It turned on me.
 

Same old song and dance.

Tried to fit booze into my life. Again. Why ? I suppose I thought I had it under control. Which I did. For a minute.

But it's dark in here right now. Really dark and jaded.

I've been here before. I just gotta wait it out.

This is a whole new level of misery and shame. I feel lost. Spiritually void. Emotionally shot. Physically bereft.

I'm fresh outta looking for answers and seeking guidance.
Who I thought I was, I no longer am.

The dark spirits have taken hold, again, because I let them back in with that first sip of their oblivion promising elixir.

I just wanted to escape.
For a minute.

And that minute has turned into months.

:(

((((alphaomega))))

I have thought of you so very often.

Hold on, dear one.

Your spirit, your light, your soul will return.

Stay close.

We've ALL been there. Get you a solid plan and work it! I've been "back out there" One too many times for my liking. I'm still rebuilding some parts of my life from my last "just one". Just do the work and don't drink today.

AO,
Its good to see you back. This too shall pass. You can resume a non drinking life and gain strength. Im sorry you are enduring this. I too went to the bottle and it took me a few years to get out of my destruction.

Keep posting. stay close. SR is here for you.

Sorry to hear your plight AO. Sending strength and prayers your way. Be kind to yourself while you go through this difficult time and maybe find a way to strengthen your resolve.

Make it a new beginning- your alpha, not the end- except of booze. Get up and keep going forward- time will, now up to you to use it good. Go to just one meeting, see your doc- get a check up, see a counsellor- talk to a priest, go for a walk, post here, research, pray, do whatever- just do not give up. Eat, hydrate, rest. Support to you.

Hey AO

I have missed you
Where are you right now in terms of Quit?
Done it, on the way, a few days in?

First things first--the desperate hopelessness will begin to pass
the longer the booze is out of your system.
You know this, but it's hard to remember in the abyss

See the hands reaching for you?
Grab them and start climbing :grouphug:

Many Prayers AO! Get to work and sobriety will happen.

I swear this time around it actually stole my soul.

I have always been able to connect with spirit, Or my angels. To count my blessings and see better days are coming.

Truth is, nothing has really changed since I first came here. Same issues as what brought me here originally. With my mother. My anxiety. My phobias.

I feel like I DID the heavy lifting. The work.

I thought I knew who I was.

I don't.

Lost beyond recognition.

Alcoholism stole mine, too, AO.

Sobriety and recovery returned it to me.

It will for you, too, dear one.

We recognize you AO and we like you.

You are not lost or broken. Alcoholism pushes you hard in false directions, because it desperately wants you to despair and drink. The obsession to drink will take everything and leave you like trash, but you don't have to drink.

Take a stand. You are perfectly whole just trapped under the weight of the lies that drinking deludes you with. Unbury yourself. Put the liquor down now.

xxxooo

It funny how hypocritical I feel.

I used to think I had the answers to the test.

I don't.

I would go back and re read my former posts, but those just all feel like same sh-t different day. I am no further along than I was 5 years ago. If anything, one gone backwards.

I wanted to be the one that figured it out. Knew how to help others. Knew that if I just did the work, the answers would keep coming.

Like life was a puzzle to be pieced together.

And in the end, I'd get to say I made it !

You just gotta do this, this and this, and you are golden,

Nope. Not true. Not even close to being true.

I'm starting to think that IF there even is a God, he's got a sick sense of humor.

I didn't sign up for this.

None of us did.

Biggest thing I had to give up -- bigger than booze, though I had to give that up first -- the desire to figure things out.

It's ok not to know. :hug:

AO, at least some of what you are feeling right now is your AV trying to win this battle. You're down, but you're not out. You're here and you're seeking support. Your AV wants to keep you down and convince you that you are lost forever, so of course you will turn to alcohol. Don't do that. Turn this around and move forward. We're here for you.

I wondered how you were just the other day.

I don't think you have to wait it out, Action is the key. You don't have to stay in the dark a moment longer than you want to.

Really :)

I'm glad you made it back AO :)

D

I swear there are times in life when things sometimes 'turn' instead of 'turn out'. When my plans did not work out. And the thing of it is sometimes I cannot even figure out WHY they didn't turn out. It still puzzles me sometimes. Like, what in the hell sort of cruel trick is THIS?

I've been in "dark" places. More often "gray" places. And, I'd almost prefer the dark to the the grayness. When everything is gray it's extra hard for me to see any LIGHT.

You feel lost. You feel like your soul has been taken. But as long as you feel that type of awareness....your soul is far from taken. It's still there...very much so.

So, when we are lost, what can we do? We reach out, we ask for directions. We tell others we are lost and need help to find our way. You've started that process.

Speaking for myself, I have a hard time admitting I'm lost. And I have sometimes found myself pretending I'm not lost when really, I am. I'll go along as if I am not lost; mostly because of pride.

My present mindset is:

When I was doing everything "right" it wasn't changing. Sure, maybe I had some brighter days, but the fundamental reasons I escaped in the bottle still existed.
I did all the things I thought I was "supposed" to do. Ate right, exercised, meditated, prayed, didn't isolate (as best as a sober agorophobe could). I did the things. I recycled. And cooked organic. And reached out to those I thought my experiences might help shift. I worked. And lead. And gave. I medicated. And stopped because weight. I did it. I did the Heavy lifting.

Then I said - screw it - what I'm doing isn't working. I mean, deep down, I've tried so hard to change.

But, everything is the same.

I'm just getting older. And time is slipping. And nothing is changing.

And I'm sincerely beginning to believe, it never will.

Active alcoholic or not.

I really wanted to figure it out. But I didn't. I did not.

Life is kicking my ass.

Praying for you, Alphaomega, you are loved.
Don't listen to your AV.. it's trying to make you give up.
Don't give it the satisfaction.

I spent 20 years drinking, and longer than that smoking weed. A lot of my Issues were older than that.

It took me a year before I felt really better, emotionally and mentally, and if I'm honest several more years before I felt I was the best I'd ever been.

It wasn't just not drinking and changing my life, and it was more than eating organically and exercising.

I also had to do some counselling and accept the need for some medications.

30-40 years versus a couple of years.
I still think that was a good deal..

Recovery works - absolutely it. works. - but not always on our timetable.

Drinking simply doesn't work at all.

It's that leap of faith the letting go the not knowing where you'll land that stops a lot of people...but like I said, it works.

I'd rather be sober than drunk any day of the week.

D

Hi AO!

I remember you too!

Glad you are back. Lets not get complacent ever again!

We are with you.

Welcome back AO. I tried to "figure it out" for years. What I finally figured out is that you cannot "figure out" addiction. It just IS. And the only way to move forward is to simply accept it. There is not magic pill, formula or technique that will "cure" your addiction. That's what I wanted more desperately than anything.

Same thing with anxiety. Before I could get better, I had to accept that I actually have GAD. Even after I was diagnosed by multiple qualified people, I wanted a fix...to make it go away forever. Turns out that's impossible too.

Not to say that one cannot get better and minimize Symptoms....i have entire days where I don't even think about the anxiety or have symptoms. But I respect the fact that my brain is still wired that way...and keep my toolbox full and practice my tools that help. Addiction is pretty much exactly the same.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low, AO. It is in your power to turn it around and you never have to go back out again. :hug: You will feel better with time sober.

I always believed that if I just figured out how to do something "right" I would have some modicum of control over it.

Turns out, that's not true.

For the same, reason people who never smoke get lung cancer.

I am struggling with my portion of my control over my own fate.

And finding, I really don't hold the reigns at all.

Amd that is scaring me senseless.

That quite possibly, there might not be a key, in this existence, to this lock.

And therefore, if so, where do I go from here ?

I don't feel punished by the universe, per se.

I just used to wholeheartedly believe in the "you get what you put out".

Not anymore.

It's very good to see you, AO.

I'm sorry about the circumstances. You are bereft of everything at this point. You know that you are powerless and that checking all the boxes is not enough.

Just be empty for the time being. Stay on SR. Let people tend to you here and just sit and absorb warmth as if you've just come in from a blizzard. You are so battered and frozen you can barely think straight.

May SR be like a welcoming inn that will let you sit and let you sip hot chocolate while you regain your bearings.

I think what Courage said is very wise.

AO I'm glad you came back here, you got this. I just really like being sober, I was always so nauseus every morning, gagging and headachy. I focused on that.

Also, AO, please don't feel compelled to analyze all of this while you're still hurting so much. It's okay to just vedge and absorb for awhile. :hug:

Thoughts of Love & Strength alpha:) were all here with you, you are not alone in this.

AO, I'm new here at posting but have been reading your posts for a long time. You write so beautifully and have so much wisdom to share. Don't disparage it. You have made a difference for so many, and you can help yourself again too. I'm sorry you are in such a rough place, but, please, don't despair. Be as kind to yourself as you have been to others. None of us is perfect. Don't give up getting better. You are loved, and there's always hope.

Stay close, AO. It's going to get better - I promise.

Hope you sleep well.

See you tomorrow.

"Life is kicking my ass."

I love your honesty. It's refreshing. No, I'm not refreshed by the fact that this is how you feel right now. But, I don't think there is a one of us here that can't relate to that statement. Do you know how many people out there are walking around feeling this exact same way; whether they have an addiction problem or not?

And you know, I think for some people it's time to stop pretending they are "on top of things" when that isn't true. And life can kick a person's as* at any point in time; maybe when they least expect it; maybe when they fully expect it. Maybe when they have a premonition they are going to get a good as* whooping. I like to think I'm tough and can open a can of of whoop-as* when I need to. But, I'm not as tough as I think I am nor do I have to be as stoic as I think I should be.

My mom was/is stoic. There could be frickin' forest fire in her back yard and she would still say, "I'm just not going to get overly anxious about all this." And I want go, "Mom, are you freakin' nuts?!".