohol will be here for you 2-4-7
Maybe if you just take the rest of the week for self care. Put all your cares in a lock box for a few days and just concentrate on feeling better.
Sleep, relax, post, read, take a hot bath put on comfy clothes try and eat healthy drink lots of water. Know that you are safe and healing yourself. Know that you are not causing any more destruction or ill will towards your life. Try to redirect your thoughts to comforting feelings when your mind wanders. This is what has been helping me. I wanted everything fixed yesterday. I wanted to move mountains my third day sober. I am so impatient and so bored...I hope to look back fondly on these days knowing it is what I had to get through to create a sober life for myself. I am very newly sober.
I can hear them in my minds eye
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