Brenda- I have dealt with these types a lot. You are drawn to him like some kind of magic spell was cast on you right? All I can say is there will be nothing but heartache down the road. I think the day you see what a healthy relationship is like will be the day you stop being attracted to this type of person. I'm going to pm you a forum that might explain a lot and help you in this area.

Hi Brenda,

I would also urge you to seek some kind of counselling or therapy. From what you've posted on here it sounds like this kind of unhealthy relationship fits a pattern you have. And at the risk of another bit of psych 101, where there's a pattern, there's usually a reason for it that isn't just down to bad luck. A good therapist will help you figure out why you keep finding yourself in these situations, and how you can start making different, healthier choices instead.

Oh, never apologize for praying, Brenda.
when i say it's not on any god but on you, i mean : what are you going to do, actually DO, other than praying for help?

when i was still drinking (and i don't know if you are drinking still) , i had an obsession with a guy at work, a guy who spoke to no- one. But, see, i was going to make him speak to me! and i did! only took two years!
yep, i am persistent.

obsession is suffering.

and i fed it.

that is where my question is coming from, Brenda.
i fed it, i was drinking, stuck in two obsessions, and feeding them both instead of doing anything to get out and away from them.

But the refusal to capitalize God even when talking to someone you know is religious, shows contempt for their beliefs. Religious people who pray, or even agnostics who pray the serenity prayer without knowing where it's going are not sitting around hoping they can get out of taking action.. much the opposite.. when you get to a point when you're praying, often it's because your trying to do it on your own hasn't worked.

Brenda, i have no contempt for your beliefs. None.

and i have noticed, or at least it seems to me, that none of my posts over the years have been of use to you, and if anything have unneccessarily annoyed you.
so i think i'll leave it there.

Everyone,

Let's keep things constructive and helpful in these threads please.

If you have remarks of a personal nature to make to another member - and you really feel as if you cannot refrain from making those remarks - take them to PM.

If you feel a post breaks the rules report it.

If you feel someone elses posts are not good for your mental health, use the ignore function.

Pot shots are not what these threads are for.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Done

Brenda, please make the time to see a good therapist- a female one. I too have a history of unhealthy relationships. My most recent relationship was with a relatively good guy (compared to the ones prior) but I wasn't getting my needs met and stuck around way too long. Prior to that I was involved with a narcissist (with whom I had two children with so I am forever connected to him now) and the scars from the emotional abuse still affect me. Prior to/during my/after my break up with my most recent boyfriend I become obsessively in love with a man very much unavailable to me, while his behaviour was confusing, he made it clear with his words he was unavailable to me. Nothing every became of this relationship, but it still hurts me and causes me sorrow and confusion.
I am single now, and happier than I have ever been. I am 100% focussed on me and working on recovering from the unhealthy relationships of my past. My goal/idea is to make sure I am fully recovered from those hurts AND very solidly sober before even considering the very idea of a romantic relationship.
I was terrified of being single (a lot of women are) but I can tell you it is actually very nice. I am free to do as I wish, I can selfishly put myself first with no guilt and I don't have any drama or confusion or upset to deal with- only time for me and time to try and wash out the past, learn from it, better myself and move forward.
Something that has helped me get to this place is a steady and positive relationship with a female therapist and a solid alcohol recovery plan and a separate plan for "better me" My "better me" plan includes health related activities such as a good diet, regular exercise and appointments with my psychologist. It involves taking my medication and vitamins every day. It also involves some new activities that I have taken on purely for myself, with the idea of enriching who I am as a person- karate 3 times a week, French language lessons twice a week and an endless pile of books to read. My reading includes several self-help books but also books on subjects of interest to me to increase my knowledge of various subjects. I have also made myself a priority in other ways. I try to go to the salon regularly for hair care treatments andI have started seeing a dermatologist to address some skin issues I have. I keep my house neat and orderly. I iron all my clothing now, visit a seamstress for repairs and each morning try to put on a nice outfit no matter what I have planned for the day.
In short I am putting myself first for the first time in my life. When I feel sufficiently healed and like I have really started blooming into the better person I know I can be, I may consider the company of a man.