Hard to hate myself less right now
 

After six months sober a couple years ago, my pink cloud disappeared and resentments and sadness surfaced. I started drinking again. I would have good periods and bad, times when I drank more followed by remorseful periods of semi-sobriety.

I got into a relationship, during a good/light drinking period, and fell in love for the first time in ten years. I was good for the first few months, not wanting to drink because I didn’t want to mess things up. He never called me on my drinking, which gradually got worse. I broke a bone. I embarassed myself at parties. I forgot many nights. And every night I was sober, I was grateful for it. That was maybe half the nights.

After 9 months, I felt uneasy. I still hadn’t divulged my history, nervous he would judge me, and I was too nervous to ask what he thought of me. So I drank, went into a dark place in my head, and blew his words and actions out of proportion, thinking they were a sign he wasn’t interested.

And in a drunken stupor, I broke up with him. I wanted to hurt back. I don’t even remember all of what I said but I know that when you are angry at someone, it reflects what you don’t like about yourself. And I yelled at him for not feeling emotionally connected, when I was angry at myself for not being more open.

Apologies failed to do the trick. He doesn’t want to see me. Not once in our relationship did he ever say, “I am upset with you for X,” “I don’t like it when you do Y.” I didn’t ask him but was left to wonder. And failing to call me on my action gave me license to stop drinking tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

Drinking has failed me in relationships. I dated another alcoholic, wasting 9 months with someone who I never would have found to be a fit if I weren’t drinking. And then I dated and married a man who I didn’t love or find attractive but was responsible and could pour a glass of wine and just drink half. That was important to me, to help me keep my drinking in check.

I wanted to apologize in person, but he doesn’t want to see me. He says he wants to get over me.

For the first time in my life, alcohol has been the catalyst for me losing someone I truly loved. It led me to lose half the time we shared, since I wasn’t fully present. It sparked angry outbursts I would never have had sober. It is ironic that I was too nervous to get back in the rooms and get completely sober with him because I didn’t want to admit that I am an alcoholic. I didn’t want to him to judge me. I didn’t want him to tell his gossipy friends, though I could have asked him not to. I could have trusted him. I could have done a lot of things, including getting sober.

Sadly, I didn’t decide to stop drinking right after I broke up with him. I drank to deal with the heartbreak, still hoping he would change his mind. It is clear now that he won’t, and even more clear that my drinking is now making things worse. I am showing up later to work, sleeping poorly, and ridiculously depressed. It is keeping me from being a better friend and family member, a better employee, and a stronger athlete.

My last serious periods of sobriety might have been avoided if I had built up a network of sober friends. But I would stop going to meetings after I felt like I had my sobriety down; there were so many other things I wanted to do with my time. I did not make an effort to build the friendships I might have relied upon to stay sober.

I know that staying sober needs to be my number 1 priority right now for it to stick. I need to prioritize that, and this post is my first attempt at laying out my intentions and holding myself accountable.

Here is my current plan:
1. I will make an appointment with a therapist today.
2. I will attend a meeting tonight and I will speak up. I will attend three meetings this week.
3. I will fill the evenings of my calendar for the next two weeks. If I can get past the dinner hour, I am fine.
4. I will check in with sober recovery every day for the next month.

I am also looking up goal races for 2018, active workouts to do with others, potential coaches. I haven’t committed to anything yet, but I can dream big.

I welcome your advice and support.

Signing up for a few goal races sounds like a great idea. I always found having a big goal race and a good selection of build up races was a strong incentive to stay away from the booze.

In fact I think I may go research some myself! Getting back into it may be just the thing. Maybe we can start a SoberRecovery team :)

I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm glad you found your way back here ironwoman :)

sounds like the making of a good plan - if you need more ideas I recommend this link:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html

D

Sounds like you are finally setting the right foundation to achieve success at sobriety. Well done!

I'm sorry for the pain of your breakup. It's good that you are ready to make the changes in your life that will help your recovery.

I have never woken up sober and wished I had drank the night before. :)

Welcome back! :grouphug:

PS, don't hate yourself, instead, heal yourself. :)

Very powerful post thank you. I could have written this a few times in my 20s and early 30s

I don't know how old you are. I'm 43 and can so relate. The potential relationships that didnt go beyond dates 1 or 2 were one thing because of my drinking but the sheer devastation of losing very serious relationship 2 in my case because of my drinking are were difficult to come to terms with.

As I got older and as I got sober (I had a 3 yr stint sober )I learned that men jut won't put up with women who have a drink problem. I was reckless dangerous angry depressed emotional unstable embarrassing desperate and he just never knew what I'd do next.

My heart was broken and I wanted to die but time did heal. I look back now and realise the relationship was dysfunctional and I wasn't emotonally ready for it I needed to get sober and work on myself. It took me years to face up to things and I wasted so many good years.

Please don't waste anymore time. One thing is for sure and I'm telling myself this even now as I'm back in early sobriety. If I don't stop drinking this will happen again.

I'm sorry for your pain but promise by stopping drinking and working on repairing you self you will feel better

I feel your sadness. I’m glad you are choosing to work on sobriety. It sounds like you are familiar with some sober tools, but struggle to use them. I’m glad you are choosing to use them now. We all get sober because we get tired of being stolen from. Alcohol is a thief. Yet both you and I have welcomed him. Time to stop believing that lying felon. Put him outside your life, your heart, your body. Get free, heal, love and be loved. Blessings, stay strong!

I feel your sadness, too. My husband was on his last straw with me...with my emotional outbursts, my long days and weekends spent drinking, my angry messages to him while drunk, embarrassing him in front of everyone....oh, the stories I have.

I’m working on 3 months of sobriety and he trusts me again. I’ve had many attempts of sobriety of course, but this time I told everyone I was just done with drinking. Including myself.

I’m pretty sure going back to the alcohol, which I absolutely cannot control in any fashion, would end the marriage and damned near everything else, too. I’m holding on tight.

No one should ever expect another human being to remain in an intimate relationship with an active alcoholic. It’s by nature an abusive relationship.

Glad that you are here, and posting and have a plan.

Once you've decided that you have reached your rock bottom, then you can start building on it.

BB

Hello and welcome back!! I have felt many of the exact same things in the past when I was attempting to moderate alcohol, it never worked, and I always ended up back to drinking way more than I should have.

You can bounce back from this though, and it sounds like you have the beginnings of a good plan. I am posting a few other threads you might find useful. I'm not sure if you have been part of the monthly classes in the past, but they are really helpful. Also, the 24 hour thread is a great place to check in each day, and meet an incredible group of supportive people.

Looking forward to seeing you on SR!

December Class 2017
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ad-pt-1-a.html

Link about Recovery Plans
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html

24 Hour Thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-321-a.html

What is a Recovery Plan
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html

Holiday Survival Guide
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ers-2-0-a.html

ReadyAtLast - thank you for your post. It hit me really, really hard. I am not much younger than you, and my relationships have been defined by my drinking. You’re right - no one wants to get into a relationship with an alcoholic. The lashing out, emotional ups and downs, inability to have a conversation.

I felt like I was ready, after a 3-year break, for a relationship. But I also thought I could manage. And it hurts to be right back at square one, on day 1.

DD - thanks for the links. Another punch to the gut - the list of signs you are losing control. Not eating or sleeping. Check. Feeling needy. Check. Lashing out. Check.

Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate and am making sobriety my first priority now. That makes me feel nervous and selfish but I had no problem making booze number one for so long. Let’s do this. :)

I need to be honest here. This week’s action plan did not involve getting sober, and I haven’t been. Mind-boggling. I thought it would be enough if I packed my schedule with events and friends who know I have a problem. A friend brought me to an event with free alcohol, and I failed.

But I am about to enter a meeting. My action plan said 3 meetings a week, and I don’t want to have to go to two on Saturday. I only have one so far.

I realized, when I walked into work late and hung over, that I need to prioritize this for a while if I want to get sober. So i will show up late to a social (where there won’t be alcohol) so I can attend a beginner’s meeting.