Hi Secretdrinker. Congratulations on starting your journey! My story was a lot like yours. I am a mother, drank at night, was always hungover or anticipating my next drink, my energy went towards buying wine or hiding bottles, I was overweight. I also grew up with it.

I was in bed one day hungover. It was a beautiful sunny summer day and I could hear my young daughter outside with a babysitter…while I lay in a stuffy room with the shades drawn. I could not imagine my life without alcohol, but I also couldn't stand the thought of living like I was indefinitely.

The beginning was hard, and it does come down to minute by minute. Hang in there, it gets easier. Then hours would come and go when I wouldn't think of drinking, and little positive things started happening. I was more present for my daughter. I began to clean up some of the messes in my life. I began to lose weight.

Soon half a day would go by and I would suddenly realize I hadn't thought about drinking. New healthier patterns began to emerge, I began filling in the space in my life that alcohol had consumed. I began to revisit old interests and renew friendships.

And then a day would go by and if I even thought of alcohol I grew to feel disgusted by it, it was such a small thing to give up in light of how much I had gained.

I am a bit over two years sober today. This past weekend I had a formal party to attend with a lot of people from my past in business. It dawned on me as I was getting dressed Saturday night that in all my preparations for the party, worrying about the right dress, babysitter, a little dieting….not drinking hadn't even crossed my mind! It has just become part of who I am.

And when I left to go out Saturday night I wasn't anxious about whether I would be ok and not embarrass myself. I was able to wear the shoes I wanted with no fear of stumbling. I was organized and prepared with good food in the fridge for my daughter. I can smile at myself in the mirror again.

Late Saturday night as I was leaving the party I stopped to say hello to an old friend. His beautiful wife was standing there and she was trying so hard not to appear drunk. It was like looking in the mirror. I have come to a point now where I don't really care who knows that I don't drink. I have taken away anyone's ability to gossip by taking charge of my problem and working hard to change it. And it was really really hard at first. But it gets so so much easier, and the rewards are so so worth it.

It won't be this hard forever. And at the beginning just not drinking has to be the main focus. Being here at SR helped me renew my decision hourly, daily. I trusted all the people who told me it would get better.

Stay close to here and believe that you can do it. It is SO worth it!

Hi and welcome, Secret. First off, you are not alone if you're coming here- there is so much support here you will feel like you found a new family after a while.

Stay on the boards and read, read, read. Especially at night when you are used to drinking- I would sit for hours at a time in the early beginning.

There is plenty of good advice on this thread already, so I'm not going to repeat what's been said- just know I'm pulling for you and you can stop drinking. Do it for yourself first, and your kids will reap the benefits.

Well done Secretdrinker! Great job on winning the fight to stay sober on day 1. The first days are the toughest, and you are stronger than you realize.

Every time the thought pops into your head, remind yourself why you will not drink. I had a list that I kept in my wallet early on that I would read every time I had a craving. Heck, the first week I was reading and adding to that list about every 15 minutes.

Re-read Jaynie04's post. There are so many points she makes that are so true.

This battle is definitely worth the fight. I'm just over a year sober and getting to the point that I don't think about drinking when I go out to events. I no longer wake up thinking of drinking or worry about how much beer, wine, vodka... i have at my disposal. It is becoming just a part of who I am. You'll get there too.

You're dong fantastic. Great job on day 1!

Reflecting back on February 1990 to
August 1990. The progression of my
alcoholism was extremely fast that even
today it blows my mind.

Feb. after getting my 2 babies, 5 and 3
down for the night, I stepped out to unwhine
from the day, leaving them in good hads
with their dad. The night club was filled
with music, dancing, surrounded by drinking
patriots. Toxins, poison filling my mind,
body and soul.

As always, I never wanted to leave
and return home. I loved the clubs
atmosphere, how alcohol made me
feel, daring, naughty, full of sin.

That night at 2 am was when I ran off
the road hitting a concrete culvert sitting
on top the ground after running off the
road in some construction zone less than
a mile from my home.

The EMS was called where they had to
cut me out of the wreckage while they
heard me saying, my babies, my poor
babies with them searching my car for
my children thinking I had them with me.

I don't recall much of that night, the ride
in the EMS, nor giving them my phone
number to call home.

I was pretty messed up spending 10 day
in the hospital with them removing my
punctured spleen due to many broken
ribs, one puncturing it so I wouldn't bleed
to death along with numerous broken
bones, contusions. I was a mess.

From that day all the way to Aug. 1990
I healed quite nicely with no alcohol and
just pain pills. Once I didn't need the pills
any longer, I thought I was cured and could
drink successfully.

Soooooo, once again, I put my babies
down to sleep as they looked forward
to Fridays last day of vacation bible
school of fun.

I was right back at the same place ,
same club, carrying on returning
home at 2 am to once again another
argument with my husband and at
that very moment made a decision
to take a hand full of left over pain
pills from my accident and exit this
world.

Did I even think of the consequences
of my actions or what it would do to
my family or my little ones last day of
VBS. Not in the least. All I wanted to
do was to end my miserable failure
of a wife, mom and life.

Such a distorted view of myself and
life due to poison affectin my mind,
body and soul.

It didn't take long from Feb. to Aug.
with no alcohol for the progression
of my disease to pick up right where
it left off. I had to learn that and realize
how dangerous alcohol was to me.

When my babies came to my room
to wake me that very Friday in Aug.
they were unable to. Soooo sad to have
them find me naked and unresponsive.
Sooooo sad. I was sooooo sick at that
time in my life with my addiction. Trying
to take me away from my babies and
family.

Then I heard a faint ringing next to me
which was my mother in law looking for
the kids and me to be at the church. My
voice was slurred as I explained what I
had done hours earlier.

She screamed at me to get up and I
did as I paniced and ran to the bathroom
to throw up whatever I had ingested.

Hours later my husband came home
from work to try and take me to get
my stomach pumped but I fought him
with every ounce of energy I had till
he released me.

A few hours later 2 officers were in
our little home to escort me to their
car. Where to, I had no clue. I wasn't
a criminal. So I passed my husband
and father in law looking straight at
both of them as I said, I HATE YOU,
and walk to the officers car.

I was placed in the handless back seat
with a screen separating me and the
officers feeling do disgusted, sooooo
pizzed off, sooooo full of anger as they
drove on.

Come to find out I was taken to the
mental hospital for evalution to find
out why I would want to exit this life
leaving behind loved one.

I spent the night in my own room,
fenced in over the windows, outlets
filled in to protect me in case I would
try to hurt myself.

I watched sick folks shuffling across
the floors, hugging the wall, talking to
themselves and how sad it seemed as
I thought to myself that I surely wasn't
that sick.

The next day I was evaluated and I
passed all their mental tests. Then
that told me that all I had was an
alcohol problem and that I cant drink
successfully.

Cool I thought. If that is it then
teach me how not to drink anymore
and for the next 28 days. And they did.

Did I really want to be away from
my babies, family at that time? Not
really, but I knew that my husband
and inlaws did for me what I couldn't
nor wanted to do for myself. To get
the help I so desperately needed at
that time in my life.

So, I stayed there for 28 days completing
that part of the recovery program before
continueing on with a 6 week out patient
aftercare program so I wouldn't be sent
away out of town to a halfway house away
from my babies.

I did what I needed to do, even if I
didn't understand all about recovery.
I still hung on following many who
paved the way for me to follow each
day.

I brought my body to meetings forever
being reminded that my mind would
follow and would eventually understand,
learn, absorb the knowledge of an
effective recovery program that would
and could keep me sober one day at
a time.

Over the past 25 yrs, I have gone thru
many changes in life always using what
was taught to me over the yrs. to clear
away the resentments I harbored over
the yrs causing me to drink.

Working thru the wreakage of the past
using steps and principles as a guideline
helping me along the way to achieve
a healthy, happy, honest life to live each
day I remain sober.

Today like many before me, I pass on
my own ESH, my own experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life
was and is like before, during and after
alcohol to those following and walking
beside me on this remarkable recovery
journey in life.

One day at a time, staying in the
day, not looking ahead because
tomorrow isn't here yet, yesterday
is gone and all we have is today.

Wake up sober, go to sleep sober
and repeat tomorrow whatever
you did today to remain sober. :)

Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing.
Wine is my undoing too xoxo

Just stopping in to say hello SD--I think you've made a fine beginning.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Keep yourself busy, take walks, nap if you can't sleep, and one thing
I really found helpful was to keep a journal of my feelings.

I also grew up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home, and stopping drinking
really allowed some of those long-suppressed feelings to come to the surface.
Writing them down was a great way to acknowledge and release them

Well done for making that huge first step of accepting you need to stop. You've had some terrific advice already.

A couple of things to add though. You mentioned you didn't want to do AA because you were afraid your children would be teased if it got out that you were an alcoholic. Now first, as you realised, people probably know already. Is walking into a bottle shop every day less conspicuous than walking into an AA meeting? But let's say they don't. Have you tried asking your daughter if she'd rather you get help to stop drinking, which might mean some extra teasing for her, or carry on living the way you have been? From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like there's any doubt whatsoever what she'd choose. She'd want a sober mother more than anything in the world.

I'm not saying you need to go the AA route, I didn't (AVRT made sense to me), but different approaches work for different people, and you shouldn't close the door on one that's helped millions for the wrong reasons.

Also, on a more cheerful note, the best kept secret about sobriety, is just how much happier you will be once you manage to break out of the grip alcohol has had on your life. Sure came as a huge surprise to me. I thought I was setting myself up for a lifetime of denial and boring social life, for the obvious health and other benefits. Nobody told me I'd laugh more, feel more energetic, and generally enjoy my life more. I actually don't want to drink now, which is something I never thought I'd say.

So how did you feel when you woke up today? Good I hope.

I felt great!:grouphug:

My youngest called out for me at 5.40am as she usually does around that time, and rather than storm in there with her Ipad and a packet of crisps to keep her quiet while I went back to bed with a hangover(god the shame), I greeted her with a smile, and she smiled back rather than running to hide under her covers because she knew i'd be so grumpy she woke me up early (Now i sound like a monster but I HAVE to be honest in here because when those cravings hit again tonight, I NEED to reread this stuff to help me not be that person again).

It took me hours and hours to fall asleep, the house seemed so big and scary, every noise had me listening out for someone breaking in. I have been a single mum for a year but never really cared about sleeping alone because I usually passed out drunk every night. That's going to take some used to. I feel vulnerable.

But I do feel great this morning, already my face looks less bloated than usual.
I'm not stupid though, I know I'm being super positive but I can't be lured into a false sense of security, I know each and every night is going to be hard for at least the next couple of weeks, but I have to celebrate each day that I don't give in!



OpenTuning, I spoke to my eldest last night. I told her I wasn't going to drink anymore. She was so happy. She admitted she'd told a couple of the mums over the years that 'mum drinks bottles of wine a night'.......so they absolutely know.

I thought about what it would be like to stand in a group of the school mums and admit I was an alcoholic, and for some weird reason, I wasn't ashamed. I was proud that I was admitting I had a problem and wanted to get help, for myself and my children. I'm sure they'll gossip, but really, who cares? Why do I care what a bunch of nosey witches think of me? They are NOTHING to me. The only important people in this are me and my kids.

It was like a switch was flicked.

I had a look at the nearest meeting and it's just up the road so I'll need to try and get the ex to babysit while I go (that in itself is going to be a struggle, he's never looked after the youngest by himself).

aasharon90, I did some awful things whilst drunk, one of my lowest points being when I took a bottle of pills whilst I was looking after my then 3 year old alone.
I wanted to die.
I had done something similar years ago, I'd stood on the roof of my house, drunk ofcourse, and was seconds away from jumping. It wasn't an rash emotional decision, I just hurt so much, I was done. I'd planned it all out.

But when I stood there, saying my goodbyes to the world, the wind stopped blowing and the night became so still. What can only be described as a warmth spread through my chest and I knew it was God telling me he loved me, that I wasn't alone, that I was strong.

I was never a hugely religious person although I did go to church, I have always had my own special relationship with God and don't follow much of the bible, but I absolutely believe. He has been looking out for me my whole life, it's time to start appreciating the life He has given me.

Oh and Jaynie, I relate to your story so so much:hug:

I always cringe when I think back to the night before, how I could hear myself slurring my words when I talked, the looks people would give me as I knocked over yet another drink and tried to laugh it off.

It's funny you mention losing weight. Just a few weeks ago I was living on barely no food on my diet just so I could save my calories for my wine in the evening. How ridiculous is that.

I did the exact same thing. It's very liberating to get back to real good food, drinks and desserts.

Wow... Powerful.

So happy to read about your progress and the turning point you felt today. Now only onwards!

Children are a great motivator for getting sober. Being honest with yourself about your problem and the extent of it is also huge. You are reaching out. Continue to do that and don't give up.

You are not alone. Addiction does not play favorites.

Wishing you the very best. You can make it!

Hey Secretdrinker

How is your day going ?

Just to toss my two cents in, I got sober on the sly. One day at a time. I did not tell anybody in my life that I was stopping drinking. That's not to say I did it alone. I checked in here and received support from many great people for anywhere from 4 to 7 hours a day reading, reading, posting, posting. I have not had a drink in 15 months. The 4 to 7 hours a day it was pretty much just the first month. But I felt like I was hanging off a cliff by my fingernails. If you're thinking to yourself "well that sounds like a lot of time," well, that's about as much time per evening I spent drinking so I had all the time in the world.

But when it came to making announcements or letting anybody know in real life, I did not tell a soul. I was an end-stage alcoholic so if that plan did not work when it worked I would have gone to a 30 day rehab and just let everybody know. I Kinda told myself well you're going to do this on the sly and give this a shot or else you just have to start going to meetings in person.

I was willing to do anything.

I have actually been to one meeting in my life. It was an Al-Anon meeting for my brother. My parents wanted me to go with them. He is an alcoholic too. But was not able to get sober on his own yet. He goes to meetings every day and is sober.

There are 100 different ways to get sober but I have to say the one thing that I have barely heard works is doing it on your own. I honestly don't know if I would have or could have done it without the support of the people here. Stick around and use it for all it's worth.

Also, think about it this way. We worry about the stigma of being a recovering alcoholic. But dang, does that really compare to the stigma of being an active alcoholic?

With 15 months under my belt I can tell you with 100% honesty that nobody gives a crap that I don't drink anymore. And yes, once I was comfortable with not drinking anymore I did start telling people after a while but I enjoyed telling people after I had been sober like six or nine months. I don't go around referring to myself as an alcoholic even though that is what I am or was. I simply call myself a nondrinker.

I also kind of liked the statistic that 30% of the population doesn't drink any alcohol and another 30% drink so little it's negligible, like one drink a week or one drink a month. My mother for example, is one of those people. She has a bottle of wine in her fridge that has probably been there for six months. I don't know what will happen first. Will it grow mold or will she finish it? Who knows? That helped me to think, wow most people barely even drink. I can do that too. The only difference of course, maybe it's a big difference or maybe it's a small difference, is that I don't have that one drink a week or month. I don't drink at all.

Welcome and you can do this too. I was hung over every day for years. And on a sidenote, nobody at my work knows anything about my drinking history or sobriety and they never will. When you're a nondrinker, why would the topic of alcohol really ever come up?

Living day today without alcohol is totally fine and actually kind of nice. It took an 800 pound gorilla off my shoulders when I finally decided just to stop drinking it. It took me a long time. A long long time. But again, you can do this too.

Congrats on day 2 SD :You_Rock_

I know for me the first few weeks were really turbulent sleep wise. Some nights I felt like I'd not slept at all because I was so used to going to sleep drunk. I knew it was just my body and brain recalibrating itself but thought it would never end!

It does end though and when I slept it was amazing, proper restorative sleep like I'd never slept before.

Even now coming up to 3 years some nights I don't sleep well but I always tell myself how much better I feel even with little sleep - with NO HANGOVER!!

congrats again on day 2 - you can do this :)

[QUOTE=Secretdrinker;5557724]

I felt great!:grouphug:

I greeted her with a smile, and she smiled back rather than running to hide under her covers because she knew i'd be so grumpy she woke me up early

I do feel great this morning,

I have to celebrate each day that I don't give in!

The only important people in this are me and my kids.

I did some awful things whilst drunk, one of my lowest points being when I took a bottle of pills whilst I was looking after my then 3 year old alone.
I wanted to die.


God telling me he loved me, that I wasn't alone, that I was strong.

[/QUOTE]

Hi SD
You need to write this down on a big sheet and stick it on a wall, where you will see it often.
You have a heart of gold.
I'm no saint as I struggle to give it up altogether.
This is a great site with great ideas and people.
Search it for what a PLAN entails and stick to it.
Never give up giving up. Every time you fall pick yourself up and try again.
Keep posting.
JS

Ahhh, crying again haha!

Thank you! You have no idea how much your words of encouragement help me. I just jumped on here because this is the exact time of night I begin drinking, and boy do I feel like one...but your words, just the fact that you are taking time out of your day to read my words and help me by offering advice and your own stories, it was EXACTLY what I needed right now and I appreciate it so much.
People asking how my day is going.....this place is amazing. You are all amazing.

I CAN do this.

Melinda, you are absolutely right. I never thought of it that way before, what would I rather people think of me 'oh she's an active alcoholic who always smells like a bottle of wine' or 'yeah she's in recovery from alcoholism and is 6 months sober'...There is no shame in that. I need to keep telling myself that.

Hi SD, jumping in late on your thread but I can see how determined you are to succeed. That's a good sign because it's your decision which reflects on the person you want to be, not something that's been forced on you.

I was a habitual drinker too - a bottle of wine a night after work. You've already found one of my tricks which is to make another ritual, like your jug of juice and the colouring in. I'm sure my drinking, while addictive, was my habit of dealing with stress, so replacing it with another habit (drinking tea, with my fancy cup and teapot) formed a new habit which I associate with relaxation.

Concentrate on eating well for a while, and not allowing yourself to get too hungry tired or stressed. You can take up some gentle exercise like walking and you'll be amazed at how much better you look.

If you can get through the difficult first weeks when cravings are strong, and the subsequent months when your AV starts telling you it's under control and you can drink again, you won't know yourself. Your finances will improve, as will your looks and self-esteem. And it will rub off on the children.

Just realised you're an Aussie. Hope you're enjoying the latest political news.