In love with admitted psychopath.. why?
 

In love with probably isn't the right phrase, but addicted to... I don't understand why.. he blatantly tells me he has no real feelings for anyone, outside of anger and apathy, puts on an act in order to appear normal, and certainly lacks empathy... he's a textbook psychopath based on everything he says, and yet regardless of what he says, I think there is a good person there because he has the ability to seem so kind and charming... What's really disturbing to me is that since he says he almost exclusively feels anger if he feels anything at all, I tend to want to **** him off as much as I can, just so that he feels something towards me.

Sounds like an excellent way to end up dead.

Or maybe just really really badly injured.

Do you have a therapist? This is a job for professionals.

I agree with Aries. I hope you run as acts as you can out of this fixation on this person.

Will be seeing him four days a week through the first week of December.. God help me.

come on, Brenda...this isn't on any god, it's on you.
you are NOT helpless here.

Sorry, I am a Christian, so I pray to God (with a capital, thank you). I say the serenity prayer every day. We are in the same program in college, so unless one of us drops...

OR you could make the conscious decision to accept what he says about himself as the truth and value your serenity and sanity enough to end the relationship, recognizing that it is fundamentally unhealthy.

I'm not being facetious about seeing a therapist. IIRC, you have a pattern of seeking out high-drama relationships with unavailable men. This guy may not be married, but he's telling you point blank he is not emotionally available. And that's about the least disturbing thing he's said to you.

A therapist can help you get to the root of why you have this pattern in your life, yes?

Yeah.. I will figure out how to make it happen... Friday is my only day without work or school but is usually consumed with homework, studying and helping mom now..

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Most psychopaths have the ability to be charming when it suits their purpose. From previous posts it sounds like you're working on recovery so maybe it would be a good idea to stay away from unhealthy relationships. Luckily the decision is yours to make.

Hi Brenda, I'm not sure about all the definitions but I'm still trying to recover from a past friendship with a narcissist. Not sure if narcissists are the same as psychopaths but I reckon they're in the same ball park. This wasn't a romantic relationship, just a friendship and to begin with the narcissist was charming, funny and apparently drenched in empathy. It was all an act. I realised that I needed to cut the toxicity out of my life and that's when I saw the true narcissistic colours. I've had lies spoken and written about me which has cost me lots of other friends and been bullied on social media. I'm weathering the storm because I know I can't have this person in my life and eventually they'll move on to cause mayhem in someone else's life. From my experience, my advice would be RUN!! Even if you physically need to see this person, start to emotionally detach. Your psychopath has been honest, respect that's who they are and start taking steps to keep yourself safe. There's plenty of non psychopaths in the world. Start hanging out with them :)

My guess is because it feels safer for you. If you expose your feelings to a psychopath and he spurns them, well, that's understandable. It's much less pleasant when the spurning comes from someone 'normal'.

Logically you see the lunacy, but that doesn't override the fear...

Just armchair psychology 101 based on a few sentences and a lot of assumptions. Maybe you should consider seeing a professional who can really help you sort it out.

Best of Luck on Your Journey! :ring

God
grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.

Not sure the "why" really matters.
I never dated a psychopath (have you looked up the definition? Seems pretty scary) but I did waste 5 years of my life with a sociopath. The charm can pull you in and if you aren't strong enough it's very hard to make the right decision to get out.

None of us can make the choice for you to step away- only you can do that.

At least you are aware that this is a bad choice- you're ahead of the game in that aspect. Now it's time to make a choice- do you continue to make a toxic decision to spend time and energy on him (and risk your life?) or do you decide today that you are worth more, that you are stronger and that God would want much more for you than this.

It sounds like the man needs a therapist also.
There are plenty of wonderful men out there that are actually happy and not always angry. You can't find them if you're stuck in a bad relationship.
Maybe focus on yourself and be kind to yourself.
Best wishes.....

This^^^ I did it for years. I also thrived on the drama it created and that I was with someone more F'd up than I was. For me the more dangerous they were the safer my feelings were. It took a lot of counseling.

Because women dig jerks and bad boys. 😎

Poolside--not this woman! Well, not anymore (smile)

Brenda, please turn and run! In order for me to recover from being attracted to "charming men", I first had to be single for awhile (I mean really single), get some therapy, be real active in service to others (cuz I had so much free time), and I had to look at my part (AA-speak for the fifth column).

I wish you the best.

Yes, I have looked up the definition and use that term because it fits.. It goes beyond being a bad boy.

I think when I was younger I went after jerks and bad boys (some of whom were sociopaths) and looking back I can see how that behavior on my part kept me very sick. It was impossible to get well while pursuing those relationships.

Might not be the case for Brenda but I have found over the years that the kind of people we seek are representative of our mental well being at the time. I feel lucky to have survived some of them.

I too have a sociopath trying to stay in my life totally hindering my recovery. I cannot stand him. Actually very wary of him. After almost six years my rose coloured glasses are nowhere to be found. You must go no contact Brenda. Im having to use some reverse psychology some backing away slowly and some letting him go with ease all mixed in together. Im on a shaky day 1 of no drink. I remember your posts last time I was here. Youre funny .. you made me laugh xo take care and kick his loser ass to the kerb.

Brenda- I have dealt with these types a lot. You are drawn to him like some kind of magic spell was cast on you right? All I can say is there will be nothing but heartache down the road. I think the day you see what a healthy relationship is like will be the day you stop being attracted to this type of person. I'm going to pm you a forum that might explain a lot and help you in this area.

Hi Brenda,

I would also urge you to seek some kind of counselling or therapy. From what you've posted on here it sounds like this kind of unhealthy relationship fits a pattern you have. And at the risk of another bit of psych 101, where there's a pattern, there's usually a reason for it that isn't just down to bad luck. A good therapist will help you figure out why you keep finding yourself in these situations, and how you can start making different, healthier choices instead.

Oh, never apologize for praying, Brenda.
when i say it's not on any god but on you, i mean : what are you going to do, actually DO, other than praying for help?

when i was still drinking (and i don't know if you are drinking still) , i had an obsession with a guy at work, a guy who spoke to no- one. But, see, i was going to make him speak to me! and i did! only took two years!
yep, i am persistent.

obsession is suffering.

and i fed it.

that is where my question is coming from, Brenda.
i fed it, i was drinking, stuck in two obsessions, and feeding them both instead of doing anything to get out and away from them.

But the refusal to capitalize God even when talking to someone you know is religious, shows contempt for their beliefs. Religious people who pray, or even agnostics who pray the serenity prayer without knowing where it's going are not sitting around hoping they can get out of taking action.. much the opposite.. when you get to a point when you're praying, often it's because your trying to do it on your own hasn't worked.

Brenda, i have no contempt for your beliefs. None.

and i have noticed, or at least it seems to me, that none of my posts over the years have been of use to you, and if anything have unneccessarily annoyed you.
so i think i'll leave it there.

Everyone,

Let's keep things constructive and helpful in these threads please.

If you have remarks of a personal nature to make to another member - and you really feel as if you cannot refrain from making those remarks - take them to PM.

If you feel a post breaks the rules report it.

If you feel someone elses posts are not good for your mental health, use the ignore function.

Pot shots are not what these threads are for.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Done

Brenda, please make the time to see a good therapist- a female one. I too have a history of unhealthy relationships. My most recent relationship was with a relatively good guy (compared to the ones prior) but I wasn't getting my needs met and stuck around way too long. Prior to that I was involved with a narcissist (with whom I had two children with so I am forever connected to him now) and the scars from the emotional abuse still affect me. Prior to/during my/after my break up with my most recent boyfriend I become obsessively in love with a man very much unavailable to me, while his behaviour was confusing, he made it clear with his words he was unavailable to me. Nothing every became of this relationship, but it still hurts me and causes me sorrow and confusion.
I am single now, and happier than I have ever been. I am 100% focussed on me and working on recovering from the unhealthy relationships of my past. My goal/idea is to make sure I am fully recovered from those hurts AND very solidly sober before even considering the very idea of a romantic relationship.
I was terrified of being single (a lot of women are) but I can tell you it is actually very nice. I am free to do as I wish, I can selfishly put myself first with no guilt and I don't have any drama or confusion or upset to deal with- only time for me and time to try and wash out the past, learn from it, better myself and move forward.
Something that has helped me get to this place is a steady and positive relationship with a female therapist and a solid alcohol recovery plan and a separate plan for "better me" My "better me" plan includes health related activities such as a good diet, regular exercise and appointments with my psychologist. It involves taking my medication and vitamins every day. It also involves some new activities that I have taken on purely for myself, with the idea of enriching who I am as a person- karate 3 times a week, French language lessons twice a week and an endless pile of books to read. My reading includes several self-help books but also books on subjects of interest to me to increase my knowledge of various subjects. I have also made myself a priority in other ways. I try to go to the salon regularly for hair care treatments andI have started seeing a dermatologist to address some skin issues I have. I keep my house neat and orderly. I iron all my clothing now, visit a seamstress for repairs and each morning try to put on a nice outfit no matter what I have planned for the day.
In short I am putting myself first for the first time in my life. When I feel sufficiently healed and like I have really started blooming into the better person I know I can be, I may consider the company of a man.