My Journey Begins
 

Hello All,
I am a newbie. this is my day 2. I have only ever made it to Day 10 BUT this time, I am going to make it.
I am a 44 year old single mom with an 11 year old and an 18 month old.
My story is very similar to many of the other wine loving moms' stories on these forums. Throughout my drinking career (began at 16 with a handful of binge drinking episodes) I had always had a healthy appetite for alcohol and would routinely out drink my girl friends and/or keep up with many of my guy friends, drink for drink. University and my early professional years were sprinkled with monthly club nights out with many a binge episode. That pattern of drinking lasted into my late 20’s when I discovered a love, a taste, a salivation for red wine. Since that time, I have had a love affair with red wine for over 12 years (excluding my two pregnancies-where I was able to abstain with no issues).
12 years ago, after a devastating break up, I started drinking a couple of glasses on a nightly basis to cope with what was for me unbearable anxiety and depression and an inability to cope with my feelings of abandonment and low self esteem. My drinking continued to evolve over the next several years as did my low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I stumbled from one unhealthy relationship to another- unconsciously choosing men who would mirror back to me, my very low opinion of myself.
Finding a relationship and a sense of belonging was almost a compulsion to me- even after I gave birth to my beautiful son. That obsessive quest, compounded with copious amounts of red wine, coloured my decision making process and relationship skills. Needless to say (and back to my drinking) over the next several years to me drinking a bottle of wine a night for easily the last four years. I am embarrassed to admit, but I want to admit it, that I stopped breastfeeding my daughter earlier than I originally intended, just so that I could get back to my dysfunctional relationship with my beloved friends Merlot, Cabernet and Shiraz.
In the last few months, my drinking surged -again- upwards to over a bottle of wine to a frightening level of me being able to polish off a 1.5 ml and not even feel totally wasted on that amount. Some nights, I would even make a couple of super strong strawberry daiquiris just to celebrate the summer heat and then switch to wine to finish off the night. With this latest drinking surge, I have noticed my weight creep up fast. I have never gained weight from drinking in the past, but as I am now mid 40's and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a single mom ...I have not given myself time to to excercise. I have given myself time to sit on the couch every single night and watch tv and drink. I think sadly my vanity, coupled with my low mom moments listed below, is the catalyst this time for me to make this change. I don’t want to be an overweight, unhealthy, alcoholic single mom. I want things to start working again in my life.
Another low mom moment of late is my son telling me as we pull into the liquor store parking lot is "Oh right, of course we are here now. Mom I know your routines, we need to get wine every night!"
This is it. I am ready to quit.
This is not who I want to be. This is not what I want my son to see. I think the biggest wake up call for me that I am realizing is that with my sitting and zoning out every night, my 11 year old son has suffered as well. I noticed "our nightly routines" after my daughter is in bed look like this-
Me on the couch with my bottle and the remote in hand AND my lovely boy (whom I am teaching the same coping mechanisms) is on the couch in our den -glued to his PS4 playing hour after hour of video games.
Some nights, I pass out on the couch and he wakes me up at midnight and tells me to go to bed. He has put on weight from snacking on foods and mindless eating while gaming. We aren't out enjoying the summer nights, we aren't playing board games or sitting down for real evening meals.
Last week, a neighbour's friend came by unepectedly with a request to stay the night, I was half asleep/passed out on the couch and I think I slurred my words when he and my son asked me if we could order a pizza. I vaguely remember hearing my son saying to his friend (in embarrassment) "oh she's just tired, she gets like that sometimes".
Anyhow bless anyone who read my babbling post :) I WANT to be different. I want my son to be proud of me. I want him to see a good role model and a healthy spirit.
This forum already has helped me so much. I am writing a plan for my recovery today. As well I will be writing a journal entry every morning to plan activities for us for my witching hour each day.
I am hoping I can become a valuable member of this forum and find some connections to help me ( and me help others ) through this daunting journey. I have felt incredibly isolated and shunned from society for ending up having two children with two different fathers and being 44 with a toddler when most of my friends are almost done parenting their teens.
I hope with this forum, I can build new and healthy relationships with like minded people for the purposes of supporting each other and encouraging each other's healthy growth and metamorphosis to a new and more rewarding existence.
Thanks to all for listening and any suggestions or words of encouragement are VERY appreciated.
Kindest Regards,
Lotus Child

Awww, I want to give you a hug! I am also an older mom. I had my last child at 42 and he is 10 now. I also have 19 yr old triplets who are about to leave for college. Last October I went to rehab and I've been sober since then. If I can do, so can you! It's not as hard or as scary as I thought it would be. I miss wine sometimes but I don't miss what it does to me. Do you have a plan of any sort? Stay on here, the boards are very helpful.

I can relate to so much of your story and hope we can give each other strength. I have mentioned in a bunch of posts that do to my vanity, the weight gain is what finally made me get sober. I also had a love hate relationhip w red wine, as I was up to 3 bottles every 24 hours. For me on day 13, I am in a good place. Reading this forum and rambling on has kept me accountable and focused. Your son is still young so you have many years ahead to build that special bond and make fond memories. Welcome, and if u ever need to chat or vent, you can always message me or anyone on here. Congrats on day 1 of a new healthy, sober life :)

Pretty much all of them

Hi Determined1977. Thanks for your response. It would be great if we could support each other through this. I would like to ask you so many questions about what your strategies are for recovery. I wonder if you are going to AA or are you relying solely on this board for support? Would it be better if I messaged you privately?
Thanks,
LotusChild

Hi lotus, you can pm me even though I have never tried that feature, or speak here. I did not try A.A. although it is recommended and I am not ruling out giving it a try. For me, this time I was just done. I scared the hell out of myself, when I couldn't go 2 hours w out a mouthful of wine. Last month for the first time, I sipped listerine from 3am till 9am to stop the shakes until the liquor store opened. That plus, 30 pounds in 7 months when I was a fitness competitor was scary. Thirteen days ago I just took my life back. Instead of focusing on why can't I be a social drinker, how can I never drink again, I returned to doing things I enjoy. First 5 days, I worked out obsessively..as I realized it was a better and safer high then wine. I looked for employment, read this site and just stayed busy. If I could do it anyone can. I always justified my drinking do to my severe anxiety. To be honest with you, I am less anxious in the past 2 weeks than I have been in 4 years. The anxiety everyday as to having enough money to afford 3 bottles, what if I run out before I can get more, what happens Sunday when I have to wait till noon..that was crippling. This site is very supportive and non- judgemental. I am here for this journey w u..hugs

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

You are in the right place and you can do this !!

social

i got an apartment alone after high school and spent 11 years trying to drink myself to death.

aa is a big social club and thats a great thing for me

welcome and God bless

:You_Rock_

I am proud of you for recognizing this. You are going to be fine. I see a lot of this in my life as well and it really hit home with me. Saturday night, my 7 year old son playing his 3DS right beside me as I drank watching concerts or movies or whatever. One of the more recent nights, he said to me, "Daddy you're getting up again for another one? You sure drink fast." Ouch.

So yeah, I get you!

I posted a "30 days!" thread, as today is Day 30 for me. I hope you will be inspired from it.

To answer your question, the biggest/fastest change was definitely physical. I would drink 12-18 beers into the wee hours on Saturday night, and then get up early on Sunday with the kids. I'd then spend the next 3 days slowly recovering from the heavy drinking & lack of sleep and not feel normal again until Wednesday.

Because of a few hours on Saturday, I would have 3 days of feeling like hell. Three out of 7 days, that's ridiculous. I now have those days back. As "fun" as drinking sounds sometimes, I play the tape in my head of those 3 days and it's pretty convincing to not do it.

WeekendWarrior -I'm heading over to check out your thread now. Congrats on 30 days. I am hoping to achieve the same...in 27 more days!!!
Thanks everyone for welcoming me and reading my extreme post lol.
I am feeling confident and that this place is really gonna help me.
Everyone is welcoming. I have never been that honest to anyone as I have been in that post i wrote today.
THanks again!

Thank you for sharing your story LotusChild. You can absolutely do this and become the person you want to be. Keep your focus on the future that you want for you and your kids and not on the mistakes of the past. SR is here to help prop you up when you need it. And it's a two-way street. Your honesty and bravery helps all of us. Big hugs!

I can totally relate to your story except for me it was white wine. I too gained a bunch of weight and that was one reason to quit but my kids were a huge reason. I am on day 52 and hope and pray to stay on track. Welcome to this site. I don't post often but read every night and it gives me inspiration.

It is said we have to do it for ourselves and no one else, I do not agree with that if you are a parent. I can not think of a better reason to be sober, we need to be good examples for our children and keep them safe. I truly wish you the best LotusChild you are worth it and your kids need a sober mom.
AA, LifeRing, SmartRecovery this site whatever works you can do it.

Spiritual for me the rest were lacking for a while.
MB

I relate so much to your post. I am also a mother of two and I also stopped breastfeeding my youngest son after only four months so that I could get back to drinking heavily. :( I understand you. I can tell you that sober life is so much better. In just a few short months I have noticed an incredible improvement in my relationship with my sons. We are all happier, healthier and more loving. Being a mother is much easier sober, I promise you.

OMG, your post was like reading my life story. I am also an older Mom. I had my Daughter when I was 44 she is now 8 and I also have a love/hate relationship with Merlot. I have not stopped yet but, will be when we get back from vacation next week. Maybe, we can help each other kick Merlot out of our lifes together. Oh, yeah. I also gained LOTS of weight 30+ pounds plus a puffy face, swollen eyes....it's just not worth it. Good luck to you. Your Son is going to be so proud of you. Way to go.

I can relate to you as I've been drinking on and off all through my children's life. I am 40 and they are now 13 and 11. I had 3 people I would turn in to when drunk, fun mum who would dance around be silly, let them get away with stuff like staying up late or eating junk. Then there was screaming and argue with daddy mum and finally past out or non functioning mum. Non of these I am proud of. My kids have turned out well so far but I'm sure at some point my drinking is going to come back and bite me in the arse with however it has messed them up. We are finally waking up to the fact that it's not just effecting us and our health but also our families and friends. We can beat this

Meraviglioso,
Thanks for the validation that you get me and for sharing your experience. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear that I am not alone in some of the things I have done in the name of the almighty drink. You and others comments are helping me tonight to keep going on Day 3-despite cravings and to plug onwards.
How long have you been sober for?
I am happy that you have noticed a big improvement in your relationship with your sons! I am hoping for the same soon!