I'm glad you're not drinking now, AO.

The world has always sucked. First thing out of the box, one brother killed the other. Our species has enthusiastically sacrificed each other en masse, starved, enslaved, and worked to death whole tribes, scavenged gold teeth from the dead, and raped and raped and raped.

The difference in modern society is that I, writing this, am astonishingly free and safe. I can write this. It's an amazing privilege to be a free, literate, middle class woman -- something incredibly rare throughout history. Fragile, probably. Not to be wasted while it lasts.

Again, I'm glad you're not drinking.

Channel your inner southern antebellum belle " Why , Beauregard, I do declare" :)
Declare and reap the benefits, or not and reap the whirlwind, how's that for dramatical

Seriously though , rooting for you to make a declaration, not public, to yourself. Pancreas , liver kidney, heart ect have no great affinity for the dramatic they can only take so much :)

LOL Right ?

I mean for chrissake I'm an actor whose moniker is "AlphaOmega".

Just take a gander at my profile pic.

Ohhh the hilarity of it all....:c011:

^^^ :lmao

there are some truths i know for me:
alcohol ever sloved anything for me.
alcohol WILL kill me
i dont have to allow that to happen.
for every problem there IS a solution.
i dont have all the answers to the solutions nor do i need to.
but someone else does and all i have to do is ask.
anger sucks. i was a rage aholic. im no longer a rageaholic because i found solutions by asking others.

If only it actually brought peace.
The one truth many of us here can agree on is that drinking impedes any kind of real peace. It steals the soul and it kills. I wish this was simply dramatic hyperbole, but it's not. Too many of us lived that truth for too long.

I am rooting for this too!

AO, I am currently reading a book which I think you would love. It is called Love's Executioner by Irvin D. Yalom. (I'm on a psychotherapy kick if you can tell) It is a beautiful book which explores many of the things you are pondering right now by examining the author's (a psychotherapist) work with several of his patients. It is an enjoyable read. Funny, sad, heartbreaking, tender, all kinds of things. Give it a look.

From Amazon:
"Love's Executioner is Yalom's wise, humane, stirring and utterly absorbing account of how 10 of his patients try to cope with what he calls 'existence pain'--the knowledge that death is inevitable, that each of us is ultimately alone, that life has no clear meaning, but that we nonetheless have the freedom 'to make our lives as we will'..... Irvin Yalom's book is charged with hope and generosity of spirit."

https://www.amazon.com/Loves-Executi.../dp/0465020119


And what is existential psychotherapy? It begins with the idea that our fundamental psychological dis-ease results from difficulties baked into human existence, such as our fear of death and our ultimate aloneness. Or as Yalom writes in Love's Executioner prologue: There are "four givens that are particularly relevant to psychotherapy: the inevitability of death for each of us and for those we love, the freedom to make our lives as we will, our ultimate aloneness, and, finally, the absence of any obvious meaning or sense to life. However grim these givens may seem, they contain the seeds of wisdom and redemption. I hope to demonstrate, in these ten tales of psychotherapy, that it is possible to confront the truths of existence and harness their power in the service of personal change and growth." *

Good recommendation. I enjoyed this book.

so what if it is?
it's too heavy, i s what i mean by it...too heavy and grand a thing to think we/ you need to carry or be responsible for.

no offense or judgment intended, but yeah, it is an opinion, and you weren't asking for any. i apologize.

good to see you keeping on.

See it's not though. It's not too heavy.

It's a calling. Just like any other. It's one of my life purposes. It's one of the things I sincerely believe I came here to do. There are many many of us. Many of us live and do that work right here on this board.

Anyway.

I saved a seven year olds boy's life tonight. He got stung by a bee and went anaphylactic and his mother didn't understand what that meant.

Why I answered that text from her, I still have no idea.

She was my absolute biggest nemesis growing up. Made my life in the neighborhood holy hell. Literally. Hell.

She mocked me after my sister overdosed. And made fun of me because my mother was a drunk.

And I just saved her sons life...

:hitwithro

Hi old friend.

I think you might have been right all along.... :(

:hug:

Lol. You know. All the stuffs.

That I wanted so much for you. That I wanted you to know you could have if you just - tried harder, put out more positive, Ugh. I can't even.

All that crap and nonsense I spewed out , that I feel like an absolute idiot for now.

I'd quote them, but 400 chapters of Diary.......

And, you pushed back because you KNEW this life experience, for the most part, is just a shitstorm of jag bags and Schadenfrugen (have fun with those ones autocorrect).

If you ever wanted to be understood, know that I get it.
Now I actually get it.
I hear you.

And I understand.

((((AO)))) I believe we are here for purpose. You saved a kid's life tonight. I think that's pretty good. I know some think it's crazy talk, it I do believe there's a Cosmic something.

Lately, in my old age, I've been seeing the pin balls ping in some interesting ways, maybe our struggles and sufferings are not fruitless or futile.

What caused me to check in to SR? And here I found old friends! Ones who gave a lot to me, and that's still with me. And I'm getting by today. And sober still.

I think that's interesting. And here we are.

Love from Lenina

I know this is discussed frequently, but I will put my thoughts here for any lurkers reading. It is very difficult (some psychiatrists say impossible) to treat any sort of underlying issues without first stopping the use of alcohol and drugs (for those who use them as most of us do/did). I hear what you are saying, but I respectfully disagree that issues must be resolved in order to stop using. That line of thinking kept me in a depressed drunken stupor, and then progressed to a suicide attempt. Only when I stopped, did I have a fighting chance at some sort of successful treatment of my other issues. Continued use kept me from ever having a chance in hell to get my sh*t together enough to even loosely resemble a sort of normal life.

Yes, you do have a calling and you recognize that. Your true calling and your true nature is not to be drunk. That is not our purest self.

Damn, you saved a child's life tonight. All I did was make some banana bread post some soap pictures to FaceBook. Lame.

Keep at it AO. It's not over.

Hi AO. I've been reading along, and am sorry to hear of your struggles. I can relate, I went for a long time doing the relapse dance...every time I relapsed I seemed to sell a bit more of my soul...and further down I spiralled.

I'm not sure I have the right words to say to help. But deep inside I knew there was a better version of me. The one that my Grandparents saw when they looked at me...the one my little brother saw...the one my kids loved...I didn't know where she had gone, but years of drinking and getting lost in that self-absorbed pit of despair had buried her.

Getting sober this time, this last time, I have realised my place in the universe, and its tiny! I'm a speck on this earth, and my time here is very short.

Saving a boy's life? That's huge...it might possibly be the greatest legacy you give to another. Can't say I've ever done that, but I know that in my being sober and present emotionally and physically in my kids lives...I'm making a difference to them...I'm making their lives deeper and more filled with love...I'm making my Mum's life easier and more comfortable as her health dwindles...and I'm a better wife and friend.

And so now I realise that it was never about me. Life is about what I can do for others. I didn't realise how dark and meaningless my life had become until I stopped looking inward and focussed on the outward.

Getting sober is painful...our addictions don't give up without a fight..but I want to share my truth. I joined here in 2012. I got sober finally in 2016. And yes, it's been worth it. I've never felt happier or more content.

Sending you love ❤️

That is so beautiful, Jeni.

<3

Lisa (not her real name), was a mafia princess.

She had ALL the finest things life could offer. But the one I coveted most was her family.

Two adoring parents, 4 brothers, a father with a record distribution company which led her to meet rock starts left and right. Journey came to her house. And Boston. Freaking BOSTON. Frampton Live wasn't just a suburban issue. He ate at their uber well appointed home. It was incredible.

The utmost " it girl" , with all the accoutrements to boot.

Pin ball machines in her basement. AND, a bar WITH a real soda fountain. Her very own harp in her room, birthday parties compete with limos and theatrical performances. A convertible for her 16th birthday, and prep school and perfect perms. They even had a nanny ! A live in nanny. In the 70's that was kinda a big deal.

Lavish parties that we were never invited to. Fourth of July parties that included their very own fireworks display. And a St. Bernard.. God I wanted a dog so bad.

But, All that was just "stuff" and I knew it even then.

I wanted to know what it felt like to not be lonely. To have built in friends aka siblings. I wanted to know what it was like to have sleep overs (mom wasn't big on those, as they cut into her drinking time). I would climb my tree and the backyard and secretly plot her demise.

I couldn't imagine, literally having, IT ALL.

When my only sibling died from an overdose when I was 15, that when things got really bad. We became "that family". I wasn't sure what I hated more. The odd glances or then pitiful stares. The pain was unbearable. UN. Bearable. But she upped the ante by telling secrets in front of me to the other kids. And then she took my only friend.

But when she drove past my house that one night in her convertible, full of cool kids, and proclaimed that my sister was a ****** up druggie, and my mother was a drunk ? Well, that sealed her fate.

She was really the worst. Person. Ever.

We reconnected on FB a few years back. And her life ?
Well, let's just say karma has given me a grand dose of poetic justice.

Her ex was, alas, an addict. Who chose drugs over her and their 4 children. Left her homeless. And penniless. Her parents are financially sunk and can't help. Or won't help. I think it might be the latter. She's lost most of her teeth. And is on state aid. Has 2 DUI's, and a 70 year old "boyfriend". Appears to have a few substance abuse issues of her own as well.

Admittedly, in the beginning of our reconnection, I schdenfrauded her right proper. I took EXTREME pleasure in her riches to rags fate. It was all things right in the world giving me my just deserts.

But then that shifted.

And I began to genuinely admire her for her tenacity. And fortitude. And resourcefulness . And ability to raise those babies on a farm. Off the grid. With some old man who either took pity on her, or wanted him a hot chick. Either way, she was survive that riches to rags story. And I was impressed with that.

Because, well, life had kicked her ass.

I guess none of us gets out unscathed. Or alive.

Why she reached out to me last night after her son came in from the fields puffy and struggling to breathe, God I can not make sense out of it. She is 5 hrs away from me. We aren't even "close". But she sought my advice. For some unknown reason.

She sincerely did not understand that her son was dying before her eyes.

She's country folk now. No sign of the debutante sophisticate that was presented to society only 3 short decades ago.

I begged her to call and ambulance. They were able to save him.
He was turning blue when they got there.

I watched my parents lose a child.

And hell if I was going to watch someone else.

I suppose in some strange way, I had a choice to make.

I made the only one I could.