Welcome back AO. I tried to "figure it out" for years. What I finally figured out is that you cannot "figure out" addiction. It just IS. And the only way to move forward is to simply accept it. There is not magic pill, formula or technique that will "cure" your addiction. That's what I wanted more desperately than anything.

Same thing with anxiety. Before I could get better, I had to accept that I actually have GAD. Even after I was diagnosed by multiple qualified people, I wanted a fix...to make it go away forever. Turns out that's impossible too.

Not to say that one cannot get better and minimize Symptoms....i have entire days where I don't even think about the anxiety or have symptoms. But I respect the fact that my brain is still wired that way...and keep my toolbox full and practice my tools that help. Addiction is pretty much exactly the same.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low, AO. It is in your power to turn it around and you never have to go back out again. :hug: You will feel better with time sober.

I always believed that if I just figured out how to do something "right" I would have some modicum of control over it.

Turns out, that's not true.

For the same, reason people who never smoke get lung cancer.

I am struggling with my portion of my control over my own fate.

And finding, I really don't hold the reigns at all.

Amd that is scaring me senseless.

That quite possibly, there might not be a key, in this existence, to this lock.

And therefore, if so, where do I go from here ?

I don't feel punished by the universe, per se.

I just used to wholeheartedly believe in the "you get what you put out".

Not anymore.

It's very good to see you, AO.

I'm sorry about the circumstances. You are bereft of everything at this point. You know that you are powerless and that checking all the boxes is not enough.

Just be empty for the time being. Stay on SR. Let people tend to you here and just sit and absorb warmth as if you've just come in from a blizzard. You are so battered and frozen you can barely think straight.

May SR be like a welcoming inn that will let you sit and let you sip hot chocolate while you regain your bearings.

I think what Courage said is very wise.

AO I'm glad you came back here, you got this. I just really like being sober, I was always so nauseus every morning, gagging and headachy. I focused on that.

Also, AO, please don't feel compelled to analyze all of this while you're still hurting so much. It's okay to just vedge and absorb for awhile. :hug:

Thoughts of Love & Strength alpha:) were all here with you, you are not alone in this.

AO, I'm new here at posting but have been reading your posts for a long time. You write so beautifully and have so much wisdom to share. Don't disparage it. You have made a difference for so many, and you can help yourself again too. I'm sorry you are in such a rough place, but, please, don't despair. Be as kind to yourself as you have been to others. None of us is perfect. Don't give up getting better. You are loved, and there's always hope.

Stay close, AO. It's going to get better - I promise.

Hope you sleep well.

See you tomorrow.

"Life is kicking my ass."

I love your honesty. It's refreshing. No, I'm not refreshed by the fact that this is how you feel right now. But, I don't think there is a one of us here that can't relate to that statement. Do you know how many people out there are walking around feeling this exact same way; whether they have an addiction problem or not?

And you know, I think for some people it's time to stop pretending they are "on top of things" when that isn't true. And life can kick a person's as* at any point in time; maybe when they least expect it; maybe when they fully expect it. Maybe when they have a premonition they are going to get a good as* whooping. I like to think I'm tough and can open a can of of whoop-as* when I need to. But, I'm not as tough as I think I am nor do I have to be as stoic as I think I should be.

My mom was/is stoic. There could be frickin' forest fire in her back yard and she would still say, "I'm just not going to get overly anxious about all this." And I want go, "Mom, are you freakin' nuts?!".

Hi AO,

First, I'm glad you are back. Sounds like you had a lot of things in place in the past. The one thing I didn't hear in your post was something that you love, or are passionate about. Is there something you love to do that you would be able to do as a career or hobby? How about the possibility of volunteering?

Just some thoughts. Looking forward to seeing you back on here.

Like everyone else AO think putting down the bottle and staying close here is paramount but can't help but think you might benefit from anti-depressants, if only for a while. You sound very depressed to me.

Hey AO

Its good that you've come back to SR. Some great advice already posted.

On a similar theme to prior posts, I've learnt that nothing is permanent. We and everything around us is continually changing but we delude ourselves in believing in permanence. You may think you've lost your soul but its temporary. Sobriety is also not permanent. You have to keep working on it.

Focus on the immediate moment. Nurse your health. Have no expectations. Just put the bottle down for now. And stay in that moment. For now.

I was around lurking when you were posting all the time, AO. I remember your positivity, spirituality, and pleasant demeanor.

Don't let the darkness consume you. You've got this!

Hi AO, It is so good to see you back though I am sorry to see you so down. You do sound depressed and I hope you will get with a good doctor to talk about that- for talk therapy and medication It can make a world of difference.
I also like what Delilah said about finding a passion, something you love. I have recently found that in karate and it has made a huge difference in my day to day life. I had been just going through the motions, working on my sobriety, yes, but just sort of getting through each day with no real goals other than staying sober. I have found goal oriented activities to be very good for me. Exercise was good,but was just another way of going through the motions each day, passing time- yes, in a healthy way- but just more time passing, day in, day out, repeat. Karate is a physical activity with small and big goals along the way. Having something "out there" to reach and work towards has been wonderful, fun and good for me. For you it may not be karate or a sport, but what is it that you love? What is a positive goal you can work towards? Not simply not drinking and staying sober, but something that gives you joy and a desire to go forward. I also recently entered a writing contest. I happened across an article in the local newspaper one morning, advertising a contest for writing submissions on addiction. You write so well, could that be something you could really focus on? A book? poetry? Writing contests?
This is going to pass. The depression is massive when we fall back into the black hole of drinking, but you can get out. There is life out there for all of us. It is unfortunate that some of us have to suffer so much to find our joy and peace, but it is possible for us too.
Please seek out a good psychologist. Please stay close to us. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other.

This has nothing to do with recovery, but as a fantastic writer yourself, I thought you might like to read these beautiful, short poems. Just a little distraction in your day.
18 Nayyirah Waheed Short Poems That Will Leave You In A Maze Of Emotions | Filter Copy

It's shocking how relentless this disease is. It just goes to show that we have to vigilant all the time, for life. This disease doesn't care who you are, young or old, rich or poor, ...if you let it get a foothold, it will take us back down again.

(((Alphaomega))) Thanks for posting - I'm still pretty new here & am not very good at giving advice, just sending hugs your way :hug:

Hi AO. I know that you have struggled a lot with taking care of your mother. Given your history with her I would imagine it would keep you in a state of cognitive dissonance. You keep giving and giving to a point where you have nothing left to give and it will never be enough. I broke free from my sense of overwhelming obligation right around the same time I got sober. It is so strange in retrospect to realize the shoulds and musts I was living under were all self imposed.

I used to think that since I knew how unhealthy my mother's self absorption was that even though I catered to her, being aware of the dynamic somehow made me immune to the impact of never feeling like it was enough. I didn't see how pleasing had seeped into every aspect of my life. The littlest things... Gift giving for instance, I dread giving gifts because growing up I remember feeling like my mother was always disappointed. If I order something, even as small as a sandwich at a deli counter and they get my order wrong , I wouldn't complain, because I always felt like a bother. I over tip in restaurants, etc, because the standard amount surely isn't enough...

I made a clean break. After a childhood of triangulation, parentification, and walking on eggshells I dropped the rope. What i feared came true. My mother was only ever happy for me if whatever I achieved had some benefit to her. She has no interest in her grandchildren because they divert attention away from her. She sits back and waits to be hurt. She flies into venomous rages when she feels slighted. And since she has been sober for over three decades she wields that stick like weapon. To this day I can't even let her know I am sober because I am doing it differently than her and I am not opening myself up to her opinion about my recovery method.

I set boundaries. My financial situation meant she felt entitled to be taken care of and for years I was the dutiful daughter taking care of poor mother (while she was gambling it all away on online poker). Predictably she employed the silent treatment, her favorite tactic. Guess what, I didn't fold, in fact I came to enjoy the lack of drama.

The unforeseen result was that I realized I could have boundaries and stopped trying to be so nice and so pleasing in other areas of my life. I have a sense that it is that need to give and be so pleasing and have all the answers that depletes you and leaves you reaching for something to fill up the vacuum that it creates.

I had to learn to nurture myself, it is something I was not taught in childhood. We grow up learning to be wily and tough and unbreakable, but then we implode. And that is when the alcohol gains a toehold. Yes, you have done all the right things as far as actively seeking mental, spiritual and physical health, but if one of the main characters in your life is draining you, then living in that state of constant angst is going to negate all those good things.

I know your opinion on meds but the way I look at it, I don't need to be a hero. I view antidepressants as simply bringing me back to homeostasis. I am so glad you are here and reaching out. You don't need to struggle alone. I hope I am not off base with this post but I know we have shared similar issues about family history, and the only way I could have survived was to stop carrying her weight as well.

AO- I think it is really easy to over think things sometimes. Life can kick our behinds, and I'm sorry you been having a rough time.

But drinking is never an answer.

Yes some some people get away with drinking and non smokers can get cancer; life is decidedly unfair. Don't let "figuring things out" become a reason for not taking action.

Welcome back, I'm glad to see you back on the board

Dear AO,
I am sorry you are in so much pain. I was thinking of you only the other day. You can see you've been missed here.
I agree with Courage and Scott, sometimes you just have to accept that there are no "answers". Lots of love and warmth here from others who know your pain. Please stay close. Are you still acting?
Thinking of you.