Help me think of what to say...
 

I need your help. I have struggled. Ack!

I have been able to be sober long enough and often enough to get my liver back to normal... no more high liver enzymes as well as get my blood sugar in control (I'm diabetic). My overall health has improved to the point that my doctor doesn't need to see me as often. All that is going good. I still need to work on eating healthier and exercise yada yada but that's always a work in progress for me.

So I've had a few binges. Don't ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Just sitting at home drinking too much, passing out and going to bed. That's it. No craziness... no drunk texting or anything stupid beyond beyond the drinking itself.

Problem is it's hurting my relationship with my husband who wants me done drinking. No more... knock it off... quit it already. He's right. I know he's right.

So I did it again over the weekend. Wrecked a couple of beautiful weekend days feeling like crud, both physical and mental and getting nothing done! Grrr. That along makes me so angry with myself. Anyway, hubby is not speaking to me. I can't say "Hey I'm sorry" because he's heard that too many times. The last time it happened I urged him to believe that in the long run, I am making improvements and mentioned my overall health that's getting better and basically that I know that I'm hurting myself and my goal is to quit for good.

I don't know what to say this time or just ride it out until he decides I'm worth speaking to again. It's better if I talk to him but there's nothing new to say.

I could use some words of wisdom. I can't say BS to him. He hasn't had a drink in 30+ years and knows all of the alcoholic empty words that can be slung when trying to get ourselves out of an unpleasant situation. I only want to be honest and genuine with him. It's the only thing I can do. It's the way I want to be. No more of this.

Ugh!

Print your post and give it to him.

At this point.... I think it's less about what you say than what you do.

It's not HIM you need to be concerned with.... it's you.

YOU are the one that needs convincing to action.

YOU are the one that needs to change.

YOU are the one who must embrace sobriety, make a firm choice that this ends here, and take daily actions, every day, to support and honor that choice.

He's gone 30 years without alcohol? Well, then... he's not looking for words. He's looking for action.

If you really need to say anything, just say "You're right".

Then get to ACTION.

That will be the best thing you can do - FOR YOURSELF. And he will see it, and it will be a million times better than any words you can dream up.

2 great responses..
Above.

Agreed. It's all about actions. With my son's dad and I, we took turns being the drunk....first it was him, then me....all I know is words become meaningless and only actions can truly communicate. We've been on again off again for years and are finally settling down together with common sobriety goals....it's worth it.

Actions speak louder than words. Maybe action is where you are lacking.

So why don't you say, "Honey, I can't do this on my own. Please drive me to an AA meeting."

Hi Elladee all I can say is focus 5000% on your recovery & no matter what do not drink - accept the facts

Maybe say nothing at all except you are going to stay sober and youl do whatever it takes for you to remain sober ?

You always have us having a plan will really help and accept the facts it's a lot less painful that way it's going to be tough at first but there's a reason people say it keeps getting better -because it truly does

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Rooting for your recovery

Actions.... that's exactly right. Words are empty.

Just SHOW him that you are serious.

Are you serious? What are you going to do differently this time?

I can only equate the situation to that I had with my teen and now adult children as a single parent.

To them words are empty, actions mean everything. I finally got that through my head and stopped talking the talk and started walking the walk, today everything is good to great, same as with my now better half, her focus is on my actions.

All the best
Andrew

I second the actions speaking louder than words sentiments. lol

Seems like drunks are really good at talking a good game but often don't have the behaviors to back up the talk.

Just as everyone said, action is all that matters. You have said it yourself, you have said everything there is to say already all you can do is start taking proactive steps for YOURSELF and once you help yourself, those around you will not only be happy but will be behind you even more.

If he has been sober for 30 years can you go up to him and admit that you are struggling more than you had realized and ask him if he wants to go to some meetings, or if he will help you draw up a recovery plan, or just talk to him as a fellow person fighting the beast of alcoholism and take any words of experience, advice, and recovery he is willing to share?

Relapses happen, they do not define us. Relapses do have consequences however and sometimes they are enough to make those around us just give up on us. We must NEVER give up on ourselves, but when you start to drink it doesn't hurt to remember that there are more consequences beyond how we beat ourselves up after the fact.

Honesty, action, and reaching out for help are all good things to do. Setting up a recovery plan is helpful because although any sober time we can get is beneficial, there is a reason you keep relapsing and therefore something can be done to fix whatever is lacking- whether that is that you just do not want to be done with drinking, that you need medication, that you need counseling, that you need to go to meetings, that you need to cut out people in your life, that you need to give up your license, etc. etc. Only you can know truly know what is lacking and what needs to be added.

HUGS, we have all been there

Adeline

Good advice here, and I have to put in some additional $0.02, from my personal experience.

I just hit 60 days sober and this is IT. This time it is real, because I want to- and have to, for my health- and I also have to accept that my parents - who have supported me and tried to help me along this horrible journey- are excited about "this time" yet understandably skeptical along with praying this is really the time, and being positive. Sometimes I am hurt and defensive when they (especially my mom) "remind" me of the failed attempts, lying, deception, etc I have done - but I am trying to remind myself they have a right to be worried/concerned/untrusting and accept/ignore that part by SHOWING them I am doing it this time. Like the others said, you have to prove it by doing it.

One thing that troubles me is that it seems you are kinda accepting your lapses yet still want his trust- doesn't work that way, IMO.

Especially since you mention your liver enzymes - this is something scary I am working to right myself- please don't toy with fire by continuing the binge pattern. I came so, so very close to it being futile to try to heal myself and finally that recognition slapped me sober, as it were.

Good luck to you!

So I've had a few binges. Don't ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Just sitting at home drinking too much, passing out and going to bed. That's it. No craziness... no drunk texting or anything stupid beyond beyond the drinking itself.

Well that actually isn't true. You add that your husband is getting to the end of his tether. So, technically the most important relationship you have is being jeopardized. I don't say this to be harsh just to point out the denial I see in your post. Believe me, I've been there. Hopefully you'll realize that he could leave you if you continue. And if I'm reading your post correctly, he's an alcoholic in recovery. You are probably jeopardizing his recovery. Something to think about.

Okay, you guys have helped me. I think part of my problem is I have shut him out accusing him of not being supportive because there were times he got angry with me. I'm going to take steps to bring him in... that his personal help is needed. I'm fooling myself by thinking that I'm fooling him. He knows every time I do this. He should be involved in my recovery even if it gets uncomfortable at times and I don't like what he has to say (even tho I know it's truth). We're a team after all.

Okay. Gosh I feel better.

Thanks again.

I love you all.

I am sorry I was away too long. I need to be here regularly. It always helps! I think I can go this alone but I can't!

In a similar situation the ONLY thing that helped me was to stop drinking and show my family every single day that I was changing. It took some time before my words held any weight and that was actually a good thing. I had to just do it.

I've been addicted to alcohol. I don't have to ask why.

Technically my husband is not in recovery. He hasn't had alcohol in 30+ years but he's an active marijuana smoker. Believe me, I've used that to justify my drinking as much as possible. I admit that I've wondered many times if I really want to be done drinking. I HAVE to be. It's a health issue now. It's a choice of drink or die because when I do drink, it's an entire bottle. And this last time it was an entire bottle and then a bit more. The next day I feel like my pancreas is screaming at me. But I feel hope that I've had some long periods of sobriety. It means I can do this if I want to. I can do it. But I'm admitting that I need more help. And I feel weak having to ask for help.

No one likes to ask for help.... that's what makes you STRONG, not weak. Asking for help may be evidence that you are truly serious.

A drunk will always push a partner away telling them "they are not supportive", if we want to continue drinking... we use THEM as our excuse. Which is really unfair to them. Let him in and be HONEST. I learned awhile ago that 100% honesty and true recovery go hand in hand. But number one.... you have to quit drinking for YOU. Because you want to and are serious. If you are doing this for someone else.... it really probably won't work.

You cant tell him, you have to show him

Yep... true. But I do want to have the conversation where I ask for his help. I just don't want it to sound phony or contrived. When he quit drinking it was just like that....put it down and never picked it up again... to me that's some kind of willpower made of iron. I gotta remember (like 360 said) that asking for help is not weakness.